Christmas is Worship....Christmas is Hope

Christmas, it's been on my mind so much this week, and not just because it's only a few days away, but because life has been feeling rather heavy, life has been crowding in, blurring the atmosphere of the season of miracles and hope, cluttering up trying to push aside worship of our Lord, the greatest Christmas miracle and gift of hope ever. There was a period of time after Devin died when I was rather paranoid I guess you'd say, and felt like I was continually looking for the "next bomb to drop" as it were on our family. it had just felt like there was so many deaths and other trying events one after the other that I started feeling like ok I really can't relax or let my guard down because sooner or later we'll be in "the new" again. anyway I feel like for the most part I worked thru that time and found healing, but I had to think about that a little this week with the feeling of the heaviness of life crowding in, but then right on top of that I really started to ponder Christmas, and God reminded me that this is why He came, to carry our heaviness to walk beside us, to carry us when we can't take another step. I was just amazed at how the first Christmas ever was all about us!!! He came to the earth as a babe to give us the ultimate gift of himself, we only need reach out and take it. However now that we've received him and accepted his gift and know him it isn't about us at all!! but Christmas is sooooo very much about him!!! it's about us celebrating him!! us worshipping him!! us taking this gift to the hurting and lost and shining him!! yesterday was Christmas sunday so in sunday school we had a time of sharing and prayer and lots of tears!! this to is worship!!! lifting each other up, encouraging, walking along side. of course it's also one of the reasons I finally opened up my blog again, my heart and soul were filled and overflowing and yes as typical for me my eyes were filled too!!! but.... I can write much better than speak :) so here I am and well its easier to wipe off tears from a keyboard and no one ever know than to try and discreetly wipe them away in a room full of ladies and get by with it :) although the tears running yesterday didn't keep my mouth shut :( but the prayers and hugs and love and encouragement and hope, were healing, sanctifying, and yes filled me with hope and renewed faith that no matter what were facing our tiny baby king got everything under control in His hands as only the God of the universe can and those dear ladies around me in sunday school  will be right there whenever I need a shoulder, hug, or just a quiet support!! seems I still got a lot to learn about letting go....and I guess that more than anything is what I keep hearing through life!! my grandma Halteman had a heart attack in July and ever since she has required round the clock care I've been trying to take my turn and sit with her at least once a week. for the most part I enjoy every minute of it, some days yes I think oh my theres so much I should be getting done at home, or she'll sleep a lot and the day drags by but I always come away so grateful I went. my grandmother Wile is at this moment in the hospital not doing real well, seems the cancer is fighting with a vengeance. and this is where life really started to feel so heavy. my Wile family has been going through so much the last few years, grandpap unexpectedly passing away in an accident, grammy fighting her cancer battle, Uncle John going through cancer treatments, Uncle Denny having heart issues, Uncle Dan losing his fight with cancer, and this week finding out my dad needs open heart surgery. I just feel like God is saying, you gotta let go, gotta not hang on so tight, i'm in control it's not about you and how you want life to be, it's me that's in charge of writing this story and you need to trust the pen in my hand. I get that, now, yes sometimes it's hourly I need to hand back that pen so God can continue writing but I'm slowly learning, to trust, to hang on just tight enough that I cherish and make the most of each moment I'm given with any of my dear family, but not so tightly that I smudge the writing, the story. He is the author, the illustrator, the editor, the printer.....He gets all the acknowledgments and the credits.....and when I think of Christmas and how that story, His story turned out, how can I not leave it to Him!!

BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE

June 10th 7 seven years ago was a perfectly gorgeous spring day. there was a brilliant blue sky filled with puffy cotton candy clouds. there was an abundance of giggles and questions and hurrying and gathering and much anticipated adventure. and then......shouts of they're here!! and we all stood in awe all as a loooooonnnnngggg shiny black limo made its way up our very steep hill and maneuvered its way around in our drive. and yes we all tried to chuckle discreetly as our chauffeur backed into the tree in our front yard :) there was no damage to fuss over. you see this was day one, the start of Devin's MAKE-A-WISH trip. he was in remission, doing excellent and we as a family were heading out to make some new memories to treasure (and to scrap :) dear friends of ours that we got to know in the hospital cause their daughter and Devin had the same thing, put Devin on the wish list so here we were, (they were on their wish trip when his services were, and to date she is doing great PTL!!) anyway Devin's wish was to go to the smokies in Tennessee. so a limo came and chauffeured us to the airport, along the way we were surprised with friends holding signs and banners wishing us well, seeing us off and celebrating with us. Devin was all smiles, and his eyes were huge as he watched the planes come and go as we waited our turn, and again as we took off and got to view those cotton candy clouds beside us and below us. we landed and got our rental car and headed for our cabin,(that was his main request, a cabin in the Smokies). when we got to the rental place and got our keys, I remember thinking it almost amusing that we were assigned the cabin named.......BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE, and yet I liked it, somehow it felt safe and comforting in a bizarre kind of way. I got pics of Devin by the sign and thought how true it really is, #1 there was an organization out there that cares enough about long term illness kids that they pay for them to spend time with their loved ones. #2 that we had friends who loved us so much and cared about us having this time they put our name in. #3 we were there as a whole family together after being pulled apart at the seams in many directions over the last 10 months. #4 DEVIN was in remission and except for a few meds to take each day we had a whole week to put away cancer and be NORMAL!!! the list could go on and on. that week we spent making a ton of memories, campfires and smores at the cabin, horse back rides, hiking to waterfalls, black bear jamboree, Boyd's bear barn, parrot mountain and gardens, feeding and holding the parrots, Dixie stampede, the aquarium, Dolly wood, drives in the mountains, comedy barn..............and because of being on a make a wish trip we were told to wear our pins stating that and often we received special treatment and favors because this was a kid that was fighting an enormous battle with the best soldiers and he was meant to be helped and honored in giving him and his family the best memories ever!!
looking back I think that name of our cabin was the most fitting ever that we could have had.....would we have chosen this path ? absolutely never!!! but......we were given 5 wonderful years and the memories to prove it, some parents haven't even had the gift of a child with breath. we were given a long enough remission time that we got in a blissful week of family memories....some families it was over almost before it started....life is usually way different than we ever planned, and there are days if I could MAKE-A-WISH and have it come true, I'd hold that son of mine tight one more time, I'd peek into heaven and see what he looks like at 12, and again the list goes on......instead this week I did strawberries with my sister, went on a mama/kids day with my in laws and this weekend were camping with friends......new memories are being made, though the picture will forever be as a smile with a missing tooth, were still abundantly BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE!!

   

