Life.........Beautiful!!

Well it's been a long while since i blogged.....although if it counts, i've been blogging on paper and in my head and heart all along as i tried to keep up with all the business and changes in our life. to catch everyone up on what's been going on, although most of you who read this know me so this ain't exactly news.....we became parents again after 10 years to our own Little gift from Heaven, our little Ava Danielle on November 29th. okay.....sooooo i'm back again, this post was started before Christmas!! :) more important things....people....have been taking up my time, for that i will not apologize! back to the subject at hand...LIFE!!! for the last 6 weeks we have been basking in the wonder of new life and the amazingness of life that our newborn Ava has brought to us. she has been the cheeriest, happiest, most adorable little treasured ray of sunshine our home has seen in awhile!! we cant get done oohhhing and aahhhing over her and loving on her, pretty much at all times she can be found snuggling in someones arms, mostly her mamas unless daddys home then shes pretty much his main attraction and the feeling is mutual you can tell already at her very young age, she has claimed the pocket over his heart and one can clearly see she aint relocating anytime soon much to his delight and satisfaction!! along with the immense joy and wonder at having this bit of Heaven in our home has come other changes.....mamas nerves aren't always the strongest, sleeps at an all time low,tears are never to far away, anxiety at times is out of this world, and our schedule....oh yea, right, what schedule...is there such a thing??? :) seriously, if it means having our Ava, we'll deal with anything!! the other day i found myself holding my sweet baby girl and i couldn't help but squeeze her a bit tighter and not want to let her go even though the dirty undies were piling up and dust bunnies were threatening to dethrone me in my own little kingdom. the tears came on sudden like as i gazed into her cherubic face so like her big brothers....her angel brother....the one that she'll only know through us!! the tears flowed for what is, what was, and what never will be. crying for the precious life i now held, yet also for the life i once held for 5.5years and now is no more. i rejoiced in this miracle of new life yet wept for wishing our story was different, that our family knew completeness, that this baby girl could know the love and life of her big brother (who was the biggest baby fan of all my kids) but having to be okay with her knowing and loving him through us. a part of me wonders if somehow through Heaven's Ava does know Devin more than we can imagine, more than we can ever comprehend. i know with out a doubt babies are handpicked and Heaven sent straight from our Father. i feel so much like im truly holding a piece of heaven in my arms when i squeeze her close, like she is this priceless gift sent to us for this exact Christmas moment and celebration from our Father and her big brother Devin!! i can totally see our Father in all His glorious love for us winking at Devin and whispering come with me theres something i want your help with, theres a new masterpiece in the making and i want the best parts of you to be included. i know some would probably proclaim i'm like totally out there, a bit charasmatic, or nutso!! but hey i say as much as God longs for a relationship with us here on earth i think it's even more so in Heaven!!! i mean do we invite our best friends over to our house and then sit them in a corner and walk away??!! i think NOT!! anyway, i can imagine My Father and Devin laying with their hands behind their heads in a field of wildflowers planning this precious gift they want to surprise us with! i can see them giggling together over how shocked and delighted they know we'll be with this baby girl,and then conspiring together about exactly how she'll look, about how tiny yet perfect she'll be, how she'll have the smile of an angel right from the start,about how they would give her a beauty all her own yet with little touches and reminders of her real angel brother. they would talk together about forming this amazing new life with unforgettable life gone on. they'd bestow on her long, thick, dark eyelashes the nurses all exclaimed over and envied on Devin, and they'd pass along his sticky up hair that made him look adorably impish, along with the one eye that squinted just enough when laughing to make him sparkle, and as a perfect finishing touch, they'd crown her with same can't help but kiss them, heart shaped perfectly pink lips. as we constantly love up this little person who is so her own individual person with a small piece of heaven throwed in, i get a vivid picture of God our Father on one knee, His loving arm around Devin and they are gazing to earth and delighting in the love and happiness they have created together and sent to fill our home, they laugh and high five each other and pronounce that was the perfectest gift ever!! She's just what they needed from Heaven this Christmas to heal a little more perfectly!! when it caming to naming this adorable cherub, we had quite a time deciding and agreeing. but one day while researching names we both kinda liked and tossed around, i looked into the meanings. there was one that we both really liked and agreed on but couldn't decide if we should use it because a friend already had a daughter with that name. when i looked up the meaning of this name...AVA, i knew if hubby still liked it that this was what it was to be. there are various meanings but the first one that jumped out at me was....life, beautiful!! i felt after seeing that, that her name to was heaven sent....life to us because of circumstances we'd faced had become so valuable, so precious, so fleeting, and yes!! so beautiful. i thought of life, of how we'd loved and lost, of how so fast your enjoying life, the next your in a nightmare, and then i thought of my Uncle Dan,a man who had become very special to us over the last 6 or so years, a man who encouraged us and stood by us through some of our darkest days, a man who was at that moment fighting for his life with same dreaded disease that took our son,and i knew i wanted my daughters middle name to be in his honour!! another meaning for Ava was breath of life, and i felt like with the precious gift we looked forward to we were also given a very real fresh breath of life. none of us knows how much life we'll be given,i used to pray were given a life time with our kids, ive come to realize were always given a life time with them, just not everyones lifetimes the same length of time, some are over in what our human minds would say was to short but in reality it was just right, their own lifetime. over the weekend we laid to rest Glen's 93 year old grandma, she lived a long life, but she too expieranced alot of grief with life lost, her husband to a farm accident, her son to a vehicle accident, a grandson to an accident a great grandson to cancer, 2 daughter in laws....etc. when we experiance life like that we hold on tighter,it becomes even more extra precious, i thank God for this precious heaven sent gift, this ray of sunshine, this life.... beautiful, AVA DANIELLE!! however long her lifetime!!

