it's gonna shine!!

unlike today...6 years ago was cold, gray, and pouring down rain. one could have concluded the skies were in sympathy with the pain and sadness being experianced on earth. when i think of that day, i feel kinda like im looking in fishbowl....i can see some stuff in my minds eye, but alot of it is magnified yet extremely blurred, not much can i say i remember with stark clearness. i remember the last look, and how as i gazed at my son one last time i thought again of how peaceful he looked, and how it made me so happy to see him looking so much like himself, like he was just sleeping and having sweet dreams cause of the typical Devin smile on his face. i remember standing under umbrellas and tents and gazing into that nasty muddy hole and feeling panicky and wanting someone to please get me outta there and away from reality, and then being thankful all over agin that we made the descision to not watch them lower him in and cover him up, my mother heart could not stand the thought of watching and hearing cold, slimy, chunks of mud covering my 5 years of warm, snuggly, love. the service ended and we walked away....part of me screaming silently to run back and drop to my knees and claw away the earth and hold him one more time.......the part that i do remember with amazing clearness that brings me so much hope and comfort is the part of the service when the packed church house was singing one of his favorite songs, Heaven's Gonna Shine.....it was like God opened up space between Heaven and the service and we were all one, like the angels were in our midst singing with us, rejoicing through the pain, that Devin was home free, pain free........there was a heavenly hushed reverance even though the building was ringing with song.....we had so many people mention to us later how there was smiles and tears wherever they looked but there was peace and it sounded Heavenly......this song was Devin's favorite long before he got sick and it always made me smile when he'd say as were driving along, mom, turn it up, and don't sing along i can't hear then :) i dont wonder why it was anymore....i know he had a connection to it we'll probably never quite get this side of Heaven....i found it on you tube but not by the same group....enjoy it and be blessed....i know on that dreary day 6 years ago, there was sonshine in the midst of our pain............. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9nWNYTGiQY

Tangled Clouds

i think when i get to heaven one of the first questions i want to ask God is why he made woman with their emotions all in a tangled heap like grannys yarn basket. it's fast heading toward fall here, i love fall, the brisk cool mornings the color bursting through the fields and trees, but along with the approach of fall come the anniversary of Devin's death. and no matter how much i feel at peace with what he went through and the outcome it still hits me between the eyes with a powerful bring you to your knees blow that leaves you feeling like where ever you go theres this little black cloud hovering above. this year i thought, to myself earlier, i don't think i'll mind it like before, it's been getting easier, he's still missed intensley but we've come along way, and with a new baby right around the corner and the excitement and anticipation of Her arrival, i think this year will be different, there will be new fresh life and hope. NOT TRUE!! my emotions over the past week or so have been all over the place, very high, very low, even keel, through the roof, you name it i've been there. one moment i'm thankful for the 5 wonderful years, the next i scream out why only that long. then i see a friend who's been where we've been, and her son fought and won, but the side affects have been torture, and with new issues arrising and treatment limited and more side affects involved and heading down an unknown road again filled with what ifs and whys i find myself on another emotional rollersoaster. one minute i'm thankful my son was spared this kind pain and not having to look at being a child mentally stable but totally unnormal, and the next moment knowing i'd give everything to walk through it with him if he were here. sometimes as frustrated as it has made me at times i think men got the better end of the emotional dealing with thing. it seems at least for my hubby, they quietly process and mull over it and pull themselves up and move on, some days i long for that, but then i think how having to deal with it over and over has kept me at Jesus feet, in that constant seeking for the peace and assurance that He is there helping, guiding, loving me through every black cloud, for when the days are sunniest it's easiest to go my own way. so though today started out "rainy" it's sunny once again, as peace chased away the storm!!

Labor Day!!

Labor Day.......today hubby spent the day burning a brush pile, cleaning up, assembling a yard attachment thingy for behind the lawnmower, and just in general puttering around the house and grounds in usual ever busy Glen style. i made a big breakfast for my people, boxed up my books from our bedroom to make room for baby stuff in between taking many breaks to catch my breath and try and disocver where all my oxygen went, then i took the kids to town to take advantage of Jo-Ann fabric sale on flannel, yes, dreaming of little girly recieving blankets, crib quilts, burb cloths etc. it hit me the other day that these things too are one more thing i'm just now realizing went up in smoke when we lost our house, so were starting over. while all this is going on my minds churning, wishing in one way it truly was "Labor Day" and we were meeting and cuddling this little miss, but on the other hand feeling a bit of panic at the thought and not feeling quite ready. then my mind wonders further to the Angel face that has been in my minds eye all day, hanging there on the edge, me acknowledging it yet not quite sure i'm willing to really go there and let myself remember.......because of fear, fear that i'll be sad and depressed the entire day, fear i'll feel guilty for being so incredibly happy at this point in life and soaking up the peace that has come after the healing.....then i got to really thinking on it and thought that is just dumb, that is like giving the devil a piece of me and keeping myself from basking in the graciousness of God, not given Him proper credit for seeing us through the pain, for counting His abundant blessings He's poured on us in spite of the storms..........yes!! Labor day 6 years ago we spent the day with Glen's family at Lake Tobias animal park and Devin was with us, we made wonderful memories, granted we had to resurrect our stroller from storage so he would have a ride whenever his weak achy legs couldn't go no more, but it was priceless to see him making faces at the camera goofing off with his uncles and feeding the animals, it was one of the last things we got to do together, one of the last times he spent with his cousins and grandma. So Labor Day has become another one of "those" dates you'll never forget. BUT......i got great memories, awesome pics, and we were given that day to enjoy him outta the hospital, away from iv drips, and beeps, and needles and meds and sterilness, that was a huge gift!! and this Labor Day we get to look back and see where we we've been, how far God has brought us, and looking forward we see what God has given us, a home, healthy kids, a job, and a brand new Miracle from Heaven on the way!! That is HUGE!!! It's another Labor Day, full of memories, full of blessing, full of God and family, it's an AWESOME day!!!

Devin with a pony in the petting area at Lake Tobias, he fell in love with it!!

