Same day......another year

another year has rolled around, and it's August 23 once again...but it's okay. as each year comes and goes the dates trigger memories, some great, some horrific, some bittersweet......today it's 7 years since Devin was diagnosed with cancer. don't freak out, i'm not gonna go into detail, or rant, i did that last year :) but it is one of those days in my mind i doubt i'll ever forget. but the reality is, every year i can't help but remember the life altering change that came over our family, over me as a person and mama. but i must confess it's nice to be able to face the day without feeling like a truckload of depression is sitting on my chest suffocating me, or the urge to burrow into my covers and sleep the day away therefore fast forwarding it, although i must be honest and admit there was alot of bittersweet moments and a curiosity of wondering how the view would be from here had things been different. but most importantly i love looking back and saying wow!! 7 years!! and we made it!! there were many days i remember thinking, seriously?? i can't imagine getting to the one month mark than one year, and now.....7 years!! i think one of the biggest revelations to me, (and this is probably shedding some light on my weak faith) is realizing that INDEED my God was there all along, guiding me, wrapping me in His arms patiently by my side through every step of the dealing and healing process, through the hurt, confusion, anger, depression, the letting go of the blueprint i thought perfect for my life and letting Him re-draw the entire thing. i shouldn't be amazed, that is who He said He is, what He promised He would do, but somehow i still am, and it blesses me all over again to know that no matter what's ahead, He got it in His hands. theres another song i usedto sing to Devin, on our long sleepless hospital stays, i tried googling it but had no luck, but it goes something like this: it's really dark and cold tonight, and i'm tired and all alone, there seems no ray of hope in sight, oh, Lord, why did uou ever make night. chorus: i made the night so you would trust in me, i made the night so you would place your hand in mine, i made the night so in the early morning, you could see my sun/Son rise and shine! now as i place my trust in you, i can see the first rays of light, and i know that you are with me, oh Lord, i'm so glad you made night! on another note, my firstborn Brandon, turns 14 tomorrow!! thats another unforgettable date, the first birth, the joy of a miracle of life, so small and dependant placed in your arms.....that day thinking of him celebrating his 14th birthday seemed light years away....well here it is, and i thank God for this precious manchild, he has brought so much joy into our lives, and has handled life and it's unexpected bumps with grace.

