Heavens Whispers

Every time I have another routine Dr. appointment I have to fight myself to stay out of my own head. The what if, voices crowd in, the anxiety fights to the surface and the sheer work of holding it at bay leaves limbs jelly trembly, the doubts elbow their way to the forefront, the body wants to curl involuntarily in a fetal stance, hands over head waiting for the next bomb to drop, the faith, the tiniest of mustard seed faith fights valiantly with the voices to believe that even if, the same Father God of mine that got me through before would see me through every second again...….GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL...even if..... This whole uprooting of one's world and flipping it on it's axis is a constant day to day faith builder, an every second decision to reach up and grab hold of my heavenly Father and breath in His continual faithfulness, choosing to take the next step and somehow be ok and live trusting......the voices persistently war....but the soft reassuring voice of my God never stutters or trembles.....
Wednesday February 5, 2020 I had a routine breast cancer doctor visit. I was determined I wasn't going to worry and fret over the what ifs of Dr. Lee finding anything new. I went to work bright and early, got a few hours in then left for my appointment. I have a habit of when alone in my car I pray, verbally, it keeps my mind on praying and I don't fall asleep mid petition, this time I found myself coming back again and again to, please Lord, no more cancer, like a broken record! In a weird crazy way it was kind of good to be back, kind of like coming home, getting to see and squeeze those that became almost family, definitely friends, over the last year. Was great to see my nurse Marcy, she has the potential of a soul sister, love her dearly. Once we got the weight and BP and the 101 questions outta the way it was time to see Dr. Lee, the sweetest doc. one could hope for in these situations. Overall she was pleased with my numbers and how everything was looking, until In doing the exam she found a hard knot right beneath my medi port site. She felt it, then came back to it and I said, yea, that thing showed up after my port was removed, it doesn't bother me less I mess with it. She looked at me and was like, and you weren't going to mention it?? I was like well, I just assumed it was scar tissue or something from my port. She was very emphatic that nothing new or out of the ordinary gets let go, and they, their office, gets called immediately. She then measured it and put orders in for an ultrasound, preferably sooner rather than later, so when I checked out and the receptionist asked when I would like it done I almost didn't then I was like, well, any chance they would have an opening like this afternoon, cause I'm here and it's almost an hour drive so if I could save myself another run.....furthermore the voices were already trying to take over my sanity and I'm thinking lets just get this out of the way and move on with life already and do what we need to do, like I need to know, yesterday kind of thing!! anyway she was like absolutely let me see if I can get you scheduled in today yet and God was listening and an hour and a half later I was in!!!!!The ultrasound tech was very sweet and went over everything thoroughly then was like, well, I need you to stay here until I get the doctor to look at these...….that was like flashbacks to diagnosis, and the anxiety and trembling wanted to kick I and take over, and I thought surely not again......so I once again put my broken record on and my prayer was on repeat, while I'm laying there pleading I heard my phone chime with a message notification, but was terrified to move and check it. A few eternity feeling like minutes passed then there was a soft knock at the door and the sweet tech was back with a doctor in tow. The dr. was a sweet woman that introduced herself with a handshake and a pat on my arm and said, first, to reassure you, you have nothing to worry about!! I said awesome, thankyou Jesus!! She said, yes, this is the kind of news we like to pass on to patients! This is... and she rattled off a large name which means, scar tissue and buildup!! she said it's fairly common after ports have been removed, and it's  showing up as white scar tissue, not black or dark gray as cancer would!! she said I understand Dr. Lee's concern and precaution, and rather look at it and get peace of mind then have regrets. She shook my hand again and let me know she thought I looked very healthy and have no worries then they both left me to clothe and right myself before meeting them to be shown the way out. I got up and felt like a grateful, relieved limp noodle, and the tears started and all I could do was fold myself to my knees by the ultrasound table in thankful praises for answered prayers, once I got up and found my phone I checked my messages and the message that came in at the same time I was waiting and praying was from my boss Katie saying I felt a nudge and wanted you to know I am praying for you!!! and....I cried again!! that was God whispering peace and answered prayer and love!! When you feel a nudge, act on it, you may be the messenger from Heaven that person needs, the reassurance of not being alone they need to hear, the boost of faith that will give them the courage to take the next step or to keep on believing, plus, It will wrap you up in blessings knowing you touched someone else. when I got back to the office we shared celebratory hugs and a few tears, I am blessed to have a boss and work environment that cares for their people for real and are listen to the whispers from heaven. A couple weeks ago I was checking out my local bent and dent store and out of my peripheral I saw a friend I don't know terribly well but know well enough to know her life is one of extreme pain and struggles and my heart hurts for all she has to muddle through. my girls were with me and I briefly thought I should go say hi and hug her, but then we were done and ready to head out so I thought well I guess not this time, but then as I reached the car I still felt like I really should find her and hug her, so before I could over think it I told my girls to unload the cart that I was gonna go say hi to a friend and be right back. I walked into the store and found her shortly after and as I walked up to her I said, hey, I just wanted to say hi and hug you, I know life isn't easy right now, she looked at me and beamed then said, this means so much, my week has been so difficult, and just  this morning I prayed, please Lord, send me people that will lift up my hands that hang down and I got a message or 2 from friends and a hug from you!!!! I walked away thinking, what if I wouldn't have listened to that whispered nudge from God, I would have missed out on the blessing of being an answer to her cry for help, I would have missed seeing the pure joy and amazement on her face as she felt God right there with her in that moment! I wonder how many other opportunities I've missed cause the voices are drowning out and the busy and rush is tuned in and silencing the steady whispered breaths and nudges from heaven......God help me to look around, to turn my eyes and ears and heart wide open to you, to be the blessing someone needs to feel you!!
I came home to a bouquet of cut flowers from a Montana friend, via her sweet kiddo that was here for a brief visit.