Same day......another year

another year has rolled around, and it's August 23 once again...but it's okay. as each year comes and goes the dates trigger memories, some great, some horrific, some bittersweet......today it's 7 years since Devin was diagnosed with cancer. don't freak out, i'm not gonna go into detail, or rant, i did that last year :) but it is one of those days in my mind i doubt i'll ever forget. but the reality is, every year i can't help but remember the life altering change that came over our family, over me as a person and mama. but i must confess it's nice to be able to face the day without feeling like a truckload of depression is sitting on my chest suffocating me, or the urge to burrow into my covers and sleep the day away therefore fast forwarding it, although i must be honest and admit there was alot of bittersweet moments and a curiosity of wondering how the view would be from here had things been different. but most importantly i love looking back and saying wow!! 7 years!! and we made it!! there were many days i remember thinking, seriously?? i can't imagine getting to the one month mark than one year, and now.....7 years!! i think one of the biggest revelations to me, (and this is probably shedding some light on my weak faith) is realizing that INDEED my God was there all along, guiding me, wrapping me in His arms patiently by my side through every step of the dealing and healing process, through the hurt, confusion, anger, depression, the letting go of the blueprint i thought perfect for my life and letting Him re-draw the entire thing. i shouldn't be amazed, that is who He said He is, what He promised He would do, but somehow i still am, and it blesses me all over again to know that no matter what's ahead, He got it in His hands. theres another song i usedto sing to Devin, on our long sleepless hospital stays, i tried googling it but had no luck, but it goes something like this: it's really dark and cold tonight, and i'm tired and all alone, there seems no ray of hope in sight, oh, Lord, why did uou ever make night. chorus: i made the night so you would trust in me, i made the night so you would place your hand in mine, i made the night so in the early morning, you could see my sun/Son rise and shine! now as i place my trust in you, i can see the first rays of light, and i know that you are with me, oh Lord, i'm so glad you made night! on another note, my firstborn Brandon, turns 14 tomorrow!! thats another unforgettable date, the first birth, the joy of a miracle of life, so small and dependant placed in your arms.....that day thinking of him celebrating his 14th birthday seemed light years away....well here it is, and i thank God for this precious manchild, he has brought so much joy into our lives, and has handled life and it's unexpected bumps with grace.

IN LOVE WITH A MIRACLE

i know, i just posted last night, this is unusual to have another one back to back, but it is what it is :) those of you who are prego or recently have been know what i'm talking about when it comes to them frequent gotta go NOW bathroom treks when your trying to sleep, well this post is an indirect result of being awakened by a lil miss dancin' on my full bladder at 4:45am, at which time i huffed and puffed and heaved my bulk outta bed in the process causing daddy to wake u enough to check the time only to then witness him bouncin outta bed muttering something about alarm not goin off pickin' up amish crew, it's a good thing you woke up and woke me, i gotta leave in 15 and you hear the coffee maker go off? cause i didn't hear the coffee maker........so....till the trek was finished his mumblings began to register therefore leaving me wide awake in the aftermath of father/son hurricanes grabbin' coffee, lunches, thermos' gatorade and ice and bouncin out the door, off to another day of building/framing houses, or should i say creating a masterpiece outta boards that humans dwell in cause ot only is the current project a mini mansion, its seriously a complicated puzzle of pieces, roofs going this way and that, trusses of many sizes shapes and styles, and rooms and measurments and features that looking at the blueprint had me shaking my head in amazement that anyone could read this let alone figure it out, but i must say they got the right man for the job, not only does he love a challenge, but in the end it'll be done right and he'll grin that handsome grin of his thats left me weak in the knees and hyperventilating many times over, and say you wanna come see what we did? and i'll go and take a tour and be spellbound all over again that my perfectionist hubby got that amazing result from that puzzling rolled up piece of paper they call a blueprint! which makes the houghts running through my head this morning even more convincing in my mind that i am married to a miracle man, whose been given a gift from God to figure out and build these puzzles, and to it well with no physical limitations for the most part. i see him climbing around on those beams and rafters and shake my head, cause you see my picture, my view could be radically different if not for the grace of God and a miracle in our lives, more specifically in the life of my dear husband Glen.......this week it's 13 years since my sister and her family, a family friend, my single sister and us decided to spend a gorgeous sunday afternoon biking a canal trail an hour or so from home. as often goes the guys are full of energy and biking circles around us woman who are tending kids as we leisurly peddle alomg jsut glad to be breathing fresh air outside our own four walls. well my hubby loved exploring and climbing hills and all the other things a man can find to do on a bike, so while waiting on us woman and kids to catch up, he decided to leave the trail for a grass hill, a steep grass hill, much to his delight he made it up without pushing, but didn't forsee the ditch at the bottom that went right into the next bank, so when coming down the hill fastly he hit the ditch thus stopping his bike suddenly leaving his body to continue moving over the handlbars head/face first into the opposite bank. the results were??? NOT GOOD!! that afternoon we ended up in the trauna unit. backing up a bit, our friend caught up to me and warned me Glen wrecked his bike, thought he might need a few stitches in his face and a missing tooth or two,but that he was up and walking and heading towards the vehicles, but i should probably check on him, well i got to the scene, and found no hubby so walked on towards parking lot, i found him stumbling and weaving, i got beside him and he pretty much collapsed on me, so helped him lay down in the grass off to the side, thats when his fear and panic started to set in, he had his legs up and all by them selves they went down, and he began to lose control and feeling. this is where adreniline kicks in and your given a calmness and strenghth you know comes only from heaven, i stayed by his side holding his hhand reassuring him it was ok the ambulance was called he'd have help soon. finally loaded and on our way, and true paranoia sets in, he cant feel anything in his legs and he needs to move them and can't and whats happening?? thank God for emts and meds they soon had him calm, so we arrived at the hospital only to have him dissappear behind trauma unit doors and us put in a private family lounge, to wait FOREVER!! finally a doc. comes to get me saying he's about to get some more scans but he wants to see you so go reassure him your hear and talk for 5 minutes but then we gotta keep moving....so i did, although reassuring to me to see him awakei could stll see panic in his eyes and hear it in his voice, neither one of us had any news to give the other as far as updates so we let the docs once again take over. so back to waiting.....was so thankful for my sisters, they took care of our then not quite 1 year old son Brandon, guys went for food, and all wer just quietly there supporting, praying. finally the doc comes in again.....and the next words outta his mouth ill never forget....Mrs. Diem, i hate to tell you this, but you need to be prepared, most likely your husband will never walk again, at this point he's paralyzed from his waist down, he broke from here to here in his back which will require surgery and rods and screws and a graft from his hip......at that point my mind shut down, it wasn't until everyone had left and took the kids home and i finally got to see him in his icu room, looking at me with them big beautiful brown eyes of his full of regrets and pain and questions.i couldn't stay longwhich was fine at that point i couldn't bear it anyway, but as i sat down in that waiting room my mind went nuts, how was i gonna raise a child, and take care of a handicapped husband plus be the breadwinner. how was he gonna cope with being wheelchair bound for life and how fair was it that this is basically all our son would no of his daddy.....the prayer support and visitor support was amazing, we felt surounde by love and care the hospital was wonderful to. tuesday saw him going through surgery to repair his broken back, the wait seemed like forever, ill never forget the feeling of nausea when i walked in his room and seeing him with a stick with pinchers on the end, i said whats that for? his reply?? this is to help me be as indeendant as possible, they're teaching me how to put my socks on without bending over annd with this i can reach for stuff.......i needed air NOW!! i walked out and ran into his bro and wife, i wanted to lose it right there but i put a smile on my face {this was before i learnt its okay to be real to show emotion to ne you :} } and to their hows he doing? i said oh good they're teaching him how to care for himself. the next morning i was in for another shock when i arrived, this time it was good one, this was where i was hit between the eyes with how much God cares for us and about us, where i realized that prayer and support from our friends and loved ones are huge and dont go unnoticed or unheard!! that my God can and does perform miracles, sometimes more than we'll ever know cause often were not looking or believing! anyway i arrived the next morning determined as i got off that elevator that no matter how i found him i was gonna smile and show him we'll be okay we will make it, well i was stopped in my tracks at the sight of him walking, ok more like shuffling down the hall towards me with a nurse on either side. i couldn't help it, i beamed, i teared up, i gasped out a whats goin on, he gave me a painfilled half grin and grunted, they want to see if i can do physical therapy, i might be healing better than they were expecting....thankyou Father!!!! i tried not to be to hopeful but surely if he's shuffling now......so that afternoon finds him in a short but ehausting pt session where after putting him through the paces the nurses looked at him and sighned his papers saying get outta here your great you don't need us!!! MIRACLES!!! they do happen....TO US!! five days after his accident, after being told to expect a handicapped hubby, he WALKED outta that hospital, equipped with back brace and orders of no work for 6 mo. he had one follow up visit a week later where they removed his staples from surgery, and said he's doin well if he's comfortable without brace to use his judgment, and 3 months later he was back at work doing lite stuff. i'm married to a living, breathing, WALKING miracle!!!! so when i see him climbing around on roofs and bouncin outta bed, i sit back in awe at what God has done for us, i know our lives aint over, i dont know what all lies ahead of us, but up to this point our story could have been so different, the view from here could have drastically been altered, but God in his ever present goodness and grace reached down and touched and proclaimed miraculous healing, for which i will forever be greatful!!

