Terrorific Calm

It was the same horrific nightmare that had me tearing at my sheets in a sweat soaked panic, clawing at the dark night surrounding me, desperately trying to find an opening of fresh air to relieve my ache to breathe that had haunted me for more years than I cared to remember. It was the same panic, and terror every time, the heat of roaring, angry flames so thick and high and wide there was no possibility of any humanly attainable escape route, and when it wasn't the maddening flames grabbing at me it was the intense suffocation of blinding darkness and choking smoke, lassoing my body pressing in and shoving down leaving me to battle my sheets as a drowning victim would beat the waves, but in the end

i always desperately broke free of its smoky fingered clutches at the last imaginable second and gulped in mouthfuls of pure clean smokeless air surrounding My bed, slowly coming fully awake and focusing on the realization that once again it wasn't actually happening, it was just another night terror, and as always it left me in shaken tears and fear of closing my eyes for much needed rest lest the monster jump me again. I had battled this night terror for several years already, not every night, or even every week but far oftener than is healthy for any ones weary bones, and there was never any warning or known trigger point at least that I had figured out. I used to read everything I could and was allowed to get my hands on, and the nightmare began after I read a series of house fire horror stories featured in the Readers Digest, true, from what I remember all turned out without any human loss but still it was mind riveting! Every time after an “episode” as I lay trying to calm my mind and will myself back to sleep, I would pray like crazy and try and think of anything to steer my mind from going back to the suffocation and desperation of the nightmare of not only trying to keep myself alive in the horror but to frantically rescue each of my family.  and trust m, counting sheep really doesn't work, at all, especially, when in your traumatized minds eye each one turns into a flaming, bleating, ball of woolen nastiness!! Then one night, the horror returned for another visit, but this time it was met head on with a force that didn't even begin to match it's strength and as I woke breathless and shaking I sensed a calm that wasn't present before and as I opened my eyes I looked immediately to the left of my bed and saw a firefighter standing there, clothed in his black and yellow company attire, I couldn't see his face cause his head was tilted and the shadow from his helmet shielded the rest of it, he didn't utter a word but there was slight glow around him and there was peace, intense peace. I remember thinking, am I awake or is this still my nightmare? But just as quickly I also realized my eyes were for real open, so I slowly closed them and then opened them up but my fireman was gone, my room however was filled with peace and calm and I fell back to sleep and experienced a rest I hadn't had in a long time! My Angel Fireman took something from me that night when he came to visit, he took the nightmare, since that visit it has never been back, but, more importantly he left me something, something priceless, he left me peace, peace and an assurance that I have a higher power fighting for me and I always have the assurance that my God is looking out for and caring for every detail of my life , I only need to lay back and rest in Him, I need not fear anything, He is in control of every thing that ever concerns me no matter how itty bitty or humongo or how out of proportion we let our imagination and paranoia run, He's always right there taking, healing, exchanging it for peace and calm. then one night 6 years ago, that long ago night terror became reality!!! It was 5ish in the evening, Glen and I were getting ready to go away later, I was babysitting one of my besties, Miriam's kiddos and two were outside playing in the snow the other 2 were inside playing a game all was peaceful and calm we thought, but then, about the same time Glen and I saw a flaming piece of something float down past our bathroom window we heard the kids come screaming into the house shouting fire!! it was the coldest iciest night of the year that January evening, but hubby threw on a coat over his shirtless form and yelled to call 911 while he made a feeble attempt to try and stop the flame with a garden hose. I remember the adrenaline kicking in as I dialed for help, and telling the kids to get out and go stand by the camper! I also remember an unexplainable peace and calm as I talked  to emergency personal, and then annoyance as they kept asking me if everyone got out, I kept saying yes we are all out and safe, and then for like the 4th time, ma'am what about pets, are your pets all safe and accounted for?? seriously?? I just told you how many times my kids are out and my hubby and I are safe!! oh yeah that's right some peoples pets are their kids, now I remember, but yes, there was