ONE YEAR...FROM PORT TO PERMANENTS

Again......it's been so long since I updated, and I still plan to document my year of breast cancer and it's many faces and intense battles, however, I felt like I needed to step away from it a bit and focus something other than that and it's all consuming entity and forget about it for awhile and focus on  more normal life, and on my people, and catch up on moments with them as the passed year moments felt in short supply. And also  I had started back to work when school started and it felt so good to be normal once again and I love my job, it's not only enjoyable, but I get to work with one of my besties and more recently my niece and I it's a good feeling at the end of the day to go home and feel like you are valued and needed somewhere outside of the daily grind of your own four walls. It has been so good to have to get up each morning and know that I have a schedule to meet and people counting on me, I know without that I would have very easily crawled inside my own head and shut down, it would have been very easy to keep my couch as my constant sidekick. when I think of last Christmas and the new year and how daunting the months ahead looked, and how unmovable the cancer diagnosis looked, and the giant black hole of unknowns and what ifs and whys staring at us I get teary with amazement and gratefulness at all we've been through and the faithfulness of our God and how He never left us to do it alone, and the faithfulness of my friends and family that stepped in and helped us plow through this mountain say by day. When I think of last holiday season I am in awe, this Christmas and new years was so different, so much thankfulness and it all looked a bit brighter and cozier and even tho it was low key and not much going on for us this year it all felt extra special and I found myself wanting to dive into each tiniest of moments head first and savoring every second, it also made me feel like everywhere I went I had to find someone to bless and make their day brighter even if i'd never see the results and it made me realize I should be doing that every time I interact with anyone anywhere not just on Christmas and it became a new goal and purpose for me to integrate that in my daily. I had taken hubby away for his birthday the beginning of December, I surprised him with dinner out and tickets to see Trans Syberian Orchestra in Hershey with friends then an overnight at a hotel and a deep tissue massage and lunch out before heading home, and one thing that is a pet peeve of mine is when we go out with others or whatever and someone leaves a lousy tip or complains about having to tip the waiter/waitress, like in my head I'm thinking, but, the fact you are eating out is luxury, even if it's fast food, you could be at home making your own meal for your family but you have the where with all to treat yourself so don't then treat the servers as tho they don't measure up or deserve a decent tip, and so many times those working tables are doing it cause they desperately need it and it's what they could find or it's their second job because they need it for schooling, child care etc. so that too has made me look at them differently, like, I don't know what battles they are warring against but i'm not going to add to it, I want instead to make their day brighter, restore a tiny bit of hope in humanity, give them a tiny glimpse of Jesus. Anyway, on our little get away we stopped at Houlihans for a nice relaxing lunch before heading home, and if your familiar with this particular place its not the classiest of restaurants out there but it is classier than some and the ambiance is nice and you can tell by the table ware and the staff dress it has a standard and expectation of it's employees etc, and so once we were seated this gentleman comes to greet us and take our drink order and all the proper first step procedures of waitering, he was very kind, although his smile didn't reach his eyes and it felt like he was putting on his game face and going through the motions while at our table but as he walked away he was carrying the world, not necessarily grumpy, but not loving the day either, although he was prompt and attentive, as we finished up and he brought the bill then walked away with some of the empty plates, his shoulders drooped a bit and his steps looked labored and immediately I thot, here ya go Janette, perfect opportunity to bless and gift a bit of Jesus and keep in motion the being a blessing everywhere you go, so I did, I gave a bit above and beyond and thinking we'd let it and be gone before he got back to us, but we weren't quite fast enough and he came back to our table as we were about to get up and said with a shaky smile, you surely didn't have to but i'm so grateful, life is hard and i'm just trying to figure out how I can get all that my little girl needs and a few wants for her for Christmas and be a good dad, I said, you are very welcome, and wished him a Merry Christmas and to enjoy every daddy daughter moment he can as they grow up to fast, he smiled, thanked us again and we parted ways. hubby looked at me and said, what'd you do, he was a different person when he came back??!! I said, did you see his face and how his whole countenance and walk was different, then I started crying.....I am more determined than ever to bless wherever I go, even if it's just a smile or hello and eye contact, people everywhere are scaling their own mountains, staring at gaping black holes, grappling with diagnosis, failures, loss, rejection......every second, if I can gift a tiny bit of Jesus and show hope, not only will my life be brighter, the world itself won't be quite as dark.
last new years I was going into it with the beginnings of process towards treatment starting and on the 11th, my birthday of all things, I got the gift of my medi port and that surgery and procedure, that along with many and various scans and tests were snowballing me towards treatment start date and it all looked crazily unreal and unmovable, this new years, thank you Jesus for your grace and faithfulness, today I am having the last, barring any unforeseen issues etc., of my double mastectomy reconstruction. at times it feels so unreal yet so very amazing to look back and see how far we've come, the giant mountain that was ahead of us was taken down one pebble at a time with a lot of loving assistance, the view going forward is vastly altered yet so beautiful in spite of all the scars and detours. I am so very grateful to be on this side of everything and the end of this long journey, I just pray I can go forward, and be a help in moving the next persons mountain, and that this year I can give back and give freely, that I can grow up and in Jesus more, that I can let go of hurts and pains and love fully anyway, that I can build stronger and tear down less, that I can gift Jesus and hope everywhere and anywhere I find myself, that I will be forever grateful for all He's got me thru, and for each that helped me with the next step forward. As we were getting off 81 on our way home from hubbys birthday weekend I looked in my rear view mirror and there was a gorgeous rainbow, and I thot about the last year and how now that it's behind us we can see so many rainbows thru that difficult storm and so often that's how life is, when your in the middle of the gayle force winds of a tsunami you can rarely make out the rainbows but once on the other side they shine brighter than ever and hope and promises are treasured even more.

