Heaven's Champions!!

Good morning, Devin, my little man,
       Some days I cant believe we're almost to the 10 year mark of watching you run to Jesus! Giving you back was the hardest most painful thing I ever had to do!! Most days it seems like only yesterday we let go of your hand! Then there are other days it seems an eternity has passed, these are the days I fight to remember the sweet sound of your voice, the, whispered, mommy, I love you, or the soft, will you hold me mommy and then the contented sigh as I snuggle every squishy, lovely bit of your little boy self. it's these days that I frantically try to draw up a recollection of that amazing warm little boy smell that was all you, and I try to grab a glimpse into those big sparkling chocolate teddy bear eyes, and desperately conjure up the sound of your bubbly giggle, and desperately, almost in panic mode try and remember the feel of your hand in mine, or the tight hugs and warm arms squeezed around my neck........10 years.......some days an ache so intense slams me by surprise, and I'm blindsided, struggling to catch my breath and right my balance.  Grief is not something you get over, or outgrow, but a constant every day, every season process. 10 years.....I can honestly, mostly without tears, or at least to many tears, say most days I can praise God you've made your home run and are no longer living, or existing, in intense suffering and pain, trying to be normal in an overly abnormal disease riddled life! Most Days......
So, I hear our friend Maddie made a championship goal and ran to Jesus, winning her place on Heaven's playing field, and earning her wings, alongside the rest of her Cancer team mates! I bet you were thrilled to see her!! remember when you were hooked up to all kinds of tubes and needles and paraphernalia in Hershey ICU 2 months after diagnosis, Dr. F. stopped by to check on you and ask us to befriend Maddie and her family?? do you remember how nervous and unqualified to be there for them I felt?? do you remember how I felt I had so little to give them as I was feeling like I was still floundering my way through the cancer chaos?? do you remember Maddie's daddy coming uncertainly to your bedside and with tears asking how we're doing all this?? and then Maddie's mama joins us and they ask how we can go on, and how we can wrap our heads around all this after being dealt such mind numbing news of your precious child?? and the whole time they're seeing you laying almost lifeless like, hooked up to breathing tubes and IVS and hands and legs strapped down and drainage bags and catheters and needles and monitors and beepings and it all looking huge and hopeless almost before they even start their journey of the exact diagnosis and path we were walking, and how in the end we didn't really have any answers except to hug and cry and assure that we'd be there for each other in any way we could! and then, remember how once you were unleashed from all that craziness and with it and mobile once again you were always so excited to go to craft time or bingo in the play room cause you wanted to see Maddie, but you'd never talk to her?? you'd just look at her and smile and giggle??!! I imagine Heaven exploded and is in full party mode, huh??!! I kept seeing you with that blinding gorgeous smile of yours and arms out, wide open, running to meet her shouting, Maddie, Maddie, Maddie just like you used to do every evening when daddy got home from work!! I'm sure you two are having an amazing time catching up! I can see you both running through heaven's flower fields, giggling and chasing those beautiful retired therapy pups, or maybe your decorating heavenly smiley face sugar cookies just like at Hershey! or maybe your THONNING on, doing an eternal line dance, standing in for your team mates still in the thick of this nasty cancer battle, after all, it's effortless there, you don't have to sit down after 46 hours and wait another year,
 no one ever tires!!
I can only imagine you cancer kiddos, fourth of July freedom, independence, weekend looks a lot different then ours!!! am sure the fireworks and celebrations never stop!! celebrating the freedom of cancer and pain and feeling like a freak!! the freedom of IV poles, needles, chemo, radiation, meds, meds, and more meds, reactions, vomiting, amputations, wheelchairs, gurneys, crutches, infusions, scans, transplants, spinals, bloating, infections, rejections, and baldness...........and wow the picnic grounds and party foods are surely out of this world!!!! you cancer kiddos sure know how to party and make everyone around you want to! you all were amazing like that, even when you were miserable and pain filled, you cancer kiddos bravely and with huge faith and determination grabbed every moment and lived it to the full! ya'll have taught us so much, how to live life, live the moment,, keep moving forward and fight with every particle of your being and how in the midst of it all, live in faith and by faith!!
Devin, honey, you and your team mates are champions, the true winners in this game of life!!! you are the brave and free, the true heroes in this battle of the cancer beast and life!! Devin, not one of you or your team mates, have lost your battle with Kids Cancer!!!!! NOT YOU, or MADDIE, or BRANDON, KAYLEIGH, CHELSEA, COLLIN, GRANT, ISAAC, BRANDT, JEN, MICHAELA or any of your other heavenly team mates!!!!!!!!!!!! Cancer didn't win, and we left behind, for sure didn't lose you!! you all are champions, and have won this crazy dance of tubes, tests, needles and poison, fair and square! Game over,! God said, kiddos, ya'll have done your season, you took it to championship, it's now your time to celebrate your victory, earn your well deserved trophy, your golden wings!!
yesterday afternoon, after I found out about dear Maddie, I had a rough evening! I haven't cried so hard in a long time! I kept thinking about the intense pain Maddie's family is dealing with, the bittersweet emotions of being eternally thankful she's pain free and celebrating yet at the same time the anger and loneliness of still wanting you kiddos here. I was angry cause it feels like another brave, faith filled impactful soul had to go to young. Devin, you felt so close last, in all the feelings and memories and emotions that came rushing back at the news of Maddie's home going. the last year I've taken up Bible journaling, it's like a language between me and God, me and Heaven. this morning I needed to journal in my Bible, I'm a visual soul, that's how I understand and get stuff best and Bible journaling has been a huge healing and comfort time for me!!
Honey, we wouldn't wish any of you kiddos back to this Cancer hell, but the intense love and care we have for you makes it so incredibly painful and terrorizing to let go. we miss you all with every fiber of our being, with every tear that shows up announced out of nowhere, with every shaky, unsteady, breath, with every faltering, unsure footstep forward.......but deep, deep down in the recesses of our crumbled, bleeding hearts, we're ecstatic for you!! we're celebrating with you and holding tightly to the thought of that moment when we get to hear you run towards us across that heavenly playing field, arms out, shouting a welcome!! when something or someone is lost, that means it, they, can't be found, no one knows where it is! We did NOT lose you to cancer, Wednesday Maddie was NOT lost!!! we know where you are, where she flew to, you are right where you belong,  you and your team mates kiddo, gone ahead to your goal, to start the celebration, ya'll are champions, and we get to be your parents, to proudly announce to the world we're the mamas and daddies to the bestest, bravest, soldiers and champions out there, we get to have the gift of your love and calling you ours, that's a trophy no one can top, that's a title no one can steal or forge, and I thank God every day for that precious, priceless gift, even when it feels at times we only got to enjoy it for so few precious moments!! love you forever, little man, xoxo, Mommy

