Again......it's been so long since I updated, and I still plan to document my year of breast cancer and it's many faces and intense battles, however, I felt like I needed to step away from it a bit and focus something other than that and it's all consuming entity and forget about it for awhile and focus on more normal life, and on my people, and catch up on moments with them as the passed year moments felt in short supply. And also I had started back to work when school started and it felt so good to be normal once again and I love my job, it's not only enjoyable, but I get to work with one of my besties and more recently my niece and I it's a good feeling at the end of the day to go home and feel like you are valued and needed somewhere outside of the daily grind of your own four walls. It has been so good to have to get up each morning and know that I have a schedule to meet and people counting on me, I know without that I would have very easily crawled inside my own head and shut down, it would have been very easy to keep my couch as my constant sidekick. when I think of last Christmas and the new year and how daunting the months ahead looked, and how unmovable the cancer diagnosis looked, and the giant black hole of unknowns and what ifs and whys staring at us I get teary with amazement and gratefulness at all we've been through and the faithfulness of our God and how He never left us to do it alone, and the faithfulness of my friends and family that stepped in and helped us plow through this mountain say by day. When I think of last holiday season I am in awe, this Christmas and new years was so different, so much thankfulness and it all looked a bit brighter and cozier and even tho it was low key and not much going on for us this year it all felt extra special and I found myself wanting to dive into each tiniest of moments head first and savoring every second, it also made me feel like everywhere I went I had to find someone to bless and make their day brighter even if i'd never see the results and it made me realize I should be doing that every time I interact with anyone anywhere not just on Christmas and it became a new goal and purpose for me to integrate that in my daily. I had taken hubby away for his birthday the beginning of December, I surprised him with dinner out and tickets to see Trans Syberian Orchestra in Hershey with friends then an overnight at a hotel and a deep tissue massage and lunch out before heading home, and one thing that is a pet peeve of mine is when we go out with others or whatever and someone leaves a lousy tip or complains about having to tip the waiter/waitress, like in my head I'm thinking, but, the fact you are eating out is luxury, even if it's fast food, you could be at home making your own meal for your family but you have the where with all to treat yourself so don't then treat the servers as tho they don't measure up or deserve a decent tip, and so many times those working tables are doing it cause they desperately need it and it's what they could find or it's their second job because they need it for schooling, child care etc. so that too has made me look at them differently, like, I don't know what battles they are warring against but i'm not going to add to it, I want instead to make their day brighter, restore a tiny bit of hope in humanity, give them a tiny glimpse of Jesus. Anyway, on our little get away we stopped at Houlihans for a nice relaxing lunch before heading home, and if your familiar with this particular place its not the classiest of restaurants out there but it is classier than some and the ambiance is nice and you can tell by the table ware and the staff dress it has a standard and expectation of it's employees etc, and so once we were seated this gentleman comes to greet us and take our drink order and all the proper first step procedures of waitering, he was very kind, although his smile didn't reach his eyes and it felt like he was putting on his game face and going through the motions while at our table but as he walked away he was carrying the world, not necessarily grumpy, but not loving the day either, although he was prompt and attentive, as we finished up and he brought the bill then walked away with some of the empty plates, his shoulders drooped a bit and his steps looked labored and immediately I thot, here ya go Janette, perfect opportunity to bless and gift a bit of Jesus and keep in motion the being a blessing everywhere you go, so I did, I gave a bit above and beyond and thinking we'd let it and be gone before he got back to us, but we weren't quite fast enough and he came back to our table as we were about to get up and said with a shaky smile, you surely didn't have to but i'm so grateful, life is hard and i'm just trying to figure out how I can get all that my little girl needs and a few wants for her for Christmas and be a good dad, I said, you are very welcome, and wished him a Merry Christmas and to enjoy every daddy daughter moment he can as they grow up to fast, he smiled, thanked us again and we parted ways. hubby looked at me and said, what'd you do, he was a different person when he came back??!! I said, did you see his face and how his whole countenance and walk was different, then I started crying.....I am more determined than ever to bless wherever I go, even if it's just a smile or hello and eye contact, people everywhere are scaling their own mountains, staring at gaping black holes, grappling with diagnosis, failures, loss, rejection......every second, if I can gift a tiny bit of Jesus and show hope, not only will my life be brighter, the world itself won't be quite as dark.
last new years I was going into it with the beginnings of process towards treatment starting and on the 11th, my birthday of all things, I got the gift of my medi port and that surgery and procedure, that along with many and various scans and tests were snowballing me towards treatment start date and it all looked crazily unreal and unmovable, this new years, thank you Jesus for your grace and faithfulness, today I am having the last, barring any unforeseen issues etc., of my double mastectomy reconstruction. at times it feels so unreal yet so very amazing to look back and see how far we've come, the giant mountain that was ahead of us was taken down one pebble at a time with a lot of loving assistance, the view going forward is vastly altered yet so beautiful in spite of all the scars and detours. I am so very grateful to be on this side of everything and the end of this long journey, I just pray I can go forward, and be a help in moving the next persons mountain, and that this year I can give back and give freely, that I can grow up and in Jesus more, that I can let go of hurts and pains and love fully anyway, that I can build stronger and tear down less, that I can gift Jesus and hope everywhere and anywhere I find myself, that I will be forever grateful for all He's got me thru, and for each that helped me with the next step forward. As we were getting off 81 on our way home from hubbys birthday weekend I looked in my rear view mirror and there was a gorgeous rainbow, and I thot about the last year and how now that it's behind us we can see so many rainbows thru that difficult storm and so often that's how life is, when your in the middle of the gayle force winds of a tsunami you can rarely make out the rainbows but once on the other side they shine brighter than ever and hope and promises are treasured even more.
blessings to each, i'm off with my dear Paula as my chauffer, to replace dear old cantankerous Blanche and her "breast" friend and side kick Betty for my new "treasured chest" one that will forever stay in place, in permanent perk mode, unmoving, unshakable...…...the new question of the year..decade….to bra or not to bra......Thankyou each one for your prayers and encouragement......I could have nothing to eat after midnight, but, till 9:30 was allowed water and black coffee, yea, black coffee, I tried, but so not a fan, though my cup gave me comfort for the day......
