Fall=Eyeore

suddenly, it's fall again! Soooo not ready for this time of year again!! I'm a lover of green!! all shades of green, and spring and summer mean green, in every happy amazing shade. Fall means my happy place is gone, taken away in many senses of the word, and replaced by a dead, brittle cold tomb. the cold cloudy grey starts rolling in and the trees cry big dried up leaf tears every where and everything becomes stark, bare and deathly. one digs out hoodies and warmer pjs and walks around as curled up inside themselves as one can to try and stay warm and shut out the bone grabbing cold and gloomy. I tend to mutate into Eyeore when fall rolls around. eighteen years ago I loved fall, the cool crisp air, fall skies filled with puffy giant clouds and brilliant foliage in an array of festive colors everywhere and it was the season in which I married my best friend and soul mate and began our wonderful life together. every fall would roll around with anticipation of getting away on a mini "honeymoon" and reconnecting and falling in love all over again. ten years of this then boom the fall arrived and the brilliance of fall faded and the season forever turned colder and greyer and so dead! for eight years now fall has become my nemesis, dreaded and heavy. every year I think this time I can get through this and all will be fine and I can look at it as just another seasonal cycle and some how the cloudy, grey and gloomy sneaks in and lassoes unaware and it's a fight to struggle to the surface for fresh air and sunshine. part of the intense struggle is an extreme "homesickness", a longing to travel an hour east and sneak in a secluded back door and find a lone uninhabited sterile room with a squeaky gurney  and curl up in a fetal position with nemo and Thomas pjs and shut out the outside world and bask in the familiar and safe sterile 7west floor of Hershey, and maybe just maybe I'd feel like my happy place is around me and maybe just maybe I could feel my angel boy close by, maybe I could hear him giggle a little bit clearer, smell his warm little cuddly self a little bit more, feel his precious little hand in mine once more. to lay on a Clorox cleaned rattly pillow that blew up with air then hissed a little as you lay down, pulling a starch cloroxy smelling sheet over you and fall asleep to squeaky nurses shoes on waxed floors as they hustle about through the night, the red glow of the pulse ox on his finger, and the dancing lines of heart rates and whatever else is on those many monitors, the drip drip of chemo and fluids running steadily in little boy veins, the code calls and hurry of caretakers to another patients side, the beep of another drip running all, the groggy getting up and pushing a call button for nurse Karly, Kim, Brooke, Collette, or Amanda (his favorites) help, that tiny voice asking for help at 1am. to use the potty, the presence of Doc. giving an update, the room packed with nurses and docs on rounds, the plop of another needle making it's way into a sharps container, the knocking on door and soft hello anyone interested in the snack tray? the smell of disinfect, stale coffee, fried food, purelland popcorn all rolled in one, the whoosh and ding of another elevator and it's rider reaching it's destination, the drone and whirl of the life lion coming in with victim delivery, the sirens of yet another ambulance pulling into the emergency bay, the rolling wheels of the lunch cart making it's way from room to room, the guitar music of Woody and the music therapy of Jan...........this all makes me homesick, it was by no means where we had the best moments of our lives together, but we did make memories, there was so much hard stuff there and painful stuff, but there was also much happy stuff and new friends, it's where faith got stronger, loved ones became dearer, friends came alongside......... I know he's not there, and yet maybe it'd feel a little closer to him, this is where there was the last moments quality life, the last belly laughs and giggles, this was where the last goodbyes started, docs and nurses from radiation and clinic and child-life and social services all came to say goodbye with hugs and kisses, nurses, docs, orderlies and fellow cancer families lined 7west hallway for more hugs and tears and goodbyes on our way out for the last time........  it's these days of fall when the "homesickness" hits hardest, when all the memories come back and the ache is stronger than ever, and the need to go back to where there was life is pulling, and the urge to burrow deep and hibernate is overwhelming and thought of getting in ones vehicle and going with no known destination looks so inviting....it's these days of fall, when it feels like death, that the "homesickness" to feel life like it once was is overpowering, even though it wasn't an easy carefree life...... but it was life, it meant we were still together, still moving forward, still holding to hope and each other. it sounds weird I know to be homesick for a hospital but that was home, and the caregivers became family, and to go back would feel a little closer to Devin in a small way. it's these days of fall when the suffocation of loss and grief crowd in it even seems to put a hazy ugliness over what should be our day to celebrate every year, the day two souls became one, the day I married my love, instead most of our last eight anniversaries are bittersweet, and teary, and we go through the day remembering our tenth when we were bringing Devin home to die and the day after it was suddenly all over...............and this is how fall works for me to....the gloomy rolls in and the anticipation of the upcoming dates are exhausting, feeling like we should celebrate were married eighteen years, but wait how can one celebrate when all one can remember is piece of ones heart being torn apart the next, and the mind goes crazy and everything gets all twisted up and confused and life looks large and dark........but...............over the years God has blessed me with amazing friends, His own handpicked support group just for me and that is priceless!! they don't let me drown or hide or suffocate, they keep me laughing and moving forward all while allowing me to be me, to grieve, to cry, to rant, they send texts and encouragement and give hugs...........so I say if one finds themselves on a sad journey they never expected then it's Heaven sent to have amazing traveling buddies, and with that kind of gift my dreary falls have a bit of my happy around the edges peeking through and as the years go by I have faith that with God and my people those happy edges will get brighter and brighter, thankyou Jesus for your precious gifts, thankyou Jesus.................for fall!!!