We Need To Carry On

My heart hurts!! Way deep inside, like a smoldering fiery ache. seems my life has been and is surrounded by hurting, and troubled family and friends. those who are batteling demons of anxiety, and depressiom, those who are grieving loved ones passed on and loved ones living in sin, those who are facing serious sickness and financial drowning, those who've buried long awaited infants and those who cant concieve, those who've watched their kids fight hard and let them go, those who've watched their kids choose to walk an unsafe path, those who have broken relations in family and out............ i long to make everyones situation better, to cause the pain to dissappear, to hand them a prescription and say take this or follow this and your life will be great!! but i can't, its outta my control,it's not my place to heal people no matter how dear they are to me. but.....i can be there, i can listen, i can PRAY!!! i have a direct line to the greatest healer of all, but often i'm guilty of using that as a last resort, try everything else, suggest this, do that,and in a feeble last ditch effort, oh yea, now might be a good time to pray since all else appears to have failed. my God persues me daily longing for communication with me, for a sold out relationship with him, and i wonder at times how many miracles i miss cause i wasn't looking, cause i havent communicated with him daily. and i know He works miracles daily and longs for is to be a part of them. in this world we'll have trouble, but He has overcome the world!! no matter what i'm going through, what i'm facing, or how bad my heart is hurting i know He's ever faithful, ever by my side, and i know that when it comes to my hurting family and friends, i may feel helpless, i may not know how to fix their situation, but i can always be there, to listen, to encourage, but most importantly to Pray!! to talk to my Father and ask on their behalf for peace, healing, calmness, forgiveness, whatever, and my Father is always ready with open arms to welcome me and listen and communicate. i remember in the hospital with Devin over a particularly anxious time a friend told me she didn't know what to do but she was praying....i remember my response was a teary, thankyou, cause right now i can't, to which she hugged and me and said, that's okay thats what the rest of us are for.....i think thats huge in Gods eyes, to see His people carrying His hurting children in their desperate times, lifting them up to Him when their to weak to make it on their own. so even though my heart hurts for all my friends and family facing struggles and pain, i know i can't heal, but more importantly I CAN HELP....i can carry the hurting straight to my Father the greatest physcian of all, and theres no waiting line!!! He's always on call just waiting for us to lift up our loved ones to Him!! that's an awesome peaceful thought!!

