"Leaf" It To Him

 a few months ago while camping with friends one of my peeps remarked with unbridled enthusiasm about the pretty leaves drifting aimlessly from their perches and sailing nonchalantly passed rocks and minnows in a little mountain stream. I was all like, pppttttthhhhh, I hate it!! it's like another sign of death and dying and one minute it's here than it's just gone and it's gray and ugly nothingness left, with seemingly endless cold and shivering anxiety!! today, I would like to say, I see what she saw. my heart feels full! it's the first fall week in 9 years that I've been looking out my windows and feeling happy at the plethora of brilliant color and circus of leaves riding the breeze to the ground! (can't really say I'm anxious for winter, I'm just not a fan of cold, but.....) we need our seasons, if there wouldn't be seasons, we'd be always hung up at one boring miserable point in life, stifled, stiff, and stunted in our growth of beauty and maturity, our journey would never have an end goal, our story never complete. there are times in life where we like each of those brilliant little bits of fall foliage need to let go of whatever we're holding onto so desperately and go where our Father leads!! we need to relinquish hold of our hurts, our anxieties, our own agendas and rest in His will and way!! in the 9-10 years since Devin's diagnosis and death there have been an abundant of healing factors in my life. from the gift of encouraging friends, books, movies, and songs played at the right moment to Hugs sent straight from Heaven for me personally. each of these things have played a huge part in tiny pieces of my shattered world and bleeding heart to be somewhat righted in an amazing slowly recuperating kind of way! Last week another little section of the broken and messy healed a little bit more!! My dear friend Sarah and I attended the "Embracing Womanhood" conference, on "Courageous Living" in the gorgeous foothills of North Carolina. the drive was through many brilliantly fall colored mountains and landscapes, no matter how much fall was not my thing, I couldn't help but see God shining out around every turn, it was like He grabbed a giant paint brush and a never ending pallet of colors and went crazy!! (that's crazy, in a really good way, only God can do kinda way!! ) :) it was like, He was out to get my attention, as in, this girl is gonna love my seasons, she's not gonna see this coming, and it's gonna alter her broken messed up hurting heart!! and as usual, He knew exactly what He was doing, cause it totally did!! two of the speakers at this event were angel mamas to kids they had to say goodbye to due to cancer, we had a lovely chat the 3 of us, and shared, frustrations, encouragement, photos and memories of our kids, tears and hugs! there's just nothing like connecting with those that have seen and walked some of the same hellish moments you have walked with your own cancer fighting child, it's a walk that unless you've been........not that I don't have amazing friends that want to feel with me and are still here for me even though they've never walked it....... I met a few others too that through course of conversation we learned about one another and they said, please, do you have any pictures of Him you can share?? OH MY HEART!!! this!! is so healing to an angel mamas heart, to be given the permission to not only talk about but to share a tiny bit of His life with those that want to see, to be allowed the privilege of remembering him, to not feel guilty at keeping a bit of him alive, to not feel guilty that, no, I've not closed that chapter and ended that book, and frankly, well, that story won't ever end, cause that dear sonshine of ours is as much a part of who I am as the rest of my kiddos,  but, to be given the gift of sharing him was priceless!!  the thought that we all have a story was brought up different times through out the event by different speakers, it's a thought I've been thinking on for awhile already, but, most people's we won't ever read. mainly because we're to fearful and untrusting a lot of the time to be vulnerable and transparent enough to go there with anyone, or because we become to self absorbed to really hear what the other person is desperately trying to tell us!! to hear these women that spoke, narrate through brokenness and tears, blurbs of their stories, to see them be so transparent and vulnerable, sharing pieces of horrific life and earthshattering hard stuff, and hellish moments, was intensely healing, in that confirmation that I'm not alone in my feelings and struggles, and that our Father is faithful every time at seeing His children through!!!  that even when we feel there are moments of intense aloneness and floundering and doubts, our Father is always there!! and.....He's so very ok with broken and messy and the good, the bad, and ugly!! another healing thought was, we so often are our own worst critics, a lot of times we hold ourselves to an even much higher standard than our Father does, so when we fail, which we humans do so often, we wallow, and berate, and punish, condemn and beat ourselves, and our Father says, NO!!  release it, to me you are perfect, in all your brokenness, and stumbling, and messy, release it all, press into me your Father, I want you to see you as I do, I want you to love you as I love you, for who I created and designed you to be, let go and just be in ME!! we discredit God and His amazing love so often, and give the devil way more than he deserves! we make our Father and His love so complicated and unattainable!! He says, come, we say.....but......He says, NO! just come and be, be the beautiful you I love, in Me!! press into Me!! release your messy, your brokenness, your tests, your story and rest in Me and my love for you!!
we all would love to put on a gorgeous smile every morning, and wrap ourselves up in the amazing thought that we have it all together, and we want to go out and about in all our venues of life under the disguise that we have a perfect life.......ha!! we're so pitifully delusional!! we need to learn to be transparent, in spite of judgments and others criticism, we need to be like those gorgeous bits of fall foliage and surrender our hold and lay back and rest in Him. another profound thought that was shared was...... when we press into the Father, when we own our stories and in turn release them to our Father, He will take our messes and give us messages, our brokenness and create beauty, turn our tests into testimonies!!! we never know when we own our stories, how God will use us, because of Him in us who we can speak life and encouragement to! I came away from that time feeling like I had found a sort of freedom, yet cried a boatload of tears, that I had released an insurmountable load of burdens, that I had surrendered my story, and yet the devil knows when we are vulnerable and I found the following week I had to release yet again, over and over, and I found myself walking through a carpet of sparkling surrendered fallen leaves conversing with my Father every day, pressing into Him, daily searching for the same beautiful me that He sees and loves! again He was there faithfully every step!! I don't know where He's going with my story, I do know that it seems cancer is a focal point, seems every where I go I'm confronted by it. does it scare me? No. does it make me angry? yes!! far more than I realized.........have I travelled that path for a reason?? most definitely!! maybe to be more aware and empathize with those going down that road??!! I don't know really.......but...... we carpooled with 2 dear sweet young ladies I never met before, and leaving the event the second night and heading back to our hotel I learned the one ladies 12 year old brother was recently diagnosed with lymphoma! I learnt they are using the same hospital, and some of the same docs. I don't know if I will ever be called to be more than a prayer warrior for this young man and his family but I know without a doubt that our Father put that young lady and I in the same vehicle that weekend for a reason, even if it's just for one short paragraph in her life's story of being able to tell someone the heart wrenching news about her brother, that has walked that path!!

the worship time at this event was straight from heaven beautiful and soul touching!!  one of the main songs, the theme song, is one that I've liked since the first time I heard it, but this time I fell in love with it!! I keep it on repeat in my head and it's so comforting!! if I can get it to cooperate ill share it with you!! be blessed people, be the you God designed you to be, release your story, press into Him................surrender and rest......He's Got This!!