Bits and Pieces

a dear friend is one who is willing to sort through the bits and pieces of your life, and find out who you really are and what makes up the person they were attracted to and after discovering pieces of broken relationships, and mistakes and trials and fragmented bits of that grief or hurt or scars still wants to invest in your life because they love you and care for the you that all that mess has made and wants to even then walk with you through whatever else life sends your way, YES!! THAT IS A TRULY DEAR FRIEND!!
 today I took two precious storage totes from my attic and made the short journey to my dear friend P's house. these priceless totes contain bits and pieces of my heart. precious memories burst outta those totes as I opened the lids and began to pull out the contents and show P. these totes were filled to the brim of most of what was left of our Dear Devin's belongings, at least his wearable belongings that is. I had talked of and dreamt of making a quilt with his clothing as a keepsake, cause my mama heart couldn't bear to part with them and to just keep them hidden away seemed so dis-honoring, so like I had packed him away and closed the door to that chapter of our lives, but the energy it took to think of when and where and how to begin a memory quilt up to this point looked to overwhelming, and I dreaded the thought of being surrounded by so many memories, alone, I wanted to do it and it be a fun happy time. well P loved the idea of walking down memory lane with me and mentioned several times of starting the blanket and today we finally did!! and I am pleased beyond words that she is on this journey with me, that she was willing to jump in the middle of my grief path and continue on by my side, even though she never knew Devin personally, that she still cares and wants to know him in every way possible makes my heart warm and I love the chance to talk about him and share him with her. it was great to open the totes again and remember him in different events and scenes of his life, and if I sniffed deeply enough I could almost smell his warm little wiggly self, the sweet smell that was his alone, hard to believe that it's been almost 8 years since he passed and if he was here he'd be celebrating 14 years in February. it wasn't near as hard as I thought it could be to cut up his clothes to make patches for the quilt, and the thought of it gracing my bed makes me warm already :)
as we were cutting and reminiscing and chatting and giggling I thought about how our lives are truly a cutting away and piecing together of so many different things and events. we tend to do the one time glance over and place a judgment call on people at first meeting and we have no idea of their story. I wonder how many precious relationships we kill before they ever get started, how many families fall apart because of a new member brought in no one got to know, how many churches aren't growing cause someone looks a bit different or a morsel was heard through the grapevine.........................................I wonder if we would invest in each other and really listen.....listen to truly hear what has made them who they are, if we wouldn't learn a huge lesson on grace. every life has a story, and every story is made up of a tremendous amount of varying bits and pieces of life. pieces of ended relationships, some by death, others by abandonment, some by betrayal, others by walking away. pieces of hurt, abuse, wrong choices.......bits of disappointment, loss, sickness, depression, bits of infertility, miscarriage, handicap, anxiety..........through all these bits and pieces that make up who we are a lot of time while were giving the once over and hanging a label around their necks we are shutting ourselves off from really investing in and hearing their story, meantime we ourselves are still trying to sort through the bits and pieces of our own confused life and crying for someone to hear us and love us for who we are at this moment. no....we don't have it all together, and yes.... we have made more mistakes than we ever care to admit..................but if we are Christ like and full of grace as we are called to be we'll jump in the middle of each others lives with a heart willing to listen and truly hear and with love and patience to come along and help pick up the bits and pieces, to support in healing the cut ragged edges and making new beautiful lives and relationships. this is what Christ does for us every day, He comes to us over and over in the middle of our broken bits and pieces of fragmented shattered lives and offers grace and healing, takes our hands and walks the journey alongside!
and this is why P has become so dear, she has put up with my weird and bravely said I wanna hear you and waded through my messed up life (yes the hip boots she donned were extra large) to see and love me for me, weird, twisted, weepy and all....and that to me shouts Christ and Grace!!
I know I fail to many times but that's what want to do, I want to truly love still, I want to come alongside, help gather the bits and pieces no matter how messy, odd, different, or shattered, to help make the ugliness beautiful, listen hard, hear for real, I want to do Christ and Grace, and I want do it BIG!!  

TO MEET GOD

I know we all experience them, we all have them jump on us unawares, seemly outta the blue, blindsided, punched in the gut, dark stormy, beat ya down kinda weeks that leave ya breathless, struggling to lift your head above the crashing waves of life. This week was my week, the struggle to keep swimming even though it felt like the currant was pulling me backward, and the muck sucking at my feet, the anchor tied around my middle, weighting down, down, down, suffocating!

And then………………………………..today God met me right in the middle of the messy, suffocating, agonizing, I’m all alone struggle!!!!!!! Why do I doubt Him? That’s so Him to just jump in the thick of ugly and rescue and throw us a lifeline of hope and love and grace!!