Terrorific Calm

It was the same horrific nightmare that had me tearing at my sheets in a sweat soaked panic, clawing at the dark night surrounding me, desperately trying to find an opening of fresh air to relieve my ache to breathe that had haunted me for more years than I cared to remember. It was the same panic, and terror every time, the heat of roaring, angry flames so thick and high and wide there was no possibility of any humanly attainable escape route, and when it wasn't the maddening flames grabbing at me it was the intense suffocation of blinding darkness and choking smoke, lassoing my body pressing in and shoving down leaving me to battle my sheets as a drowning victim would beat the waves, but in the end

i always desperately broke free of its smoky fingered clutches at the last imaginable second and gulped in mouthfuls of pure clean smokeless air surrounding My bed, slowly coming fully awake and focusing on the realization that once again it wasn't actually happening, it was just another night terror, and as always it left me in shaken tears and fear of closing my eyes for much needed rest lest the monster jump me again. I had battled this night terror for several years already, not every night, or even every week but far oftener than is healthy for any ones weary bones, and there was never any warning or known trigger point at least that I had figured out. I used to read everything I could and was allowed to get my hands on, and the nightmare began after I read a series of house fire horror stories featured in the Readers Digest, true, from what I remember all turned out without any human loss but still it was mind riveting! Every time after an “episode” as I lay trying to calm my mind and will myself back to sleep, I would pray like crazy and try and think of anything to steer my mind from going back to the suffocation and desperation of the nightmare of not only trying to keep myself alive in the horror but to frantically rescue each of my family.  and trust m, counting sheep really doesn't work, at all, especially, when in your traumatized minds eye each one turns into a flaming, bleating, ball of woolen nastiness!! Then one night, the horror returned for another visit, but this time it was met head on with a force that didn't even begin to match it's strength and as I woke breathless and shaking I sensed a calm that wasn't present before and as I opened my eyes I looked immediately to the left of my bed and saw a firefighter standing there, clothed in his black and yellow company attire, I couldn't see his face cause his head was tilted and the shadow from his helmet shielded the rest of it, he didn't utter a word but there was slight glow around him and there was peace, intense peace. I remember thinking, am I awake or is this still my nightmare? But just as quickly I also realized my eyes were for real open, so I slowly closed them and then opened them up but my fireman was gone, my room however was filled with peace and calm and I fell back to sleep and experienced a rest I hadn't had in a long time! My Angel Fireman took something from me that night when he came to visit, he took the nightmare, since that visit it has never been back, but, more importantly he left me something, something priceless, he left me peace, peace and an assurance that I have a higher power fighting for me and I always have the assurance that my God is looking out for and caring for every detail of my life , I only need to lay back and rest in Him, I need not fear anything, He is in control of every thing that ever concerns me no matter how itty bitty or humongo or how out of proportion we let our imagination and paranoia run, He's always right there taking, healing, exchanging it for peace and calm. then one night 6 years ago, that long ago night terror became reality!!! It was 5ish in the evening, Glen and I were getting ready to go away later, I was babysitting one of my besties, Miriam's kiddos and two were outside playing in the snow the other 2 were inside playing a game all was peaceful and calm we thought, but then, about the same time Glen and I saw a flaming piece of something float down past our bathroom window we heard the kids come screaming into the house shouting fire!! it was the coldest iciest night of the year that January evening, but hubby threw on a coat over his shirtless form and yelled to call 911 while he made a feeble attempt to try and stop the flame with a garden hose. I remember the adrenaline kicking in as I dialed for help, and telling the kids to get out and go stand by the camper! I also remember an unexplainable peace and calm as I talked  to emergency personal, and then annoyance as they kept asking me if everyone got out, I kept saying yes we are all out and safe, and then for like the 4th time, ma'am what about pets, are your pets all safe and accounted for?? seriously?? I just told you how many times my kids are out and my hubby and I are safe!! oh yeah that's right some peoples pets are their kids, now I remember, but yes, there was calmness, and as I hung up with them, I thought ok grab Devin's pics and oh yeah you should back out the car quickly, so I did all that and hubby comes around the corner of the house with a look of defeat and resignation on his face and said I can't reach it with the garden hose, we're gonna lose the house!! I said honey, I'm backing out the car, get the truck!! He was like jolted back to earth and said, oh yea, good idea!! I put the kids in the car and let it run keeping them warm cause when I told them to go out and stand by the camper they obeyed no questions asked, rare moment I know, they ran out without any coats one or so without any socks. I sat in the car a little staring at our home in unbelief as smoke and flames rose higher, then I was pulled outta my shock by the pandemonium around me of panicking crying kiddos. I got them quiet and said kids it'll be ok, shall we pray together?? they agreed, and I did and the car became silent and calm. I got out of the car and thought well, I have my camera, I guess I might as well take some pics while I wait, then I thought but I should make a few calls first, that's when I briefly fell apart, I was fine until I phoned my bestie, Roseanna, my dad, (something reassuring and safe about hearing my dad's voice in the middle of terror even at 34 that the tears just flowed)  and Glen's brother Gene, I remember crying as I told Gene, our house is burning down and your brother's gonna need you! Glen could always talk to his mom about anything, and he was closest to his brother Gene, and watching him pace in front of his burning home and periodically stop and stare was tearing me up!  by then the emergency stuff was arriving, or trying to, the lane was too steep and icy! neighbors started coming out of the woodwork, literally, through the woods, neighbors I'd never even met before coming up and offering support and hugs, dear neighbor Becky from the farm up the road, also great aunt to Miriam's kids took the kids to her house for warmth and distraction. my dad and mom, arrived after having a "firm, no non sense" discussion with traffic director that he will be going thru cause it was his daughter's house in flames! Dear Andrea and Devon brought coffee and hugs. I was called into the one firetruck to discuss red cross help and cross examined to be sure we were all emotionally ok, at one point they asked me if there was anything we'd like gotten out of the house, the only thing I could think of was my glasses on my bathroom sink and Devin's portrait on the living room wall. later a firefighter brought me my glasses that he found under a pile of sooty debris of water and smoke logged insulation and drywall and charred upstairs remains, they were dirty but otherwise perfect!! Andrea rescued Devin's portrait and took it home for a bit of loving restoration, only a faint, have to search pretty hard for watermark is remaining on it as of today!! it was hours before hubby and I got to even talk to each other, we were pulled this way and that, I'd catch a glimpse of him here and there amidst the firemen, neighbors, organized for the most part hurried pandemonium. family and friends arrived and then finally the fire was out and we started rescuing what we could from the house, the most important essentials in computers, files etc, the rest would wait till morning. I remember barely keeping myself together the first time I walked through our house afterwards, the eerie cold dark grotesque silence, silence except for the occasional drip of water running off of something, silence except for the random creak or groan of charred, water soaked lumber. walking through was horrific, stuff just hanging and heaped and matted and ugly, I wanted to run far away and come back after it was all cleaned up and over. in spite of all the ugly and brief meltdowns there was underlying calm the entire time and there was no night terrors from the kids and the old ones never came back for me and I know that it's truly a God thing, especially after I saw the upstairs and my kids bedroom, the way the door was shut and charred and blocked by flames and smoke, if that would have happened in the middle of the night, the smoke alarms never went off cause it was all up in the attic at first and till it reached that point it was to late, the only way out for the kids would have been the front window over the porch, can you imagine getting a panicked 11 and 7 year old to follow frantic instructions from the ground outside their window??!! I don't believe for a minute that the calmness and lack of night terrors are a coincidence, I believe that same angel fireman that was in my room all those years ago was with us that night and since then! a day or so after the fire looking through my pics I saw our angel once again in the smoke, and it's a picture I fell in love with in spite of the trauma and ugliness, because to me it's God saying, Girl, I've got you, even in the middle of charred, and ugly, ashes and hard, I'm here, I'm watching, I'm protecting, guiding and loving!

