No Tears In Heaven? I Wonder.......

The Bible....i believe it.... in there it says there are no tears in heaven.....i believe this too....at least for the saints that pass on and receive their eternal reward....however, I do wonder many times if God has a private sanctuary no one, not even saint John, or King David, knows about! A place where God himself goes alone and curls up and weeps and stores His own bottles of tears....... cause I think if I were God and my children acted so often like His does I would wear out the hinges of that secret door and I'd be buying myself a bottling company!!!!! why?? why?? do we who are His, called by Him, the Author of unconditional love, the Master of all things Grace and Peace and Mercy, find it so incredibly difficult to LOVE ONE ANOTHER?? Especially when He loves each of us, that are messed up, floundering and extremely imperfect, so unconditionally without question!! it's a Bible command, repeated over many times!! Love one another!! another verse says, Do good unto ALL men, ESPECIALLY those of the house hold of faith!! and here is where I think God must run to His hiding place and overflow jar after jar after jar, as time after time, He witnesses those who claim Him, tear each other to pieces! We all are on a journey, no two are the same, some have been through serious bogs and floods and some have been through battle after battle while others struggle to overcome wave after wave of whatever each is called to travel. It could be death, abuse, broken homes, rejection, fear, it could be the fight against feeling loved, wanted, needed, or the fight against, low self esteem, unworthiness or anxiety, depression, the list could go on for pages and pages. And yet, we time and time again continue to overlook the importance of investing in people and creating a relationship with them and lifting them in prayer, to instead, tear them to shreds, push them away, and turn your back because well, I don't think they look like I do, or maybe,, they do things different than me, or, I think I heard they said something about me that I don't think I like, or, have a differing opinion of something that's important to me, or, just because you really just think you don't like them just because you don't think you will and not even reach out and try!! in the meantime, we also forget that for some reason we may never know here and now, God put us in each others path for a reason, maybe it's for our growth and good, maybe it's to help them trust again, or, believe in people, or, to grow in their own way, so don't we owe it to ourselves, and them, and especially to God who gives us every perfect gift, to come alongside each other and be what we can to one another along this journey!!?? God knows this life is trying and shaky enough without rejecting the fellow saints He gifts us along the way!! the Bible does tell His people that yes, there will be hard times, for some even persecution and trials, but we never expect to face that among other saints and I think God weeps even harder cause He hasn't planned that either!! we say we believe the Bible, and yet, another thing He repeats in there over and over is the thought of being set apart from the world, and yes, most often that's brought out in teachings referring to the way we clothe ourselves, or, our activities, or posessions, but what about our church relationships, and church family actions?? I wonder sometimes if His tears would be from looking at what is claimed to being His church and seeing dealings and actions that look like a mirror of the workings of the government!! We gasp at the thought of that and are rightly appalled and yet when we see how we let petty differences and irritations fester and become mountains to the point where we claim we no longer can work with other believers and we go about making life hard for them by constantly having an issue with them, by talking them down, and turning others against them, trying to bring ourselves up in others eyes as the holy, spiritually attained, all almost perfect, got it all together, can do virtually no wrong, and in doing that we make it easy for them to walk away, we place defeat and anxiety they were never meant to carry on their shoulders, we make it easy for them to question true christianity, we make it easy for them to fall into depression and despair, we make it easy for them to say this place is not for me, they say this is not at all what I envisioned from God's word what Christ likeness was to be, and we set back with a sigh as another thorn is removed and outta our way, no we don't literally have them done away with or cause them silently disappear from this world forever, but we batter them, we kill their spirit, we belittle and make them to be wounded weary and battle worn .......i wonder if God sees politics in that, instead of being men and woman of prayer and long suffering with each other we find it easy to remove “the problem” and go on with our own agenda......we complain this world needs more men, true stand up and be men, men, and yet when they try we criticize and beat down and condemn the good they try to implant where they have opportunity and men that God calls to do His work walk away defeated, deflated and as unconfidant as small boys.....i wonder how wonderfully our churches would grow and bloom and shine Christ light, how small areas of our world around us would be healed and God's kingdom be more beautifully built if we would put to practice another Bible command and get our eyes off ourselves and our own selfish agendas and personal vendettas and get our focus firmly fixed on the cross and the light and love shining from those three blood stained nails!! I wonder how many priceless relationships we lose by listening to the trash talk about others and instead of investing and building we run and demolish, I wonder how many saints journeys are rougher than God ever intended because we let ourselves and our own personal irritantes of others and quirks get in between us and our cross focus, I wonder if we kill personalities and life because we say we are more and hold ourselves higher as we squash down and snuff out......i wonder if God sees a twisted self centered government like persona over shadowing what we claim is His church........i wonder if He sees His church being selfishly thrown together and underhandedly manned if He sees bricks being tossed aside instead of cemented firmly in place with love, grace, forgiveness, faith, hope ....... I wonder if today I made my Saviour run to His sanctuary and weep............God forgive us, let us keep your cross front and center and self buried!! God help us love and lift up, to hold the hands that hang down, and not crush and toss aside, help us overlook the differences and encourage to shine you and put aside our own agenda and live yours!! give us true reconciliation and Grace......always grace!!