 blessings to each, i'm off with my dear Paula as my chauffer, to replace dear old cantankerous Blanche and her "breast" friend and side kick Betty for my new "treasured chest" one that will forever stay in place, in permanent perk mode, unmoving, unshakable...…...the new question of the year..decade….to bra or not to bra......Thankyou each one for your prayers and encouragement......I could have nothing to eat after midnight, but, till 9:30 was allowed water and black coffee, yea, black coffee, I tried, but so not a fan, though my cup gave me comfort for the day......

GOD IS IN HER< SHE WILL NOT FALL...……………..

     

Ring That Bell

So I debated doing away with any more posts documenting my breast cancer craziness cause I lost count of how many times this post was journaled then disappeared on me, quite frustrating and heats ones temper up pretty quickly after you go to all that work and take the time to sit down and put it all into words, not sure if it's my internet service, (great possibility) or the program I use or the devil saying no one needs to hear anything you have to say and your God surely don't need anymore credit or...….but....after someone wondered if I'm going to finish my story, and me needing to document for my own remembering and giving thanks for what I've come through I decided to keep posting even if it's weeks or months since the posts events, so here I am, back, and ready to try this again. I made a "my space" in our bedroom. A place where I can open my lap top and grab a few minutes here and there, of quiet and peace, through out the day, and write a line or two, or a place to meditate and pray, to reboot. It was hubby's suggestion, really, I was fretting to him one day after he enquired to my well being, that I NEED to write, I said it's been weeks and there's all this stuff going through my head and updates I'd like to document, but I just feel all this "other stuff" responsibilities, looking at me that needs my attention, or if I just go ahead and sit down to take some time, there's a 6 year old that has "important" stories, and needs mom time, and I can't hate her for that, God knows she's had to take the back burner more often than not through all this, and, well, just general life interruptions. Anyway, his suggestion was to make a place in our bedroom, in the little offset sitting area on the front side, or so it was created to be at some point, in the almost 8 years we've lived here it's mostly been a catch all/storage/baby room, anyway, he suggested putting something together in that area, where, I could get away and shut the door a bit here and there, I love that he recognized my need for some sanity saving time, or maybe it was the rest of the households sanity he was thinking of saving, yikes!! either way, I have been "creating" my space there, and having fun designing it and choosing a few pieces of furniture and some pops of color and it's been so fun to be doing something fresh and exciting that doesn't require an overload of info and brain frying with appointments and more meds and needles etc. but kind of feels like I'm a normal human being, so anyway, it's a work in progress.
The next paragraph gives you a little idea how long ago I started this post, after having it disappear to many times to count...…
Cannot believe as I'm writing this, that Miss Ava is already on the count down to starting back to school into first grade!! 19 more days, she's over the moon excited to be going back and to see her friends!! me, not so much!! makes me want to sit down and sob buckets, actually!! literally feel like I've missed out on an entire summer with her, with my family in general, and just slept and medicated and ran to appointments, and now here it is, time to be back in school again. But, am also thankful, as I write this, that I am on the countdown to the end of this cancer mess!! Can almost not grasp the reality of that, feels a bit surreal, also feels a bit terrifying, like, how am I gonna be able to function on my own with out my network of safety in my medical team, and, what if I miss something, or, what about this twinge, and that ache, and this odd feeling here and there or...…………….....………...small update, Miss Ava is almost to her first marking period in first grade and she is doing well and loving every second of it, even the 6:15 A.M. bus pick up she does super well with!!
 May 30, 2019 Chemo treatment #12 THE FINAL CHEMO TREATMENT for mom, THE LAST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN for Ava!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, today was a high excitement day, co-parented with a lot of mixed emotions. I was so super excited to be headed to my last chemo session, but, also torn because today was also Ava's last day of kindergarten, along with her kindergarten graduation ceremony!!Thankfully, she was ok with, and thrilled, to have her big sister Em and cousin Kate attend her ceremony and pick her up. They made her day special with lunch out together and dessert at Sweet Frog too, and Aunt Jess joined them for part of the time also, making it even more special!! I woke up super early a basket case of nerves, I was wound tight knowing it was my last chemo, and so excited for it, yet, I still felt like an emotional mess. Glen, dear man, I think sensed my turmoil, and pulled me close before work and prayed for a good day, and for it to be the last of the last of these appointments forever, it was sweet, and had the calming effect I needed!! I had my own care team, in addition to my medical team today, seeing me through this, cheering me on, my dear Miriam was my chauffer, and my dear Susan met us there, both taking turns sitting with me through the wait on bloodwork, and examination, and infusion. Susan arrived with a beautiful scalloped metal mint colored bucket surrounded with greenery and filled to the max with 72 pink roses!!!!! it was absolutely stunning, and the envy of everyone there, including the staff!! We gave a few away, I should have had my head on straight and handed 1 to each of my care team, though some of the areas have restrictions on fresh flowers, I did give one to Marcy, one of my favoritest nurses, she was having a crappy day after finding out a patient had passed, and