Whispers From Heaven

First of all I know I apologized for writing on death a couple times and the last time I think I said something about promising to not always write on that particular subject etc. well...... I'm here to take that back, no, every post probably wont be on that but I write from my heart and about who I am and what shaped my life and sad to say death has been a huge part of my life, so as of this moment this is me done apologizing for writing often about it.....this is me, what you see is what you get!! that off my chest, I'll try in some small way to put out here what I've been mulling over lately. (one of my besties said to me the other day....you haven't blogged in awhile, and you really need to...) she knows me so well :) there has been many posts in my head, they just never appeared here. I love when a dear friend isn't afraid to put a voice to her thoughts and nudge!! so anyway I'm gonna make a feeble attempt to put all my jumbled mullings into posts, though not nessacarily in any kind of dated order, but I make no promises, I learnt my lesson! :) so anyway, the other week I decided this is crazy, a new baby on the way, which means a ton of pics to take and scrap, so I should be getting Devin's cancer journey books done and his Make-A–Wish pics finished too before this next big event, so I proceeded to dig out and organize all my stuff I had collected along with my journals etc. deciding that doing his MAW pics would be easier and much more of a happy family memory time. Well......the stuffs been sitting here for almost 2 weeks and I got a page and a half done. Somehow looking at those big brown eyes staring back at me through pics looking so alive and happy and seeing the energy pouring outta him as he wrapped his arms around his dad, rode roller coasters, fed birds and made stuffed animals with his siblings, took all inspiration and motivation outta the entire project, and this wasn't even looking at cancer journey pics with tubes, meds, pain filled eyes etc. the weird thing was I didnt really feel like crying, nor did I feel an intense burning sadness, just an intense bittersweet exhaustion, a feeling of these precious moments were a life time ago, and an ache of loss as to where is that person I was back then, what became of her and do I really know who I am now!!?? the exhaustion won, I walked away and went and curled up in my big snuggly king sized bed and shut out all memories and ponderings, right then it was to heavy! Even writing about these feelings and emotions makes me yawn and seriously consider burrowing under my covers away from the world, it feels weighty and a tad suffocating. Maybe its the processing of we no longer have him here living breathing, but adjusting to a new life living breathing arriving here that won't have known each other, almost as though truly closing a chapter to begin a brand new one?? and yet part of me has this feeling he already knows his little sister, and that he is just bouncin off those Heavenly walls with excitement at the love and joy he is sharing in this way with us. He was my one even more than his little sister that loved babies, he had a connection with them most kids don't. When he was 10 months into treatment my sister had a little boy, that little guy was his world, for 4 months he held him in his wheelchair through the hospital halls cuddled him wherever he could and when he was to weak to move from his hospital bed or even open his eyes the little guy laid beside him. I think him and God had discussions on this and they decided together on who this new little person would be, when she would arrive, and what she would look like. Kinda like planning a surprise party, to send a little bundle of sunshine and love to brighten our sometimes very dark world. One of my drs. A couple weeks ago upon hearing my youngest would be 10, exclaimed, wow!!! someone musta thought you needed a little sunshine in your life!!! I thought lady, dear, you have no idea. Anyway after a few days passed I decided to make another stab at scrapping his MAW pics, so I put in some uplifting happy cds and cranked it up and sat down determined to make a go of it.......15 minutes later I realized I had still gone no where I was staring at the same pic I was when I first sat down, then I began to yawn....yup my bed was looking better all the time. A few minutes past and a song I hadn't heard in awhile came on and stopped me in my tracks. (or would have had I moved at all in the last 20 minutes :) it was, ONE SCARRED HAND a song I sang to my kids as I rocked them when they were tired and fussy and I was exhausted and teary, a song I sang over and over in the hospital to Devin as I held him and rocked him, sat in icu by his sedated side, laid beside him in his big hospital bed when he was in pain or couldn't sleep a song I knew every word to and believed with all my heart. I stopped and listened a bit then joined in, when it was over I couldn't help but smile, and I thought thankyou Devin, you knew what your mama needed, it's your turn to be there for me huh?! I still didn't get much scrapping done but I felt great and I wasn't tired and I knew i'd been handed a hug straight from Heaven and my son and it was a like breath of fresh air, him whispering......i know sometimes it still hurts, but you'll be okay, you have this promise to hold onto you always sang to me about!! right along with the hug and whisper from my son, I felt God smile!! for some reason it seems my blog space changed a bit i cant upload a youtube video,probably my computer illiteracy showin up :) but if you go to youtube one scarred hand by gold city they have an awesome video of that song.....

Bottled Diamonds

Tears.... I’ve had lots over the years, there’s been times I’ve wondered if I was given a few extra pipelines and some others are missing theirs....when I’m nervous I cry....when I’m sad I cry.....when I’m grieving I cry.....sometimes when I call my hubby and hear his voice I cry.....or if I haven't talked to my mom in awhile I cry.....sometimes I cry when I’m happy.....sometimes I just cry for no obvious reason....sounds of certain birds, (yes!! Paula :) there is certain birds that have a breathtaking sound that makes me tear up every spring just in case your reading this) a touching song, a memory, a goodbye, and again the waterworks are operating in full power. I've cried when my kids were sick, in pain, when they were bad, and when there was moments of joy and pride. I've cried for others, in anger over life, in offense , in sympathy, in pain, in relief, I’ve cried because I was crying and didn't want to be or couldn't stop.....there are many reasons one cries....some of us just seem to have a trigger switch.

It used to be a source of frustration, and embarrassment to me, sometimes it still can be, like in Sunday School when asked to share our heart, and our response comes out in a trembling teary muddled mess of 3 choppy sentences instead of the eloquent paragraph running through your head of whats truly on your mind and in your heart and your sitting there thinking man!! not again these ladies probably cringe every time I open my mouth, thinking oh boy there she goes again!!. And it hits ya right now, like I wasn't feeling weepy or down or anything, it wasn’t that time of the month after all I am pg so cant blame it on the rag, could say prego hormones I guess cept this is a daily thing for me. Not a good memory, but I was told once in a letter from a church official that they felt I was manipulative, and that I used my tears to try and get my own way. Sorry persons, but I was just a quaking nervous wreck, I feel bad you don't have a heart of compassion that you cant read your people better than that. This is one of the reasons I write and blog, my feelings are portrayed so much better on paper or screen than in person, and a big plus is no one gets wet!! and no one needs to dig in their purse to share their stash of tissues! (thanks Beth, your the best-est :) someone once told me it's okay to be teary, it means you have a heart for people and a sensitive nature........i like that, I think I’ll go with it!! sounds much better than, don't mind me I'm a walking rainforest, or caution old faithful could blow at any given moment because I might need to use this to my advantage somehow!

I've also come to realize tears can be incredibly healing, like a deep cleansing relief. (yes!! I am one of those woman that will purposely sit down with a cry the whole way through movie just to get it outta my system) if you've never done that you should try it, you might end up with a migraine but you'll feel much better :) The Bible does say theres a time to weep....sometimes we just gotta make time.