Mixed Emotions

He's been my Uncle for 38 years yet it's only been in the last 7 that we really connected and he became very special. My Uncle Dan is a Respitory Therapist and was working outta Hershey Medical Center when Devin was going through his cancer journey, so in between patients Uncle Dan would come sit and visit with us. Devin wasn't a kid that had an abundance to say, but when he'd see Uncle Dan he'd light up. It made our day when he would join us for icecream parties in the cafeteria or go to the playroom with us for Devin's bingo games or craft time. Uncle dan brightened Devin's day, encouraged mama and became very special through his strong faith and support little did we know that one day not terribly long after Devin's cancer journey ended Uncle Dan would begin his own and it became our turn to walk with him on this everchanging up and down no road maps given out at the start journey. His faith has made a huge impact on me. At the end of each visit he tells me he's praying to beat this ugly disease, he knows our Great God can do a miracle in his body but if not here on this earth he'll be healed forever in Heaven, then he says be faithful, no matter what Our God is Good!!!! A few weeks ago when i went to leave he took my hand and and told me he thinks he'll see Devin soon!! Wow!! a part of me was a little bit jealous to think of them getting to be together, the other part of me wanted to scream NOOO!!! i'm not ready to say another goodbye, and yet still another part just wanted him to go and be painfree and done with the suffering and i knew Devin would be so happy!! i could just envision Devin right behind Jesus welcoming him through heaven's gate with his sparkly eyes and bubbly laugh. Uncle Dan's cancer is at the point that unless given a miracle his healing will be in Heaven!!! wow!! what a healing!!! painfree and cancer free FOREVER!!! and yet as much as we rejoice that his battle will be over we cry for what we know we'll miss and long for with him gone. how does one say goodbye to someone so dear when you have so much you want to say yet no words at all. i keep remembering something i read after Devin passed, that life gone on ahead of us is not a period, but a comma, a pause, in our journey till were all together, reunited again in heaven by Jesus side never to say another goodbye. i remember as a kid being spell bound every time Uncle Dan played the piano. He didn't just play it well he played it really well with all the extra fancy notes and musical flourishes. and i remember then already being an emotional female and feeling tears lurking right beneath the surface depending what he played. one song in particular i remember him playing and requested after that a few times was, John Denvers, Leaving On A Jetplane. i loved it, not sure exactly what it was about it but loved it and every time i heard it anywhere i'd think of Uncle Dan and see him sitting at that old piano of Grammy's playing it. today i looked up the words and a few were fitting, but i wondered if Uncle Dan could get himself outta that hospital bed and to a big old piano if this is more the words he'd be singin......( John Denver's no longer living to ask his permission but i felt inspired to change the words)                I'm Leaving Here On Angels Wings

My time heres almost through, i'm ready to go
      I'm standing outside heaven's door
I've called you together to say goodbye
the dawn is breakin on the other side
my Jesus is waiting His arms open wide
 my healings begun im ready to fly!!

chorus: So kiss me and smile for me
tell me you'll be joining me
      hold me tight then gently let me go
      cause i'm leaving here on angel's wings
      I wont be coming back again
      rest assured to heaven I will go

There's many times you'll miss me here
so many memories all around
      I tell you now hold each other dear
every place you go i'll be with you
      every song you sing i'll sing with you
      though I'm gone it'll be a little like im near

Now the time has come to leave you
one more time let me kiss you
close your eyes I'll be on my way
      dream about the days to come
when you join me on heaven's shore
about the time goodbyes are no more

Life.........Beautiful!!

