Heavens Whispers

Every time I have another routine Dr. appointment I have to fight myself to stay out of my own head. The what if, voices crowd in, the anxiety fights to the surface and the sheer work of holding it at bay leaves limbs jelly trembly, the doubts elbow their way to the forefront, the body wants to curl involuntarily in a fetal stance, hands over head waiting for the next bomb to drop, the faith, the tiniest of mustard seed faith fights valiantly with the voices to believe that even if, the same Father God of mine that got me through before would see me through every second again...….GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL...even if..... This whole uprooting of one's world and flipping it on it's axis is a constant day to day faith builder, an every second decision to reach up and grab hold of my heavenly Father and breath in His continual faithfulness, choosing to take the next step and somehow be ok and live trusting......the voices persistently war....but the soft reassuring voice of my God never stutters or trembles.....
Wednesday February 5, 2020 I had a routine breast cancer doctor visit. I was determined I wasn't going to worry and fret over the what ifs of Dr. Lee finding anything new. I went to work bright and early, got a few hours in then left for my appointment. I have a habit of when alone in my car I pray, verbally, it keeps my mind on praying and I don't fall asleep mid petition, this time I found myself coming back again and again to, please Lord, no more cancer, like a broken record! In a weird crazy way it was kind of good to be back, kind of like coming home, getting to see and squeeze those that became almost family, definitely friends, over the last year. Was great to see my nurse Marcy, she has the potential of a soul sister, love her dearly. Once we got the weight and BP and the 101 questions outta the way it was time to see Dr. Lee, the sweetest doc. one could hope for in these situations. Overall she was pleased with my numbers and how everything was looking, until In doing the exam she found a hard knot right beneath my medi port site. She felt it, then came back to it and I said, yea, that thing showed up after my port was removed, it doesn't bother me less I mess with it. She looked at me and was like, and you weren't going to mention it?? I was like well, I just assumed it was scar tissue or something from my port. She was very emphatic that nothing new or out of the ordinary gets let go, and they, their office, gets called immediately. She then measured it and put orders in for an ultrasound, preferably sooner rather than later, so when I checked out and the receptionist asked when I would like it done I almost didn't then I was like, well, any chance they would have an opening like this afternoon, cause I'm here and it's almost an hour drive so if I could save myself another run.....furthermore the voices were already trying to take over my sanity and I'm thinking lets just get this out of the way and move on with life already and do what we need to do, like I need to know, yesterday kind of thing!! anyway she was like absolutely let me see if I can get you scheduled in today yet and God was listening and an hour and a half later I was in!!!!!The ultrasound tech was very sweet and went over everything thoroughly then was like, well, I need you to stay here until I get the doctor to look at these...….that was like flashbacks to diagnosis, and the anxiety and trembling wanted to kick I and take over, and I thought surely not again......so I once again put my broken record on and my prayer was on repeat, while I'm laying there pleading I heard my phone chime with a message notification, but was terrified to move and check it. A few eternity feeling like minutes passed then there was a soft knock at the door and the sweet tech was back with a doctor in tow. The dr. was a sweet woman that introduced herself with a handshake and a pat on my arm and said, first, to reassure you, you have nothing to worry about!! I said awesome, thankyou Jesus!! She said, yes, this is the kind of news we like to pass on to patients! This is... and she rattled off a large name which means, scar tissue and buildup!! she said it's fairly common after ports have been removed, and it's  showing up as white scar tissue, not black or dark gray as cancer would!! she said I understand Dr. Lee's concern and precaution, and rather look at it and get peace of mind then have regrets. She shook my hand again and let me know she thought I looked very healthy and have no worries then they both left me to clothe and right myself before meeting them to be shown the way out. I got up and felt like a grateful, relieved limp noodle, and the tears started and all I could do was fold myself to my knees by the ultrasound table in thankful praises for answered prayers, once I got up and found my phone I checked my messages and the message that came in at the same time I was waiting and praying was from my boss Katie saying I felt a nudge and wanted you to know I am praying for you!!! and....I cried again!! that was God whispering peace and answered prayer and love!! When you feel a nudge, act on it, you may be the messenger from Heaven that person needs, the reassurance of not being alone they need to hear, the boost of faith that will give them the courage to take the next step or to keep on believing, plus, It will wrap you up in blessings knowing you touched someone else. when I got back to the office we shared celebratory hugs and a few tears, I am blessed to have a boss and work environment that cares for their people for real and are listen to the whispers from heaven. A couple weeks ago I was checking out my local bent and dent store and out of my peripheral I saw a friend I don't know terribly well but know well enough to know her life is one of extreme pain and struggles and my heart hurts for all she has to muddle through. my girls were with me and I briefly thought I should go say hi and hug her, but then we were done and ready to head out so I thought well I guess not this time, but then as I reached the car I still felt like I really should find her and hug her, so before I could over think it I told my girls to unload the cart that I was gonna go say hi to a friend and be right back. I walked into the store and found her shortly after and as I walked up to her I said, hey, I just wanted to say hi and hug you, I know life isn't easy right now, she looked at me and beamed then said, this means so much, my week has been so difficult, and just  this morning I prayed, please Lord, send me people that will lift up my hands that hang down and I got a message or 2 from friends and a hug from you!!!! I walked away thinking, what if I wouldn't have listened to that whispered nudge from God, I would have missed out on the blessing of being an answer to her cry for help, I would have missed seeing the pure joy and amazement on her face as she felt God right there with her in that moment! I wonder how many other opportunities I've missed cause the voices are drowning out and the busy and rush is tuned in and silencing the steady whispered breaths and nudges from heaven......God help me to look around, to turn my eyes and ears and heart wide open to you, to be the blessing someone needs to feel you!!
I came home to a bouquet of cut flowers from a Montana friend, via her sweet kiddo that was here for a brief visit.