IN LOVE WITH A MIRACLE

i know, i just posted last night, this is unusual to have another one back to back, but it is what it is :) those of you who are prego or recently have been know what i'm talking about when it comes to them frequent gotta go NOW bathroom treks when your trying to sleep, well this post is an indirect result of being awakened by a lil miss dancin' on my full bladder at 4:45am, at which time i huffed and puffed and heaved my bulk outta bed in the process causing daddy to wake u enough to check the time only to then witness him bouncin outta bed muttering something about alarm not goin off pickin' up amish crew, it's a good thing you woke up and woke me, i gotta leave in 15 and you hear the coffee maker go off? cause i didn't hear the coffee maker........so....till the trek was finished his mumblings began to register therefore leaving me wide awake in the aftermath of father/son hurricanes grabbin' coffee, lunches, thermos' gatorade and ice and bouncin out the door, off to another day of building/framing houses, or should i say creating a masterpiece outta boards that humans dwell in cause ot only is the current project a mini mansion, its seriously a complicated puzzle of pieces, roofs going this way and that, trusses of many sizes shapes and styles, and rooms and measurments and features that looking at the blueprint had me shaking my head in amazement that anyone could read this let alone figure it out, but i must say they got the right man for the job, not only does he love a challenge, but in the end it'll be done right and he'll grin that handsome grin of his thats left me weak in the knees and hyperventilating many times over, and say you wanna come see what we did? and i'll go and take a tour and be spellbound all over again that my perfectionist hubby got that amazing result from that puzzling rolled up piece of paper they call a blueprint! which makes the houghts running through my head this morning even more convincing in my mind that i am married to a miracle man, whose been given a gift from God to figure out and build these puzzles, and to it well with no physical limitations for the most part. i see him climbing around on those beams and rafters and shake my head, cause you see my picture, my view could be radically different if not for the grace of God and a miracle in our lives, more specifically in the life of my dear husband Glen.......this week it's 13 years since my sister and her family, a family friend, my single sister and us decided to spend a gorgeous sunday afternoon biking a canal trail an hour or so from home. as often goes the guys are full of energy and biking circles around us woman who are tending kids as we leisurly peddle alomg jsut glad to be breathing fresh air outside our own four walls. well my hubby loved exploring and climbing hills and all the other things a man can find to do on a bike, so while waiting on us woman and kids to catch up, he decided to leave the trail for a grass hill, a steep grass hill, much to his delight he made it up without pushing, but didn't forsee the ditch at the bottom that went right into the next bank, so when coming down the hill fastly he hit the ditch thus stopping his bike suddenly leaving his body to continue moving over the handlbars head/face first into the opposite bank. the results were??? NOT GOOD!! that afternoon we ended up in the trauna unit. backing up a bit, our friend caught up to me and warned me Glen wrecked his bike, thought he might need a few stitches in his face and a missing tooth or two,but that he was up and walking and heading towards the vehicles, but i should probably check on him, well i got to the scene, and found no hubby so walked on towards parking lot, i found him stumbling and weaving, i got beside him and he pretty much collapsed on me, so helped him lay down in the grass off to the side, thats when his fear and panic started to set in, he had his legs up and all by them selves they went down, and he began to lose control and feeling. this is where adreniline kicks in and your given a calmness and strenghth you know comes only from heaven, i stayed by his side holding his hhand reassuring him it was ok the ambulance was called he'd have help soon. finally loaded and on our way, and true paranoia sets in, he cant feel anything in his legs and he needs to move them and can't and whats happening?? thank God for emts and meds they soon had him calm, so we arrived at the hospital only to have him dissappear behind trauma unit doors and us put in a private family lounge, to wait FOREVER!! finally a doc. comes to get me saying he's about to get some more scans but he wants to see you so go reassure him your hear and talk for 5 minutes but then we gotta keep moving....so i did, although reassuring to me to see him awakei could stll see panic in his eyes and hear it in his voice, neither one of us had any news to give the other as far as updates so we let the docs once again take over. so back to waiting.....was so thankful for my sisters, they took care of our then not quite 1 year old son Brandon, guys went for food, and all wer just quietly there supporting, praying. finally the doc comes in again.....and the next words outta his mouth ill never forget....Mrs. Diem, i hate to tell you this, but you need to be prepared, most likely your husband will never walk again, at this point he's paralyzed from his waist down, he broke from here to here in his back which will require surgery and rods and screws and a graft from his hip......at that point my mind shut down, it wasn't until everyone had left and took the kids home and i finally got to see him in his icu room, looking at me with them big beautiful brown eyes of his full of regrets and pain and questions.i couldn't stay longwhich was fine at that point i couldn't bear it anyway, but as i sat down in that waiting room my mind went nuts, how was i gonna raise a child, and take care of a handicapped husband plus be the breadwinner. how was he gonna cope with being wheelchair bound for life and how fair was it that this is basically all our son would no of his daddy.....the prayer support and visitor support was amazing, we felt surounde by love and care the hospital was wonderful to. tuesday saw him going through surgery to repair his broken back, the wait seemed like forever, ill never forget the feeling of nausea when i walked in his room and seeing him with a stick with pinchers on the end, i said whats that for? his reply?? this is to help me be as indeendant as possible, they're teaching me how to put my socks on without bending over annd with this i can reach for stuff.......i needed air NOW!! i walked out and ran into his bro and wife, i wanted to lose it right there but i put a smile on my face {this was before i learnt its okay to be real to show emotion to ne you :} } and to their hows he doing? i said oh good they're teaching him how to care for himself. the next morning i was in for another shock when i arrived, this time it was good one, this was where i was hit between the eyes with how much God cares for us and about us, where i realized that prayer and support from our friends and loved ones are huge and dont go unnoticed or unheard!! that my God can and does perform miracles, sometimes more than we'll ever know cause often were not looking or believing! anyway i arrived the next morning determined as i got off that elevator that no matter how i found him i was gonna smile and show him we'll be okay we will make it, well i was stopped in my tracks at the sight of him walking, ok more like shuffling down the hall towards me with a nurse on either side. i couldn't help it, i beamed, i teared up, i gasped out a whats goin on, he gave me a painfilled half grin and grunted, they want to see if i can do physical therapy, i might be healing better than they were expecting....thankyou Father!!!! i tried not to be to hopeful but surely if he's shuffling now......so that afternoon finds him in a short but ehausting pt session where after putting him through the paces the nurses looked at him and sighned his papers saying get outta here your great you don't need us!!! MIRACLES!!! they do happen....TO US!! five days after his accident, after being told to expect a handicapped hubby, he WALKED outta that hospital, equipped with back brace and orders of no work for 6 mo. he had one follow up visit a week later where they removed his staples from surgery, and said he's doin well if he's comfortable without brace to use his judgment, and 3 months later he was back at work doing lite stuff. i'm married to a living, breathing, WALKING miracle!!!! so when i see him climbing around on roofs and bouncin outta bed, i sit back in awe at what God has done for us, i know our lives aint over, i dont know what all lies ahead of us, but up to this point our story could have been so different, the view from here could have drastically been altered, but God in his ever present goodness and grace reached down and touched and proclaimed miraculous healing, for which i will forever be greatful!!

