Whispers From Heaven

First of all I know I apologized for writing on death a couple times and the last time I think I said something about promising to not always write on that particular subject etc. well...... I'm here to take that back, no, every post probably wont be on that but I write from my heart and about who I am and what shaped my life and sad to say death has been a huge part of my life, so as of this moment this is me done apologizing for writing often about it.....this is me, what you see is what you get!! that off my chest, I'll try in some small way to put out here what I've been mulling over lately. (one of my besties said to me the other day....you haven't blogged in awhile, and you really need to...) she knows me so well :) there has been many posts in my head, they just never appeared here. I love when a dear friend isn't afraid to put a voice to her thoughts and nudge!! so anyway I'm gonna make a feeble attempt to put all my jumbled mullings into posts, though not nessacarily in any kind of dated order, but I make no promises, I learnt my lesson! :) so anyway, the other week I decided this is crazy, a new baby on the way, which means a ton of pics to take and scrap, so I should be getting Devin's cancer journey books done and his Make-A–Wish pics finished too before this next big event, so I proceeded to dig out and organize all my stuff I had collected along with my journals etc. deciding that doing his MAW pics would be easier and much more of a happy family memory time. Well......the stuffs been sitting here for almost 2 weeks and I got a page and a half done. Somehow looking at those big brown eyes staring back at me through pics looking so alive and happy and seeing the energy pouring outta him as he wrapped his arms around his dad, rode roller coasters, fed birds and made stuffed animals with his siblings, took all inspiration and motivation outta the entire project, and this wasn't even looking at cancer journey pics with tubes, meds, pain filled eyes etc. the weird thing was I didnt really feel like crying, nor did I feel an intense burning sadness, just an intense bittersweet exhaustion, a feeling of these precious moments were a life time ago, and an ache of loss as to where is that person I was back then, what became of her and do I really know who I am now!!?? the exhaustion won, I walked away and went and curled up in my big snuggly king sized bed and shut out all memories and ponderings, right then it was to heavy! Even writing about these feelings and emotions makes me yawn and seriously consider burrowing under my covers away from the world, it feels weighty and a tad suffocating. Maybe its the processing of we no longer have him here living breathing, but adjusting to a new life living breathing arriving here that won't have known each other, almost as though truly closing a chapter to begin a brand new one?? and yet part of me has this feeling he already knows his little sister, and that he is just bouncin off those Heavenly walls with excitement at the love and joy he is sharing in this way with us. He was my one even more than his little sister that loved babies, he had a connection with them most kids don't. When he was 10 months into treatment my sister had a little boy, that little guy was his world, for 4 months he held him in his wheelchair through the hospital halls cuddled him wherever he could and when he was to weak to move from his hospital bed or even open his eyes the little guy laid beside him. I think him and God had discussions on this and they decided together on who this new little person would be, when she would arrive, and what she would look like. Kinda like planning a surprise party, to send a little bundle of sunshine and love to brighten our sometimes very dark world. One of my drs. A couple weeks ago upon hearing my youngest would be 10, exclaimed, wow!!! someone musta thought you needed a little sunshine in your life!!! I thought lady, dear, you have no idea. Anyway after a few days passed I decided to make another stab at scrapping his MAW pics, so I put in some uplifting happy cds and cranked it up and sat down determined to make a go of it.......15 minutes later I realized I had still gone no where I was staring at the same pic I was when I first sat down, then I began to yawn....yup my bed was looking better all the time. A few minutes past and a song I hadn't heard in awhile came on and stopped me in my tracks. (or would have had I moved at all in the last 20 minutes :) it was, ONE SCARRED HAND a song I sang to my kids as I rocked them when they were tired and fussy and I was exhausted and teary, a song I sang over and over in the hospital to Devin as I held him and rocked him, sat in icu by his sedated side, laid beside him in his big hospital bed when he was in pain or couldn't sleep a song I knew every word to and believed with all my heart. I stopped and listened a bit then joined in, when it was over I couldn't help but smile, and I thought thankyou Devin, you knew what your mama needed, it's your turn to be there for me huh?! I still didn't get much scrapping done but I felt great and I wasn't tired and I knew i'd been handed a hug straight from Heaven and my son and it was a like breath of fresh air, him whispering......i know sometimes it still hurts, but you'll be okay, you have this promise to hold onto you always sang to me about!! right along with the hug and whisper from my son, I felt God smile!! for some reason it seems my blog space changed a bit i cant upload a youtube video,probably my computer illiteracy showin up :) but if you go to youtube one scarred hand by gold city they have an awesome video of that song.....