I'm not one to make big, lofty, new years resolutions and goals, only to be slammed back on my behind two weeks in, with the realization, that, 14 blessed days have passed already, and I not only haven't begun a single one of them, but they weren't even on my radar after 10 minutes of solemnly making them. there has been this intense burning question and tug of war going on in my mind the last while that has been creating conversations and arguments between my head and my heart and its legit and real and rather frustrating and anxiety making all at once sometimes. And sometimes, a lot of times I'm ok, and life is normal and mundane and I go about doing my regular every day tasks and responsibilities and taking care of my family and existing. but....then..... there's those moments, hours, days, when the burning question rolls around and around in my head, boiling and bubbling and steaming over to sizzle unanswered at the surface of everything I'm doing, marinating at the back of mind during every conversation and task I find myself moving through. most days I take it and give it more time than it deserves and chew and mull over it, then another duty calls and it's left unattended yet always near by, just hanging, floating in the abyss of my domestic world, and then I crawl into bed at night and before I can blink it's right there, snuggling up beside me trying to curl into my pillow with me, trying to snatch all the prized sleep moments for itself.................
WHAT IS MY PURPOSE HERE? WHAT IS MY PLATFORM TO SHINE JESUS? WHERE DO I BELONG, REALLY? HOW DO I KNOW IF IM WHERE I BELONG OR WHAT IM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING??
I know, I know, your thinking, hello, you have a hubby and kids to see after, so what's to decide, your place is to care for and nurture and serve them, right now your place is in the home and filling your domestic duties. and maybe, that would be right, for some it is, but, some days I just wonder if I'm really using all that God wants of me to my fullest, where He would desire, if there's not more............
one thought that has been coming back front and center in my thoughts so strong and so frequently that I know I need to embrace and engage in, not as a new year resolution, but as a conviction and lifestyle, and I feel I fail miserably at, especially with my family is, TO CHOOSE JOY ALWAYS, EVEN IF, IN SPITE OF,.......... to choose joy, even if it's hard, it hurts, or doesn't feel one bit joyful. to choose joy in spite of not feeling a part of, feeling like I'm on the outside, to choose joy even if I don't understand everything, if I'm asked to be in the background always, to choose joy when I don't always agree with my hubby, my friends, my circumstances. to choose joy even if my life never moves further than these four walls and my family, to choose joy even if it means always being the encourager and cheerleader for everyone else's success and needy moments........because in the end maybe my platform given to me by God is a million little places here and there and not a big stepping out into one single mission or calling, and choosing joy and giving my best of Him in each of those area whether a big, brief moment where we clearly feel Him using us or a single tiny moment we may or may not know here on earth was our chosen place by him for that moment. To choose joy even when we've gone through hard life stuff, and grief and heartache and pain and maybe even for years or never know the why of those situations or the purpose.
I have a dear heart sister, Susan, a bestie, in my life that is absolutely precious to me. we have been through some horrific, life altering situations together, but we have been there to encourage each other and listen to and we always know we have each others and our families backs for each other. we have laughed till we exhausted ourselves and cried enough tears together to rival a rainforest, but we have both watched and aided each other in our faith growing and that to me is priceless. and while at her dear, dear daughter Sara's wedding recently several strangers came up to me and asked if I was the sitter of the bride as a little girl and I said yes, that her and her family is very precious to me. this was so humbling and very startling to me, but each of those people told me that they wanted me to know first that they thought my family was absolutely beautiful and then they said, we had a peace and had a glow around us that they never saw before and it was stunning, they said you shone joy and happiness and peace and whatever it was that we were doing to keep it up cause it's working and the world needs more of it........to be honest it gave me goosebumpies, cause we are so very far from the perfect family, but maybe this is where Jesus says, shine me, show, me, live your life quietly where I call you, no big spot light platform, no foreign mission field, just you, living and shining me in the area I provide at each moment. the whole concept of these people seeing a peace and glow smacked me hard with the truth I've always known but don't always take in to consideration, that, not only may we be the only Bible some people will ever read, or the first encounter with Jesus some will have but also the importance of shining out God's joy and love and bearing the countenance of a true child of God. it also was enlightening to me and proved a lie from the devil that as a child of God there will be days when we scramble to find our joy and the day feels long and impossible, but that doesn't make us a failure or less of His child and it doesn't eradicate the joy He has given us, we may feel like our glow is barely visible, but because we are His and He has our heart even on the dark, hard days others can still see His joy in us as with His help we keep moving forward.