 
       even after I grew up, left home, and married, that night terror never returned. once I had kids tho, other fears surfaced rather often. one where I was driving and the kids were safely strapped in their car seats, but then, just as we were going over a railroad track my car dies and I cannot get it going and I look up and a train is bearing down on us and im now desperately trying to race tine and speed and unbuckle and grab my kiddoes out...... aaaannnnddd.............. then I'd wake up!!! not sure what brought on this particular fear except that because of where we lived we often had to cross a railroad track and it was something I'd think about every time we'd go across, what if!!??

another night terror I had with my kids was the fear of them being attacked by a rabid wild animal, I mean we lived in the woods after all, and when we were dating and at a family get together we actually witnessed one of my husbands nephews being attacked by a rabid fox. one minute he was nicely playing the next he had a fox attached to his face!! that kind of sight doesn't go away quickly! another fear that was hugely real to me was the thought of something happening to my hubby while driving or at work and him dying and me being left alone. that fear was huge!! to the point of being a bear to him if he walked in the door 20 minutes late!! then he actually had an accident!! On a bike no less!!! and I was with him!!!! and there was nothing I could have done about it!! but it did make me realize I need to grab every moment as if it was our last, not in paranoia but in gratefulness cause we're not promised another day, neither one of us!!

but, one thing I never feared was cancer!! and it still doesn't worry me much, even after being engulfed in the disease. they usually say what you worry and fret about usually never happens, and isn't it crazy of all the things I've worried and fretted over in life Cancer was never one them, and when it hit we were totally blindsided, I mean really, what are the chances?? seriously?? it was all always out there somewhere, never right here, surely not this close home!!    