I just wanted to hug it all away, these gals are amazing, seeing and dealing with all the ugliness of cancer, day after day, and seeing what it does to their patients, they are still always encouraging and caring and truly want the best for each of us, and let us know that often, I never felt like I was a bother or just another "thing" on their list of stuff to get done to get to the end of the day and a paycheck. Susan's sweet Jack gave her a message for me, he said, tell Nettie, PMA!!! Positive. Mental. Attitude!! :) He's the best, I needed those words of encouragement too, and the coolest water bottle mister fan he picked out for my trip to the beach, to add to the beautiful aqua back pack from his mama!! My bloodwork showed my liver levels a bit elevated and my iron a bit on the anemic side, but neither were at levels that gave them to much concern and the iron wasn't low enough that they required shots again so they were still over all pleased with it. My care team and the office staff was thrilled with the big bag of home made chocolate and oatmeal whoopis I took in for them, a few were like, can I pocket a few for later and my family at home!!?? :) It felt like such a small token for all they have done and been for me, but I was glad to make there day a little bit!! Once my last chemo infusion was done Nurse Stacy came around with a signed by Dr. Lee 8X10 Breast Cancer Treatment Award certificate. I can hardly describe my feeling when she handed that to me with a hug, I felt like I had just earned my college degree or some Olympic medal!!! I mean come on, a 44 year old woman getting teary and loving the feeling of a piece of paper stating you've completed your treatment, but, honestly, besides walking my son through treatment than saying goodbye, I'm pretty sure this was the 2nd hardest thing I've ever done, and to be recognized that you are a champion was pretty powerful and meant the world, especially after so many days of wondering if I would actually make it through!! Ava was thrilled when I got home cause she had received her own certificate from kindergarten graduation and blue ribbon for behavior and kindness. After I was de-accessed from all my IV's and meds I got hugs all around from the infusion care team and some of the sweetest most precious nurses ever, and on my way out I got to ring the celebratory bell, announcing to all that this part of the breast cancer race was over!! It was an awkward, yet elated, yet almost embarrassing, yet glorious feeling ever!! but, I felt so bad feeling so gloriously happy when there was at least 8-10 pairs of eyes looking at me, folks that were still hooked up to meds and in the throws of this nightmare yet, while I was dancing, so over joyed to be done, but, they were all so excited for me and I think it honestly gave them a boost of courage and energy to keep doing the next thing to get passed the hard stuff and on the way to the bell ringer being them!! While we were getting pictures together with my beautiful bouquet of roses out in the office waiting area and saying goodbye and hugging the staff we heard the bell ring loudly again and pretty soon a sweet little black lady came out, all by herself, I said, was that you that just rang the bell?? she smiled and said yes it was!! So I hugged her and said congrats, I'm so happy for you, that's awesome!! she said, I'm so glad it's over, but girl, your blessed, you must be pretty special, you have a team! I said, yes I am very blessed with an awesome support group, she hugged us again and was a bit teary, I shared some of my roses with her and wished her well, but my heart broke as she walked away, it's a hard fight to battle as it is, let alone doing it all alone, it made me so grateful for everyone that has held me up through this whole terrifying roller coaster. After we left the Cancer center we went to Duke's for a celebratory lunch. Susan carried the roses in with us as it was way to hot out to leave them safely in the car, but they were so big they needed a table of their own which then caused heads to run and many to gasp and stop an exclaim at the sheer beauty of them, then ask if something special was going on, and once explained that we were celebrating end of chemo treatment and then catching a glimpse of the bald headed woman they would light up and offer congrats and encouragement. There was a young lady eating by herself and she kept glancing back at us and after awhile a waitress came over and handed me a drink and said this is a gift from the young lady over there!! It was so sweet of her and made me more aware of reaching out and doing random acts of kindness to others when were out and about. When she went to leave, she stopped by the table and offered her congrats and I gave her a rose and wished her well. We left a couple roses on the table for our waitress and then called it a day. I came home flying high yet exhausted, and couldn't believe how weightless I felt, I told one of my people that I must have been more tense and worked up through all this then I thought, cause suddenly the whole earth felt like a new place and everything around me a bit brighter and more amazing.
May 31, 2019 The celebration feeling is still going strong today, I woke up with a lite hearted, it's gonna be a great day type of feeling. Later in the day a gorgeous bouquet arrived  from my parents and a beautiful plant from the church. This evening we went out to Red Robin with Brandon's and my Bro. Mar and his sweet family. And when I walked into the office I got a great surprise, my orchid gifted to me a few years ago on Devin's death anniversary from a dear friend, Andrea Weaver, was blooming so beautifully, it's been forever since it bloomed, made me smile and think surprise celebration blooms from heaven was pretty awesome too!!
June 1, 2019 This afternoon we attended the graduation party of Miriam's Taylor. My dear friend Karen who knows all about getting through this disease also, knitted and gifted me a beautiful prayer shawl, it's special to think of all the prayers she whispered on my behalf as she created it, makes me realize all over where I'd be if not for the prayers of my people, so special.
GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!!!!!!!!!

