How does a mama hold her kids tightly, yet loosely enough they grow their own wings and learn how to fly solo?? How does a mama keep her kids tucked snuggly under her wing of protection, yet, encourage them to broaden their horizons?? How does a mama shield her kids from hurts, yet, teach them that life is hard, and to march forward with courage and bravery?? How does a mama teach her kids that in spite of our best laid plans and ambitions, God may have better plans in mind for us, and to surrender and follow Him, one dedicated step at a time and to keep moving even when the travels become a bit blurred?? How does a mama teach her kids to tightly grab hold of each and every loved one and cherished moment in life, yet, keep your hands and hearts wide open to prevent smothering, or crippling??
Yesterday was October 13, 2015..........I had to willingly choose to smile and praise God for the gift of a new day!!(not nearly every second did I conquer this battle) The day started out in rain, and I wanted desperately to wallow and embrace pity and pain and allow myself to be convinced that God was letting the heaven's cry on this memorable, horrifically sad day, therefore giving me the license to be entirely miserable the whole day, just because I felt I indeed earned every bit of it!! But.....after a serious 5 minute early morning meltdown, I had no more tears, and I thought, wow, glad that's outta the way, now maybe the day won't feel so long, cause it's truly, honestly one of those days ya just want to fast forward thru and move on. there just isn't any right way to deal with this day, I mean to be totally ok and just be all sunshiny seems like your saying, you don't remember and have walked away from that event, yet to be all gloom and sad seems so pointless to, to not mention anything of it at all seems like denial and a constant dodging of the mammoth in the room and just ends the day in frustration...............and so to just sleep thru it and hurriedly get to the day after, if only that were possible sounds rather relieving and delightful, but......Life.....we gotta breath Jesus, and bravely soldier on...............how does a mama hold tight and let go??!! we do all we can for the child fighting for his life, we meet every scheduled doctor appointment (and every unexpected unscheduled one) with bravery and determination, with a smile and a cloak of confidence betraying the bone rattling tremors taking place inside, we hold small hands thru pokes, prods and procedures, thru night terrors, and night sweats. we hold iv lines, port needles and pee bottles. we smile and joke thru unexpected vomit messes, yet another poopy pair of briefs, and clumps of brown little boy hair in your food. we don't go outta their sight in order to keep the smile on their precious faces and their world feeling a little more dependable and secure. we curl up alongside on creaky hospital gurneys, amidst tubes and bandages, monitors and pads, holding close, singing, soothing, calming, reassuring, praying. we celebrate every moment no matter how ginormous, or miniscule. we make meals at 1Am then hold and soothe when they can't eat after all. we shield, we cry in private, we cheer, we fight alongside...................and then............you hold, for hours, make every feeble attempt to ensure their frailness is a comfortable as can be, turn up the pain meds, give more air, insert catheter, tuck them in, hold their hands rub their feet, sing, pray, tell them over and over and over and over, how much you love them, and will always, and that you are so proud of them and that he'll always, always be your son, FOREVER!! and, as the breathing gets more labored, the rattle more intense, the eyes open less, the hands squeeze almost not at all............through foggy eyes and throat boulders, trembling lips and a bleeding heart you pull them as close as you physically can and you whisper in precious little boy ears, it's ok, run to Jesus, we'll be fine, we'll always love you, you can let the angels carry you to Jesus then you'll feel better, it's ok.........really.......then it was over, and suddenly mama knew just a itty bitty bit of how it felt to hold ever so tightly, and yet let go.
My niece Kate, was 11 when Devin ran to Jesus!! yesterday, I went and helped her and her mama with stuff for her wedding. Life really does just keep right on moving!! I couldn't help but think of the different life seasons and events and how in so many of them mamas find out a tiny taste of holding tightly and letting go. my sister was saying how she was having mixed feeling, a little teary at times at seeing Kate and her fiancé moving stuff outta her childhood home into their own, the reality of cutting ties, leaving mama, on one hand your ecstatic for them and celebrating with them but on the other your mama heart wants to pop into rescue mode and reach out and tuck them lil ones right back under your wing and keep them there forever!! but...adjustments will come, life will indeed keep moving!!
2 months ago, after driving solo for only approximately 5 months I got the dreaded call every mama never wants to get!! AND I WAS LIKE 90 MINUTES FROM HOME!! Brandon had called me not long before that and told me he took his jeep and trailer to Chambersburg to pick up his four wheeler, after chatting a bit I told him I loved him and to be careful.....20 minutes later my cell rang, and I hear, mom, I don't know if dad and I will join you this weekend, I just wrecked my jeep!!!!! HELPLESS MAMA MOMENT!! mama moment, take a deep breath and get the particulars and let go.....it's in God's hands......ummmm ok....sooooo what happened?? I don't know really, I suddenly saw a pole, and swerved to miss and well, the trailer caught the pole and the whole rig rolled and was on its roof, but, it's all sitting back up on it'd wheels somehow.....are you hurt?? did you have a belt on?? ummm, I'm fine I think, my arms scraped up and my leg hurts a little, but I'm okay, no, I wasn't wearing my belt, and I wasn't on my phone, THANKYOU JESUS!! and there was no one else involved, again, THANKYOU JESUS!! the whole rigs across the road, but, I gotta go mom, dads trying to reach me, he said he'd come right away......................I was a bit teary but amazingly enough, felt a calm, outta my control..........thinking about it after I got off the phone, I thanked God for guardian angels, and for giving me the gift of holding onto my oldest awhile longer. Him and his daddy still met me at our friends place for the weekend, and I got to hug him, (he still hugs his mama regularly, and is ok with that :) I'm not gonna complain) and I said, Brandon, aren't you glad your angels took you seriously?? he looked at me a bit blankly then, smiled really big as the lightbulb flashed on, and said yeah I am!! you see, his spare tire cover had this printed on upside down....."if you can read this, flip me over" coincidence......nope, I'm goin for Miracle!! cause, the story could have turned out so horribly different, I'm ok with a scraped ear and bruised leg!
how does a mama hold ever so tightly and yet, let go?? I don't know if I have any once and done answers for this quandary........except, place them in God's hands, even though there may be days we'll do this every other minute, and rest easy knowing His faithfulness to us never ends, and His promises to always be with us are sure! to extend grace, cherish every moment, make many memories, live fully, love unconditionally............
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