       Someone once told me I feel to much, that I enter everything with my heart wide open and then I feel it all so personally, so real, and that I shouldn't be like that. I didn't like their definition of myself cause I didn't agree with it and because I don't like fake people and because I've tried the fake persona and it's exhausting and extremely unsatisfying. However I have since come to the realization that there is some truth to this statement also. and this understanding hasn't hatched over night and there's still a lot im learning. I've learnt for my own mental stability and spiritual strength and faith in God, and for the health and nurturing of my family to be who God has called me to be I cannot let myself get wrapped up in Readers Digest, social media, news, and politics. Am I saying I feel these things are wrong? No, but for me and because I know how my mind works, I need to use extreme caution cause, It takes up way to much of my time and energy I need for my family, leaves me with no time for God, and constantly questioning my faith and trust in Him, and more often than not leaves me feeling, judgmental, critical, confrontational, unsettled, fearful, angry, hateful, competitive, shallow and empty, just to name a few! :) and the media loves to hype up stuff and play on people's nerves and emotions and more often than not it's not with faith in humanity and positive upbuilding stories and headlines! So, yea, when I think of this then I guess I'd have to agree with that statement somewhat, however, I don't feel the answer is closing ones heart and not feeling, it's finding and discerning which avenues one is safe going down, it's entering each one with caution and a steady conversation with the Father as a guide, it's removing the hazards, and steering clear of the potholes. I recently read a church sign that I can't get out of my head! (I love reading church signs, they're highly entertaining at times and rather insightful at others!)anyway, this particular sign said something like this, "living in fear, leaves you no different than the Atheist!" when I read that I was immediately defensive and all like, are you serious?? that's pretty harsh and blunt!! however, the more I pondered and mulled over it the more I've come to realize there is a boatload of truth to that statement if we're honest enough to admit it! think about it, if we're constantly living in fear of disease, the future, our kid's turning out, being safe, losing our spouse, etc., we're initially saying we don't believe God is in control. we're initially saying, we need to fret and worry cause we don't actually trust in our God enough to believe Him capable of protecting us, doing what is best for us, etc. we're saying, that we don't have the faith in His actually having the whole world in His hands. so like the Atheist, our belief of God is, we don't want to go so far as to say it's non existing, but, very limited?! this whole thought and concept was a blow between the eyes, cause while I'd like to think my faith is real and strong it was a smack between the eyes that in reality I can be fearful and fretful far to often and to often keep my God as a limited God, one that might quite not realize the realness of a situation or the intensity or the what ifs or.............has this realization and seeing the truth in it completely dissolved my issues of fretting and fearing?? No, not totally, it has caused me to stop as soon as I realize what's happening and say God, I need you to take this, I know fear is not from you! it's also made me love Him even more cause I know that He gets that we're so human and will fail him over and over and have struggles, and that's where His grace knows no end, and every time, He comes through for me and takes that fear!! it may be an every hour retaking some days, but He's always faithful! there's a quote I came across recently that I love, it goes like this, "God is never the source of confusion and fear, but, of strength and peace!! the beginning of the year I made this song my song of the year!! when I first heard it last fall, early winter I felt like it was sung at the right moment just for me and smiled and raised my hands then I cried, I know, typical me, boohooing, but it spoke straight to my heart, and hey, they were happy tears, I felt so loved, and it was such an intentional message straight from God's mouth to my ears!!  

Happy 15th Birthday Devin!!

if someone would ask me how my views in life have changed since experiencing death so up close and personal, my answer would probably be defined a bit like this.....
I've seen I need to live more in the moment, grab every memory and moment and view it as your last!!
I see Heaven is a little more reachable most days than we would imagine, and I see Heaven in people, places or things I would have missed before!
I see there are miracles waiting for our observation if we would just look up and search!
I see we leave way to much to coincidence and happenstance and give our Heavenly Father the short end of the blessing stick far to often!
I see God cares so immensely much about every single minute or ginormous detail of our lives we often miss touches of Him because we our saturated in ourselves and our own trying to fix and carry every hurt, issue and detail!!
in October, on the 9th Anniversary of Devin's death, my dear friend Andrea, one who has stared death in the face more often then her young life is worthy, gave me a gorgeous orchid with beautiful, dainty, delicate white blooms. it was so comforting to look at, it spoke life, yet also the fragileness of it! it bloomed for several weeks then the blossoms died and it just sat there, looking all naked and stemmy. but.....I kept adding ice chips just in case......and then, this week, 4 more months after it arrived arrayed in all it's delicate glory it has gifted me with, 2 huge greenish yellow with purple accents blooms, and right in time for Devin's 15th birthday!!! the blooms are 3 times the size of the original blossoms and clothed in a whole knew outfit color!!! that!! my friends, is not a coincidence, that is a miracle, a gift, a Father God whispering, I'm still right here, I still see the empty chair at your table, the missing kiddo in your Christmas and vacation pics, I still hurt with you, I'm still loving you, carrying you!!
seeing the current blossoms being so different from original blooms made me think of our fragile earthly bodies and humanness and how after all the sickness and pain Devin put up with, he is now in a brand new body, clothed in amazingly gorgeous heavenly garb, and I know He is in his glory, literally!!!!

Who Is Jesus To Me,You?