There is a verse in the bible Psalm56:8 that talks about our tears and how that God catches each one and collects them in a bottle....that has been incredibly comforting to me through the many rainy seasons of my life, (although I’m sure years ago He traded my bottle in on a 50 gallon drum). But I love the mental picture I get of God holding us close when we cry, for whatever reason, and taking His thumb and gently catching each tear and bottling them. Leaves me feeling warm and cozy like a little girl snuggling on her daddies lap. I love the thought that to God I am that important, my tears are that important, that He cares and loves me so much that even my tears are like precious rare diamonds for Him to collect and treasure. I'm thinking Heaven must have millions of rainbows from the Son shining through all those bottled diamonds! And to Him it doesn't matter how we portray our hurts, struggles, joys or whatever, we don't need to have a flowery eloquent speech with all the right words and and dry eyes He just wants us to communicate with Him, He longs to hold us and listen to our heart even if every quiet time with Him is in a puddle! So don't ever be ashamed of your tears, after all God himself created us with this inner fountain and He treasures every leaky drop! I remember laughing at my son when he was 3 or 4, now 13, when he was crying bout something and hubby asked him why he was still crying, he replied cause my weepy thing still works :) i've come to be thankful for my weepy thing and the wondrous workings of it and the way its made for us to cleanse and heal and relate and rejoice and feel. the saying goes....tears are a language...i've come to believe that, although those around you may not always understand it doesn't matter where your at in life, what country your from what language you speak tears speak straight to the Father's heart and he understands every drop!

A Perspective From One Whose Been There

First of all i promise all my posts won't be on death and dying and grieving......on the other hand it does feel at times that this subject has been a bigger part of my life. Anyway this angle of the subject has been going through my head alot the last few weeks. Maybe it's because i overheard a few people talking about another aqauintance who just went through a miscarriage, or maybe because finding out at age 37 and 10 years after your last one your pregnant again and the scenarios that run through your mind are not always pretty and frankly a tad frightening or maybe it's remembering remarks individuals said to and about us as we went through times of loss, i really don't know what triggered it but for what it's worth i'm gettin it outta my system.
finding out we are pregnant was an amazing wonderful although terrifying surprise!! after all it's been10 years since we found ourselves in this situation. it seriously kind of feels like the first one all over again, where do we start, is this feeling normal, should i have this trouble already, etc etc the mind goes ninety mile an hour with answers not necessarily any answers always. but in light of life and losses and dark times we journeyed we really feel like it has been a gift straight from Heaven, a rainbow after the storm kind of experiance. as i was adjusting to the fact that this was really happening my mind again went in all directions, down many avenues that werent really healthy or encouraging such as what if my age makes for more risks or less healthy baby or what if we miscarriage??? and that last question brought me to the conversation i overheard and to the time 12 years ago when i experianced that very thing, and the remark i heard and that was made to me was.....i'm sure it's best, after all the baby was probably handicapped or mentally unhealthy!!!! this is where i have found myself mauling lately....i despise that thought!!! Number one no mother wants to envision the baby she carries as being freakish and less than perfect, number two, i'm not saying that isn't the case at times, i know there is evidence of health issues, but i don't think God's perfect Heaven is sporting a bunch of sweet unperfect babies. when our Devin died at 5 we had people make remarks like well maybe he would have grown up to be a trouble maker or rebelled! What?? i as a mother was horrified to think of my darling, innocent beautiful boy being a hellion!! No...as his mother i refuse to think that....i dont think God looks from Heaven and says you know what, this kid is gonna cause issues so were gonna take him and end that right now....NO!!! i believe that God in all His perfectness looks at these precious little souls and smiles in pride and with overflowing abundance of love says....i created this perfect little masterpiece and it blesses my heart, and this child is so beautiful and perfect i can't bear to be apart from them a minute longer and tenderly gathers them to Himself to beautify and perfect His kingdom. i know when our son died he was not perfect, physically, healthwise, he was fighting cancer, was bald, and swollen. and i know as much as he left this world imperfectly when he arrived in Heaven he was made perfect, but what i'm trying to say in all this is,God doesnt need an excuse to call one of His precious creations to His side, He's the master designer, He has the right. and we shouldn't make excuses to by making His creation seem less than ideal when more than likely that little rose was just to perfect for Him to part with.
the other thing with people making those kind of remarks is it can make the parents feel guilty....were we horrible parents that he would have turned out this way?? where did we ere? or did i not eat right? that i miscarried? did i do too much or not take care??? NO!!! God said, i know you'll hurt for awhile...but remember i'll carry you through this.....but i need my perfect masterpiece with me to Perfect and glorify my kingdom, these precious souls are my heart i cant bear to be apart from them.........not sure that all makes sense to anyone else reading it.....but like i told my friend once, to write my mind goes faster than my pen, and i kinda feel like that tonight, my minds going faster than my fingers..............never the less i vented.....and feel a little better :)
 

                                                Letting Go Of The Eraser

Life.......sometimes I wonder where time has gone. Those carefree days of childhood when all we thought about was playing and candy and sprinklers and fields of flowers. The teen years, when we knew it all and yet knew nothing, when we had life figured out yet really had no clue about life at all, when we knew what we wanted, how to get it and there wasn’t a person or thing gonna keep our dreams and reality’s from us. Those days of youth when all was friends, roses, new love, and even bigger hopes, dreams, and pie in the sky plans. Those days of romance, of courtship and proposals of planning and marrying and we had it all figured out, life was gonna be amazing, after all we loved each other with every fiber of our beings, nothing could come between us or change that, we had our lives together mapped out the way we wanted it go, our day to day planner was penciled in, each days i's dotted and t's crossed, we were in control and on a roll. One sunny day slipped into another, Mr. Diem's work going great paychecks are covering all and more, Mrs. Diem quits her job to prepare for the first little munchkin to fill their hearts and home, he arrives big and healthy and full of life and smiles, the new little family was perfect.....LIFE WAS GOING AS SCHEDULED AND PERFECT!!

And then one day we're Goliath, and like a stone between the eyes life as we know it is over......one minute your enjoying a summer bike ride with your family, the next your in the trauma unit hearing, Mrs. Diem.....we need to prepare you, more than likely your husband will never walk again......one minute your ecstatic over a positive pregnancy test, the next you discover that baby number 2 is gone before you ever get to meet them....one minute your enjoying your family of 3....the next a bomb drops outta the blue....Mr. And Mrs. Diem your son has cancer.....one minute your hopeful, sons in remission things look good....the next your told we're so sorry, but the cancers back...one minute you grab hold of all positives and fight to win......the next your informed regrettably there's nothing more we can do......one minute you whisper it's okay to go with the angels to Jesus......the next your handed a goodbye that you never imagined you'd ever have to live through......one minute your getting back from vacation.....the next your burying your mom in law......one minute a dear friends landscaping your home......the next he's tragically taken.....one minute your preparing for a date......the next your gazing in horror at your home going up in flames......one minute you have a grandpop....the next your standing at his graveside.....one minute your adjusting your mind that your family is over....the next your reading a positive pregnancy test, ten years after the last one!!