it's gonna shine!!

unlike today...6 years ago was cold, gray, and pouring down rain. one could have concluded the skies were in sympathy with the pain and sadness being experianced on earth. when i think of that day, i feel kinda like im looking in fishbowl....i can see some stuff in my minds eye, but alot of it is magnified yet extremely blurred, not much can i say i remember with stark clearness. i remember the last look, and how as i gazed at my son one last time i thought again of how peaceful he looked, and how it made me so happy to see him looking so much like himself, like he was just sleeping and having sweet dreams cause of the typical Devin smile on his face. i remember standing under umbrellas and tents and gazing into that nasty muddy hole and feeling panicky and wanting someone to please get me outta there and away from reality, and then being thankful all over agin that we made the descision to not watch them lower him in and cover him up, my mother heart could not stand the thought of watching and hearing cold, slimy, chunks of mud covering my 5 years of warm, snuggly, love. the service ended and we walked away....part of me screaming silently to run back and drop to my knees and claw away the earth and hold him one more time.......the part that i do remember with amazing clearness that brings me so much hope and comfort is the part of the service when the packed church house was singing one of his favorite songs, Heaven's Gonna Shine.....it was like God opened up space between Heaven and the service and we were all one, like the angels were in our midst singing with us, rejoicing through the pain, that Devin was home free, pain free........there was a heavenly hushed reverance even though the building was ringing with song.....we had so many people mention to us later how there was smiles and tears wherever they looked but there was peace and it sounded Heavenly......this song was Devin's favorite long before he got sick and it always made me smile when he'd say as were driving along, mom, turn it up, and don't sing along i can't hear then :) i dont wonder why it was anymore....i know he had a connection to it we'll probably never quite get this side of Heaven....i found it on you tube but not by the same group....enjoy it and be blessed....i know on that dreary day 6 years ago, there was sonshine in the midst of our pain............. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9nWNYTGiQY