Who is Jesus to me??!! this is the question of the week. this is the Sunday school lesson this week, this is the question the teacher threw out and said to come prepared to answer. I wondered, briefly, if she's ready for the waterworks she could be turning on by asking this, as there are a few of us who seem to open the floodgates along with our mouths at times, and there's also me, the one that not only weeps, but the jumbled mess of words coming out of my mouth are never mirrored to that which is articulately running through my head, but anyway, I do think it's a great discussion involving question, and so........this is the thought that has taken up residence in my head, the thought that I keep mulling over, chewing on, the thought that randomly brings a lump to my throat and a mist to my eyes as I go over in my head who this Man is to me, and how I would explain why I come up with the answer to this thought stealing question that I do!! it's also a question that makes me want to shut down faster than I can blink, a thought that if I allow myself to be real and vulnerable and transparent sends fear careening through me at the awareness of likely criticism and judgment and serious eye rolling.  But if I were to throw out there what my chosen word/words for this year are it would be, courage, bravery, fearless etc. so.....here goes.......
If I was to describe in one word what Jesus has come to mean to me, it would be CONSTANT!! the world around us changes so fast at times I feel like I'm beside the tracks of a speeding train trying desperately to at least peer in if not actually catch up, and it's annoyingly frustrating to the point of making me rather angry at times, but then I have never been great with change of any kind. but....here is where, when I think of Jesus, it's so comforting to know that know matter the changes in life, He is Constant, always there, never changing!!
when I think of the last 20 years of my life in regards to what Jesus means to me, here is where the description of Him as CONSTANT, has really rooted itself. because in spite of the tangled maze of exhaustion and confusion and drama our life has been, Jesus has been there, in the quiet, in the harried, in the laughter, the tears, He has NEVER checked out on me, on us, and He NEVER will!! HE HAS BEEN CONSTANT!! have I always appreciated as I should have or held Him as closely as I should have?? sadly, no!! but, that has never made a difference to Him, He still stayed right by me, waiting, until I came to my senses and checked in with Him again. He never looked my way and said, you know what, girl? your pathetic, and I don't have time to sit around here waiting for you to get your head outta your own self pity and issues to realize I'm here for you!! He never checked out on me and, and said, I'm here for the hard and messy, but you just ain't getting it, so I'm moving on!! nope, instead, He gently reminds me over and over He's in it for the long haul. he has never promised me that to live for Him would be without struggles, but He has reminded me over and over that because life isn't a piece of cake He'll be my constant rock, hiding place, pilot and burden bearer, He's always going to be there to give guidance and grace and wisdom and strength and faith, even through the dark, lonely, hard, ugly and messy.  here is also where the fear of eye rolling and such, surfaces strongly, and the urge to shut down and quietly hibernate threatens to take over. But, this year I'm embracing courage and bravery, so this is where I'm gonna stand tall, firmly stomp a foot, give a dainty huff and fearlessly march on!! sooo.... here goes....this is me, marching on!!!
this year will be 20 years of marriage for us! never in all my wildest dreams would I have imagined going through stuff and dealing with life as we've been called to!! never would I have ever thought today I would be married to a totally different man than I married that gorgeous October day in 1996!! when we decided to build our first house, I remember vividly a few random conversations with various individuals that expressed slight horror and concern for our marriage if we enter into the construction adventure together. they were all like, are you sure your marriage is going to survive this kind of undertaking cause we've heard that it's one of the hardest battles to fight on together, you cant agree on styles, colors, etc  and soon you have a new house your living in with someone you don't even know anymore!! Really? seriously?? well......we are now in our 3rd house and still married, and we're still together!! however, I would build a house every couple years if I could choose between walking through that adventure or grieving the loss of a child!! now there's an adventure that will tear you to pieces, chew you up, spit you out and leave you to feebly trying to scrape together the fragments and numbly trying to mend it all!! people look at grieving souls and think, ok, it's done, it's over, they're gone, it's been an X amount of years, move on already!! NO!! it doesn't work like that in the least!! you see, there's not just the saying goodby , laying to rest, and now back to life that's involved with this kind of battle, not at all, there's a whole casket load of issues and scenarios and struggles that you get handed along with the mourning garb that those not walking it has a clue of, and the victim is never prepared for!! as you are trying to heal and grieve there's kids still to be cared for and shaped and molded into responsible upstanding humans, there is no checking out while you get life figured out, there's days upon days where you want to hibernate and cry or sleep or pretend your someone else but guess what, there's still food to make for hungry bellies, there's still laundry needing washing and a new house that needs kept after and cleaned at least half heartedly or it'll soon be not so new!! there's still emotions and moods of not only yourself, but those in your care to nurture!! and in the middle of all this you have those that you always thought would be around for you, that grow tired of walking the teary journey with you cause they feel helpless, and so they just check out and your support system is rattled, and you have others that try desperately to fix you and make the situation go away and suddenly realize that's impossible and so in the end they to check out, and still there's others that say to your person, I just can't see how you face this house and this room and the memories every day and keep going, it's to hard and to painful to even come visit and because it hurts to much and it requires emotion and feeling they check out with the rest. I remember feeling so hurt and angry at the unfairness of that, and how there were days I longed to so easily just run from the pain and memories and emotions rising up to suffocate, but knowing very well that wasn't an option!! and so you feel like your left to go it alone and the yes the memories do crowd in, and the smell and presence of the loved one lingers along with those memories and you realize unlike everyone else there is no running from any of it, it's part of who you are and your story and despite the hard, you have to own it to move on. and I don't say any of the examples above to fault anyone, God knows had I not walked this path, that, that very much would be me! and so through all this sometimes it feels like the kids are getting shoved to the back burner and left to their own raising as mom and dad are floundering through the day to day trying to desperately keep there heads above the drowning waves and figure out how to exactly go on from here!! every person deals with and processes grief differently and it's not something you go through and not change from, and not all of that is bad, and it's not something you ever have a planned mapped out for ahead of time, no one signs up for this kind of hard, but it is a huge battle to face and try to get through with your right mind still in tact!! and so you find yourselves as 2 lost souls living in the same world but being polar opposites on most every level, and so you blindly try and feel your way...... I need people, He needs solitude, I need to talk about it, and everything else, he shuts down, I cry, he becomes silent, I need hugged and held and reassured, he needs to work and continue working and be busy, I need to go and do and reach out and plug in and help and feel, he needs his home and it's few members and his woods and nature!! the fight to balance all this and compromise together and keep communicating and to respect each others needs and space and own methods of healing are huge and exhausting!!  and this is where you wake up one dismal morning and it hits you smack between your teary, bloodshot eyes that you are not only sleeping with, but married to, someone you no longer know and in some moments hardly recognize! and then the overwhelming question of where do we go from here?? how do we get us back?? how do relearn to know each other?? it's not like when you were dating and could step away for awhile and give each other space or reevaluate your compatibility and connections, your married!!! you said your I do's, you made a vow for life, your committed!! and, no, I didn't want to leave or have him leave, but it's a daunting, overwhelming mountain looking at you screaming how are we going to survive, how are we going to make this work? you make a choice everyday to fight for what you had and who you fell in love with and to get back a semblance of the couple you remembered took those vows and you work at it every single hour of every single day!!! but. it's. still. hard. and there's a lot of lunging ahead only to slide back down but you grab each others hands and pull each other forward and just exhausted or not keep on keeping on through the tears and misunderstandings and tears and silence and tears and miscommunication and tears.............
and so as I think back on life and the garbage we've waded through and how far we've come, the battle is constant to give in, give up.............but the one true Constant through everything....JESUS!!! even in the times of feeling like I couldn't quite reach Him, or like I was walking blindly I knew without a doubt He was always wherever I needed Him to be, He was always ready for me when I asked, He was the one unchanging, Constant!! while going through Devin's journey I ran across a thought that has stuck with me and comforted me so often.....
when it feels like your prayers are hitting the ceiling, it's ok, rest, because Jesus is right in the room with you!!! CONSTANT!! always there, never leaving, never changing!! and I know even though our journey is not finished and there maybe more rough roads ahead, I can bravely hold my head high and be assured that He will still even then be there, my Constant refuge!

