Noise, there is so much noise around us every day, trying to drown out our rest, our peace, and that still small voice of our Heavenly Father. Noise, pulling us away from the important, the priorities of our life, our days, and distracting us from tuning into the important voices, songs, and life moments. Pain, is one of the loudest noises I know, demanding front and center attention, interrupting and talking over, dominating and controlling, whether it's physical, emotional, mental or even grief pain. Pain tends to drown out and take my focus off of anything else important in my life, causing life as I know it to halt, except for the revolving around the pain at hand. This past half a year I have had to make myself face the pain head on and declare war, choosing to consciously box the pain and shelve it at the back of my mind and not give it free rein and power over my days, otherwise, I want to stay curled in a fetal ball and lay festering in it. Some days the choice to rise above it and go on with life is an hourly refocus and resetting of my mind and will power to rise above it and do the next thing. The pain noise is excruciatingly loud at times, and the mental, and emotional will power is on E, and I want to give in to thoughts of, I don't deserve this, and allow myself to wallow in pity and be miserable, cause, after all I didn't ask for this and now I have to deal with all this, so I should be doted on, and fawned over, and the desire to feel entitled to being served, and waited on, and coddled, is strong, cause after all the pain is screaming and I shouldn't really have to move at all, and, well, it would just be much easier to let the pain have the stage, and give into it's neediness with a steady round of applause and be it's willing audience, and allow myself to camp out there, and believe me, there were days I gave in to that, and the struggle is still not over, however, the demands only get bigger and the noise becomes deafening and I find myself beyond miserable and creating an atmosphere around me of grumpiness and misery! I recently came across this word and it's meaning, or at least one of it's meanings, and it hasn't left my vision, when the pain starts ampping up and drowning out, I see this word and I so long to live every facet of my life in this place, in this word and it's definition.
The road ahead still looks daunting, with surgeries and recoveries and more pain, but I so want to gaze ahead, peering through clear, sunshine filled lenses, and not, smudged, gray and dreary spectacles, and to remember, when the next storm hits, that I have been given an umbrella of hope, and freedom in my heavenly Father, and to know confidently no matter how loud and unsettling the storm, He's got this, He's hot me, He's bigger than any of it and in control, and no matter what mud and puddles I find myself having to slosh through in life, I don't have to wade through them miserable and alone, and to remember the rainy, painful season is just that, only a season, and that on the other side there's sunshine and rainbows waiting, after all, every storm runs outta rain at some point!
There were so many days my faith and my body was weak, and I would wonder if I could go to one more treatment, and I would think maybe, I'll just stop, this is to much, and I'm just so done with it all, and I can't find the energy or gumption to care about moving, let alone getting up and about and ready to drive an hour for another long day of exams and infusions. At the beginning of it all I remember thinking, how in this world am I going to be able to get through this, it looks huge and overwhelming and not at all doable, and the 6 months stretched on for an eternity, and now, it's over, all the chemo treatments are over and here we are 6 months later still standing!! A bit disheveled and bowed over and wilted and withered and still battling through side effects and with random EKG appointments and pre-ops and blood-works, and surgeries to go, but, STILL STANDING!!!!!! There's a quote just this week I read from one of my devotionals that absolutely rings true to me...."IF GOD IS CALLING YOU OUT, HE'LL HOLD YOU UP!!" I am so very grateful for the many hours, days, moments, when God held me up, even in those times when He felt distant and silent, and I felt alone, I know it was only by His faithfulness and grace that I was able to pick myself up and move forward, even if it was at sloth pace, or by sending my people along to step in, and alongside and offer help and love and encouragement, He always showed up to hold me up!
GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!!!!