This Mornings Word.....Right On Time 13 Years Later

It always catches me off guard, even 13 years later......i think it’s because i try an not think of it overly much till then, but then fall hits, and dreary days become more frequent, and all the ugly feels start creeping in and what had been a celebration month 10 years into marriage became one of trauma and goodbyes and aching sadness and suffering and now as October and fall arrives i feel myself becoming someone I don’t like and my family, especially my hubby gets the brunt of my snappiness and grumpy’s, and i know it’s hard for him to cause i can tell in many little areas, and he pours himself into his work overly hard cause that’s his escape and his way of keeping his mind occupied but that doesn’t excuse my uglies.......i used to look forward to, not fall and dreary so much, as celebrating our anniversary, now when October arrives it seems every year the sound of the memories of our day and the feelings become harder to remember and grasp and instead the crushing feeling of suffocating in numbness and pure exhaustion of the fight of an ugly disease and watching your child become helplessly riddled by it and the sounds of labored breathing and last words and i love your and feelings of last hugs and little boy hand squeezes and impish dark eyed grins and sleepy snuggles and touches crowd all else out and even the smells of meds and oxygen and sterile-ness slaps you in the face and all you can focus on is desperately trying convince hubby and conjur up a way to run far and immerse deeply in an adventure in the name of celebrating your marriage and togetherness to try and forget it all and focus on happy and just getting through the next day to hurry back to bed to greet then the next day frustrated and putting in time to try and rush through to the week after, then reboot, lift up your head, breathe deep and sigh, yet another year we got through it......this word from one of my favorite pastors this morning was for me.......today is a new day, a bit dreary still, but a new day.....”i could be in a sour state of mind” (and sadly to often i choose sour) but, after all that, I’m still standing, after all that, God still got me, He’s still faithful.....as the hard anniversary approaches yet again I’m choosing every second to choose trust and say God got me through, He will again........

