there have been in my recent history, body parts that I would have deemed as unnecessary evils. breasts, boobs, as they are more often then not called around here, would have been at the top of the list. what teenage girl basks in the attention of hilarious desperately trying to be comedic cousins poking fun at your size for age or your bounce with your game skills and so on. and then there's the garment issues, I mean, come on, how is a good Christian gal supposed to be modest when ya got oversized twin girls to deal with?? ya try to buy blouses and shirts that cover appropriately, and don't herald the cleavage or stretch like a to small tarp on an oversized load and then you find yes, the boobsters are well garbed, but now the neck hole is ginormous and slipping off the shoulders and the threat of cleavage is back in play and the battle of hide and seek with the halter straps cinching the girls up off your stomach is a very real and intense game. and the whole Bra fiasco, wow, trying to find the proper size without to much sag and under arm rubbage, and then every other one is a push up or extra padding!! who makes these?? why when we're already awkwardly trying our best to put them in proper restraints and desperately trying to keep them from overflowing and oozing out each seam do we want to add a size or two or push them even further out in front of us to stumble over?? and why just because some of us are all but off the sizing charts and special ordering is a very real threat can they still not make them beautiful and appealing?? what big girls don't need to feel encased in womanly loveliness?? do manufacturers seriously look at each other and go, these babies don't need no extra fanfare after all the poor woman that gotta sport this kind of luggage should just be thankful they can get 'em under wraps??? come on people, seriously, if I gotta tote these two dears around I would at least like to feel beautifully garbed and confident they're loving their girly digs even if I'm the only soul that will ever view them!! and then there's the sad but true detail of never knowing where to tuck them, under the arm is not the best place and one feels like a penguin with its arms poking out the sides rather awkwardly unsure of what to do with itself, and them being the walking stick as the blind use going out before you feeling the way and taking note of objects in your path before the rest of you reaches them isn't any walk in the park either, cause did you know that is one of the most tender body parts ya got? sharp blunt objects coming in contact at high speeds isn't a laughing matter. and leftovers!!!! i'm not that huge a fan of leftovers, so I don't relish the thought of a shelf front and center to catch every crumb, dribble and drip as if to say, yay, now you got your own to go box for when you need a small nibble later!! NOOOOO!!! that theory is way over rated, this is no picnic people!! I've had well meaning people say, well at least when you have babies you'll be equipped to give them all they need! again, NOOOOOO!!! it doesn't work that way!! it's not the size that determines they'll be well fed, trust me!! I struggled with all 4 of my kiddoes to reach a 3 month mark of breast feeding and that was with a lot of bottle additions in the mix!! ok, rant, over!! this week I got a good look at my boobs in a whole different light!! and no, I'm not talking stark bright glow under sterile lighting light as they were splayed across a cold unforgivingly hard surface to be poked prodded and smashed, almost beyond recognition kind of light. although here is where i'll point out to all my tiny twin sistered friends that I truly am sorry you don't have BIG, cause well, I can't for one second envision how you dears are gonna undergo a mammogram without anything to plop under that squashing paddle.........anyway, I saw my oversized appendages in a different light, like when it comes down to it, as annoyed as I can get with them, I so don't want to go through anything traumatizing either. years ago already, because of a very adamant statement from an acquaintance, proclaiming how it would be the worst thing ever to have to have her breasts removed in a case of cancer, cause she wouldn't feel beautiful and her hubby wouldn't love her or want to look at her ever again, my hubby and I had this discussion, that yes, my body would be changed, it would take some acceptance, not the fact so much that I looked different, but that we even were on this path at all, but at the end of the discussion we both agreed that if removing one or both of the twins was in my best health interest and the good of a cure it was the only answer, and He said something i'll never forget, you would still be the same girl I fell in love with, they were a part of you, but not what made me want to spend the rest of my life with you!! last week I was hit with the very reality that these annoying at times body parts of mine could very well be in danger!! after having some pain and tenderness other than the normal monthly aches I made an appointment to see the doc. she didn't find anything initially, but did say that if it was cancer that I most likely wouldn't know because of pain, cause breast cancer usually has pea sized hard knots but not pain. and then she nonchalantly exclaimed they were beautiful and healthy dense tissued breasts, oooookaaaayyyy, thank you, I think......moving on..... anyway she ordered an ultrasound cause she thought they'd get a better reading and