Hands Of Love

every year when the Christmas season rolls around I find myself trying to wrap my mind and heart around the whole amazingly beautiful miraculous event and I come up short every time, even though there's more often than not something somewhere along the way in the story that grabs me in a new way. one thing that has always been an amazing thought to me was, those tiny baby hands!! maybe because I always loved to hold my babies hands when I snuggled, rocked or fed them. Miss Ava will still hold mamas hand when she sleeps, just this morning she came to my bed and sleepily said mama can I lay side you?? I said sure, crawl up here, and once she did, and was "tuckered in" as she calls it, she said, mama, I want you to hold my hand........anyway, I always loved the simple yet comforting song, He's got the whole world in His hands too!! and when I think of that and then those baby hands that Mary held, I don't know it always leaves me a bit awed. those tiny infant hands, grew to be a man, so capably hold each of us steady, never let us down, faithfully guiding, comforting, loving.......on this earth they were no different than any other, no extra ordinarily huge, or freakishly odd, and yet to know His strength and power and all they encompass, then to look at our own, so feeble, so fragile........ I came across a poem, ( yes, in my need to write, once in a while I can kinda wax poetic :) heehee) I wrote 12 years ago and thot I'd share, along with my all time favorite Christmas worship song, just for your listening pleasure! when I  hear it, I just want to stop anything I'm doing and raise hands, close eyes and weep, happy tears, in awe tears........it's just so beautiful!!
                                            
                Hands Of Love


Mary grasped the tiny hand
Of her infant Son,
And thought about the Angel's news
That He would be the one
Brought to this earth to die upon
A cruel wooden cross
To free the souls of sinful man,
To save them from their loss.
With tears flowing from her eyes,
Mary looked to the Heaven's above,
And thanked her Gracious Father
For those precious hands of love.


Joseph watched the hands of His boy,
Working with the wood,
And envisioned the scars one day they'd bare
For this old worlds good.
How He'd shed His blood upon the tree
To cover all man's sin,
That who so ever freely asked
Could truly be born again.
Tears filled the eyes of Jesus' dad
As he gazed at the Heavens above
He cried, thank you Precious Father
For these sacrificial hands of love.


Lord reach down you're hands of love
And make our hearts be still.
Lord, let our souls feel your hands
Working out your will.
For we want you and your love
To ever be our guide.
To tell others your love story
And the reason why you died.
To help the lost find their way,
To a mansion up above,
To extend to them your priceless gift,
Your nail scarred hands of love!
  


 ( my sister in law surprised me for my birthday one year and had my poem put into music too, that was so special.)