And so life goes on, and somewhere in the midst of all the valley journeys and mountaintop adventures you realize you need to take that perfectly penciled planner and wing it. Another Goliath moment hits ya between the eyes as you realize perhaps a little late that you are so not in control of your life, in fact life isn't even about you, and never was it meant to be. Life is about living for God, about honouring and praising and glorifying Him in all things even when it seems extreme, and ugly and sad. It's about knowing that God loves us and walks with us through these storms, it's about knowing He allows us to face the ugly and messy and heartbreaking, but He doesn't cause the evil, but He will faithfully pick us up and carry us through. And so i've come to realize Life is about taking our maps and planners and schedules and agendas and saying Father......this is what i've penciled in, this is my hopes and dreams, but in all this you know best what I need, so Father, I give you the eraser!!

THON…….Largest Family Reunion Ever!!

What is THON?? When I talk about it that is the question I often here from people. Along with how do you explain it? Like someone said once, to explain it is like this, well…you really can’t! it’s kind of one of them events that to truly get it you have you to be there, you have to experience it yourself! But….I’m going to try, for the sake of you all that are in my lives and genuinely want to know and for myself, because every year I come away from this life changing mind blowing event and want everyone to share in it, to experience the magicalness of this body of people, the closeness, the encouragement, the togetherness that you just want to bottle up, the faith and dedication and strength, of not only the cancer kids, but of the parents, and the dancers! People tend to look at you a bit crazy when you say your attending an event where college students are committed to dancing 46 hours straight no sleep no sitting!! No it’s not ball room dancing, or the waltz, polka, slow dancing or even a country hoe down in a barn! But yes there’s music and a line dance and 700 or more kids who say we are going to sacrifice our time, caffeine, sleep, and even sitting down and taking a break to stay on our feet for 46 hours to fight for these kids who go through torture of cancer and all its evil buddies to raise money for them to have new medicines the best doctors and best of all so there families can pour themselves into being there and taking care of them instead of fretting over where the money is going to come from to pay for this madness!! So here is my feeble attempt at an explanation of THON…….
Every February on President’s day weekend the Bryce Jordan Center in Penn State is electrified with the buzzing of families coming in for the weekend, eyes lighting up with delight as people spot others they haven’t seen in a year, giggles of glee as kids reunite with other kids who’ve walked their same path, hugs hello, and even some tears and I’m sorrys for others whose lives have changed drastically in a years time. There is clapping and more hugs and wolf whistles as Penn State students arrive, with energy bouncing outta them like super balls on pavement!! There are however various groups that make up this great big amazing 15,000+ member family.
The first group I’ll mention, and also the most important group, if there is a chain of importance here, least ways the group that is the cause of this reunion, would be those of us that come together a diverse ragtag collection of individuals. All disease weary, some treatment worn, chemo infested, steroid pumped, others grief stricken, freshly wounded, shocked, traumatized, and still others elated, rejoicing, triumphant, celebrating. We live close together and miles apart, are of varied religions, and occupations, a kaleidoscope of race and skin color, with everything and nothing in common, yet we are one ginormous family thrown together in a giant amusement park of life (although I can’t say there’s any of us who are actually amused) to love and fight for the kids placed in our hearts and homes who’ve been handed a ticket from hell for an eternal roller coaster ride. Along with the ride we are handed phrases like evil fortune cookies, that almost send you dizzily over the edge, phrases such as, its terminal….there is nothing more we can do….its only a matter of time….its time to say goodbye….instead of careening drunkenly off the ride into a numb abyss we gather our kids close, plaster a smile on our tight stress creased faces and buckle ourselves in tighter. All the while reaching in desperation to our patchwork family for strength and comfort and for their always ready, always there, listening ears and broad shoulders. There are a few who manage to outrun this nightmare of a ride and after much sweat, blood and tears, oh so many tears, they are given a clean bill of health, and the horrible monster is pushed to its demise…or is it? Somehow at times it seems to have one foot still on the rail, and it pops up in the most unexpected times, putting a damper on happy parents and kids finally sporting a full head of hair and feeling like a social butterfly instead of a sideshow freak. It rears its ugly head in forms of what ifs…what if this ugly disease comes back, what if there’s a spot the dr’s didn’t see, what if what I think is the flue really isn’t…..and on and on. But, at THON, it’s all about these kids! It’s their weekend to shine, whether it’s in getting a wish come true in meeting the PENN STATE football team or cheer leaders, or having the chance to step in the limelight on stage in the talent and variety show, these kids are loved on, carried around high on shoulders, danced with and most importantly made to feel special and normal!! Us as parents come together feeling like finally!! Somewhere where we are all on the same page, where we all get each other, after all we are kinda a club of our own breed!!
The next group of people is the doctors and nurses and child life specialists and music therapists and a few others I’m sure I’m forgetting to mention although no less important! These amazing people are not only the ones who have had to be the bearer of the worst kind of news to parents in the form of heart stopping I’m so sorry Mr. & Mrs. ??? But your child has cancer….or there is nothing more we can do….they are the ones who are surrounded by this horror every day and when on call every night yet they still come out to this family get together. Some for the whole weekend some only for the amount of time hey got in between shifts some for only a day. These heroes that try their best to come up with a protocol a new medicine, the best treatment to help our kids fight off this horrible monster to help us receive the shortest roller coaster ride. They are the ones we as parents scream at, get angry with , cause we don’t know who else to blame even though deep in our hearts we know they are only doing what they know to do. These heroes who bravely clean up the messes, stick the needles even though they know in the kids eyes they may very well end up being the enemy, they hand out the meds even though they may end up wearing it, and yes some even let themselves be the pincushions as parents practice administering shots before being sent home to do it on their own. This group of heroes are amazing to me because after all that they still faithfully arrive at THON to show parents and their kids that are sticking by their side through not only the horrific stuff but the fun stuff to, they truly show they have a heart for their “families”!!
And now for the group that shows the most bravery, dedication, care, heartfelt genuine support and commitment to this family get together, the 700+ dancers. Those dear souls that have said we are committed to doing what we can to show these parents and kids that we are real about fighting for this nasty disease. These college kids work all year towards this weekend, they train themselves, exercise, raise money, lots of money, and spend time with the cancer kids and their families through out this year. A little while before this weekend arrives they rest up, give up all caffeine, and make sure they are physically fit in whatever areas necessary to be able to stay on their feet for 46 HOURS!! Yes you saw right, 46 HOURS!! Friday night at 6pm. Is the start of their no sitting, no sleeping, no caffeine, on their feet until 4pm Sunday commitment. Its awe inspiring to watch them take to the floor with so much aliveness and unbridled energy. They pour themselves into the line dance, the music, and entertaining the kids. Theirs usually bouncy beach balls and water guns through out the stadium in every direction you turn. As the hours pass by there is mail call for the dancers where cancer families and dancer families prepare cards and care packages ahead of time to be delivered to the dancers to keep them going, for encouragement, rejuvenation and to say thanks for what you are laying out there for us and our kids. There is costumed individuals passing through to liven things up to thrill the kids to make great photo props, anything from star wars, to nittany lion, the Philly fanatic, geico gecko to Gumby and all manner of other critters and creeps. As the weekend wears on you see the fatigue setting in, some of the dancers have this zoned look, others are crying, others become hyper, you’ll find dancers holding each other up, massaging each others feet and legs and handing out hugs, and encouragement and coming along side each other. Occasionally there’s a fallen soldier the medics remove by stretcher, sheer exhaustion, low sugar, etc gets the best of them, but they still remain heroes for giving what they