calmness, and as I hung up with them, I thought ok grab Devin's pics and oh yeah you should back out the car quickly, so I did all that and hubby comes around the corner of the house with a look of defeat and resignation on his face and said I can't reach it with the garden hose, we're gonna lose the house!! I said honey, I'm backing out the car, get the truck!! He was like jolted back to earth and said, oh yea, good idea!! I put the kids in the car and let it run keeping them warm cause when I told them to go out and stand by the camper they obeyed no questions asked, rare moment I know, they ran out without any coats one or so without any socks. I sat in the car a little staring at our home in unbelief as smoke and flames rose higher, then I was pulled outta my shock by the pandemonium around me of panicking crying kiddos. I got them quiet and said kids it'll be ok, shall we pray together?? they agreed, and I did and the car became silent and calm. I got out of the car and thought well, I have my camera, I guess I might as well take some pics while I wait, then I thought but I should make a few calls first, that's when I briefly fell apart, I was fine until I phoned my bestie, Roseanna, my dad, (something reassuring and safe about hearing my dad's voice in the middle of terror even at 34 that the tears just flowed)  and Glen's brother Gene, I remember crying as I told Gene, our house is burning down and your brother's gonna need you! Glen could always talk to his mom about anything, and he was closest to his brother Gene, and watching him pace in front of his burning home and periodically stop and stare was tearing me up!  by then the emergency stuff was arriving, or trying to, the lane was too steep and icy! neighbors started coming out of the woodwork, literally, through the woods, neighbors I'd never even met before coming up and offering support and hugs, dear neighbor Becky from the farm up the road, also great aunt to Miriam's kids took the kids to her house for warmth and distraction. my dad and mom, arrived after having a "firm, no non sense" discussion with traffic director that he will be going thru cause it was his daughter's house in flames! Dear Andrea and Devon brought coffee and hugs. I was called into the one firetruck to discuss red cross help and cross examined to be sure we were all emotionally ok, at one point they asked me if there was anything we'd like gotten out of the house, the only thing I could think of was my glasses on my bathroom sink and Devin's portrait on the living room wall. later a firefighter brought me my glasses that he found under a pile of sooty debris of water and smoke logged insulation and drywall and charred upstairs remains, they were dirty but otherwise perfect!! Andrea rescued Devin's portrait and took it home for a bit of loving restoration, only a faint, have to search pretty hard for watermark is remaining on it as of today!! it was hours before hubby and I got to even talk to each other, we were pulled this way and that, I'd catch a glimpse of him here and there amidst the firemen, neighbors, organized for the most part hurried pandemonium. family and friends arrived and then finally the fire was out and we started rescuing what we could from the house, the most important essentials in computers, files etc, the rest would wait till morning. I remember barely keeping myself together the first time I walked through our house afterwards, the eerie cold dark grotesque silence, silence except for the occasional drip of water running off of something, silence except for the random creak or groan of charred, water soaked lumber. walking through was horrific, stuff just hanging and heaped and matted and ugly, I wanted to run far away and come back after it was all cleaned up and over. in spite of all the ugly and brief meltdowns there was underlying calm the entire time and there was no night terrors from the kids and the old ones never came back for me and I know that it's truly a God thing, especially after I saw the upstairs and my kids bedroom, the way the door was shut and charred and blocked by flames and smoke, if that would have happened in the middle of the night, the smoke alarms never went off cause it was all up in the attic at first and till it reached that point it was to late, the only way out for the kids would have been the front window over the porch, can you imagine getting a panicked 11 and 7 year old to follow frantic instructions from the ground outside their window??!! I don't believe for a minute that the calmness and lack of night terrors are a coincidence, I believe that same angel fireman that was in my room all those years ago was with us that night and since then! a day or so after the fire looking through my pics I saw our angel once again in the smoke, and it's a picture I fell in love with in spite of the trauma and ugliness, because to me it's God saying, Girl, I've got you, even in the middle of charred, and ugly, ashes and hard, I'm here, I'm watching, I'm protecting, guiding and loving!