We Need To Carry On

My heart hurts!! Way deep inside, like a smoldering fiery ache. seems my life has been and is surrounded by hurting, and troubled family and friends. those who are batteling demons of anxiety, and depressiom, those who are grieving loved ones passed on and loved ones living in sin, those who are facing serious sickness and financial drowning, those who've buried long awaited infants and those who cant concieve, those who've watched their kids fight hard and let them go, those who've watched their kids choose to walk an unsafe path, those who have broken relations in family and out............ i long to make everyones situation better, to cause the pain to dissappear, to hand them a prescription and say take this or follow this and your life will be great!! but i can't, its outta my control,it's not my place to heal people no matter how dear they are to me. but.....i can be there, i can listen, i can PRAY!!! i have a direct line to the greatest healer of all, but often i'm guilty of using that as a last resort, try everything else, suggest this, do that,and in a feeble last ditch effort, oh yea, now might be a good time to pray since all else appears to have failed. my God persues me daily longing for communication with me, for a sold out relationship with him, and i wonder at times how many miracles i miss cause i wasn't looking, cause i havent communicated with him daily. and i know He works miracles daily and longs for is to be a part of them. in this world we'll have trouble, but He has overcome the world!! no matter what i'm going through, what i'm facing, or how bad my heart is hurting i know He's ever faithful, ever by my side, and i know that when it comes to my hurting family and friends, i may feel helpless, i may not know how to fix their situation, but i can always be there, to listen, to encourage, but most importantly to Pray!! to talk to my Father and ask on their behalf for peace, healing, calmness, forgiveness, whatever, and my Father is always ready with open arms to welcome me and listen and communicate. i remember in the hospital with Devin over a particularly anxious time a friend told me she didn't know what to do but she was praying....i remember my response was a teary, thankyou, cause right now i can't, to which she hugged and me and said, that's okay thats what the rest of us are for.....i think thats huge in Gods eyes, to see His people carrying His hurting children in their desperate times, lifting them up to Him when their to weak to make it on their own. so even though my heart hurts for all my friends and family facing struggles and pain, i know i can't heal, but more importantly I CAN HELP....i can carry the hurting straight to my Father the greatest physcian of all, and theres no waiting line!!! He's always on call just waiting for us to lift up our loved ones to Him!! that's an awesome peaceful thought!!