Fall=Eyeore

suddenly, it's fall again! Soooo not ready for this time of year again!! I'm a lover of green!! all shades of green, and spring and summer mean green, in every happy amazing shade. Fall means my happy place is gone, taken away in many senses of the word, and replaced by a dead, brittle cold tomb. the cold cloudy grey starts rolling in and the trees cry big dried up leaf tears every where and everything becomes stark, bare and deathly. one digs out hoodies and warmer pjs and walks around as curled up inside themselves as one can to try and stay warm and shut out the bone grabbing cold and gloomy. I tend to mutate into Eyeore when fall rolls around. eighteen years ago I loved fall, the cool crisp air, fall skies filled with puffy giant clouds and brilliant foliage in an array of festive colors everywhere and it was the season in which I married my best friend and soul mate and began our wonderful life together. every fall would roll around with anticipation of getting away on a mini "honeymoon" and reconnecting and falling in love all over again. ten years of this then boom the fall arrived and the brilliance of fall faded and the season forever turned colder and greyer and so dead! for eight years now fall has become my nemesis, dreaded and heavy. every year I think this time I can get through this and all will be fine and I can look at it as just another seasonal cycle and some how the cloudy, grey and gloomy sneaks in and lassoes unaware and it's a fight to struggle to the surface for fresh air and sunshine. part of the intense struggle is an extreme "homesickness", a longing to travel an hour east and sneak in a secluded back door and find a lone uninhabited sterile room with a squeaky gurney  and curl up in a fetal position with nemo and Thomas pjs and shut out the outside world and bask in the familiar and safe sterile 7west floor of Hershey, and maybe just maybe I'd feel like my happy place is around me and maybe just maybe I could feel my angel boy close by, maybe I could hear him giggle a little bit clearer, smell his warm little cuddly self a little bit more, feel his precious little hand in mine once more. to lay on a Clorox cleaned rattly pillow that blew up with air then hissed a little as you lay down, pulling a starch cloroxy smelling sheet over you and fall asleep to squeaky nurses shoes on waxed floors as they hustle about through the night, the red glow of the pulse ox on his finger, and the dancing lines of heart rates and whatever else is on those many monitors, the drip drip of chemo and fluids running steadily in little boy veins, the code calls and hurry of caretakers to another patients side, the beep of another drip running all, the groggy getting up and pushing a call button for nurse Karly, Kim, Brooke, Collette, or Amanda (his favorites) help, that tiny voice asking for help at 1am. to use the potty, the presence of Doc. giving an update, the room packed with nurses and docs on rounds, the plop of another needle making it's way into a sharps container, the knocking on door and soft hello anyone interested in the snack tray? the smell of disinfect, stale coffee, fried food, purelland popcorn all rolled in one, the whoosh and ding of another elevator and it's rider reaching it's destination, the drone and whirl of the life lion coming in with victim delivery, the sirens of yet another ambulance pulling into the emergency bay, the rolling wheels of the lunch cart making it's way from room to room, the guitar music of Woody and the music therapy of Jan...........this all makes me homesick, it was by no means where we had the best moments of our lives together, but we did make memories, there was so much hard stuff there and painful stuff, but there was also much happy stuff and new friends, it's where faith got stronger, loved ones became dearer, friends came alongside......... I know he's not there, and yet maybe it'd feel a little closer to him, this is where there was the last moments quality life, the last belly laughs and giggles, this was where the last goodbyes started, docs and nurses from radiation and clinic and child-life and social services all came to say goodbye with hugs and kisses, nurses, docs, orderlies and fellow cancer families lined 7west hallway for more hugs and tears and goodbyes on our way out for the last time........  it's these days of fall when the "homesickness" hits hardest, when all the memories come back and the ache is stronger than ever, and the need to go back to where there was life is pulling, and the urge to burrow deep and hibernate is overwhelming and thought of getting in ones vehicle and going with no known destination looks so inviting....it's these days of fall, when it feels like death, that the "homesickness" to feel life like it once was is overpowering, even though it wasn't an easy carefree life...... but it was life, it meant we were still together, still moving forward, still holding to hope and each other. it sounds weird I know to be homesick for a hospital but that was home, and the caregivers became family, and to go back would feel a little closer to Devin in a small way. it's these days of fall when the suffocation of loss and grief crowd in it even seems to put a hazy ugliness over what should be our day to celebrate every year, the day two souls became one, the day I married my love, instead most of our last eight anniversaries are bittersweet, and teary, and we go through the day remembering our tenth when we were bringing Devin home to die and the day after it was suddenly all over...............and this is how fall works for me to....the gloomy rolls in and the anticipation of the upcoming dates are exhausting, feeling like we should celebrate were married eighteen years, but wait how can one celebrate when all one can remember is piece of ones heart being torn apart the next, and the mind goes crazy and everything gets all twisted up and confused and life looks large and dark........but...............over the years God has blessed me with amazing friends, His own handpicked support group just for me and that is priceless!! they don't let me drown or hide or suffocate, they keep me laughing and moving forward all while allowing me to be me, to grieve, to cry, to rant, they send texts and encouragement and give hugs...........so I say if one finds themselves on a sad journey they never expected then it's Heaven sent to have amazing traveling buddies, and with that kind of gift my dreary falls have a bit of my happy around the edges peeking through and as the years go by I have faith that with God and my people those happy edges will get brighter and brighter, thankyou Jesus for your precious gifts, thankyou Jesus.................for fall!!!