ONE YEAR...FROM PORT TO PERMANENTS

Again......it's been so long since I updated, and I still plan to document my year of breast cancer and it's many faces and intense battles, however, I felt like I needed to step away from it a bit and focus something other than that and it's all consuming entity and forget about it for awhile and focus on  more normal life, and on my people, and catch up on moments with them as the passed year moments felt in short supply. And also  I had started back to work when school started and it felt so good to be normal once again and I love my job, it's not only enjoyable, but I get to work with one of my besties and more recently my niece and I it's a good feeling at the end of the day to go home and feel like you are valued and needed somewhere outside of the daily grind of your own four walls. It has been so good to have to get up each morning and know that I have a schedule to meet and people counting on me, I know without that I would have very easily crawled inside my own head and shut down, it would have been very easy to keep my couch as my constant sidekick. when I think of last Christmas and the new year and how daunting the months ahead looked, and how unmovable the cancer diagnosis looked, and the giant black hole of unknowns and what ifs and whys staring at us I get teary with amazement and gratefulness at all we've been through and the faithfulness of our God and how He never left us to do it alone, and the faithfulness of my friends and family that stepped in and helped us plow through this mountain say by day. When I think of last holiday season I am in awe, this Christmas and new years was so different, so much thankfulness and it all looked a bit brighter and cozier and even tho it was low key and not much going on for us this year it all felt extra special and I found myself wanting to dive into each tiniest of moments head first and savoring every second, it also made me feel like everywhere I went I had to find someone to bless and make their day brighter even if i'd never see the results and it made me realize I should be doing that every time I interact with anyone anywhere not just on Christmas and it became a new goal and purpose for me to integrate that in my daily. I had taken hubby away for his birthday the beginning of December, I surprised him with dinner out and tickets to see Trans Syberian Orchestra in Hershey with friends then an overnight at a hotel and a deep tissue massage and lunch out before heading home, and one thing that is a pet peeve of mine is when we go out with others or whatever and someone leaves a lousy tip or complains about having to tip the waiter/waitress, like in my head I'm thinking, but, the fact you are eating out is luxury, even if it's fast food, you could be at home making your own meal for your family but you have the where with all to treat yourself so don't then treat the servers as tho they don't measure up or deserve a decent tip, and so many times those working tables are doing it cause they desperately need it and it's what they could find or it's their second job because they need it for schooling, child care etc. so that too has made me look at them differently, like, I don't know what battles they are warring against but i'm not going to add to it, I want instead to make their day brighter, restore a tiny bit of hope in humanity, give them a tiny glimpse of Jesus. Anyway, on our little get away we stopped at Houlihans for a nice relaxing lunch before heading home, and if your familiar with this particular place its not the classiest of restaurants out there but it is classier than some and the ambiance is nice and you can tell by the table ware and the staff dress it has a standard and expectation of it's employees etc, and so once we were seated this gentleman comes to greet us and take our drink order and all the proper first step procedures of waitering, he was very kind, although his smile didn't reach his eyes and it felt like he was putting on his game face and going through the motions while at our table but as