had. Sunday afternoon the 300+ cancer families, those of us given a pass off this roller coaster, those of us that have been given the pass of learning how to ride this roller coaster while forever staring at an empty seat, and those who’ve just been handed their pass and are still trying to learn how to hang on, get in line to parade across stage so the dancers can witness who they are standing and fighting for. It’s an emotional time as we all get to meet the original family that was the start of this amazing invention, the Mallard’s, as well as dancers seeing families go through who are empty handed and they realize these people got the worst of the ride, then they see families pushing wheelchairs, carrying kids with feeding tubes, steroid bloating and no hair, they see families with kids who’ve fought and won but now have to live with side affects and families with kids 5, 10, 15, years out that look like they wouldn’t even know what cancer is, and they see some of their own, those who are dancing but were at one time in their lives where these kids are today, and that’s what keeps them on their feet, gives them renewed energy to stick it out those last 2-3 hours. After the parade of cancer kids and their families comes an even more emotional time, tension is running high, you can feel the jumbled tangled mix of emotions rising in the BJC as the music starts in the movie presentation in honor of the kids that are now cancer free, there is much clapping and celebration and happy tears as family and friends think about and rejoice for what their kids went through to get to this moment of health today, there is also tears of sorrow for those of us who will never see our kids in this dance of victory and yes even a stray jealousy tear or two for those experiencing what we never will. Tension is still mounting, as this video comes to a close and the next one begins. Except for the music starting a reverent hush falls over the packed to the max BJC. Tears start to fall in earnest as the first picture pops to life on the Celebration Of Life video. The video of all the kids who fought with all they had but in the end it wasn’t enough to conquer this horrible disease. A video of pieces of our hearts. As we gaze across the dance floor and the stands, it’s a sea of, 15,000+ faces and bodies, all holding up the one beside them all with tears streaming sharing in the anguish of what should have been but never would be. As this video comes to a close, the entire stadium joins in singing together…There are angels among us! It’s heartbreakingly beautiful, the dancers, families supporters in the stands swaying together you feel almost as though heaven is surely in your midst. It’s awesome to witness before your very eyes the rejuvenation taking place among the dancers, it’s like silently communicate with each other that we can do this, we can be strong, we can courageously stand for a few more short hours to keep from having anymore families see their kids end up on the last video, because our 46 hours is but a drop in the bucket to the hours of agonizing these kids face. After this video there is a bit of time until 4pm when they are given the count down to sit. It’s another emotional wave as you see these dancers finally sink exhausted to the floor among much screaming and clapping for their bravery and courage and commitment and love for the kids. Then it’s time the credits are given out to different schools, organizations etc. for the amount of money they raised over the year. When that is over then comes the huge moment of suspense, HOW MUCH WAS RAISED???????? YES!!!! Waaaaayyyyy more than last year, a whopping $10,686,924.83 FOR THE KIDS!!! Seeing that number blows my mind!! That these college kids are this dedicated to finding a cure and to being there for these families going through childhood cancer, and the other mind numbing thing is this is not nationwide this is for PENN STATE HERSHEY MEDICAL cancer families only1!
Throughout our journey of childhood in spite of the horror of the disease, in spite of the long grueling days of trips to an from the hospital, the admittances an surgeries, in spite of all this and then having to still say good-bye to the most precious big brown eyed, heart of gold, smile to melt ya into a puddle, full of I love you’s son we called Devin….in spite of all this God gave us some very precious gifts. One being the support and love we feel every time we walk through the BJC doors. Another being the friendship of a few very dear ladies, some who lost as we did, some who are rejoicing in healing. The confidence that doctors and nurses are people with hearts and not just in it for money. And so many more blessings!! And as bittersweet as it is I do find it healing (some would feel it’s in a twisted sort of way, but I’m ok with that J ) to see those kids Devin was in treatment with doing so well, beating this thing and looking so healthy.
I’m sure there are innumerable other groups I’m missing, like those who organize all the registration details, all those businesses that donated food and drinks for the families, food and drinks for the dancers, those that donated all the little stuff from tooth brushes (battery operated ones), purrell, tissues (God knows we needed those) etc. etc. to fill the bags(donated drawstring back pack style) for each of the families, or the dancers or their organization or whoever it is that take the time to decorate the families motel rooms in to welcome them, or the people that cared enough to stand in line for hours to get a floor pass for 1 HOUR to show their support to dancers, family members or friends the list is endless.
Every time I read over what I’ve written so far I come away thinking this is lame it don’t even sound right, no ones still going to get it but it’s the best I can do, to just try and put it into words don’t do it justice but there it is a little window into my world, a world I knew nothing about until that ugly never ending roller coaster landed on my doorstep. We all have things in our lives we probably would never have dreamt of doing or thought about even but because the path we were asked to travel led us there and because of how these circumstances changed us and who we are we find ourselves playing a whole new ball game, one that is part of the new us, part of the new normal were trying to fit into. On a movie recently I heard this line, “it’s the moments in life that impact us, that set the course for who we are”! A side note to family and friends, don’t shut them out cause you don’t get it or roll your eyes in oh brother why would they do this or that? Or oh boy, hang on guys, here she goes again!! But come along side encourage them to do what feels healing, try and understand that this is part of who they are now, try and feel with them, above all else just support!!
I’ve been asked, Janette, what makes you go back there? Why do you go to THON? How can you face the kids still battling after losing yours? Isn’t it hard to see all the families? Doesn’t it bring back so many feelings, and emotions? Yes!! It does bring back a lot of feelings and emotions, some sad, bittersweet, but lots of happy, loving emotions and feelings too. Too me it truly feels like coming home!! We went through fourteen months of cancer with our Devin these people become your family! When I walk into that stadium and see all those families and kids my heart melts cause I’ve been there. Yeah there is a moment or two of cardiac arrest when this one kid pops up randomly outta the crowd now and then that could be Devin’s twin brother. Seriously!! He looked just like him!! I wanted so bad to touch him and squeeze him and chat with his parents but, reall, how do you blow up to a kids family and say oh my word I just had to tell you your son looks like a twin to mine!! And they look at you beaming and say, really?!! We want to meet him……….well umm ugh he’s like not really here, you see he’s umm, well, He’s an angel now! Not really a great conversation piece for someone with hope and prayers their story doesn’t end that way. Back to why I go and what makes it feel like I’m coming home! I look into those parents eyes and see myself, I look into those kids eyes and I see my son, and in my heart I know this is where I belong for however long the season lasts, I know with out a shadow of a doubt we are all in this together, we need to come together, to buckle in along side each other and help each other hang on in this nightmarish roller coaster ride. We’ve all been there in one way or another, no one understands this horror better than those who’ve walked in these shoes. And the other very important reason for going, is the dancers, the whole FOUR DIAMONDS, THON organization. Because of them we had no worries of how we were going to pay for hospital stays and treatments. Because of them, when our son passed away, we were able to hold onto our family and grieve and love and process with out bills coming in and slapping us between the eyes that here we are still paying hugely on something we no longer have. And that is some of the explainable reasons why I THON, I thank God for the gift of these people, this dear huge wonderful family!! There is so much more I wish I could say, but honestly, I have no idea how, it’s a lot for anyone to take in, even those of us who’ve been there every year. This year dear friends of ours, Gary and Paula went as our extended family, they LOVED it, and came away totally awed!! (and we only went one day J ) but was so awesome to me to share a small window of our life with them, it felt good to knowing they were open to trying to feel and understand what makes us who we’ve become and why. Thanks, guys, we’ll never forget it!!