Tangled Clouds

i think when i get to heaven one of the first questions i want to ask God is why he made woman with their emotions all in a tangled heap like grannys yarn basket. it's fast heading toward fall here, i love fall, the brisk cool mornings the color bursting through the fields and trees, but along with the approach of fall come the anniversary of Devin's death. and no matter how much i feel at peace with what he went through and the outcome it still hits me between the eyes with a powerful bring you to your knees blow that leaves you feeling like where ever you go theres this little black cloud hovering above. this year i thought, to myself earlier, i don't think i'll mind it like before, it's been getting easier, he's still missed intensley but we've come along way, and with a new baby right around the corner and the excitement and anticipation of Her arrival, i think this year will be different, there will be new fresh life and hope. NOT TRUE!! my emotions over the past week or so have been all over the place, very high, very low, even keel, through the roof, you name it i've been there. one moment i'm thankful for the 5 wonderful years, the next i scream out why only that long. then i see a friend who's been where we've been, and her son fought and won, but the side affects have been torture, and with new issues arrising and treatment limited and more side affects involved and heading down an unknown road again filled with what ifs and whys i find myself on another emotional rollersoaster. one minute i'm thankful my son was spared this kind pain and not having to look at being a child mentally stable but totally unnormal, and the next moment knowing i'd give everything to walk through it with him if he were here. sometimes as frustrated as it has made me at times i think men got the better end of the emotional dealing with thing. it seems at least for my hubby, they quietly process and mull over it and pull themselves up and move on, some days i long for that, but then i think how having to deal with it over and over has kept me at Jesus feet, in that constant seeking for the peace and assurance that He is there helping, guiding, loving me through every black cloud, for when the days are sunniest it's easiest to go my own way. so though today started out "rainy" it's sunny once again, as peace chased away the storm!!

Labor Day!!

Labor Day.......today hubby spent the day burning a brush pile, cleaning up, assembling a yard attachment thingy for behind the lawnmower, and just in general puttering around the house and grounds in usual ever busy Glen style. i made a big breakfast for my people, boxed up my books from our bedroom to make room for baby stuff in between taking many breaks to catch my breath and try and disocver where all my oxygen went, then i took the kids to town to take advantage of Jo-Ann fabric sale on flannel, yes, dreaming of little girly recieving blankets, crib quilts, burb cloths etc. it hit me the other day that these things too are one more thing i'm just now realizing went up in smoke when we lost our house, so were starting over. while all this is going on my minds churning, wishing in one way it truly was "Labor Day" and we were meeting and cuddling this little miss, but on the other hand feeling a bit of panic at the thought and not feeling quite ready. then my mind wonders further to the Angel face that has been in my minds eye all day, hanging there on the edge, me acknowledging it yet not quite sure i'm willing to really go there and let myself remember.......because of fear, fear that i'll be sad and depressed the entire day, fear i'll feel guilty for being so incredibly happy at this point in life and soaking up the peace that has come after the healing.....then i got to really thinking on it and thought that is just dumb, that is like giving the devil a piece of me and keeping myself from basking in the graciousness of God, not given Him proper credit for seeing us through the pain, for counting His abundant blessings He's poured on us in spite of the storms..........yes!! Labor day 6 years ago we spent the day with Glen's family at Lake Tobias animal park and Devin was with us, we made wonderful memories, granted we had to resurrect our stroller from storage so he would have a ride whenever his weak achy legs couldn't go no more, but it was priceless to see him making faces at the camera goofing off with his uncles and feeding the animals, it was one of the last things we got to do together, one of the last times he spent with his cousins and grandma. So Labor Day has become another one of "those" dates you'll never forget. BUT......i got great memories, awesome pics, and we were given that day to enjoy him outta the hospital, away from iv drips, and beeps, and needles and meds and sterilness, that was a huge gift!! and this Labor Day we get to look back and see where we we've been, how far God has brought us, and looking forward we see what God has given us, a home, healthy kids, a job, and a brand new Miracle from Heaven on the way!! That is HUGE!!! It's another Labor Day, full of memories, full of blessing, full of God and family, it's an AWESOME day!!!

Devin with a pony in the petting area at Lake Tobias, he fell in love with it!!