But....For God.....

October 2...…….thirteen years ago today I was sitting in a stale waiting room on a cold square pathetically uncomfortable vinyl chair, my arms wrapped around the bone weary and thin diseased body of my 5 year old Devin, holding him, snuggling him, trying to stay positive and hopeful and keep smiling and not give into the terror of what could be, or maybe already was, as we waited for yet another radiation treatment for the cancer that returned with a vengeance. Devin was weak and aching, yet, resigned to do the next step, but, didn't move far from my lap if he could at all help it!! My mama was with me for the day, being a moral support for me and a distraction for Devin. As we waited for our turn to be called back to the radiation unit, we noticed that security around the area inside and out, tightened up and there was a sympathetic and saddened, yet, urgent look on emergency personnel and nurses faces as they rushed to the back outside entrances where ambulances were silently pulling in, and the eerie sound of medical choppers were landing. As we all sat silently breathing prayers for whoever was involved in whatever trauma was going on and our hearts going out to whoever's day wasn't turning out as they'd hoped we started noticing medical people ushering in Amish folk with dazed and numb expressions, and glancing outside there was more gathering and milling on the side walks, with security and law enforcement officers standing far enough away for them to have privacy, but close enough to deter any un-wanted, whether it be media or curious onlookers. About the time we thought we couldn't stand the wondering what happened anymore, the entire waiting room occupant body all gasped in horror, then fell deathly silent as the TV blared the breaking news of unimaginable proportions, a neighboring man to an Amish school house broke into their morning classes and heartlessly took the lives and caused severe injuries to 10 Amish girls...…...my mind reeled, I hugged my lil cancer ridden son tighter and wept for what these poor families were facing. The glassed over blank eyes and solemn dejected faces and robotic motions of the girls loved ones and classmates hanging around the hospital corridors and sidewalks all made sense now. I wanted to go to every mother and hug her tight and try and offer comfort but there was none to give, it was all so horrific and fresh and unbelievably other worldly, but the terror and angst on their faces was so devastatingly haunting. My heart ached for them, as they entered the waiting room looking for a seat to take the load off shaky jellied legs, only to hurry back out as the scene and news caster on tv replayed the horror over and over. The thought of what I was watching my Devin go through and deal with I found to be so unbearably exhausting and extremely trying and heartbreaking, and yet as I pondered how these mama's were feeling I couldn't begin to imagine. How do you recover from such horror and violation??!! How do you ever get what horrendous actions you just witnessed out of your mind, how do you move on, how do you trust again, how do you forgive…..and when I thought of the mama's having to bury their daughter's, their healthy, vibrant, active daughter's for the senseless acts of another selfish human, I couldn't breathe.....I knew it was a very real possibility that I could be the mama in the very near future standing by a grave, but, I also knew my son had been fighting for his life for 14 long months and that there was nothing another soul did to put him in this situation, this was life with cancer, a disease, not another human choosing to inflict ugliness and terror..... As hard as it is to walk the unwanted grief road, as hard as it is to wrap my mind around not hearing that impish giggle or I love you mom one more time, as hard as it is each year to face another season of fall, as hard as it is to make yourself put one foot in front of the other to get through that first day after the last breath, as hard as it is to choose every. single. day. to move on, as hard as it is to think, we not only made it through the first year in tact, but are now on our thirteenth year without our Devin......as brutally hard as that all is...….. I CANNOT IMAGINE being the mama of one of these dear girls...… my heart still aches for them, for the girls that survived, and the flash backs and PTSD their mama's may have to walk their daughter's through, even 13 years later, for the work of having to choose everyday, for not only themselves, but helping their girls to choose forgiveness, for those that may have physical disabilities to live and deal with as a reminder every day.....no mama ever wants to have to stand by their child's grave, but, especially in this way, I'm so thankful for my faith and knowing these mama's have their faith I know without a doubt this is how they got through the unimaginable horror, this is how they got from that last breath, to 13 years, their faith, this is what gives them the strength to go on knowing because of their faith and God's promises, their tragedy will be turned into eternal rejoicing and celebration some day when they're reunited. One thing I know now, whether disease or disaster, a mama's grief is like no other, there is no definition, no description, no remedy or cure, just raw, aching, heart ripped out and shredded to ribbons bloody grief.  That day 13 years ago was brightened a bit when we got to meet up with my dear Uncle Dan for lunch while we were there, he was such a big support and despite the pall of somberness cast over our day at the breaking news, he always had a way of bringing laughter and encouragement, he to is now gone from our lives from this ugly cancer disease, but every time I remember him I hear him say, dear niece, whatever you do, stay faithful and true. But, for my faith, I would not be able to stand upright and wade though this murky, slough called life, with all it's troubles and griefs. Tonight, I go to bed, resting in the fact that I can truly rest knowing I serve a big God that has my world firmly in His hands! Tonight I go to bed thankful for the 5 short years I was blessed to snuggle the most adorable black eyed impish angel. Tonight I go to bed, thankful for the Amish mama's faith to forgive and I pray for peace and comfort to wrap like a warm soft cloak around each family that remembers, each girl that thinks back,  tonight as I go to bed, I thank God for my Uncle Dan and his life and encouragement and for his faithfulness, tonight as I go to bed, I choose to rest well in my creator, knowing I'm in the safest place ever, knowing His mercies are new every morning and His promises will never fail, despite disease, death, or disaster.

