First of all i promise all my posts won't be on death and dying and grieving......on the other hand it does feel at times that this subject has been a bigger part of my life. Anyway this angle of the subject has been going through my head alot the last few weeks. Maybe it's because i overheard a few people talking about another aqauintance who just went through a miscarriage, or maybe because finding out at age 37 and 10 years after your last one your pregnant again and the scenarios that run through your mind are not always pretty and frankly a tad frightening or maybe it's remembering remarks individuals said to and about us as we went through times of loss, i really don't know what triggered it but for what it's worth i'm gettin it outta my system.
finding out we are pregnant was an amazing wonderful although terrifying surprise!! after all it's been10 years since we found ourselves in this situation. it seriously kind of feels like the first one all over again, where do we start, is this feeling normal, should i have this trouble already, etc etc the mind goes ninety mile an hour with answers not necessarily any answers always. but in light of life and losses and dark times we journeyed we really feel like it has been a gift straight from Heaven, a rainbow after the storm kind of experiance. as i was adjusting to the fact that this was really happening my mind again went in all directions, down many avenues that werent really healthy or encouraging such as what if my age makes for more risks or less healthy baby or what if we miscarriage??? and that last question brought me to the conversation i overheard and to the time 12 years ago when i experianced that very thing, and the remark i heard and that was made to me was.....i'm sure it's best, after all the baby was probably handicapped or mentally unhealthy!!!! this is where i have found myself mauling lately....i despise that thought!!! Number one no mother wants to envision the baby she carries as being freakish and less than perfect, number two, i'm not saying that isn't the case at times, i know there is evidence of health issues, but i don't think God's perfect Heaven is sporting a bunch of sweet unperfect babies. when our Devin died at 5 we had people make remarks like well maybe he would have grown up to be a trouble maker or rebelled! What?? i as a mother was horrified to think of my darling, innocent beautiful boy being a hellion!! No...as his mother i refuse to think that....i dont think God looks from Heaven and says you know what, this kid is gonna cause issues so were gonna take him and end that right now....NO!!! i believe that God in all His perfectness looks at these precious little souls and smiles in pride and with overflowing abundance of love says....i created this perfect little masterpiece and it blesses my heart, and this child is so beautiful and perfect i can't bear to be apart from them a minute longer and tenderly gathers them to Himself to beautify and perfect His kingdom. i know when our son died he was not perfect, physically, healthwise, he was fighting cancer, was bald, and swollen. and i know as much as he left this world imperfectly when he arrived in Heaven he was made perfect, but what i'm trying to say in all this is,God doesnt need an excuse to call one of His precious creations to His side, He's the master designer, He has the right. and we shouldn't make excuses to by making His creation seem less than ideal when more than likely that little rose was just to perfect for Him to part with.
the other thing with people making those kind of remarks is it can make the parents feel guilty....were we horrible parents that he would have turned out this way?? where did we ere? or did i not eat right? that i miscarried? did i do too much or not take care??? NO!!! God said, i know you'll hurt for awhile...but remember i'll carry you through this.....but i need my perfect masterpiece with me to Perfect and glorify my kingdom, these precious souls are my heart i cant bear to be apart from them.........not sure that all makes sense to anyone else reading it.....but like i told my friend once, to write my mind goes faster than my pen, and i kinda feel like that tonight, my minds going faster than my fingers..............never the less i vented.....and feel a little better :)
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