Same day......another year

another year has rolled around, and it's August 23 once again...but it's okay. as each year comes and goes the dates trigger memories, some great, some horrific, some bittersweet......today it's 7 years since Devin was diagnosed with cancer. don't freak out, i'm not gonna go into detail, or rant, i did that last year :) but it is one of those days in my mind i doubt i'll ever forget. but the reality is, every year i can't help but remember the life altering change that came over our family, over me as a person and mama. but i must confess it's nice to be able to face the day without feeling like a truckload of depression is sitting on my chest suffocating me, or the urge to burrow into my covers and sleep the day away therefore fast forwarding it, although i must be honest and admit there was alot of bittersweet moments and a curiosity of wondering how the view would be from here had things been different. but most importantly i love looking back and saying wow!! 7 years!! and we made it!! there were many days i remember thinking, seriously?? i can't imagine getting to the one month mark than one year, and now.....7 years!! i think one of the biggest revelations to me, (and this is probably shedding some light on my weak faith) is realizing that INDEED my God was there all along, guiding me, wrapping me in His arms patiently by my side through every step of the dealing and healing process, through the hurt, confusion, anger, depression, the letting go of the blueprint i thought perfect for my life and letting Him re-draw the entire thing. i shouldn't be amazed, that is who He said He is, what He promised He would do, but somehow i still am, and it blesses me all over again to know that no matter what's ahead, He got it in His hands. theres another song i usedto sing to Devin, on our long sleepless hospital stays, i tried googling it but had no luck, but it goes something like this: it's really dark and cold tonight, and i'm tired and all alone, there seems no ray of hope in sight, oh, Lord, why did uou ever make night. chorus: i made the night so you would trust in me, i made the night so you would place your hand in mine, i made the night so in the early morning, you could see my sun/Son rise and shine! now as i place my trust in you, i can see the first rays of light, and i know that you are with me, oh Lord, i'm so glad you made night! on another note, my firstborn Brandon, turns 14 tomorrow!! thats another unforgettable date, the first birth, the joy of a miracle of life, so small and dependant placed in your arms.....that day thinking of him celebrating his 14th birthday seemed light years away....well here it is, and i thank God for this precious manchild, he has brought so much joy into our lives, and has handled life and it's unexpected bumps with grace.