the day after Christmas I went with two of my dear friends, Paula and Sherry to visit Jess who was dying of a cancerous brain tumor. Paula knew the family for years, Sherry recently met the family and they became very dear to her as she knows what it's like to have a daughter in the same or very similar situation and I had only met Jess once before but had been in contact with her via email 8 years ago and with her sister Jenny in the last month, but could also relate to being the mama sitting by the bedside of your dying child, so I wanted to go to show my love and support and to let them know that as heartbreaking as this is I understand and they are not alone in this, I however was not prepared for the out of body experience of standing there watching Jess' parents, mostly her mama, setting there holding her hand, taking care of her so lovingly, with a smile at times through tears, trying to be ok, yet, clearly dying inside herself. I saw myself where Jess' mom, Doris, was. I felt myself begin to lose it, but managed to get it under control, but inside I kept screaming, no God, please not another mama having to go through this!!! and then I was like why, why did I come, I have nothing to say or even to offer, I felt so broken and wanted to just curl in a dark corner and weep for what I once had, but no longer did, for the pain of all I'd lost and all that changed since, I wanted to weep for all I knew they had already faced and still would.....I felt like I was blindsided by it all and sat in silence most of the time there, knowing if I tried to say anything I'd just sob, and having nothing at all to really say, I just felt like a limp awkward rag, then I heard a tiny whisper, this is exactly where I need you, I know it's hard, but I got you and silence is ok, but I need you here, just being, cause my people need the encouragement and strength, the distraction and the love and comfort of those that have been there. that whisper took away the pressure of needing to perform or fill in the sad with chatter. and I wonder, can I choose joy in spite of the heartache of giving back a child, can I choose joy and say maybe that experience was to give me the opportunity to sit by someone else going through what I did and my purpose is for such a time as this even if it's only that one time.
last week was 17 years ago that Maryann, one of my dearest friends ever called so excited to tell me she just gave birth to her first born, a precious little boy, Arlin!! I was over the moon excited for her, this was her first and 2 weeks later I was due with my second and we were gonna hang out some day soon and share babies and compare notes and revel in the togetherness and the joy of squishy tiny new life!! that joy and celebration was cut short when a few brief hours later I received the call that for unknown reasons her precious new firstborn was suddenly and unexpectedly ushered into heaven while his dear mama was in surgery for hemorrhaging. but.....why???? and how does one go on, let alone find joy in that?? one of the most difficult and heartbreaking things to do was attend a funeral of your besties infant when you are massively pregnant and only 10 days away from having your second baby, to stand there and watch her fall apart with empty arms and all you feel is misplaced guilt that here that here you stand carrying new life and it feels like a mockery to her that now has nothing. 10 days later Devin arrived, it was hard to make that call to inform Maryann he'd arrived and all was well, and to say that he arrived horribly purple/black because the cord was around his neck 3 times and yet he survived, and her Arlin arrived in perfect health and yet passed on........how does one dig out of the sad and depression and choose joy in spite of, even if.....when you can barely lift one foot in front of another, when it takes all strength to even think about climbing out of bed and facing a new day???? Devin became special to her, cause although our times together weren't constant because of distance, he was a reference of what stage and size and accomplishment her angel would have been had he lived. neither of us would have ever dreamt that she would have brief hours with her son and I would have brief years with mine, and we've since talked many times which way we would choose had we been given that, is it easier to let go after brief hours or after you have 5 years of memories and watching them suffer, I don't know that it's a conclusion we've ever reached except that we're glad it's not our call and no matter how you look at it letting a child go is earthshattering and your heart is never completely whole again and the little black cloud of sad and tears is always hanging at the edges of everything! we both would agree that it has made us even more heart friends then we were before and that your level of compassion for others and sympathy for those going through tough heart stuff is over flowing and that making the choice to be joyful, genuinely joyful, not just paste a smile over sad eyes and numb face, is a conscious every day choosing and being. we both hear each other and understand the dark days that hit, and the heavy, cant seem to tunnel into the light of day moments that this time of year brings. and this time of year those dark days for us tend to overlap, the anniversary of her Arlin's birth/death day and my Devin's birthday, and sometimes for me the choosing joy in this moment is a feeble yay, thank you Jesus for a pal that truly gets an angel mamas position in life. when you grow a life inside your own body right by ones own heart that life becomes a vital part of your own self and who you are and when that beautiful life gets silenced that tearing away from out of ones body creates heart cracks and shattered pieces and scars to infinity and beyond and no matter the length of life of the mama left behind that ache never goes away. and there have been those that say so casually, yes, but it's been 17 or 11 years, surely your over it by now, surely the grieving is past........this is probably one of the biggest areas I've had to consciously choose joy in, joy that those saying that have never had to know what it's like to be in these loss of my child shoes, joy that they want to fix the sad but thankfully for them just don't get it, joy that I had 5 years when I could have had no years no memories, joy that because I have been there I know now not to go there to someone else going through hard heart losses, joy that I have come to a place over the years where it doesn't anger me anymore at those people with careless remarks but can instead say thank you Jesus that you have spared them from having to know this intense pain!!