"Leaf" It To Him

 a few months ago while camping with friends one of my peeps remarked with unbridled enthusiasm about the pretty leaves drifting aimlessly from their perches and sailing nonchalantly passed rocks and minnows in a little mountain stream. I was all like, pppttttthhhhh, I hate it!! it's like another sign of death and dying and one minute it's here than it's just gone and it's gray and ugly nothingness left, with seemingly endless cold and shivering anxiety!! today, I would like to say, I see what she saw. my heart feels full! it's the first fall week in 9 years that I've been looking out my windows and feeling happy at the plethora of brilliant color and circus of leaves riding the breeze to the ground! (can't really say I'm anxious for winter, I'm just not a fan of cold, but.....) we need our seasons, if there wouldn't be seasons, we'd be always hung up at one boring miserable point in life, stifled, stiff, and stunted in our growth of beauty and maturity, our journey would never have an end goal, our story never complete. there are times in life where we like each of those brilliant little bits of fall foliage need to let go of whatever we're holding onto so desperately and go where our Father leads!! we need to relinquish hold of our hurts, our anxieties, our own agendas and rest in His will and way!! in the 9-10 years since Devin's diagnosis and death there have been an abundant of healing factors in my life. from the gift of encouraging friends, books, movies, and songs played at the right moment to Hugs sent straight from Heaven for me personally. each of these things have played a huge part in tiny pieces of my shattered world and bleeding heart to be somewhat righted in an amazing slowly recuperating kind of way! Last week another little section of the broken and messy healed a little bit more!! My dear friend Sarah and I attended the "Embracing Womanhood" conference, on "Courageous Living" in the gorgeous foothills of North Carolina. the drive was through many brilliantly fall colored mountains and landscapes, no matter how much fall was not my thing, I couldn't help but see God shining out around every turn, it was like He grabbed a giant paint brush and a never ending pallet of colors and went crazy!! (that's crazy, in a really good way, only God can do kinda way!! ) :) it was like, He was out to get my attention, as in, this girl is gonna love my seasons, she's not gonna see this coming, and it's gonna alter her broken messed up hurting heart!! and as usual, He knew exactly what He was doing, cause it totally did!! two of the speakers at this event were angel mamas to kids they had to say goodbye to due to cancer, we had a lovely chat the 3 of us, and shared, frustrations, encouragement, photos and memories of our kids, tears and hugs! there's just nothing like connecting with those that have seen and walked some of the same hellish moments you have walked with your own cancer fighting child, it's a walk that unless you've been........not that I don't have amazing friends that want to feel with me and are still here for me even though they've never walked it....... I met a few others too that through course of conversation we learned about one another and they said, please, do you have any pictures of Him you can share?? OH MY HEART!!! this!! is so healing to an angel mamas heart, to be given the permission to not only talk about but to share a tiny bit of His life with those that want to see, to be allowed the privilege of remembering him, to not feel guilty at keeping a bit of him alive, to not feel guilty that, no, I've not closed that chapter and ended that book, and frankly, well, that story won't ever end, cause that dear sonshine of ours is as much a part of who I am as the rest of my kiddos,  but, to be given the gift of sharing him was priceless!!  the thought that we all have a story was brought up different times through out the event by different speakers, it's a thought I've been thinking on for awhile already, but, most people's we won't ever read. mainly because we're to fearful and untrusting a lot of the time to be vulnerable and transparent enough to go there with anyone, or because we become to self absorbed to really hear what the other person is desperately trying to tell us!! to hear these women that spoke, narrate through brokenness and tears, blurbs of their stories, to see them be so transparent and vulnerable, sharing pieces of horrific life and earthshattering hard stuff, and hellish moments, was intensely healing, in that confirmation that I'm not alone in my feelings and struggles, and that our Father is faithful every time at seeing His children through!!!  that even when we feel there are moments of intense aloneness and floundering and doubts, our Father is always there!! and.....He's so very ok with broken and messy and the good, the bad, and ugly!! another healing thought was, we so often are our own worst critics, a lot of times we hold ourselves to an even much higher standard than our Father does, so when we fail, which we humans do so often, we wallow, and berate, and punish, condemn and beat ourselves, and our Father says, NO!!  release it, to me you are perfect, in all your brokenness, and stumbling, and messy, release it all, press into me your Father, I want you to see you as I do, I want you to love you as I love you, for who I created and designed you to be, let go and just be in ME!! we discredit God and His amazing love so often, and give the devil way more than he deserves! we make our Father and His love so complicated and unattainable!! He says, come, we say.....but......He says, NO! just come and be, be the beautiful you I love, in Me!! press into Me!! release your messy, your brokenness, your tests, your story and rest in Me and my love for you!!
we all would love to put on a gorgeous smile every morning, and wrap ourselves up in the amazing thought that we have it all together, and we want to go out and about in all our venues of life under the disguise that we have a perfect life.......ha!! we're so pitifully delusional!! we need to learn to be transparent, in spite of judgments and others criticism, we need to be like those gorgeous bits of fall foliage and surrender our hold and lay back and rest in Him. another profound thought that was shared was...... when we press into the Father, when we own our stories and in turn release them to our Father, He will take our messes and give us messages, our brokenness and create beauty, turn our tests into testimonies!!! we never know when we own our stories, how God will use us, because of Him in us who we can speak life and encouragement to! I came away from that time feeling like I had found a sort of freedom, yet cried a boatload of tears, that I had released an insurmountable load of burdens, that I had surrendered my story, and yet the devil knows when we are vulnerable and I found the following week I had to release yet again, over and over, and I found myself walking through a carpet of sparkling surrendered fallen leaves conversing with my Father every day, pressing into Him, daily searching for the same beautiful me that He sees and loves! again He was there faithfully every step!! I don't know where He's going with my story, I do know that it seems cancer is a focal point, seems every where I go I'm confronted by it. does it scare me? No. does it make me angry? yes!! far more than I realized.........have I travelled that path for a reason?? most definitely!! maybe to be more aware and empathize with those going down that road??!! I don't know really.......but...... we carpooled with 2 dear sweet young ladies I never met before, and leaving the event the second night and heading back to our hotel I learned the one ladies 12 year old brother was recently diagnosed with lymphoma! I learnt they are using the same hospital, and some of the same docs. I don't know if I will ever be called to be more than a prayer warrior for this young man and his family but I know without a doubt that our Father put that young lady and I in the same vehicle that weekend for a reason, even if it's just for one short paragraph in her life's story of being able to tell someone the heart wrenching news about her brother, that has walked that path!!

the worship time at this event was straight from heaven beautiful and soul touching!!  one of the main songs, the theme song, is one that I've liked since the first time I heard it, but this time I fell in love with it!! I keep it on repeat in my head and it's so comforting!! if I can get it to cooperate ill share it with you!! be blessed people, be the you God designed you to be, release your story, press into Him................surrender and rest......He's Got This!!          