ALWAYS>>>>>>LIVE LIKE LINCOLN

I've been following his story from a few states away pretty much from the beginning, I feel like I kinda know him and his family personally, even though we have never even breathed the same air, in the same location, at the same time, let alone had a face to face, in person, conversation, it's the kids cancer thing, we are a club of our own, trust me, we NEVER issue an invitation to another soul, EVER, but, unfortunately, once your in, knocked out, dragged in and forced to unwillingly be a part of this club, you then have prime seats forever, upfront and center, in your face, take over your space, birds eye view, seats, forever, and when another member is thrown willy nilly into the club, it doesn't take but a few scans, pokes, prods, and vomit sessions until you are reliving every second of your own initiation into said club, and the first bleary, teary eyed scared to death, literally, cry for help and prayers from the lil heroes mum or daddy and you are fused at the heart for eternity, and what they're walking your gonna get all the feels, all the time, and the reliving and flash backs are on a never ending spin cycle! if you could, you would go to the ends of the earth to shield them from every facet of this green eyed ugly monster of a disease, you would dig a chasm a thousand miles wide so they would never be able to span it and have to face the ugly on the other side of sleepless weeks and terrors of, are we ever gonna be a whole family again? and what is normal? and what if they never get better? and what if they die? and why isn't treatment working? and what route of treatment should we take? and how can their little bodies take any more? and how do I get them to eat? and why aren't there answers and what's taking so long? and God are you who you say you are? and are you really here with us? and why my child? why mine?? we actually love and want our child and we are committed to death to raise and love them, why mine?? This, ALL OF THIS and so much more, is why one gets to feeling like they know them personally when you follow another families story, another hero kiddos valiant cancer battle efforts......It's been 13 years since we got the news that there is nothing more to be done for our 5 yr old Devin, got the news that the cancer was now in his bones and yet another massive tumor behind his lungs and that we should get hospice lined up and take him home and grab every second we can and love on him like crazy till Jesus says, come, it's over, you've soldiered on bravely, long enough. No parent ever wants this club, but, once in, you would move heaven and earth for your child, and no parent ever wants to hear, you've been thrown in this club, but now, your forever a part of it, but your going to have to say goodbye to your lil soldier and never get a pass outta the club, instead, you will remain in it, no one of your own to fight for any longer, but forever a front seat to the rest of the clubs continuing raging battle, so you collapse into your assigned seat, and wonder how you will ever make it to a year without your lil fighter, but, time doesn't stop for no one, and your numbly watching others walking in what once was your shoes and you know every step, and you feel every pain and emotion and then suddenly, 13 years later you realize as horrific as it all is, you wouldn't trade seats with anyone, this is your family, you get each other, you know what they are feeling and experiencing, and if you have to walk the pediatric cancer thing, you wouldn't want to be anywhere else but with those that understand it...….still, though, makes me want to shield EVERY SINGLE PARENT OUT THERE FROM HAVING TO BE THE NEXT ONE!! I want to scream, YOU ARE NOT INVITED, WE DON'T WANT YOU, THERE'S NOT ROOM FOR ANOTHER SOUL IN THIS CLUB!!!!!! At the same time, when I hear of another one being tossed our way, I want nothing more than to run with open arms, or grab the next flight or train or whatever and walk with them and help them carry this !!!
 Lincoln Arrow Schrock, precious little chap, giving pediatric cancer every stinking bit of everything his little heart and soul and body has to throw at it, and all the while praising his creator, HIS GOD!!!!!! His faith is absolutely inspiring and so amazingly beautiful and that alone gives one tremendous hope and courage in the middle of the why's!! And I know his dear parents, Matt and Kaitlyn would pull on hip waders if needed and wade higher, and plunge deeper, if they knew there was more answers thrown their way and solutions given to beat this if they felt God directing that way, God knows, all of us parents that have sat by these littles sides, helpless and exhausted, at the end of our resources, would crawl yet one more mile across glass on bloodies hands and knees if it meant there was something that would fix this ugly disease! when you have a little cancer soldier hero in your midst that bravely battles on, we as the parents and their biggest fans and cheerleaders will go to the ends of the earth to squeeze into the trenches with them and shoulder them on...….but, sometimes, our fighting for them means letting them go...…..and this...….is where the fiercest battle of any of the treatment and disease hits......how does one let go, how do you give up all that you dreamed for them, for you as a family, how do you go on to make memories and moments without them in it, how do you live and breath and function ever again, how do you will your heart to keep beating knowing you will never be the same, how do you survive, what is survival...….seeing Lincoln's family start their goodbyes.....I almost wanted to stop following....but I couldn't, and I felt a bit like a coward, but......all the feels, the reliving, the numbness and suffocation and feeling like this was an outta body experience while trying to grasp reality, it all came back in sunami force......and then I though how in the world did we go from wondering how we would get passed a day, a week, a month, a year......to now being 13 years out??!!! and it hit me, MY GOD, LINCOLN'S GOD, that's how!! We never would be where we are without our faith and hope and the ever constant presence of OUR GOD, His faithfulness to us, carrying us on, walking with us, it by no means has been easy, but, without Him it would be hell!! And, the love and understanding of other club members, those that have a pair of moccasins just like ours, moccasins they were gifted at the time of initiation into the club.
Matt and Kaitlyn, you may never read this, and that's just fine, but know Lincoln's faith was well taught, he has it because he saw it soo well lived in his biggest fans and cheerleaders, his mum and daddy! He has given so many hope and courage and shared HIS GOD in a far more powerful and real way than most of us ever have, and has inspired us so beautifully to better in gifting OUR GOD to others. He has shown us, that miracles are precious and valuable and out there, we just have to search for them, and so often they are closer than we think and better than we imagined!! thank-you for sharing his preciousness with all of us, I know it wasn't always easy, and may have come with criticism and frustrations, but, I also know, his story and life have been the only Bible some have ever read!! I pray you feel immeasurable peace and comfort as you guide Lincoln into the arms of HIS GOD and that you will feel surrounded by an army of prayer warriors and children of God!! am so sorry you had to be thrown in our club, but, know, you don't walk alone!!
LIVE LIKE LINCOLN, KEEP YOUR ARROW POINTED TOWARDS HEAVEN AND YOUR GOD!!