Bits and Pieces

a dear friend is one who is willing to sort through the bits and pieces of your life, and find out who you really are and what makes up the person they were attracted to and after discovering pieces of broken relationships, and mistakes and trials and fragmented bits of that grief or hurt or scars still wants to invest in your life because they love you and care for the you that all that mess has made and wants to even then walk with you through whatever else life sends your way, YES!! THAT IS A TRULY DEAR FRIEND!!
 today I took two precious storage totes from my attic and made the short journey to my dear friend P's house. these priceless totes contain bits and pieces of my heart. precious memories burst outta those totes as I opened the lids and began to pull out the contents and show P. these totes were filled to the brim of most of what was left of our Dear Devin's belongings, at least his wearable belongings that is. I had talked of and dreamt of making a quilt with his clothing as a keepsake, cause my mama heart couldn't bear to part with them and to just keep them hidden away seemed so dis-honoring, so like I had packed him away and closed the door to that chapter of our lives, but the energy it took to think of when and where and how to begin a memory quilt up to this point looked to overwhelming, and I dreaded the thought of being surrounded by so many memories, alone, I wanted to do it and it be a fun happy time. well P loved the idea of walking down memory lane with me and mentioned several times of starting the blanket and today we finally did!! and I am pleased beyond words that she is on this journey with me, that she was willing to jump in the middle of my grief path and continue on by my side, even though she never knew Devin personally, that she still cares and wants to know him in every way possible makes my heart warm and I love the chance to talk about him and share him with her. it was great to open the totes again and remember him in different events and scenes of his life, and if I sniffed deeply enough I could almost smell his warm little wiggly self, the sweet smell that was his alone, hard to believe that it's been almost 8 years since he passed and if he was here he'd be celebrating 14 years in February. it wasn't near as hard as I thought it could be to cut up his clothes to make patches for the quilt, and the thought of it gracing my bed makes me warm already :)
as we were cutting and reminiscing and chatting and giggling I thought about how our lives are truly a cutting away and piecing together of so many different things and events. we tend to do the one time glance over and place a judgment call on people at first meeting and we have no idea of their story. I wonder how many precious relationships we kill before they ever get started, how many families fall apart because of a new member brought in no one got to know, how many churches aren't growing cause someone looks a bit different or a morsel was heard through the grapevine.........................................I wonder if we would invest in each other and really listen.....listen to truly hear what has made them who they are, if we wouldn't learn a huge lesson on grace. every life has a story, and every story is made up of a tremendous amount of varying bits and pieces of life. pieces of ended relationships, some by death, others by abandonment, some by betrayal, others by walking away. pieces of hurt, abuse, wrong choices.......bits of disappointment, loss, sickness, depression, bits of infertility, miscarriage, handicap, anxiety..........through all these bits and pieces that make up who we are a lot of time while were giving the once over and hanging a label around their necks we are shutting ourselves off from really investing in and hearing their story, meantime we ourselves are still trying to sort through the bits and pieces of our own confused life and crying for someone to hear us and love us for who we are at this moment. no....we don't have it all together, and yes.... we have made more mistakes than we ever care to admit..................but if we are Christ like and full of grace as we are called to be we'll jump in the middle of each others lives with a heart willing to listen and truly hear and with love and patience to come along and help pick up the bits and pieces, to support in healing the cut ragged edges and making new beautiful lives and relationships. this is what Christ does for us every day, He comes to us over and over in the middle of our broken bits and pieces of fragmented shattered lives and offers grace and healing, takes our hands and walks the journey alongside!
and this is why P has become so dear, she has put up with my weird and bravely said I wanna hear you and waded through my messed up life (yes the hip boots she donned were extra large) to see and love me for me, weird, twisted, weepy and all....and that to me shouts Christ and Grace!!
I know I fail to many times but that's what want to do, I want to truly love still, I want to come alongside, help gather the bits and pieces no matter how messy, odd, different, or shattered, to help make the ugliness beautiful, listen hard, hear for real, I want to do Christ and Grace, and I want do it BIG!!  

TO MEET GOD

I know we all experience them, we all have them jump on us unawares, seemly outta the blue, blindsided, punched in the gut, dark stormy, beat ya down kinda weeks that leave ya breathless, struggling to lift your head above the crashing waves of life. This week was my week, the struggle to keep swimming even though it felt like the currant was pulling me backward, and the muck sucking at my feet, the anchor tied around my middle, weighting down, down, down, suffocating!

And then………………………………..today God met me right in the middle of the messy, suffocating, agonizing, I’m all alone struggle!!!!!!! Why do I doubt Him? That’s so Him to just jump in the thick of ugly and rescue and throw us a lifeline of hope and love and grace!!

Soooo, after a dark, stormy, week, I was so looking forward to spending the day with my best friend. It was like, that breath of fresh air, cool clear mountain water on parched throat, clean sheets after an exhausting day…………. And then……….Miss Ava empties the contents of her little stomach all over herself and more than enough on the shiny leather interior of Daddy’s new truck, not once but TWICE!!!!! So I tearfully text my date for the day to inform her I was putting daddy’s new rig in reverse and with all windows open returning to my dwelling in the boonies! Finally after stripping child and carseat and putting the washer to work, then showering said child for the 2^nd time in 1.5 and disinfecting daddy’s chariot we sat down in front of a kiddie movie, cause mamas not allowed outta site and "memo" and "megunks"  besides mamas arms, are this lil ones favorite happy place.