this is the little guy that kept popping up...an angel?? hmmm, maybe :)



this is my son Devin...definatley could have passed for brothers



singing Angel's among us



our extended family for the day!! love you guys!!




love this little soldier Seanny!! And he's 5 years cancer free!!!




the "J's" because of the path we've traveled these were our gifts along the way!!
Left to right: Janelle, (Seanny's mama) Janette, Jamie (fellow Angel mama of Brandon)
and Justin (17 years cancer free) Love these folks!!




some gals ya just know are soul sisters!!





the maxed out BRYCE JORDAN CENTER!!



I Wonder...........

First of all it's good to be back on here, although it's not been or won't be as often as i like as the only way i can get Internet back here in the sticks at this point is when hubbies home and has his 3g hot spot from his cell connected....hence the looooooonnnnggggg space of time between blogs :) we just got back last night from an amazing 9day 15th anniversary vacation in Florida but that's another blog post for another time, today I'm remembering and wondering......
Today 11 years ago our 2nd child 2nd son was born....after much pain and agony and the kid getting stuck ( even after being assured by sis. many times the likelihood of the second kid getting stuck was next to nothing)  Devin Wayne Diem made his appearance into this world, into our family, took over our hearts, every purple roly poly 9lb piece of him! the purple because the cord was around his neck twice, ( thankfully we knew nothing of at the time, though the docs were most ready to panic we found out later) He was a solid chunky ball of cuddly, snugly little boy, full of big smiles, lotsa giggles, long black eyelashes and loved to love, whether it was his daddy, big brother, mama, later on his little sister or just life, he did it with all his heart, for 5and a half wonderful years we got to love with him then cancer came and our lives changed......then death..........and that brings me to today......
as i got up this morning the first thought was we should be planning a birthday party with family and cake and presents and loving on this kid who brought so much joy to our lives but how do you party with the main attraction so missing?? and then....
i wondered for the rest of the day.........
what would he look like? would he be tall? would he like 5th grade? would his best friend still be his cousin Lyndon? would he still still have wanted chocolate cake and mint chocolate chip ice cream (the green kind:) for his birthday? would he be a grade A student like his siblings? would he still run for the door shouting daddy, daddy, daddy, when daddy got home from work? would his big brother still be his buddy and hero? his little sister his "responsibility" to protect? would he still be the first one down in the morning all snugly with sleepy i love you moms? would his eyes still light up at seeing pappy? would he still like nemo? would four wheelin with daddy be the best thing ever? would he still be going through treatment? would he be living with late stage side affects from chemo? would his growth have been stunted? he still be almost bald? would he still want to live by the beach? would he still love babies? and then............
i wondered..............
wonder if he takes care of his baby bro or sis in heaven? how do they celebrate birthdays in heaven? with angel food cake with golden candles, cotton candy clouds, snow cones, singing, dancin', throwing stardust, wear an extra special crown for the day? wonder if he plays in the ocean their, if he has a special group of buddies? or shiny angel wings? i wonder if he picks flowers for grandma there or if tells her how he wanted to help her milk cows? or sits and talks with his great grandpas? i wonder if he gets to dance across the stars or slide down rainbows? 
the wondering doesn't ever get less, the mind goes on and on and on, then i stop and think but i never have to wonder if he loved or was loved............that's a forever thing that never goes away even though the person goes on to Heaven before the rest!!

"What you have once loved you can never lose, all that you love deeply becomes a part of you!"

  Happy 11th Birthday Devin!! XOXOXO foever, Mommy