Happy Dances

I have so many updates to put on here, and so many started, but, between just grabbing ALL the moments i can with my kiddos and family, plus, having numb or tingly digits, i haven’t been able to get caught up and keep caught up on updates and all that’s going on here. But, i do so appreciate all the constant love and support from all of my “fans” that have been faithfully supporting and praying and loving and carrying me through this mess, whether you are family, friend, tribal member, one of my medical team and caretakers or a passing acquaintance following along, it all means the world to me and to my family!! In the last day suddenly i feel like i’ve Ridden the roller coaster at full speed to suddenly be slammed to a halt, and as my niece said, ALL the lights at the end of this tunnel are in view!! Trust me, i am by no means complaining, i long to get back to a normal of sorts, to pre-cancer, and just live fully, painlessly, appointmentless each day!! I wanna run away with my hubby for a time and with my kiddos and make up for the past half year i’ve felt a bit cheated out of. Anyway, a brief update on the last 2 weeks, and no, just cause i’m skipping ahead and giving a now update doesn’t mean i’ve forgotten or am skipping all the updates since my last post, i’m Gonna need to post all that for my own “diary” documentation and sanity at some point but for now, it’s present day!!
So, July 12 was my double mastectomy surgery......it’s been 2 weeks of a lot of running and many appointments since. The surgery went good, the pain since has been constant though thankfully not unbearable, am super excited to have all 4 drain tubes out after almost 2 weeks of sleeping in basically one position, elevated on my back, and having to strip tubes and measure fluid. Today is ovarian surgery, a chance it could be out patient, but going with a one night stay bag in tow in case. I met with my cancer dr. On Tuesday, love, my Dr. Lee!! She was over the moon with my pathology report!! the large marginal area round the tumor site they tested is cancer clear, the 3 lymph nodes they biopsies are cancer clear and the only remaining bit of tumor was like 3ml worth. She says no radiation at this point and i don’t need to see her for another 3 months. They are still waiting on a few test results to get back and if they come back as she’s hoping i can then go get my medi port removed!!!. So.....it’s almost time for me to head to the next surgery, but thankyou everyone for your prayers and support, these happy news results and times of celebration are because of prayers being answered!! Don’t have time to post my song, gotta run!!!