And then……my first meeting with God happened, He sent me prayers over text from another precious friend praying for me that I would be protected from evil and experience a personal hug from God!! Minutes after I received her text, I meet God again…. I hear someone in my house, so I cautiously get up to investigate and find my day date, my best friend P. standing there with arms open, and bearing gifts of supper and fruit flowers, and a note saying, you are beautiful, normal and loved, and best of all, her heart and ears and more hugs!! Em said, mom, now that’s a true friend!! J I totally agree with her logic! ( and she found me this time back in the sticks without gps!!! Soul friends grow outta the gps need and follow hearts) J and then while we were sharing hearts God said, I’m still here, and He asked one of my dear aunts to text me and she did, and she said, you are beautiful and this comes from the Father!! And she text me blessings and love!!!! and then, God, in my mailbox!!!! snail mail encouragement and love from my bestie!! But the most unexpected place I met God??!! Was at school!!!! You see we send our kids to a private Christian school, and while I’m so thankful for this wonderful school there are things that annoy me, like having to clean it!! I HATE cleaning school!!!!! And I think as mothers with littles, they usually have more than enough to do!! And today with barfy little the last thing I for sure felt like doing was cleaning school! Did I mention I HATE cleaning school??!! Oh, yea, covered that!! Anyway, I grab my gear and find my way to my designated classroom and begin my dreaded chore, but I barely began when lil Miss Ava awoke from her itty bitty nap and wanted only mama, so my dear Em says mom, you hold her I’ll clean J yes God is in her too! So I proceed to rock and sing and pace, and that’s where I met up with God again, and He was smiling!! And He had love notes to me all over those walls!! And this is what they said, (Yes! I’m gonna read my love notes to you! Cause He’s great like that! He’d want me to!! )

#1.  NOTHING CAN SEPARATE YOU FROM MY LOVE! Romans 8:38,39

#2. EVERY LIVING THING BELONGS TO ME! Job 22:10

#3. I HAVE CALLED YOU BY NAME! Isaiah 43:1

#4. I SURROUND YOU WITH MY LOVE! Psalm 32:10

#5. YOU ARE MY CHILD!! SEE HOW VERY MUCH I LOVE YOU, FOR I CALL YOU MY CHILD, AND THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE! 1John 3:1

#6. YOU ARE UNIQUE! MAY YOUR LIGHT SHINE, SO THAT OTHERS WILL SEE THE GOOD THAT YOU DO AND WILL PRAISE ME IN HEAVEN! Matthew 5:16

#7. YOU ARE TALENTED! MY GIFTS OF GRACE COME IN MANY FORMS. EACH OF YOU HAS RECEIVED A GIFT IN ORDER TO SERVE OTHERS….USE IT FAITHFULLY! 1Peter 4:10

#8. REST IN ME!! MATTHEW 11:28

And then the  bestest one was saved for last…….

#9. YOU ARE LOVED!!!!! “FOR THE MOUNTAINS MAY MOVE AND THE HILLS DISAPPEAR, BUT EVEN THEN MY FAITHFUL LOVE FOR YOU WILL REMAIN…..”!!!!!! Isaiah 54:10

I left the school feeling awed that even in the places I dislike I can meet God, that He doesn’t limit himself or us to places out of our league, beyond our reach, or in some distant land or only in certain buildings and church services. That He loves us so much that He meets us willingly in the messy and tangled and ugly and doesn’t toss us aside and say, only when you got your garbage together girl, once your beautiful and worthy! As I was driving the last ¼ mile home and pulling in my drive I smiled again, Mark Shultz was playing on the radio….YOU ARE A CHILD OF MINE!!!!

So I guess to anyone out there that needs a bit of encouragement I’d say, when the words are biting, condemning, judgmental, and so off track they rob you of hope and leave you dazed and confused…..when the rumors fly ugly and vindictive and cruel and untrue…..when it feels like, friends, family, churches, Christians betray, overlook, toss aside, skirt and step around, leave you lonely…….when your told your ugly, lost, deceived and without hope keep your heart open to an opportunity to meet God, It’s awesome, however I’ll admit when the dark, stifling, battles hit that’s not an easy goal to keep in focus, but maybe that’s when it’s even more heartwarming, to crawl exhausted and hopeless on shore and tiredly open your eyes and look into light, into the face of HOPE, GRACE and LOVE……..ALWAYS LOVE!!! Always God waiting to meet us…..in the ugly, the hurt, the messy, the dark and the garbage……..waiting with HOPE, GRACE, and LOVE……..ALWAYS LOVE!!

