Tangled Clouds

i think when i get to heaven one of the first questions i want to ask God is why he made woman with their emotions all in a tangled heap like grannys yarn basket. it's fast heading toward fall here, i love fall, the brisk cool mornings the color bursting through the fields and trees, but along with the approach of fall come the anniversary of Devin's death. and no matter how much i feel at peace with what he went through and the outcome it still hits me between the eyes with a powerful bring you to your knees blow that leaves you feeling like where ever you go theres this little black cloud hovering above. this year i thought, to myself earlier, i don't think i'll mind it like before, it's been getting easier, he's still missed intensley but we've come along way, and with a new baby right around the corner and the excitement and anticipation of Her arrival, i think this year will be different, there will be new fresh life and hope. NOT TRUE!! my emotions over the past week or so have been all over the place, very high, very low, even keel, through the roof, you name it i've been there. one moment i'm thankful for the 5 wonderful years, the next i scream out why only that long. then i see a friend who's been where we've been, and her son fought and won, but the side affects have been torture, and with new issues arrising and treatment limited and more side affects involved and heading down an unknown road again filled with what ifs and whys i find myself on another emotional rollersoaster. one minute i'm thankful my son was spared this kind pain and not having to look at being a child mentally stable but totally unnormal, and the next moment knowing i'd give everything to walk through it with him if he were here. sometimes as frustrated as it has made me at times i think men got the better end of the emotional dealing with thing. it seems at least for my hubby, they quietly process and mull over it and pull themselves up and move on, some days i long for that, but then i think how having to deal with it over and over has kept me at Jesus feet, in that constant seeking for the peace and assurance that He is there helping, guiding, loving me through every black cloud, for when the days are sunniest it's easiest to go my own way. so though today started out "rainy" it's sunny once again, as peace chased away the storm!!