Bottled Diamonds

Tears.... I’ve had lots over the years, there’s been times I’ve wondered if I was given a few extra pipelines and some others are missing theirs....when I’m nervous I cry....when I’m sad I cry.....when I’m grieving I cry.....sometimes when I call my hubby and hear his voice I cry.....or if I haven't talked to my mom in awhile I cry.....sometimes I cry when I’m happy.....sometimes I just cry for no obvious reason....sounds of certain birds, (yes!! Paula :) there is certain birds that have a breathtaking sound that makes me tear up every spring just in case your reading this) a touching song, a memory, a goodbye, and again the waterworks are operating in full power. I've cried when my kids were sick, in pain, when they were bad, and when there was moments of joy and pride. I've cried for others, in anger over life, in offense , in sympathy, in pain, in relief, I’ve cried because I was crying and didn't want to be or couldn't stop.....there are many reasons one cries....some of us just seem to have a trigger switch.

It used to be a source of frustration, and embarrassment to me, sometimes it still can be, like in Sunday School when asked to share our heart, and our response comes out in a trembling teary muddled mess of 3 choppy sentences instead of the eloquent paragraph running through your head of whats truly on your mind and in your heart and your sitting there thinking man!! not again these ladies probably cringe every time I open my mouth, thinking oh boy there she goes again!!. And it hits ya right now, like I wasn't feeling weepy or down or anything, it wasn’t that time of the month after all I am pg so cant blame it on the rag, could say prego hormones I guess cept this is a daily thing for me. Not a good memory, but I was told once in a letter from a church official that they felt I was manipulative, and that I used my tears to try and get my own way. Sorry persons, but I was just a quaking nervous wreck, I feel bad you don't have a heart of compassion that you cant read your people better than that. This is one of the reasons I write and blog, my feelings are portrayed so much better on paper or screen than in person, and a big plus is no one gets wet!! and no one needs to dig in their purse to share their stash of tissues! (thanks Beth, your the best-est :) someone once told me it's okay to be teary, it means you have a heart for people and a sensitive nature........i like that, I think I’ll go with it!! sounds much better than, don't mind me I'm a walking rainforest, or caution old faithful could blow at any given moment because I might need to use this to my advantage somehow!

I've also come to realize tears can be incredibly healing, like a deep cleansing relief. (yes!! I am one of those woman that will purposely sit down with a cry the whole way through movie just to get it outta my system) if you've never done that you should try it, you might end up with a migraine but you'll feel much better :) The Bible does say theres a time to weep....sometimes we just gotta make time.

There is a verse in the bible Psalm56:8 that talks about our tears and how that God catches each one and collects them in a bottle....that has been incredibly comforting to me through the many rainy seasons of my life, (although I’m sure years ago He traded my bottle in on a 50 gallon drum). But I love the mental picture I get of God holding us close when we cry, for whatever reason, and taking His thumb and gently catching each tear and bottling them. Leaves me feeling warm and cozy like a little girl snuggling on her daddies lap. I love the thought that to God I am that important, my tears are that important, that He cares and loves me so much that even my tears are like precious rare diamonds for Him to collect and treasure. I'm thinking Heaven must have millions of rainbows from the Son shining through all those bottled diamonds! And to Him it doesn't matter how we portray our hurts, struggles, joys or whatever, we don't need to have a flowery eloquent speech with all the right words and and dry eyes He just wants us to communicate with Him, He longs to hold us and listen to our heart even if every quiet time with Him is in a puddle! So don't ever be ashamed of your tears, after all God himself created us with this inner fountain and He treasures every leaky drop! I remember laughing at my son when he was 3 or 4, now 13, when he was crying bout something and hubby asked him why he was still crying, he replied cause my weepy thing still works :) i've come to be thankful for my weepy thing and the wondrous workings of it and the way its made for us to cleanse and heal and relate and rejoice and feel. the saying goes....tears are a language...i've come to believe that, although those around you may not always understand it doesn't matter where your at in life, what country your from what language you speak tears speak straight to the Father's heart and he understands every drop!

