today I feel old.....tired.....sooo tired..... there's so many life questions I'd love to have answered. there are some days I wish I could text (yes, text, I'm not a big phone conversationalist, just ask any of my besties :) God and say, hey, you got time for a coffee and a chat? cause this girl of yours is needing a listening ear......and yes!! I know some of you are probably thinking well duh!! you can talk to him anytime anywhere about anything, I get that, I do, however there are just sometimes that the need to connect face to face would just be so much more satisfying, and maybe it's that longing to be bodily in his presence cause then maybe I could actually lay my tired head on his shoulder or feel his arms around me, carrying......I know I'm probably not the normal soul some of you are but I'm more the huggy, touchy, type and yes sometimes I stop at friends houses not just to check on them or conversation but because I know I'll get a warm huggy welcome and if I'm lucky another one for the road....and I know that sounds seriously needy....no it's not, well, OK, maybe it is, but I don't care :) it is so refreshing and makes me feel like I can face the days ahead cause I'm loved and needed and mean something to my friends. in spite of an exhausting week of unscheduled Dr. appointments and blood work and cat scans and in the end a physically short but emotionally exhausting hospital stay I can say it's been a week of God Hugs. there have been friends that have stopped by the hospital, sent flowers, given gifts, texts to check in say they care or are praying.....one friend in particular who I don't see often at all comes to mind, she was going to be visiting someone else in the hospital and saw on fb about us being in and thought it was surely the same one so made a point to look us up to deliver a hug and a frappe and to me it felt so much like a Hug from heaven, that God cared so much about me that he orchestrated the circumstances so she could bless me in an exhausting moment. there's still a ton of stuff I'd like to discuss with him over coffee but I have felt cared for and carried. I'm still tired and a whole lot might not get done around here today but guess what, it'll be here for me tomorrow. my dear friend from Montana was with us last Saturday till Tuesday morning. we always have a wonderful time together, although every time we lament that it wasn't long enough, and the goodbyes are the worst, but I can usually figure on finding at least one random note stuck somewhere in the house to surprise me later on. and I'm sure she did it with a tee-hee-hee thought in her head of me finding this at some point and remembering our great times together, but this time because of my hectic rest of the week I just felt like they were seriously hugs from God handed me at the right moment. the first one i found on my fridge on Wednesday after I had taken Em to the Dr for sharp abdominal pain and was home dealing with strangers purchasing our old camper, and it made me tear up a bit cause I miss her like crazy but mostly it made me giggle....a lot. the second one I found on Saturday, after I made myself get up and make breakfast, I wanted so badly to crawl back into bed and forget there was little people that needed my attention, but, I went to the laundry room instead to tackle the Everest sized pile of laundry that had planted itself there while I was running hither and yon camping out at the hospital with Em and her appendicitis surgery. I finally got my mountain sorted out and had the first load of laundry in ready to go and I pulled open the little drawer to put in my fabric softener and was surprised to not only find a sparkly gunk free drawer but a note folded up inside plastic wrap. it was at the moment I needed it most....it said something more or less along the lines of, love and prayers as you tackle the hum drum things of life, I love you! the tears that were near the surface minutes before that turned into smiles, I couldn't help it, I was like wow, I'm sure she had no clue when she put it there that I would find it at a time I desperately needed a pick me up, but God did and he planned that hug for just the right moment. and that I just love!! it's not my time to have coffee with God, but he lets me know he's carrying me helping me always by my side with little hugs like this along my life's path. I love the saying, if God had a wallet, my picture would be in it! He loves us and loves our relationship with him so much, he never leaves us alone in spite of how imperfect we are, in spite of the fact that we are flawed and unworthy. this week being Easter the story of Christ was on my mind a lot and I thought about his relationship with the disciples and how they were such normal people. they were considered Christ's friends, and he ate with them, kept company with them, was seen with them, prayed with them, yet they were so human so flawed, yet he still never tossed them aside and said they weren't good enough for him. one doubted him, another denied him, another betrayed him......but he still said, you are my friends, my disciples. so encouraging to me when I feel weak in my faith, when I feel overwhelmed and about to collapse, when I feel like I've done nothing all week but mess up.....at the end of the day he still calls me his daughter, he still carries my picture proudly in his wallet. I know there are days that life is all consuming and I get tunnel vision and can only see the mountain in front of me but I also believe we are given hugs from heaven, God moments, oftener than we take the time to realize. when the lab called and said blood work came back and her white blood count was off and they ordered a ct scan for next day, my mind went crazy. it felt so much like 8 years ago when we found out Devin had cancer, then when we went for the ct scan it was like I was being asked to relive that. they told me to wait in the waiting area until they read the scans and the doctor got back to me, then they said well, the doc wants to do another scan with iv dye, so while they were prepping her for that I'm sitting there trying to force myself not to freak out, then the nurse comes in and says were not gonna do that now the Dr. says he has enough evidence and that we should wait in the waiting area until they call, finally they call and say could come into this room the Dr wants to talk to you............8 yrs ago at this point it was then time for boarding the longest roller coaster ride we ever imagined......we found a mass..........
but......this time it was, well its a good thing we did the ct scan your daughter has appendicitis, its early diagnosis which is what we like, there is no perforation or bursting but it must come out right away, I could feel myself, let out the air I was holding in, OK we can do this, this is simple, run of the mill, short term, doctoring......at that moment I felt like I was handed a hug from heaven, it wasn't cancer!!!! and the whole time I was in there waiting I had a few friends and family texting me payers, support, offering to come.......carrying us!!
were on his radar at all times, I love that!!! and he uses others in our lives to bless us, help us on, encourage us, hug us!!
my prayer is that I don't miss any of the God moments, hugs from heaven he sends my way, and that I in turn would be willing to be used as a delivery agent in blessing someone elses journey with moments like these or hugs when needed!
