Patched Amputation!

We were hiking through dense woods, enjoying the scenery all around, taking in the lush moss covered rocks and beds of crisp green ferns, as we wondered along, hubby kids and i we felt as though we were in our own world, as though this place was made especially for us. we were loving every minute of togetherness, making memories to treasure for a life time however long or short that would be. i remember stopping and giggling cause the youngest darling son was lagging behind and i ran back and caught him and said, hey little man, you need to keep up we don't want to lose you, and then i held him oh so tight, my cheek pressed to his and he giggled again as his long dark lashes brushed kisses on my face,as i breathed in the softness of his skin and the smell of him and i smiled and thanked God with  a full heart for this precious son so soft, warm, alive squeezing me tight. we walked on hand in hand catching up to rest  as we emerged into a meadow filled with flowers and ferns and birds singing and flitting around and butterflies gliding about, and the son lifted his hands and twirled about dancin and laughin and my heart was filled with wonder and joy at this the beauty of creation and this moment and the look of childlike awe on his face. as he ran about chasing butterflies i yelled remember stay close we don't want to lose you, and he bubbled up with laughter and waves. i strolled after hubby picking wildflowers and breathing deeply this pure mountain air thinking life is good, is perfect, then i turned to call my son to come and as i turned to look for him and his bright smile again........................I WOKE UP!!!

Ahhhhhh the let down feeling when you wake up from something amazingly wonderful and real only to be smacked in the face with the stark reality of a life that we  knew being over, done, ended!! The gaping truth of a little family no longer complete, like an eternal smile with a missing tooth! i lay there in the predawn silence frantically wiling my body to resume slumber in hopes of picking up where i left off and enjoying a few more moments of the bliss we once knew, but the harder i tried to concentrate and go back to dreamland the further out of grasp it became, so i resigned myself to reliving the dream over and over and remembering our Devin's angelic face with his big dark eyes and lashes his nurses all told him they would fight for. i could still smell him and feel his soft warm body in my arms with his chubby arms circling my neck and i longed so much for the ability to turn back time and freeze it right where we were all together and healthy and life was perfect. These dreams don't come very often but when they do i always find myself struggling to get up and make something productive out of my day, the depression and sorrow and ache of what was and now isn't threatens to send me running right back to my bed to frantically grab covers and dive underneath and hide from the world, but life moves on other bodies in this household need tended to, food needs made, clothes need washed,and the never ending list remains front and center, mockingly stating the fact that although some things have changed theres also some that haven't, so i put on a brave face suck up the river of tears the begs to be let loose and i start the mundane duties of life.

As i went about my day i thought i about a book i had just read about a wounded soldier girl that was struggling with a prosthesis, and i thought how we both had suffered tremendous loss. but then i though that you know the death of loved one is like having an amputation of the heart, theres always a giant piece of it missing only there is no prosthesis available. yes more kids can come along but that never replaces or even begins to take the place of the one that is gone. so as an amputee has to adjust to life with a fake limb we have to go on through life making adjustments to our world with a loved one thats absent, we learn to find a new normal, we try to patch up the torn pieces of our heart and reconstruct a life that wasn't before. and along the way God puts in our path patches we need to help us mend our torn and broken hearts, he gives us friends and loved ones and soulmates and soulsisters and bestys and coffee chats and kind deeds, and outta the blue hugs and flowers and all these wonderful amazing things are knit together and soon the wound isnt quite so glaringly raw and aching, and yes we always remember, and yes sometimes the tears still flow, and the arms still ache, but we have hope, and love, and so many wonderful memories!! And i know my angel is waiting with arms raised and dark eyes shining, with a huge smile on his face to hug his mama and welcome me to Heaven!! 

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose......All that we love deeply becomes a part of us!!