Well it's been a long while since i blogged.....although if it counts, i've been blogging on paper and in my head and heart all along as i tried to keep up with all the business and changes in our life. to catch everyone up on what's been going on, although most of you who read this know me so this ain't exactly news.....we became parents again after 10 years to our own Little gift from Heaven, our little Ava Danielle on November 29th. okay.....sooooo i'm back again, this post was started before Christmas!! :) more important things....people....have been taking up my time, for that i will not apologize! back to the subject at hand...LIFE!!! for the last 6 weeks we have been basking in the wonder of new life and the amazingness of life that our newborn Ava has brought to us. she has been the cheeriest, happiest, most adorable little treasured ray of sunshine our home has seen in awhile!! we cant get done oohhhing and aahhhing over her and loving on her, pretty much at all times she can be found snuggling in someones arms, mostly her mamas unless daddys home then shes pretty much his main attraction and the feeling is mutual you can tell already at her very young age, she has claimed the pocket over his heart and one can clearly see she aint relocating anytime soon much to his delight and satisfaction!! along with the immense joy and wonder at having this bit of Heaven in our home has come other changes.....mamas nerves aren't always the strongest, sleeps at an all time low,tears are never to far away, anxiety at times is out of this world, and our schedule....oh yea, right, what schedule...is there such a thing??? :) seriously, if it means having our Ava, we'll deal with anything!! the other day i found myself holding my sweet baby girl and i couldn't help but squeeze her a bit tighter and not want to let her go even though the dirty undies were piling up and dust bunnies were threatening to dethrone me in my own little kingdom. the tears came on sudden like as i gazed into her cherubic face so like her big brothers....her angel brother....the one that she'll only know through us!! the tears flowed for what is, what was, and what never will be. crying for the precious life i now held, yet also for the life i once held for 5.5years and now is no more. i rejoiced in this miracle of new life yet wept for wishing our story was different, that our family knew completeness, that this baby girl could know the love and life of her big brother (who was the biggest baby fan of all my kids) but having to be okay with her knowing and loving him through us. a part of me wonders if somehow through Heaven's Ava does know Devin more than we can imagine, more than we can ever comprehend. i know with out a doubt babies are handpicked and Heaven sent straight from our Father. i feel so much like im truly holding a piece of heaven in my arms when i squeeze her close, like she is this priceless gift sent to us for this exact Christmas moment and celebration from our Father and her big brother Devin!! i can totally see our Father in all His glorious love for us winking at Devin and whispering come with me theres something i want your help with, theres a new masterpiece in the making and i want the best parts of you to be included. i know some would probably proclaim i'm like totally out there, a bit charasmatic, or nutso!! but hey i say as much as God longs for a relationship with us here on earth i think it's even more so in Heaven!!! i mean do we invite our best friends over to our house and then sit them in a corner and walk away??!! i think NOT!! anyway, i can imagine My Father and Devin laying with their hands behind their heads in a field of wildflowers planning this precious gift they want to surprise us with! i can see them giggling together over how shocked and delighted they know we'll be with this baby girl,and then conspiring together about exactly how she'll look, about how tiny yet perfect she'll be, how she'll have the smile of an angel right from the start,about how they would give her a beauty all her own yet with little touches and reminders of her real angel brother. they would talk together about forming this amazing new life with unforgettable life gone on. they'd bestow on her long, thick, dark eyelashes the nurses all exclaimed over and envied on Devin, and they'd pass along his sticky up hair that made him look adorably impish, along with the one eye that squinted just enough when laughing to make him sparkle, and as a perfect finishing touch, they'd crown her with same can't help but kiss them, heart shaped perfectly pink lips. as we constantly love up this little person who is so her own individual person with a small piece of heaven throwed in, i get a vivid picture of God our Father on one knee, His loving arm around Devin and they are gazing to earth and delighting in the love and happiness they have created together and sent to fill our home, they laugh and high five each other and pronounce that was the perfectest gift ever!! She's just what they needed from Heaven this Christmas to heal a little more perfectly!! when it caming to naming this adorable cherub, we had quite a time deciding and agreeing. but one day while researching names we both kinda liked and tossed around, i looked into the meanings. there was one that we both really liked and agreed on but couldn't decide if we should use it because a friend already had a daughter with that name. when i looked up the meaning of this name...AVA, i knew if hubby still liked it that this was what it was to be. there are various meanings but the first one that jumped out at me was....life, beautiful!! i felt after seeing that, that her name to was heaven sent....life to us because of circumstances we'd faced had become so valuable, so precious, so fleeting, and yes!! so beautiful. i thought of life, of how we'd loved and lost, of how so fast your enjoying life, the next your in a nightmare, and then i thought of my Uncle Dan,a man who had become very special to us over the last 6 or so years, a man who encouraged us and stood by us through some of our darkest days, a man who was at that moment fighting for his life with same dreaded disease that took our son,and i knew i wanted my daughters middle name to be in his honour!! another meaning for Ava was breath of life, and i felt like with the precious gift we looked forward to we were also given a very real fresh breath of life. none of us knows how much life we'll be given,i used to pray were given a life time with our kids, ive come to realize were always given a life time with them, just not everyones lifetimes the same length of time, some are over in what our human minds would say was to short but in reality it was just right, their own lifetime. over the weekend we laid to rest Glen's 93 year old grandma, she lived a long life, but she too expieranced alot of grief with life lost, her husband to a farm accident, her son to a vehicle accident, a grandson to an accident a great grandson to cancer, 2 daughter in laws....etc. when we experiance life like that we hold on tighter,it becomes even more extra precious, i thank God for this precious heaven sent gift, this ray of sunshine, this life.... beautiful, AVA DANIELLE!! however long her lifetime!!