Glow On!!

cannot believe summertime is winding down already and school starting is almost here. AM! NOT! READY! for summer to be over! feels like I haven't had enough time with my kids and hubby and camping with friends and chasing fire flies and swimming and hanging out with my friends and............
am so thankful for work and a paycheck that hubby brings in, but..... man he's been working like a crazy man, and working like a crazy man means longer work days, more crashing on the couch after supper, less together time. and me being all needy like, misses that together time like everything, however if I can keep my focus on the thankfulness part, and remember, he's physically able to work, (and life in that way could have been so different) and remember there are those who want to work and can't find it and would do anything for a paycheck, to remember there are those who would love to have someone to miss, to watch snooze on the couch after a big day.
anyway this summer in all it's crazy fly by quickness, has had a lot of great memories, pool dates with besties, beach camping with awesome peoples, fourth of July family shindigs, and celebrations with friends, family campout weekends, campfire evenings, and Sunday worship in nature.
in a lot of these activities we've enjoyed there has been a certain object that has participated in these events, and the working and design of these little guys has kinda stuck with me and spoke to me how very much us and them and life is kinda the same, an this little guy is the, "GLOW STICK"
fourth of july we had glowsticks that were red, white, and blue, some that were hats, glasses, balls, wands and some that you created and did what you wanted with them. family campouts we had striped ones and ones with designs and words and all manner of craziness. these things continue to be a huge source of entertainment for kids, as soon as the dark starts to creep in when were camping the kids start to begging for the glow sticks, they decorate their bikes, and their tents, make scary monster like faces and some even break them and smear the glowy liquid on surrounding surfaces, or their clothes or unsuspecting victims within their reach. these cheap little guys have proved to be hours of joyful entertainment for kids! (ok, for the adults too!) :) as I think about these fascinating little sticks, it dawns on me that there is a tiny glow like cast to some of them when you first get them outta the package but when they glow their best and brightest is after they've been taken outta there currant safe surroundings and are broken and shaken up.........and there is where my mind sits and spins and sees my own self, and I wonder if my glow is at it's maximum potential, or if all the breaking and shaking in my life, if all the unfamiliar territory, the breaking open and pouring out, has been for nothing, if as time goes by quickly like summer I'm allowing the glow to fade.
I know my Heavenly Father hates to see me hurt, and grieve and stumble, I know my Heavenly Father doesn't cause these the breaks and shaking ups in my life, but I also know that He allows me to experience them, and carries me faithfully through them, even though I so often let go of His hand He's always waiting to take it again when I'm done running ahead. And I know that through the the breaking, shaking, and pouring out He allows us to go through He wants us to come out GLOWING for Him, to glow up the atmosphere around us with His love and faithfulness, to pass the glow on to others around us that are hurting, suffering, broken, to pour out our glow to "unsuspecting victims" He allows us to meet on our own personal glow run as we go about our life. To not toss aside the broken and shaken uptimes and let it fade but to carry on and Glow to our fullest potential. we never know when we glow fully for Him when even just a smile or kind gesture or word will change someones day and will pass the glow on!
I know life is so full of pain and questions, there's relationship struggles in churches and homes, friendships gone south and your left wondering how and why, betrayal of people you thought were there for you, people you thought were real and you find out are so fake, there's backstabbing and gossip and tearing down, there's saying goodby to loved ones and being stoned with grief, and marriages struggling and falling apart........................and all this cause our glow to feel stifled and faded and we wonder if it be easier to toss it ...... but......My Heavenly Father says, come take my hand again, I'll be here every step, you've got this girl!! Trust, let my me and my love be the pouring out and GLOW ON!!  for this my dear girl is the maximum glowing, the pouring out of my love, of my grace, my strength to you, bask in it, glow up your world and pass it on!!      

If God Has A Wallet.....