A Perspective From One Whose Been There

First of all i promise all my posts won't be on death and dying and grieving......on the other hand it does feel at times that this subject has been a bigger part of my life. Anyway this angle of the subject has been going through my head alot the last few weeks. Maybe it's because i overheard a few people talking about another aqauintance who just went through a miscarriage, or maybe because finding out at age 37 and 10 years after your last one your pregnant again and the scenarios that run through your mind are not always pretty and frankly a tad frightening or maybe it's remembering remarks individuals said to and about us as we went through times of loss, i really don't know what triggered it but for what it's worth i'm gettin it outta my system.
finding out we are pregnant was an amazing wonderful although terrifying surprise!! after all it's been10 years since we found ourselves in this situation. it seriously kind of feels like the first one all over again, where do we start, is this feeling normal, should i have this trouble already, etc etc the mind goes ninety mile an hour with answers not necessarily any answers always. but in light of life and losses and dark times we journeyed we really feel like it has been a gift straight from Heaven, a rainbow after the storm kind of experiance. as i was adjusting to the fact that this was really happening my mind again went in all directions, down many avenues that werent really healthy or encouraging such as what if my age makes for more risks or less healthy baby or what if we miscarriage??? and that last question brought me to the conversation i overheard and to the time 12 years ago when i experianced that very thing, and the remark i heard and that was made to me was.....i'm sure it's best, after all the baby was probably handicapped or mentally unhealthy!!!! this is where i have found myself mauling lately....i despise that thought!!! Number one no mother wants to envision the baby she carries as being freakish and less than perfect, number two, i'm not saying that isn't the case at times, i know there is evidence of health issues, but i don't think God's perfect Heaven is sporting a bunch of sweet unperfect babies. when our Devin died at 5 we had people make remarks like well maybe he would have grown up to be a trouble maker or rebelled! What?? i as a mother was horrified to think of my darling, innocent beautiful boy being a hellion!! No...as his mother i refuse to think that....i dont think God looks from Heaven and says you know what, this kid is gonna cause issues so were gonna take him and end that right now....NO!!! i believe that God in all His perfectness looks at these precious little souls and smiles in pride and with overflowing abundance of love says....i created this perfect little masterpiece and it blesses my heart, and this child is so beautiful and perfect i can't bear to be apart from them a minute longer and tenderly gathers them to Himself to beautify and perfect His kingdom. i know when our son died he was not perfect, physically, healthwise, he was fighting cancer, was bald, and swollen. and i know as much as he left this world imperfectly when he arrived in Heaven he was made perfect, but what i'm trying to say in all this is,God doesnt need an excuse to call one of His precious creations to His side, He's the master designer, He has the right. and we shouldn't make excuses to by making His creation seem less than ideal when more than likely that little rose was just to perfect for Him to part with.
the other thing with people making those kind of remarks is it can make the parents feel guilty....were we horrible parents that he would have turned out this way?? where did we ere? or did i not eat right? that i miscarried? did i do too much or not take care??? NO!!! God said, i know you'll hurt for awhile...but remember i'll carry you through this.....but i need my perfect masterpiece with me to Perfect and glorify my kingdom, these precious souls are my heart i cant bear to be apart from them.........not sure that all makes sense to anyone else reading it.....but like i told my friend once, to write my mind goes faster than my pen, and i kinda feel like that tonight, my minds going faster than my fingers..............never the less i vented.....and feel a little better :)
 

                                                Letting Go Of The Eraser

Life.......sometimes I wonder where time has gone. Those carefree days of childhood when all we thought about was playing and candy and sprinklers and fields of flowers. The teen years, when we knew it all and yet knew nothing, when we had life figured out yet really had no clue about life at all, when we knew what we wanted, how to get it and there wasn’t a person or thing gonna keep our dreams and reality’s from us. Those days of youth when all was friends, roses, new love, and even bigger hopes, dreams, and pie in the sky plans. Those days of romance, of courtship and proposals of planning and marrying and we had it all figured out, life was gonna be amazing, after all we loved each other with every fiber of our beings, nothing could come between us or change that, we had our lives together mapped out the way we wanted it go, our day to day planner was penciled in, each days i's dotted and t's crossed, we were in control and on a roll. One sunny day slipped into another, Mr. Diem's work going great paychecks are covering all and more, Mrs. Diem quits her job to prepare for the first little munchkin to fill their hearts and home, he arrives big and healthy and full of life and smiles, the new little family was perfect.....LIFE WAS GOING AS SCHEDULED AND PERFECT!!

And then one day we're Goliath, and like a stone between the eyes life as we know it is over......one minute your enjoying a summer bike ride with your family, the next your in the trauma unit hearing, Mrs. Diem.....we need to prepare you, more than likely your husband will never walk again......one minute your ecstatic over a positive pregnancy test, the next you discover that baby number 2 is gone before you ever get to meet them....one minute your enjoying your family of 3....the next a bomb drops outta the blue....Mr. And Mrs. Diem your son has cancer.....one minute your hopeful, sons in remission things look good....the next your told we're so sorry, but the cancers back...one minute you grab hold of all positives and fight to win......the next your informed regrettably there's nothing more we can do......one minute you whisper it's okay to go with the angels to Jesus......the next your handed a goodbye that you never imagined you'd ever have to live through......one minute your getting back from vacation.....the next your burying your mom in law......one minute a dear friends landscaping your home......the next he's tragically taken.....one minute your preparing for a date......the next your gazing in horror at your home going up in flames......one minute you have a grandpop....the next your standing at his graveside.....one minute your adjusting your mind that your family is over....the next your reading a positive pregnancy test, ten years after the last one!!

And so life goes on, and somewhere in the midst of all the valley journeys and mountaintop adventures you realize you need to take that perfectly penciled planner and wing it. Another Goliath moment hits ya between the eyes as you realize perhaps a little late that you are so not in control of your life, in fact life isn't even about you, and never was it meant to be. Life is about living for God, about honouring and praising and glorifying Him in all things even when it seems extreme, and ugly and sad. It's about knowing that God loves us and walks with us through these storms, it's about knowing He allows us to face the ugly and messy and heartbreaking, but He doesn't cause the evil, but He will faithfully pick us up and carry us through. And so i've come to realize Life is about taking our maps and planners and schedules and agendas and saying Father......this is what i've penciled in, this is my hopes and dreams, but in all this you know best what I need, so Father, I give you the eraser!!