 
       even after I grew up, left home, and married, that night terror never returned. once I had kids tho, other fears surfaced rather often. one where I was driving and the kids were safely strapped in their car seats, but then, just as we were going over a railroad track my car dies and I cannot get it going and I look up and a train is bearing down on us and im now desperately trying to race tine and speed and unbuckle and grab my kiddoes out...... aaaannnnddd.............. then I'd wake up!!! not sure what brought on this particular fear except that because of where we lived we often had to cross a railroad track and it was something I'd think about every time we'd go across, what if!!??

another night terror I had with my kids was the fear of them being attacked by a rabid wild animal, I mean we lived in the woods after all, and when we were dating and at a family get together we actually witnessed one of my husbands nephews being attacked by a rabid fox. one minute he was nicely playing the next he had a fox attached to his face!! that kind of sight doesn't go away quickly! another fear that was hugely real to me was the thought of something happening to my hubby while driving or at work and him dying and me being left alone. that fear was huge!! to the point of being a bear to him if he walked in the door 20 minutes late!! then he actually had an accident!! On a bike no less!!! and I was with him!!!! and there was nothing I could have done about it!! but it did make me realize I need to grab every moment as if it was our last, not in paranoia but in gratefulness cause we're not promised another day, neither one of us!!

but, one thing I never feared was cancer!! and it still doesn't worry me much, even after being engulfed in the disease. they usually say what you worry and fret about usually never happens, and isn't it crazy of all the things I've worried and fretted over in life Cancer was never one them, and when it hit we were totally blindsided, I mean really, what are the chances?? seriously?? it was all always out there somewhere, never right here, surely not this close home!!    

       Someone once told me I feel to much, that I enter everything with my heart wide open and then I feel it all so personally, so real, and that I shouldn't be like that. I didn't like their definition of myself cause I didn't agree with it and because I don't like fake people and because I've tried the fake persona and it's exhausting and extremely unsatisfying. However I have since come to the realization that there is some truth to this statement also. and this understanding hasn't hatched over night and there's still a lot im learning. I've learnt for my own mental stability and spiritual strength and faith in God, and for the health and nurturing of my family to be who God has called me to be I cannot let myself get wrapped up in Readers Digest, social media, news, and politics. Am I saying I feel these things are wrong? No, but for me and because I know how my mind works, I need to use extreme caution cause, It takes up way to much of my time and energy I need for my family, leaves me with no time for God, and constantly questioning my faith and trust in Him, and more often than not leaves me feeling, judgmental, critical, confrontational, unsettled, fearful, angry, hateful, competitive, shallow and empty, just to name a few! :) and the media loves to hype up stuff and play on people's nerves and emotions and more often than not it's not with faith in humanity and positive upbuilding stories and headlines! So, yea, when I think of this then I guess I'd have to agree with that statement somewhat, however, I don't feel the answer is closing ones heart and not feeling, it's finding and discerning which avenues one is safe going down, it's entering each one with caution and a steady conversation with the Father as a guide, it's removing the hazards, and steering clear of the potholes. I recently read a church sign that I can't get out of my head! (I love reading church signs, they're highly entertaining at times and rather insightful at others!)anyway, this particular sign said something like this, "living in fear, leaves you no different than the Atheist!" when I read that I was immediately defensive and all like, are you serious?? that's pretty harsh and blunt!! however, the more I pondered and mulled over it the more I've come to realize there is a boatload of truth to that statement if we're honest enough to admit it! think about it, if we're constantly living in fear of disease, the future, our kid's turning out, being safe, losing our spouse, etc., we're initially saying we don't believe God is in control. we're initially saying, we need to fret and worry cause we don't actually trust in our God enough to believe Him capable of protecting us, doing what is best for us, etc. we're saying, that we don't have the faith in His actually having the whole world in His hands. so like the Atheist, our belief of God is, we don't want to go so far as to say it's non existing, but, very limited?! this whole thought and concept was a blow between the eyes, cause while I'd like to think my faith is real and strong it was a smack between the eyes that in reality I can be fearful and fretful far to often and to often keep my God as a limited God, one that might quite not realize the realness of a situation or the intensity or the what ifs or.............has this realization and seeing the truth in it completely dissolved my issues of fretting and fearing?? No, not totally, it has caused me to stop as soon as I realize what's happening and say God, I need you to take this, I know fear is not from you! it's also made me love Him even more cause I know that He gets that we're so human and will fail him over and over and have struggles, and that's where His grace knows no end, and every time, He comes through for me and takes that fear!! it may be an every hour retaking some days, but He's always faithful! there's a quote I came across recently that I love, it goes like this, "God is never the source of confusion and fear, but, of strength and peace!! the beginning of the year I made this song my song of the year!! when I first heard it last fall, early winter I felt like it was sung at the right moment just for me and smiled and raised my hands then I cried, I know, typical me, boohooing, but it spoke straight to my heart, and hey, they were happy tears, I felt so loved, and it was such an intentional message straight from God's mouth to my ears!!