today I feel old.....tired.....sooo tired..... there's so many life questions I'd love to have answered. there are some days I wish I could text (yes, text, I'm not a big phone conversationalist, just ask any of my besties :) God and say, hey, you got time for a coffee and a chat? cause this girl of yours is needing a listening ear......and yes!! I know some of you are probably thinking well duh!! you can talk to him anytime anywhere about anything, I get that, I do, however there are just sometimes that the need to connect face to face would just be so much more satisfying, and maybe it's that longing to be bodily in his presence cause then maybe I could actually lay my tired head on his shoulder or feel his arms around me, carrying......I know I'm probably not the normal soul some of you are but I'm more the huggy, touchy, type and yes sometimes I stop at friends houses not just to check on them or conversation but because I know I'll get a warm huggy welcome and if I'm lucky another one for the road....and I know that sounds seriously needy....no it's not, well, OK, maybe it is, but I don't care :) it is so refreshing and makes me feel like I can face the days ahead cause I'm loved and needed and mean something to my friends. in spite of an exhausting week of unscheduled Dr. appointments and blood work and cat scans and in the end a physically short but emotionally exhausting hospital stay I can say it's been a week of God Hugs. there have been friends that have stopped by the hospital, sent flowers, given gifts, texts to check in say they care or are praying.....one friend in particular who I don't see often at all comes to mind, she was going to be visiting someone else in the hospital and saw on fb about us being in and thought it was surely the same one so made a point to look us up to deliver a hug and a frappe and to me it felt so much like a Hug from heaven, that God cared so much about me that he orchestrated the circumstances so she could bless me in an exhausting moment. there's still a ton of stuff I'd like to discuss with him over coffee but I have felt cared for and carried. I'm still tired and a whole lot might not get done around here today but guess what, it'll be here for me tomorrow. my dear friend from Montana was with us last Saturday till Tuesday morning. we always have a wonderful time together, although every time we lament that it wasn't long enough, and the goodbyes are the worst, but I can usually figure on finding at least one random note stuck somewhere in the house to surprise me later on. and I'm sure she did it with a tee-hee-hee thought in her head of me finding this at some point and remembering our great times together, but this time because of my hectic rest of the week I just felt like they were seriously hugs from God handed me at the right moment. the first one i found on my fridge on Wednesday after I had taken Em to the Dr for sharp abdominal pain and was home dealing with strangers purchasing our old camper, and it made me tear up a bit cause I miss her like crazy but mostly it made me giggle....a lot. the second one I found on Saturday, after I made myself get up and make breakfast, I wanted so badly to crawl back into bed and forget there was little people that needed my attention, but, I went to the laundry room instead to tackle the Everest sized pile of laundry that had planted itself there while I was running hither and yon camping out at the hospital with Em and her appendicitis surgery. I finally got my mountain sorted out and had the first load of laundry in ready to go and I pulled open the little drawer to put in my fabric softener and was surprised to not only find a sparkly gunk free drawer but a note folded up inside plastic wrap. it was at the moment I needed it most....it said something more or less along the lines of, love and prayers as you tackle the hum drum things of life, I love you! the tears that were near the surface minutes before that turned into smiles, I couldn't help it, I was like wow, I'm sure she had no clue when she put it there that I would find it at a time I desperately needed a pick me up, but God did and he planned that hug for just the right moment. and that I just love!! it's not my time to have coffee with God, but he lets me know he's carrying me helping me always by my side with little hugs like this along my life's path. I love the saying, if God had a wallet, my picture would be in it! He loves us and loves our relationship with him so much, he never leaves us alone in spite of how imperfect we are, in spite of the fact that we are flawed and unworthy. this week being Easter the story of Christ was on my mind a lot and I thought about his relationship with the disciples and how they were such normal people. they were considered Christ's friends, and he ate with them, kept company with them, was seen with them, prayed with them, yet they were so human so flawed, yet he still never tossed them aside and said they weren't good enough for him. one doubted him, another denied him, another betrayed him......but he still said, you are my friends, my disciples. so encouraging to me when I feel weak in my faith, when I feel overwhelmed and about to collapse, when I feel like I've done nothing all week but mess up.....at the end of the day he still calls me his daughter, he still carries my picture proudly in his wallet. I know there are days that life is all consuming and I get tunnel vision and can only see the mountain in front of me but I also believe we are given hugs from heaven, God moments, oftener than we take the time to realize. when the lab called and said blood work came back and her white blood count was off and they ordered a ct scan for next day, my mind went crazy. it felt so much like 8 years ago when we found out Devin had cancer, then when we went for the ct scan it was like I was being asked to relive that. they told me to wait in the waiting area until they read the scans and the doctor got back to me, then they said well, the doc wants to do another scan with iv dye, so while they were prepping her for that I'm sitting there trying to force myself not to freak out, then the nurse comes in and says were not gonna do that now the Dr. says he has enough evidence and that we should wait in the waiting area until they call, finally they call and say could come into this room the Dr wants to talk to you............8 yrs ago at this point it was then time for boarding the longest roller coaster ride we ever imagined......we found a mass..........
but......this time it was, well its a good thing we did the ct scan your daughter has appendicitis, its early diagnosis which is what we like, there is no perforation or bursting but it must come out right away, I could feel myself, let out the air I was holding in, OK we can do this, this is simple, run of the mill, short term, doctoring......at that moment I felt like I was handed a hug from heaven, it wasn't cancer!!!! and the whole time I was in there waiting I had a few friends and family texting me payers, support, offering to come.......carrying us!!
were on his radar at all times, I love that!!! and he uses others in our lives to bless us, help us on, encourage us, hug us!!
my prayer is that I don't miss any of the God moments, hugs from heaven he sends my way, and that I in turn would be willing to be used as a delivery agent in blessing someone elses journey with moments like these or hugs when needed! 