Soooo, after a dark, stormy, week, I was so looking forward to spending the day with my best friend. It was like, that breath of fresh air, cool clear mountain water on parched throat, clean sheets after an exhausting day…………. And then……….Miss Ava empties the contents of her little stomach all over herself and more than enough on the shiny leather interior of Daddy’s new truck, not once but TWICE!!!!! So I tearfully text my date for the day to inform her I was putting daddy’s new rig in reverse and with all windows open returning to my dwelling in the boonies! Finally after stripping child and carseat and putting the washer to work, then showering said child for the 2^nd time in 1.5 and disinfecting daddy’s chariot we sat down in front of a kiddie movie, cause mamas not allowed outta site and "memo" and "megunks"  besides mamas arms, are this lil ones favorite happy place.

And then……my first meeting with God happened, He sent me prayers over text from another precious friend praying for me that I would be protected from evil and experience a personal hug from God!! Minutes after I received her text, I meet God again…. I hear someone in my house, so I cautiously get up to investigate and find my day date, my best friend P. standing there with arms open, and bearing gifts of supper and fruit flowers, and a note saying, you are beautiful, normal and loved, and best of all, her heart and ears and more hugs!! Em said, mom, now that’s a true friend!! J I totally agree with her logic! ( and she found me this time back in the sticks without gps!!! Soul friends grow outta the gps need and follow hearts) J and then while we were sharing hearts God said, I’m still here, and He asked one of my dear aunts to text me and she did, and she said, you are beautiful and this comes from the Father!! And she text me blessings and love!!!! and then, God, in my mailbox!!!! snail mail encouragement and love from my bestie!! But the most unexpected place I met God??!! Was at school!!!! You see we send our kids to a private Christian school, and while I’m so thankful for this wonderful school there are things that annoy me, like having to clean it!! I HATE cleaning school!!!!! And I think as mothers with littles, they usually have more than enough to do!! And today with barfy little the last thing I for sure felt like doing was cleaning school! Did I mention I HATE cleaning school??!! Oh, yea, covered that!! Anyway, I grab my gear and find my way to my designated classroom and begin my dreaded chore, but I barely began when lil Miss Ava awoke from her itty bitty nap and wanted only mama, so my dear Em says mom, you hold her I’ll clean J yes God is in her too! So I proceed to rock and sing and pace, and that’s where I met up with God again, and He was smiling!! And He had love notes to me all over those walls!! And this is what they said, (Yes! I’m gonna read my love notes to you! Cause He’s great like that! He’d want me to!! )

#1.  NOTHING CAN SEPARATE YOU FROM MY LOVE! Romans 8:38,39

#2. EVERY LIVING THING BELONGS TO ME! Job 22:10

#3. I HAVE CALLED YOU BY NAME! Isaiah 43:1

#4. I SURROUND YOU WITH MY LOVE! Psalm 32:10

#5. YOU ARE MY CHILD!! SEE HOW VERY MUCH I LOVE YOU, FOR I CALL YOU MY CHILD, AND THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE! 1John 3:1

#6. YOU ARE UNIQUE! MAY YOUR LIGHT SHINE, SO THAT OTHERS WILL SEE THE GOOD THAT YOU DO AND WILL PRAISE ME IN HEAVEN! Matthew 5:16

#7. YOU ARE TALENTED! MY GIFTS OF GRACE COME IN MANY FORMS. EACH OF YOU HAS RECEIVED A GIFT IN ORDER TO SERVE OTHERS….USE IT FAITHFULLY! 1Peter 4:10

#8. REST IN ME!! MATTHEW 11:28

And then the  bestest one was saved for last…….

#9. YOU ARE LOVED!!!!! “FOR THE MOUNTAINS MAY MOVE AND THE HILLS DISAPPEAR, BUT EVEN THEN MY FAITHFUL LOVE FOR YOU WILL REMAIN…..”!!!!!! Isaiah 54:10

I left the school feeling awed that even in the places I dislike I can meet God, that He doesn’t limit himself or us to places out of our league, beyond our reach, or in some distant land or only in certain buildings and church services. That He loves us so much that He meets us willingly in the messy and tangled and ugly and doesn’t toss us aside and say, only when you got your garbage together girl, once your beautiful and worthy! As I was driving the last ¼ mile home and pulling in my drive I smiled again, Mark Shultz was playing on the radio….YOU ARE A CHILD OF MINE!!!!

So I guess to anyone out there that needs a bit of encouragement I’d say, when the words are biting, condemning, judgmental, and so off track they rob you of hope and leave you dazed and confused…..when the rumors fly ugly and vindictive and cruel and untrue…..when it feels like, friends, family, churches, Christians betray, overlook, toss aside, skirt and step around, leave you lonely…….when your told your ugly, lost, deceived and without hope keep your heart open to an opportunity to meet God, It’s awesome, however I’ll admit when the dark, stifling, battles hit that’s not an easy goal to keep in focus, but maybe that’s when it’s even more heartwarming, to crawl exhausted and hopeless on shore and tiredly open your eyes and look into light, into the face of HOPE, GRACE and LOVE……..ALWAYS LOVE!!! Always God waiting to meet us…..in the ugly, the hurt, the messy, the dark and the garbage……..waiting with HOPE, GRACE, and LOVE……..ALWAYS LOVE!!