He's In The Everyday

i love to write!! I need to write!! but, the last while I. just. cant. even. I have a headful of stuff needing to come out and a heart full of more stuff needing to come out and its just all in there colliding with each other in one big murky swirling mess. life has felt very huge and overwhelming and there's so much frustration and hurt and feelings of existing and going through the motions and in the middle of that there's all this amazing love and friendships and golden moments of beauty and preciousness and God and yet at the same time God has felt immensely silent and far away and unreachable far to often and relationships hurt and betray and are silent and judgy and life questions loom large and unanswered and understanding of it all seems vague and out of reach and the need to get it all out in writing it is larger than before and at the same second the lies of you have nothing to say and your a hypocrite and people will just judge you if your real and honest and assume and whisper and you fail as a friend and as a mama and as a wife, and and, and.............last week we went to the Outer Banks (one of my most favoritest places on planet earth) with the family, we hadn't been there since 2007 the week of the first anniversary of Devin's death, it felt like coming home!! as we got closer and the salty sea air began to greet us it was like being swaddled by your favorite blankie and as we crossed the Oregon inlet it felt like your favoritest person pulled you blankie and all into the comfort of his warm embrace and reached passed you and shut the door on the rest of the crazy, ever moving, beautiful chaotic world and handed you a free from anything but rest and reboot pass for a whole week!! I entered my bedroom with it's own screened in deck space complete with little metal bistro table and chairs and 2 Adirondack chairs and I peeled back the curtains and opened my patio door and let the salt air and sea sounds wash over me with smell of sand dunes and sea oats and sounds of shore birds and I shut my eyes, breathed deep and smiled and didn't shut the patio door until I packed up to leave. I took my journal and my electronic tablet along with this crazy thought that early in the morning or maybe late at night or somewhere in the in between hours I'd sequester myself away with that favorite blankie and a mug or glass of something amazing by my side on my own little patio facing the ocean and I'd write myself empty, I'd vomit all swirling heart and mind content and dialogue and mentally decompress all while listening to the oceans crash and roar and the sea birds or the night sounds all around, but..... I DIDNT OPEN MY JOURNAL AND PICK UP MY PEN ONCE OR TURN ON MY TABLET TO DOCUMENT.....instead, I walked the beach for miles in the A.M. reveling in the peace and silence, (I know, how can there be peace and silence by the sea, trust me, it was more of a head thing,) I'd pick up shells watch the sea birds scavenge for breakfast and the sun come up, I'd hold long chopped up conversations with God, mixed in with a lot of arguing an ranting and tears and questions. in the evening sometimes id walk a few beach miles again to watch the sun set over the sound then at night we'd take the kiddos an flashlights and hit the beaches again and chase ghost crabs and spy on the deer in the dunes. and in the in between hours id curl up on my bed facing the waves and sleep to the rhythmic roaring of the rising and falling of those powerful waves. and so the whole week went by and not a word came out in writing......I came home a little frustrated and a bit irritated, cause in my dialoging with God airing my frustrations with life I mentioned how life seems at times like one massive speed bump that never quite ends and I was feeling a bit like please throw out a life line already, it's time for a lung full of fresh air, like seriously, and then I was like am I missing something?? do I not know how to listen to you or communicate with you, like what am I not getting?? then I was like, I know, I love the amazingness of your creation and nature so if like you could put something awesome in my path ill know your telling me that ill be ok, that life and relationships and frustrations are gonna be ok that we'll survive this. I thought how about like a starfish or a sand dollar or ....... I came home with a piece of a broken sand dollar and pictures of the starfish my nephew found and I felt jipped and a bit let down and a whole lot like seriously I'm not sure you even care that I'm feeling overwhelmed and jelly legged at life. and.....then.....after the car was unloaded and I sat down on the patio to catch my breath and relax a bit by the fire I saw it, my angel trumpet bush was exploding with blooms, it was magnificent!! all summer it gave a random blossom sporadically but had been a huge disappointment and now it was glorious and hanging full and I immediately thought of my request to God in showing me something of his creation to let me know there is hope and that life might be hard and frustrating but it would be ok and ill survive especially with Him guiding and listening, even it at times it is one of His frustrated girls ranting and brewing and bellyaching, I knew without a doubt He gets that too, but it also was very clear to me again that His view of my life story looks a heap sight different than mine, His look at me and my life doesn't look anything like I think it should and what I demand or think is best for me or what I want isn't always how He sees my life for me or how He plans to orchestrate it for me, and His ways of speaking to me, giving me answers or showing me Himself usually is far from how I want Him to or order Him to, and what He asks me to do is walk this life resting and trusting in His sailing this ship and to rely fully on Him and Him alone for my happiness and contentment, not in friendships or marriage or works or commitments to others and churches and dreams, but in Him alone then we won't need to have expectations or lofty goals that get shattered and hurt and betrayed. I don't always know how to do it, or take His ways of providing the means to do it, but I know that verse, BE STILL, AND KNOW, is in there for a reason, maybe, especially for me, so I take the time to quit my frantic search of Him in some spectacular show, and quietly find Him in the quiet of the here and now, in the everyday, mundane at times, life and space He has called me to in this moment! Maybe it's finding Him in the coming home, the familiar, the laying down and living fully in Him, even in the swirling murky distorted life view.