Tangled Clouds

i think when i get to heaven one of the first questions i want to ask God is why he made woman with their emotions all in a tangled heap like grannys yarn basket. it's fast heading toward fall here, i love fall, the brisk cool mornings the color bursting through the fields and trees, but along with the approach of fall come the anniversary of Devin's death. and no matter how much i feel at peace with what he went through and the outcome it still hits me between the eyes with a powerful bring you to your knees blow that leaves you feeling like where ever you go theres this little black cloud hovering above. this year i thought, to myself earlier, i don't think i'll mind it like before, it's been getting easier, he's still missed intensley but we've come along way, and with a new baby right around the corner and the excitement and anticipation of Her arrival, i think this year will be different, there will be new fresh life and hope. NOT TRUE!! my emotions over the past week or so have been all over the place, very high, very low, even keel, through the roof, you name it i've been there. one moment i'm thankful for the 5 wonderful years, the next i scream out why only that long. then i see a friend who's been where we've been, and her son fought and won, but the side affects have been torture, and with new issues arrising and treatment limited and more side affects involved and heading down an unknown road again filled with what ifs and whys i find myself on another emotional rollersoaster. one minute i'm thankful my son was spared this kind pain and not having to look at being a child mentally stable but totally unnormal, and the next moment knowing i'd give everything to walk through it with him if he were here. sometimes as frustrated as it has made me at times i think men got the better end of the emotional dealing with thing. it seems at least for my hubby, they quietly process and mull over it and pull themselves up and move on, some days i long for that, but then i think how having to deal with it over and over has kept me at Jesus feet, in that constant seeking for the peace and assurance that He is there helping, guiding, loving me through every black cloud, for when the days are sunniest it's easiest to go my own way. so though today started out "rainy" it's sunny once again, as peace chased away the storm!!

Labor Day!!

Labor Day.......today hubby spent the day burning a brush pile, cleaning up, assembling a yard attachment thingy for behind the lawnmower, and just in general puttering around the house and grounds in usual ever busy Glen style. i made a big breakfast for my people, boxed up my books from our bedroom to make room for baby stuff in between taking many breaks to catch my breath and try and disocver where all my oxygen went, then i took the kids to town to take advantage of Jo-Ann fabric sale on flannel, yes, dreaming of little girly recieving blankets, crib quilts, burb cloths etc. it hit me the other day that these things too are one more thing i'm just now realizing went up in smoke when we lost our house, so were starting over. while all this is going on my minds churning, wishing in one way it truly was "Labor Day" and we were meeting and cuddling this little miss, but on the other hand feeling a bit of panic at the thought and not feeling quite ready. then my mind wonders further to the Angel face that has been in my minds eye all day, hanging there on the edge, me acknowledging it yet not quite sure i'm willing to really go there and let myself remember.......because of fear, fear that i'll be sad and depressed the entire day, fear i'll feel guilty for being so incredibly happy at this point in life and soaking up the peace that has come after the healing.....then i got to really thinking on it and thought that is just dumb, that is like giving the devil a piece of me and keeping myself from basking in the graciousness of God, not given Him proper credit for seeing us through the pain, for counting His abundant blessings He's poured on us in spite of the storms..........yes!! Labor day 6 years ago we spent the day with Glen's family at Lake Tobias animal park and Devin was with us, we made wonderful memories, granted we had to resurrect our stroller from storage so he would have a ride whenever his weak achy legs couldn't go no more, but it was priceless to see him making faces at the camera goofing off with his uncles and feeding the animals, it was one of the last things we got to do together, one of the last times he spent with his cousins and grandma. So Labor Day has become another one of "those" dates you'll never forget. BUT......i got great memories, awesome pics, and we were given that day to enjoy him outta the hospital, away from iv drips, and beeps, and needles and meds and sterilness, that was a huge gift!! and this Labor Day we get to look back and see where we we've been, how far God has brought us, and looking forward we see what God has given us, a home, healthy kids, a job, and a brand new Miracle from Heaven on the way!! That is HUGE!!! It's another Labor Day, full of memories, full of blessing, full of God and family, it's an AWESOME day!!!

Devin with a pony in the petting area at Lake Tobias, he fell in love with it!!