The Care Package

this week I had the privilege of spending time with my dear friend Sarah. I had a doctor appointment not far from her place so she graciously drove there to meet me then took Miss Ava with her while I was in the doctor. after my appointment there I drove to Sarah's place where I was, as usual, greeted with warmth and hugs and all around made to feel like I was the most important person in the world. she fed me a scrumptious lunch and while we enjoyed that we talked and giggled and ranted and got misty eyed, you know all those special things girl friends do when they are together, and then she  again opened her heart and home and gave up hours of doing things for her family and home to care for Miss Ava while mama went for some lab work. after this I came back to her house to pick up my little Ava love to find the dear lady had made coffee and had a to go cup and all the wonderful fixings I love in my coffee ready and waiting for me to take with to keep alert and awake and SANE!! I left there with a hug and a smile and the feeling of refreshment and thankfulness that God created friends who connect and want relationships and are okay with needing each other and being there for each other no matter what the "forecast" in life is predicting or showering on you at any given moment. from Sarah's I headed down to Greenville Delaware to another dear friends place. My friend Susan and I have been together through much sunshine and mucho manure pits!!!!! TOTALLY SERIOUS!! but that would require a book...and who has the time, or a decent publisher?!! anyway, Susan, when I arrive, always runs out the door to my vehicle and waits with open arms while I extract my travel weary body from the confines of my seat belt and as soon as the door opens and I'm free I'm engulfed in a warm welcoming hug complete with a kiss and from that moment on Miss Ava and I are cared for like royalty!! we are cared for and catered to and loved on in this house by this dear friend from the moment we arrive until we say goodbye, and always assured that we are welcome to come as often as we like, stay as long as we choose and help ourselves to whatever we need, even if she would not be home, it's always open to our use as our home away from home. blessed I am indeed, with friends such as these two dear hearts, but they are only two, I have so many more precious soul sisters, heart friends, besties if you will, that have been a gift to my life, key friend hearts. they come in all shapes, sizes, colors, backgrounds, and personalities each one has played an important role in my care and well being at whatever time our relationship started, at whatever crossroad, storm, moment of rejoicing, or weeping, etc. that my journey took me at that precise moment. there are some friends who are still very dear though I rarely see them. and theres some friends who were only for a season however long or short they were put in my life, not that we don't like each other but our paths are different, we are at different points in our life where maybe we don't have quite as much in common or responsibilities of various natures take us down different roads. I have friends who've stood quietly by as rock solid support systems, friends that have encouraged me to try new things, be daring, adventurous, (Paula, that one has your name all over it I believe :) friends that have encouraged me that it'll be OK, yes your old she said but your strong enough to do this and be OK, then one day while camping she took me by the hand and dragged me to a gas station where we stocked up on cherry coke, Dr. pepper, ice cream and threw in a pregnancy test. ( OK sorry, Beth, I don't remember you saying I was old, but I'm sure you were thinking it, wink wink) :) anyway we tried to keep from busting up and we couldn't quite meet the cashiers eye but to me it was huge that my friend was willing to push me to get results instead of freaking out. we saved the freaking out till after she dropped me off at the campground restroom and read the test!! all these things in our journey of life, all these big and not so big moments make up who we are and become, they literally can make us or break us and having tried and true REAL soul sisters by your side to face each moment can be a key factor to how you will emotionally, mentally physically handle life. I mean it's so much more painless picking up the pieces with a heart friend when a moment breaks us than doing it alone, it's so much more beautiful and momentous rejoicing over a "make us" moment with a true kindred spirit than grinning quietly by yourself. I know I'm a needy soul, I'm not to big to admit that, :) but I truly am thankful for each friend I've been given, Laura I can always count on to up for a coffee and chat and encouragement, my friend Jo from waaaaayyyyy, yes!! WAAAYYYY!! out in Montana is always ready to chat, can read me like a book and can without fail make me laugh. Miriam, is rock solid, always there with hugs and random I love you friend texts when I need them even after weeks of not seeing each other, another one of those friends that have waded through many flooded raging waters with...Jamie, one of the best gifts given to me out of the ugliness of cancer, one who can understand the hurt and tears in a way most others can't, one who brightens my world with, hi sister, love you texts.....  ahhhh the list goes on, each one of these dear girls, (and so many more I haven't named) were heaven sent, put into my life as a gift, a care package, if you will, from God himself to help me navigate this journey of life. I know without a doubt I would be a lost miserable lonely soul without each one of them. and the most beautiful part of this is none of them made me go through a ritual or ceremony to be their friends, it was never a as long as being friends with you benefits me attitude, no, each one loved me accepted me chose to be my friend for me!! (told you I was blessed :)
when I think of these relationships, friendships, soul connections, I wonder at times if this is not how Christ longs for the church to look. I wonder if Christ looks at His church, and by His church I don't mean like the church I/you attend, I mean the body of Christ, those who have chosen Him, the true church, I wonder if He longs for that church to be the "care package" to, not just the world, but also to those who are put in our path, Christian or non Christian that are hurting, lost , lonely, struggling, seeking....... personally I think we make church to complicated, we think it's all about membership and numbers, we don't accept folks and use their gifts unless they go through certain ceremonies and rituals and are then pronounced qualified to earn a place in a book proclaiming to whoever would pick up the book and read it that these people are this church. Christ said if you believe on me you are my church! and with that relationship with him comes the responsibility of being a part of the care package.  being part of Christ's church, His care package should look like........a haven for the wondering, a lighthouse for the lost, salve for the wounded, bread for the hungry, comfort for the grieving, a hand up for the fallen, water for the parched, a map for the confused, rest for the weary, sight for the blind, healing for the broken, family to the alone.......I think to many times we look at people and all we see is baggage and ugliness and brokenness and issues and we immediately turn the other way and say well this is "our church" and we don't want messy stuff and trouble and it looks to big and ugly so that's not welcome here and we can't have it and won't allow it cause it could cause a stir, and what would people think and well it's just to messy, and we walk away, or turn them away and people are left to continue in their hurt and brokenness, and neediness......that to me is so sad, cause I hate to be the bearer of bad news but, hello people who claim to be of Christ, we ALL have issues and baggage and ugliness!!! we all have pasts, and scars and hurts, yes, I know some of us worse than others, but,  it is after all a part of living in this world, and it is the reason why our dear Lord came to the cross!! for people like us, for people just like we want to ignore, and sometimes, yes, it's us who are already part of the body of Christ that find they need the care package to be there for them! the road of death and loss and sickness and fire and near paralysis and miscarriage would have been infinitely longer and darker had we not had Christ people, soul sisters, heart friends there to pick up the pieces with us, to take our hand, to light our way, and no......they were not all members of the church we attended, they were from all walks of faith, but the goal was the same and they were still part of the "THE CHURCH"!! Christ said, repent, believe and be baptized..... we say, repent, believe, and after we feel you've met and went through all the right procedures and rituals, and if you don't have to much baggage, and if we feel your worthy and your life's not to messy, you'll be baptized and in doing that you become a member of the church.......complications, why do we do this to ourselves?? why can't we take God's word as His word, and not add or take away from it!! why do we put conditions on people and pass judgments and criticize.... Christ's only requirement of us in our ugliness and messed upness was, repent and believe!! so many times we get so caught up I believe in building up the church building by numbers of members we forget were apart of this wonderful care package....we get caught up in requirements and differences of opinions and ways of doing and seeing things, that the part of being a care package is all but forgotten, the church, it's not to be about us at all, but about Christ, but because ourselves and our image and agenda get in the way the hands and feet of Christ are crippled, his light is so dimmed it's of very little use....and we end up making it look so impossible and hard that people say, yea, nah, not for me......that's sad to, cause God's love for us his wanting a relationship with us is not complicated, its simple childlike faith, yes it takes a daily working, but it's simply beautiful!! I just think about our experiences in life and shiver to think about how many times those who are my dearest friends could have said, yea, nah, her life looks to messy, to much baggage, to many issues, so I ain't going there!! or they could have said you know what.... you get this taken care of, get over this, move on from that, then check back and I'll decide than if your worth enough to me or have covered my itinerary good enough to be associated with......or they could have said, on this we differ on, this here I don't agree with, and you allow this and I never did so we can't be friends...NOOO, instead they opened up their hearts and arms and welcomed and blessed me warts, scars, blemishes and all, no questions asked!!  THAT IS A CARE PACKAGE FROM CHRIST!! THAT IS CHURCH!! that is healing, cleansing, binding up the wounded, picking up the fallen!! that is being the hands and feet of Christ, getting in and getting dirty, being OK with the ugly and messy and scary! being ok with being different, having the guts to be real, and the honesty to be ok with a differing of opinions on the here nor there differences and issues......
To all my dear soul sisters, for accepting me as I am, loving me unconditionally no strings attached no requirements, for being willing to be used, to be a part of an amazing care package given me..... I thank my God every day upon every remembrance of you!! I only pray, too, that I in turn can be the care package for  someone else some day on their journey, whatever that may be!! we all have a different path were called to travel but God allowed our paths to cross for such a time as this, and for that I'm thankful! 