Holding Tight And Letting Go

How does a mama hold her kids tightly, yet loosely enough they grow their own wings and learn how to fly solo?? How does a mama keep her kids tucked snuggly under her wing of protection, yet, encourage them to broaden their horizons?? How does a mama shield her kids from hurts, yet, teach them that life is hard, and to march forward with courage and bravery?? How does a mama teach her kids that in spite of our best laid plans and ambitions, God may have better plans in mind for us, and to surrender and follow Him, one dedicated step at a time and to keep moving even when the travels become a bit blurred?? How does a mama teach her kids to tightly grab hold of each and every loved one and cherished moment in life, yet, keep your hands and hearts wide open to prevent smothering, or crippling??
Yesterday was October 13, 2015..........I had to willingly choose to smile and praise God for the gift of a new day!!(not nearly every second did I conquer this battle) The day started out in rain, and I wanted desperately to wallow and embrace pity and pain and allow myself to be convinced that God was letting the heaven's cry on this memorable, horrifically sad day, therefore giving me the license to be entirely miserable the whole day, just because I felt I indeed earned every bit of it!! But.....after a serious 5 minute early morning meltdown, I had no more tears, and I thought, wow, glad that's outta the way, now maybe the day won't feel so long, cause it's truly, honestly one of those days ya just want to fast forward thru and move on. there just isn't any right way to deal with this day, I mean to be totally ok and just be all sunshiny seems like your saying, you don't remember and have walked away from that event, yet to be all gloom and sad seems so pointless to, to not mention anything of it at all seems like denial and a constant dodging of the mammoth in the room and just ends the day in frustration...............and so to just sleep thru it and hurriedly get to the day after, if only that were possible sounds rather relieving and delightful, but......Life.....we gotta breath Jesus, and bravely soldier on...............how does a mama hold tight and let go??!! we do all we can for the child fighting for his life, we meet every scheduled doctor appointment (and every unexpected unscheduled one) with bravery and determination, with a smile and a cloak of confidence betraying the bone rattling tremors taking place inside, we hold small hands thru pokes, prods and procedures, thru night terrors, and night sweats. we hold iv lines, port needles and pee bottles. we smile and joke thru unexpected vomit messes, yet another poopy pair of briefs, and clumps of brown little boy hair in your food. we don't go outta their sight in order to keep the smile on their precious faces and their world feeling a little more dependable and secure. we curl up alongside on creaky hospital gurneys, amidst tubes and bandages, monitors and pads, holding close, singing, soothing, calming, reassuring, praying. we celebrate every moment no matter how ginormous, or miniscule. we make meals at 1Am then hold and soothe when they can't eat after all. we shield, we cry in private, we cheer, we fight alongside...................and then............you hold, for hours, make every feeble attempt to ensure their frailness is a comfortable as can be, turn up the pain meds, give more air, insert catheter, tuck them in, hold their hands rub their feet, sing, pray, tell them over and over and over and over, how much you love them, and will always, and that you are so proud of them and that he'll always, always be your son, FOREVER!! and, as the breathing gets more labored, the rattle more intense, the eyes open less, the hands squeeze almost not at all............through foggy eyes and throat boulders, trembling lips and a bleeding heart you pull them as close as you physically can and you whisper in precious little boy ears, it's ok, run to Jesus, we'll be fine, we'll always love you, you can let the angels carry you to Jesus then you'll feel better, it's ok.........really.......then it was over, and suddenly mama knew just a itty bitty bit of how it felt to hold ever so tightly, and yet let go.
My niece Kate, was 11 when Devin ran to Jesus!! yesterday, I went and helped her and her mama with stuff for her wedding. Life really does just keep right on moving!! I couldn't help but think of the different life seasons and events and how in so many of them mamas find out a tiny taste of holding tightly and letting go. my sister was saying how she was having mixed feeling, a little teary at times at seeing Kate and her fiancé moving stuff outta her childhood home into their own, the reality of cutting ties, leaving mama, on one hand your ecstatic for them and celebrating with them but on the other your mama heart wants to pop into rescue mode and reach out and tuck them lil ones right back under your wing and keep them there forever!! but...adjustments will come, life will indeed keep moving!!
2 months ago, after driving solo for only approximately 5 months I got the dreaded call every mama never wants to get!! AND I WAS LIKE 90 MINUTES FROM HOME!! Brandon had called me not long before that and told me he took his jeep and trailer to Chambersburg to pick up his four wheeler, after chatting a bit I told him I loved him and to be careful.....20 minutes later my cell rang, and I hear, mom, I don't know if dad and I will join you this weekend, I just wrecked my jeep!!!!! HELPLESS MAMA MOMENT!! mama moment, take a deep breath and get the particulars and let go.....it's in God's hands......ummmm ok....sooooo what happened?? I don't know really, I suddenly saw a pole, and swerved to miss and well, the trailer caught the pole and the whole rig rolled and was on its roof, but, it's all sitting back up on it'd wheels somehow.....are you hurt?? did you have a belt on?? ummm, I'm fine I think, my arms scraped up and my leg hurts a little, but I'm okay, no, I wasn't wearing my belt, and I wasn't on my phone, THANKYOU JESUS!! and there was no one else involved, again, THANKYOU JESUS!! the whole rigs across the road, but, I gotta go mom, dads trying to reach me, he said he'd come right away......................I was a bit teary but amazingly enough, felt a calm, outta my control..........thinking about it after I got off the phone, I thanked God for guardian angels, and for giving me the gift of holding onto my oldest awhile longer. Him and his daddy still met me at our friends place for the weekend, and I got to hug him, (he still hugs his mama regularly, and is ok with that :) I'm not gonna complain) and I said, Brandon, aren't you glad your angels took you seriously?? he looked at me a bit blankly then, smiled really big as the lightbulb flashed on, and said yeah I am!! you see, his spare tire cover had this printed on upside down....."if you can read this, flip me over" coincidence......nope, I'm goin for Miracle!! cause, the story could have turned out so horribly different, I'm ok with a scraped ear and bruised leg!
how does a mama hold ever so tightly and yet, let go?? I don't know if I have any once and done answers for this quandary........except, place them in God's hands, even though there may be days we'll do this every other minute, and rest easy knowing His faithfulness to us never ends, and His promises to always be with us are sure! to extend grace, cherish every moment, make many memories, live fully, love unconditionally............