IN LOVE WITH A MIRACLE

i know, i just posted last night, this is unusual to have another one back to back, but it is what it is :) those of you who are prego or recently have been know what i'm talking about when it comes to them frequent gotta go NOW bathroom treks when your trying to sleep, well this post is an indirect result of being awakened by a lil miss dancin' on my full bladder at 4:45am, at which time i huffed and puffed and heaved my bulk outta bed in the process causing daddy to wake u enough to check the time only to then witness him bouncin outta bed muttering something about alarm not goin off pickin' up amish crew, it's a good thing you woke up and woke me, i gotta leave in 15 and you hear the coffee maker go off? cause i didn't hear the coffee maker........so....till the trek was finished his mumblings began to register therefore leaving me wide awake in the aftermath of father/son hurricanes grabbin' coffee, lunches, thermos' gatorade and ice and bouncin out the door, off to another day of building/framing houses, or should i say creating a masterpiece outta boards that humans dwell in cause ot only is the current project a mini mansion, its seriously a complicated puzzle of pieces, roofs going this way and that, trusses of many sizes shapes and styles, and rooms and measurments and features that looking at the blueprint had me shaking my head in amazement that anyone could read this let alone figure it out, but i must say they got the right man for the job, not only does he love a challenge, but in the end it'll be done right and he'll grin that handsome grin of his thats left me weak in the knees and hyperventilating many times over, and say you wanna come see what we did? and i'll go and take a tour and be spellbound all over again that my perfectionist hubby got that amazing result from that puzzling rolled up piece of paper they call a blueprint! which makes the houghts running through my head this morning even more convincing in my mind that i am married to a miracle man, whose been given a gift from God to figure out and build these puzzles, and to it well with no physical limitations for the most part. i see him climbing around on those beams and rafters and shake my head, cause you see my picture, my view could be radically different if not for the grace of God and a miracle in our lives, more specifically in the life of my dear husband Glen.......this week it's 13 years since my sister and her family, a family friend, my single sister and us decided to spend a gorgeous sunday afternoon biking a canal trail an hour or so from home. as often goes the guys are full of energy and biking circles around us woman who are tending kids as we leisurly peddle alomg jsut glad to be breathing fresh air outside our own four walls. well my hubby loved exploring and climbing hills and all the other things a man can find to do on a bike, so while waiting on us woman and kids to catch up, he decided to leave the trail for a grass hill, a steep grass hill, much to his delight he made it up without pushing, but didn't forsee the ditch at the bottom that went right into the next bank, so when coming down the hill fastly he hit the ditch thus stopping his bike suddenly leaving his body to continue moving over the handlbars head/face first into the opposite bank. the results were??? NOT GOOD!! that afternoon we ended up in the trauna unit. backing up a bit, our friend caught up to me and warned me Glen wrecked his bike, thought he might need a few stitches in his face and a missing tooth or two,but that he was up and walking and heading towards the vehicles, but i should probably check on him, well i got to the scene, and found no hubby so walked on towards parking lot, i found him stumbling and weaving, i got beside him and he pretty much collapsed on me, so helped him lay down in the grass off to the side, thats when his fear and panic started to set in, he had his legs up and all by them selves they went down, and he began to lose control and feeling. this is where adreniline kicks in and your given a calmness and strenghth you know comes only from heaven, i stayed by his side holding his hhand reassuring him it was ok the ambulance was called he'd have help soon. finally loaded and on our way, and true paranoia sets in, he cant feel anything in his legs and he needs to move them and can't and whats happening?? thank God for emts and meds they soon had him calm, so we arrived at the hospital only to have him dissappear behind trauma unit doors and us put in a private family lounge, to wait FOREVER!! finally a doc. comes to get me saying he's about to get some more scans but he wants to see you so go reassure him your hear and talk for 5 minutes but then we gotta keep moving....so i did, although reassuring to me to see him awakei could stll see panic in his eyes and hear it in his voice, neither one of us had any news to give the other as far as updates so we let the docs once again take over. so back to waiting.....was so thankful for my sisters, they took care of our then not quite 1 year old son Brandon, guys went for food, and all wer just quietly there supporting, praying. finally the doc comes in again.....and the next words outta his mouth ill never forget....Mrs. Diem, i hate to tell you this, but you need to be prepared, most likely your husband will never walk again, at this point he's paralyzed from his waist down, he broke from here to here in his back which will require surgery and rods and screws and a graft from his hip......at that point my mind shut down, it wasn't until everyone had left and took the kids home and i finally got to see him in his icu room, looking at me with them big beautiful brown eyes of his full of regrets and pain and questions.i couldn't stay longwhich was fine at that point i couldn't bear it anyway, but as i sat down in that waiting room my mind went nuts, how was i gonna raise a child, and take care of a handicapped husband plus be the breadwinner. how was he gonna cope with being wheelchair bound for life and how fair was it that this is basically all our son would no of his daddy.....the prayer support and visitor support was amazing, we felt surounde by love and care the hospital was wonderful to. tuesday saw him going through surgery to repair his broken back, the wait seemed like forever, ill never forget the feeling of nausea when i walked in his room and seeing him with a stick with pinchers on the end, i said whats that for? his reply?? this is to help me be as indeendant as possible, they're teaching me how to put my socks on without bending over annd with this i can reach for stuff.......i needed air NOW!! i walked out and ran into his bro and wife, i wanted to lose it right there but i put a smile on my face {this was before i learnt its okay to be real to show emotion to ne you :} } and to their hows he doing? i said oh good they're teaching him how to care for himself. the next morning i was in for another shock when i arrived, this time it was good one, this was where i was hit between the eyes with how much God cares for us and about us, where i realized that prayer and support from our friends and loved ones are huge and dont go unnoticed or unheard!! that my God can and does perform miracles, sometimes more than we'll ever know cause often were not looking or believing! anyway i arrived the next morning determined as i got off that elevator that no matter how i found him i was gonna smile and show him we'll be okay we will make it, well i was stopped in my tracks at the sight of him walking, ok more like shuffling down the hall towards me with a nurse on either side. i couldn't help it, i beamed, i teared up, i gasped out a whats goin on, he gave me a painfilled half grin and grunted, they want to see if i can do physical therapy, i might be healing better than they were expecting....thankyou Father!!!! i tried not to be to hopeful but surely if he's shuffling now......so that afternoon finds him in a short but ehausting pt session where after putting him through the paces the nurses looked at him and sighned his papers saying get outta here your great you don't need us!!! MIRACLES!!! they do happen....TO US!! five days after his accident, after being told to expect a handicapped hubby, he WALKED outta that hospital, equipped with back brace and orders of no work for 6 mo. he had one follow up visit a week later where they removed his staples from surgery, and said he's doin well if he's comfortable without brace to use his judgment, and 3 months later he was back at work doing lite stuff. i'm married to a living, breathing, WALKING miracle!!!! so when i see him climbing around on roofs and bouncin outta bed, i sit back in awe at what God has done for us, i know our lives aint over, i dont know what all lies ahead of us, but up to this point our story could have been so different, the view from here could have drastically been altered, but God in his ever present goodness and grace reached down and touched and proclaimed miraculous healing, for which i will forever be greatful!!