he walked away he was carrying the world, not necessarily grumpy, but not loving the day either, although he was prompt and attentive, as we finished up and he brought the bill then walked away with some of the empty plates, his shoulders drooped a bit and his steps looked labored and immediately I thot, here ya go Janette, perfect opportunity to bless and gift a bit of Jesus and keep in motion the being a blessing everywhere you go, so I did, I gave a bit above and beyond and thinking we'd let it and be gone before he got back to us, but we weren't quite fast enough and he came back to our table as we were about to get up and said with a shaky smile, you surely didn't have to but i'm so grateful, life is hard and i'm just trying to figure out how I can get all that my little girl needs and a few wants for her for Christmas and be a good dad, I said, you are very welcome, and wished him a Merry Christmas and to enjoy every daddy daughter moment he can as they grow up to fast, he smiled, thanked us again and we parted ways. hubby looked at me and said, what'd you do, he was a different person when he came back??!! I said, did you see his face and how his whole countenance and walk was different, then I started crying.....I am more determined than ever to bless wherever I go, even if it's just a smile or hello and eye contact, people everywhere are scaling their own mountains, staring at gaping black holes, grappling with diagnosis, failures, loss, rejection......every second, if I can gift a tiny bit of Jesus and show hope, not only will my life be brighter, the world itself won't be quite as dark.
last new years I was going into it with the beginnings of process towards treatment starting and on the 11th, my birthday of all things, I got the gift of my medi port and that surgery and procedure, that along with many and various scans and tests were snowballing me towards treatment start date and it all looked crazily unreal and unmovable, this new years, thank you Jesus for your grace and faithfulness, today I am having the last, barring any unforeseen issues etc., of my double mastectomy reconstruction. at times it feels so unreal yet so very amazing to look back and see how far we've come, the giant mountain that was ahead of us was taken down one pebble at a time with a lot of loving assistance, the view going forward is vastly altered yet so beautiful in spite of all the scars and detours. I am so very grateful to be on this side of everything and the end of this long journey, I just pray I can go forward, and be a help in moving the next persons mountain, and that this year I can give back and give freely, that I can grow up and in Jesus more, that I can let go of hurts and pains and love fully anyway, that I can build stronger and tear down less, that I can gift Jesus and hope everywhere and anywhere I find myself, that I will be forever grateful for all He's got me thru, and for each that helped me with the next step forward. As we were getting off 81 on our way home from hubbys birthday weekend I looked in my rear view mirror and there was a gorgeous rainbow, and I thot about the last year and how now that it's behind us we can see so many rainbows thru that difficult storm and so often that's how life is, when your in the middle of the gayle force winds of a tsunami you can rarely make out the rainbows but once on the other side they shine brighter than ever and hope and promises are treasured even more.

 blessings to each, i'm off with my dear Paula as my chauffer, to replace dear old cantankerous Blanche and her "breast" friend and side kick Betty for my new "treasured chest" one that will forever stay in place, in permanent perk mode, unmoving, unshakable...…...the new question of the year..decade….to bra or not to bra......Thankyou each one for your prayers and encouragement......I could have nothing to eat after midnight, but, till 9:30 was allowed water and black coffee, yea, black coffee, I tried, but so not a fan, though my cup gave me comfort for the day......

GOD IS IN HER< SHE WILL NOT FALL...……………..