a week or so ago my dear friend Paula and I went out for a much needed day together and while eating lunch I got a glimpse of a tiny old lady far out in the parking lot slowly making her way in our direction with her walker. it was a bitter cold and snow flurring day but she kept pressing on through the cars zipping by backing in and out. it went through my mind that I hoped she was ok and that someone of her own wasn't to far away and she'd be ok, but then I went back to eating and conversation and the next time I looked up I didn't see her and thought no more about it, until we went to leave and walked outside to find this dear little lady seated in a cold plastic chair with her walker in front of her and a giant smile on her face and to each person that came and went she would hand them a card with say an encouraging bless you or give a smile today. we got to the car and we both opened our cards and out fell beautiful little magazine pictures cut out and interesting little newspaper clippings, but what grabbed me was the handwritten note inside each one encouraging us to be forgiving and to choose joy and be a friend and give a smile and that we are important and God cares for and loves us. I thought I want to be like that little old angel of a lady when I grow up, I want to embrace my walker and orthopedic sneakys and cataracts and in spite of many muddied waters in my life I want to shuffle ahead and choose joy and I want to still choose to smile and share that with whoever crosses my path in whatever kind of weather!!! I'm sure at her age and not being able o bounce very high anymore she could have easily and maybe even for good reason decided to wallow and pity and bemoan her circumstances and yet she chose to brave the freeze and flurry and smile to strangers and brighten a day in spite of!
Joy I feel like I fail at it more than not, and the moment I think, ok, I believe I'm finally getting it, you can rest assured I'm gonna bite the dust!! I mean do I really have to find joy in the moment when your besties gonna spend you birthday with you but then you cant cause your cars dead?? or that the one person that calls you every year and says happy birthday just doesn't this year?? or if the one you want to celebrate the most with just ...doesn't?? I know, I'm 43 and should be past birthday celebrations and expectations but, hey, God don't make no junk and he created me and allowed my existence so surely feeding me and telling me I'm beautiful one day outta the year isn't to much to ask is it?? or can I find joy in the fact that my hubby can actually do physical work, and chooses to work yet another Saturday, when 18 years ago after his bike accident the drs said be prepared for paralyzed for life..... or can I choose to find joy in the fact that my son has a job and a darling girlfriend inspite of it all taking him 1000's of miles away.....or that one of my bestest ever heart friends is moving across country.....or that maybe my purpose and value is found I taking care of my little family and cheering on my tribal peeps In what looks like big life moments and valuable callings and positions and jobs with meaning and worth....can I choose joy when my platform in life might not look like much of a platform compared to those next to me???? can I choose joy when I feel like I'm the only one giving and pouring out and building up and giving and giving and giving, or when the relationship are hard and messy and complicated ........or in the never ending laundry and cooking and wiping noses and little behinds and having little precious time for me and my interests and time.......or can I find joy in the busy and bustle around me and the traffic and........can I choose joy in spite of all and any and even if and shine Jesus wherever I go to whomever is next to me at whatever moment......
I don't do new years resolutions.......however, Joy.....the word that I cant get away from, that keeps popping up in devotionals and floating in front of my vision.....JOY, I want that.....I want....To Let The Beauty Of Jesus Be Seen In Me....the song that keeps hanging out under my floating word....
