Some days I cant believe we're almost to the 10 year mark of watching you run to Jesus! Giving you back was the hardest most painful thing I ever had to do!! Most days it seems like only yesterday we let go of your hand! Then there are other days it seems an eternity has passed, these are the days I fight to remember the sweet sound of your voice, the, whispered, mommy, I love you, or the soft, will you hold me mommy and then the contented sigh as I snuggle every squishy, lovely bit of your little boy self. it's these days that I frantically try to draw up a recollection of that amazing warm little boy smell that was all you, and I try to grab a glimpse into those big sparkling chocolate teddy bear eyes, and desperately conjure up the sound of your bubbly giggle, and desperately, almost in panic mode try and remember the feel of your hand in mine, or the tight hugs and warm arms squeezed around my neck........10 years.......some days an ache so intense slams me by surprise, and I'm blindsided, struggling to catch my breath and right my balance. Grief is not something you get over, or outgrow, but a constant every day, every season process. 10 years.....I can honestly, mostly without tears, or at least to many tears, say most days I can praise God you've made your home run and are no longer living, or existing, in intense suffering and pain, trying to be normal in an overly abnormal disease riddled life! Most Days......
So, I hear our friend Maddie made a championship goal and ran to Jesus, winning her place on Heaven's playing field, and earning her wings, alongside the rest of her Cancer team mates! I bet you were thrilled to see her!! remember when you were hooked up to all kinds of tubes and needles and paraphernalia in Hershey ICU 2 months after diagnosis, Dr. F. stopped by to check on you and ask us to befriend Maddie and her family?? do you remember how nervous and unqualified to be there for them I felt?? do you remember how I felt I had so little to give them as I was feeling like I was still floundering my way through the cancer chaos?? do you remember Maddie's daddy coming uncertainly to your bedside and with tears asking how we're doing all this?? and then Maddie's mama joins us and they ask how we can go on, and how we can wrap our heads around all this after being dealt such mind numbing news of your precious child?? and the whole time they're seeing you laying almost lifeless like, hooked up to breathing tubes and IVS and hands and legs strapped down and drainage bags and catheters and needles and monitors and beepings and it all looking huge and hopeless almost before they even start their journey of the exact diagnosis and path we were walking, and how in the end we didn't really have any answers except to hug and cry and assure that we'd be there for each other in any way we could! and then, remember how once you were unleashed from all that craziness and with it and mobile once again you were always so excited to go to craft time or bingo in the play room cause you wanted to see Maddie, but you'd never talk to her?? you'd just look at her and smile and giggle??!! I imagine Heaven exploded and is in full party mode, huh??!! I kept seeing you with that blinding gorgeous smile of yours and arms out, wide open, running to meet her shouting, Maddie, Maddie, Maddie just like you used to do every evening when daddy got home from work!! I'm sure you two are having an amazing time catching up! I can see you both running through heaven's flower fields, giggling and chasing those beautiful retired therapy pups, or maybe your decorating heavenly smiley face sugar cookies just like at Hershey! or maybe your THONNING on, doing an eternal line dance, standing in for your team mates still in the thick of this nasty cancer battle, after all, it's effortless there, you don't have to sit down after 46 hours and wait another year,
no one ever tires!!
I can only imagine you cancer kiddos, fourth of July freedom, independence, weekend looks a lot different then ours!!! am sure the fireworks and celebrations never stop!! celebrating the freedom of cancer and pain and feeling like a freak!! the freedom of IV poles, needles, chemo, radiation, meds, meds, and more meds, reactions, vomiting, amputations, wheelchairs, gurneys, crutches, infusions, scans, transplants, spinals, bloating, infections, rejections, and baldness...........and wow the picnic grounds and party foods are surely out of this world!!!! you cancer kiddos sure know how to party and make everyone around you want to! you all were amazing like that, even when you were miserable and pain filled, you cancer kiddos bravely and with huge faith and determination grabbed every moment and lived it to the full! ya'll have taught us so much, how to live life, live the moment,, keep moving forward and fight with every particle of your being and how in the midst of it all, live in faith and by faith!!
Devin, honey, you and your team mates are champions, the true winners in this game of life!!! you are the brave and free, the true heroes in this battle of the cancer beast and life!! Devin, not one of you or your team mates, have lost your battle with Kids Cancer!!!!! NOT YOU, or MADDIE, or BRANDON, KAYLEIGH, CHELSEA, COLLIN, GRANT, ISAAC, BRANDT, JEN, MICHAELA or any of your other heavenly team mates!!!!!!!!!!!! Cancer didn't win, and we left behind, for sure didn't lose you!! you all are champions, and have won this crazy dance of tubes, tests, needles and poison, fair and square! Game over,! God said, kiddos, ya'll have done your season, you took it to championship, it's now your time to celebrate your victory, earn your well deserved trophy, your golden wings!!
yesterday afternoon, after I found out about dear Maddie, I had a rough evening! I haven't cried so hard in a long time! I kept thinking about the intense pain Maddie's family is dealing with, the bittersweet emotions of being eternally thankful she's pain free and celebrating yet at the same time the anger and loneliness of still wanting you kiddos here. I was angry cause it feels like another brave, faith filled impactful soul had to go to young. Devin, you felt so close last, in all the feelings and memories and emotions that came rushing back at the news of Maddie's home going. the last year I've taken up Bible journaling, it's like a language between me and God, me and Heaven. this morning I needed to journal in my Bible, I'm a visual soul, that's how I understand and get stuff best and Bible journaling has been a huge healing and comfort time for me!!
Honey, we wouldn't wish any of you kiddos back to this Cancer hell, but the intense love and care we have for you makes it so incredibly painful and terrorizing to let go. we miss you all with every fiber of our being, with every tear that shows up announced out of nowhere, with every shaky, unsteady, breath, with every faltering, unsure footstep forward.......but deep, deep down in the recesses of our crumbled, bleeding hearts, we're ecstatic for you!! we're celebrating with you and holding tightly to the thought of that moment when we get to hear you run towards us across that heavenly playing field, arms out, shouting a welcome!! when something or someone is lost, that means it, they, can't be found, no one knows where it is! We did NOT lose you to cancer, Wednesday Maddie was NOT lost!!! we know where you are, where she flew to, you are right where you belong, you and your team mates kiddo, gone ahead to your goal, to start the celebration, ya'll are champions, and we get to be your parents, to proudly announce to the world we're the mamas and daddies to the bestest, bravest, soldiers and champions out there, we get to have the gift of your love and calling you ours, that's a trophy no one can top, that's a title no one can steal or forge, and I thank God every day for that precious, priceless gift, even when it feels at times we only got to enjoy it for so few precious moments!! love you forever, little man, xoxo, Mommy