We Need To Carry On

My heart hurts!! Way deep inside, like a smoldering fiery ache. seems my life has been and is surrounded by hurting, and troubled family and friends. those who are batteling demons of anxiety, and depressiom, those who are grieving loved ones passed on and loved ones living in sin, those who are facing serious sickness and financial drowning, those who've buried long awaited infants and those who cant concieve, those who've watched their kids fight hard and let them go, those who've watched their kids choose to walk an unsafe path, those who have broken relations in family and out............ i long to make everyones situation better, to cause the pain to dissappear, to hand them a prescription and say take this or follow this and your life will be great!! but i can't, its outta my control,it's not my place to heal people no matter how dear they are to me. but.....i can be there, i can listen, i can PRAY!!! i have a direct line to the greatest healer of all, but often i'm guilty of using that as a last resort, try everything else, suggest this, do that,and in a feeble last ditch effort, oh yea, now might be a good time to pray since all else appears to have failed. my God persues me daily longing for communication with me, for a sold out relationship with him, and i wonder at times how many miracles i miss cause i wasn't looking, cause i havent communicated with him daily. and i know He works miracles daily and longs for is to be a part of them. in this world we'll have trouble, but He has overcome the world!! no matter what i'm going through, what i'm facing, or how bad my heart is hurting i know He's ever faithful, ever by my side, and i know that when it comes to my hurting family and friends, i may feel helpless, i may not know how to fix their situation, but i can always be there, to listen, to encourage, but most importantly to Pray!! to talk to my Father and ask on their behalf for peace, healing, calmness, forgiveness, whatever, and my Father is always ready with open arms to welcome me and listen and communicate. i remember in the hospital with Devin over a particularly anxious time a friend told me she didn't know what to do but she was praying....i remember my response was a teary, thankyou, cause right now i can't, to which she hugged and me and said, that's okay thats what the rest of us are for.....i think thats huge in Gods eyes, to see His people carrying His hurting children in their desperate times, lifting them up to Him when their to weak to make it on their own. so even though my heart hurts for all my friends and family facing struggles and pain, i know i can't heal, but more importantly I CAN HELP....i can carry the hurting straight to my Father the greatest physcian of all, and theres no waiting line!!! He's always on call just waiting for us to lift up our loved ones to Him!! that's an awesome peaceful thought!!