because after all I'm only 41 a mammogram shouldn't be necessary quite yet.......however when I called to make the ultrasound appointment they wouldn't do it without first having a mammogram order cause after all I'm 41 It would be time to start :) and hey, what's the doc know, she's just the doc. we, after all, are the ultra-mammo techies!! apparently, I'm a chameleon, I can change from old to young and keep everyone confused and running in circles!! soooooo, I go to my mammogram appointment, ladies it really is something you have to experience to really "get it" when someone talks about it being flattening and a torture chamber for the girls!! they've never experienced that much painful attention at one standing in their entirety!!! I felt briefly like a cow at first, they call ya back to this area where they give you a gown and bag for the garments your replacing for those so in style open backed gowns then dump you in a holding pen with other stylish clad ladies waiting for the same squashing!! the waiting in between squashing and photographing and showing doc the pics and oh wait we need more pics and now to see if doc still wants ultrasound is the worst!!! then, ok, he definitely wants to do the ultrasound too!! at this point no ones saying more than you'll have results and plan of action today yet, but all your hearing at a piercing volume is, "they've found something" or we wouldn't be doing more!!! and if it's cancer......I know to much what's ahead of me!! the grueling all consuming fight!!! and then I had a little meltdown or two, but praise Jesus my Paula was there, after hugs and reassurances we moved onto bright happy topics of conversation, until we were ushered down the hall to the ultrasound room, a bit dark, a bit eerie and a whole lotta hot gel, but here is where they found the problem side to be just cantankerous but healthy and the not being a problem, just along for the ride side, to have some shadowed dark spotty areas, they want to biopsy to rule out any chances of cancer. they feel it could very likely be dense tissue issues with maybe some flare up of sorts in it from hormonal changes etc. but because of heavy family cancer history need to see for certain. and so we were sent to meet with a patient information and option discussion lady and there I said lets get on this, I'm nor into waiting, if it's something I need to know, if it's not, peace of mine is priceless, so we scheduled biopsy for the following Thursday and result readings the Tuesday after and now, we wait, again. after I got home I was exhausted and would have given much to burro in my beautiful king sized bed and pretend it was all not happening, but there was dinner to fix and little's to continue parenting and well, shelving the adulating scenario wasn't an option so a bit weepily I kept in motion. that night I actually slept well, exhaustion overload I imagine, but Friday and Saturday night not so much. I woke often and the first thoughts that entered my mind was, breast cancer, what if, but right on the heels of that was consistently, but, Janette, even the sparrows, and I would feel peace at that thought and go back to sleep. sometime early Sunday morning I awoke and there was no more what ifs, only peace, and I praise God for His faithfulness and for removing the fear and replacing it with peace. Peace, that no matter the results I'll be ok. I've inherited my love of Eagles from my dad, and have always saw them as strength and freedom and protection, a majestic beautiful bird that always left me a bit awed. well, Sunday morning on the way to church I was gifted with the spotting of a beautiful bald eagle sitting high in a tree at a fields edge with his mate a few limbs below Him. IT MADE MY DAY!!! how like my God, who knows I need and love visuals, to gift me with that affirmation of His freedom from fear and the unknown and also the protection and strength to get through whatever these biopsy results could be! and Monday afternoon as I was preparing dinner it was pouring rain though the sun was shining brilliantly and I looked out my kitchen window to a rainbow in the woods, I called for Ava and said hey, wanna get umbrellas and go walking in the rain??? she of course was ecstatic and we walked out and as I looked around me there was rainbows all over, it was glorious and just made me smile to see God just clearly proclaiming to me, here I am, and here, and here and.....so close, surrounding me, wrapping me up in Him! it's through events like these the devil works overtime to come abreast our faith and constantly have us fighting to trust that God is in control. He tries to trap us into wrapping our heads and minds up in ourselves and get us to pity me and wallow in self doubt and fear and soon our eyes are off God and His ever present strength and help. I hesitated sharing my medical issues with my family, friends, and church family etc. cause I was like, well, it may be nothing, and what if I'm just over reacting and being paranoid, then the thought slammed me that this is exactly what the devil would love, to not have anyone conversing with God on my behalf. so I opened up and asked my people to pray about this and I have been so tremendously blessed by the love and support I've felt. the text messages and scripture verses and words of faith and encouragement and love and hugs!!
P.S. I may or may not ever complain about my oversized, in the way appendages again!! somehow the view is a bit different when faced with what ifs!!