Carried Home.....Goodbye Grandma

thanks to my dear friend Beth :) for giving me help on what i was doing wrong that my pics and stuff wouldn't load i decided to edit this post and still add it....
                                                   

Monday January 13, 2014..... woke up today remembering 7 years ago when grief was still very fresh on our minds from burying Devin and getting an unexpected phone call saying my dear mother in law had passed away in her sleep, 3 months to the day after Devin died. Well, today was another goodbye, my dear grandma, 6months and 1day after her heart attack the angels carried her home. she will be greatly missed....I had the blessing of sitting with her and caring for her quite a few times the last 6 months, I always came away so glad I went even though there were days that I thought there were plenty of other things I should get done. I realize more and more it doesn't matter the age or situation the more goodbyes you say seems the harder it gets. although I've also realized that the more you watch them suffer the more you find yourself ready to release them to Jesus even though you know the pain of grief and missing them is gonna follow. I was so blessed to be there when grandma took her last breath. her room was filled with many of her children and their spouses, and a few grandchildren, someone was constantly holding her hand, there was love and tears and laughter and peace and caring and singing and hugs and angels and Jesus. as she was taking her last breath there was smiles and hallelujah she's with Jesus and she's pain free while the tears flowed and the missing her already started. but......none of us would wish her back, back to pain and brokenness, and confinement to her small corner of her house, back to dependence on others and sitting, sleeping, eating, repeating. yes there will be days when we long for one more of grandmas kisses.....(a couple of us granddaughters were talking one day about how she had the sweetest and best kisses, she'd take your face in her hands and kiss your cheek and say I love you, always made me feel treasured) one more time of her telling us she was praying, there will be times her children will wish to hear her voice one more time, or drive by and see her at the kitchen table, or hear her sweet voice singing. (just one week ago when I sat with her during sunday morning she was singing each step I take and it was beautiful) but.....in spite of all the times we'll long for her, when we think of her hand in hand again with grandpa after 11 years, reunited with her parents and her siblings and her grand and great grandchildren, singing with the angels, seeing Jesus, free from pain and tears....when we think of all that then the thought of wanting her back is never an option and we realize we hold each other pick up the pieces and journey on. one of the last times I sat with her she was snoozing a lot and the one time she awoke she said you know I keep thinking maybe this time when I go to sleep ill wake up in heaven! Well grandma you got your wish!! I say what a way to start out the new year!!!  Grandma you will be missed so much but I thank you for loving us all and for being a true Christian example! yes we'll have many more tears, but its because we have loved and we feel the tearing apart but its ok its cleansing and a tiny start toward moving on, picking up, piecing together, not forgetting...never forgetting....but healing, going forward!! We love you Grandma!!
                                                         

                                    for those of you wondering, her funeral arrangements are.......
                                     
                     viewing 2-4pm and 6-8pm Friday January 17,2014 and funeral 10am January 18,2014
                                   both events held at Blue Ridge Mennonite Church, Carlisle, Pa.