Hope-Filled Mess

it's been an emotional week. a bittersweet week. a week filled with the heightened excitement of the Christmas festivities fast approaching, yet clouded by the sadness of a loved ones time here on earth cut short. a week of sharing tears with the family and friends left behind to pick up the fragmented pieces of their life and gather up what Christmas spirit is left and wearily plod forward, and a week of rejoicing that the beloved Husband, son, daddy, pawpaw, friend gone on before us was ready to meet our Jesus and is home free and safe and living new life in the majestic Glories of Heaven!! Jerome, heaven is a sweeter, brighter homeland than ever before with your arrival!! we didn't get together often, a random night out for dinner her and there, a sporadic evening of catching up around a campfire, or celebrating a birthday, but, we always looked forward to our traditional New Years Eve party and though it may have been months in between our times of hanging out we could always count on picking up with you and Karen right we left off, and always looked forward to playing games, eating to much and laughing harder than we had in awhile. You will be greatly missed and ever so fondly remembered!! you had an infectious laugh, and drew people in with your friendliness and your contagious joy of life and positive outlook, the day we left your services the sky was beyond amazing, there was clouds and sunrays and the heavens breaking apart to let the glorious light shine through at random places and it appeared as though Heaven couldn't contain it's celebration of another Child of God arriving home and like your laugh and your character it was spreading the love and joy around and oozing out of Heaven to your loved ones still here on earth.

 

 Every year it seems I see the Christmas story, season, celebration in a new way. through all the roller coaster of emotions this past week and then hearing heart friends, pew sisters, families vocalize their happiness, their accomplishments and festivities along with a gamut of pain and frustration, anger and heartbreak over a catalog of hurting, heart wrenching, reasons, in my mind I kept seeing the stable and the pure selfless love of our Jesus and Savior to present us with the most priceless gift ever offered us, in coming to this crazy, sin-dirty, messed up, world as tiny babe. I love the Christmas Story, I love how Mary was just an ordinary gal, no big shot celebrity, well known model or from the high class "right Side" of the tracks. She was just Mary, courting, just Joseph, two humble human souls quietly living their humble lives for their God and when He came to them and spoke what was to be, they listened and embraced the news. I cringe sometimes at the frustration I think surely my Father must feel towards me at times, as much as I wish it otherwise it's a blue moon if I actually succeed briefly at getting my ducks all in a row, more often than not it feels like a drunken sloppy attempt to keep afloat and the feeble attempt at a straight line is an exhausted me panting zig as they all zag, to be honest most days I'm not even certain we're even in the same body of water! this is where when I think of  Mary, she inspires me to be heart wide open always for whatever God wants from me, to listen, ears ever tuned to His voice, His direction and calling and then to embrace full on what He asks, to stop being so quick to question and doubt and him haw around but to "roll" with it, fully committed and trusting. I mean think about us and birthing our kids.....a stable, really?? most of us would have been livid bringing precious cargo that we gave up shapely legs, perfect weight and "trim healthy no-mama" waists for, into a very non sterile, filthy delivery room, unequipped with docs, let alone midwives, or latest emergency technology or a hot tub. and once all that sweat, blood and tears was out of the way and we're floating in new baby euphoria and everything is all little pink toes and goo-goo gah-gah, there would be no besties showing up with little cutsie outfits and hugs and gigantic flower and balloon bouquets. but, Mary, she embraced the stable!! she was about to deliver royalty, she could have demanded a penthouse suite, or at least ocean front at the Hilton!! but....she embraced the stable cause she knew her Father and that His plan for her and their son was God ordained. and so our Jesus, delivered in a stable, you know what's in most stables, barns, animal house types of places, right??!! there's the animals of course, the pigs and their own unique nastiness, then the cows, they chew and slobber green, and swish matted toilet brush tails and with them are flies, then theres the horses and more shaking of hairy dusty manes and long stringy hairy tails and hooves that have all manner of evil stuck up in them, then the sheep, with thick dusty, burr filled wool coats and worms, (only experience we ever had with sheep consisted of many worms), then the chickens, that flit and flap and spin hay and peck and grunt and sqawk and poop everywhere every 6 and a half strutty steps and for all these critters there's mites and allergens from the fur and fuzz and hide and wool and feathers, and in the corners theres spiders and cobwebs and high dark corners theres bats and barn swallows and sparrows and the occasional owl and pigeons and there many droppings and under the hay can be rats and snakes and roaches and beady eyed mice, and along with all that is the dried corn for feed or maybe the slop for the pigs and a forgotten hidden egg here or there gone bad, and you combine that all together to create a nasty rank assortment of messy at a level all it's own with dust and dirt and manure and vermin and just nasty disgusting filthy messiness..............yet this...........is where God chose His son to be birthed..........that.......speaks to me.....it speaks life, and comfort and love and HOPE, HOPE of the highest degree, HOPE of the royalist kind!! to me it says my Jesus was born in the perfect delivery room, because my Jesus gets our messy, He embraced messy from birth!! He gets that I mess up royally, that I get angry at my kiddos, and frustrated at the man I love and made a life vow to, that I get jealous, and grumpy, I sin, He gets when I'm at an all time low in sadness or anxiety, in fear or doubt,or just plain irritable, He gets there are times that I don't know how or can't or just plain won't pray. He gets there are times that I just don't want to go to church or worship, or be happy or choose joy or love that particular "thorn" or read His word or ADULT! But....just because He "gets it" that does not give me an excuse to float along doing and living and acting how i want. because i know Him an His great love for me and the price He paid for me that means i also know that He will be my comfort and Life and Love and Hope and that i can invite Him into my dirty messed up humanness every single time, even when it feels some weeks it's every blessed day, or hour!! I love that He doesn't get irritated at me and walk away in a huff, tossing me aside and just give up on me!! He is always running towards me ready to embrace me fully, His ultimate goal in coming into my dirt and filth is to see me running towards Him every time instead of choosing to blindly ineffectively trying so hard and often to go it myself!! I love that hope arrived with life and full of love that long ago day in Bethlehem in the middle of all the messiness, it keeps me going when I feel unstable and fumbling, it provides me we strength to keep running towards My Jesus, to embrace the life He has for me and gives me courage to share His love in whatever messy is around me, giving me hope that no matter how inadequate I feel at times, or how often I feel I fail, He loves me and my mess unconditionally, and some day our running towards each other will end in each others arms, home forever!
food for thought......... ARE YOU PART OF THE INN CROWD, OR THE STABLE FEW............

 

He Cares

It's the morning after the dreaded 10th year mark of letting go of Devin. And, Praise God, I can honestly say, it was a really good day!! Somehow the anticapation of the day and what to do with it grows huge and overwhelming in my mind as the day approaches. It's one of those dates you can't not remember but the proper protocol for dealing with it is a bit blurred and alot of uncertainty and anxiety precede it. While I was in the middle of blogging the previous post I got a text from my dear friend Miriam, she wondered if she could bring lunch and hang out awhile on Devins 10th year mark. I just love how my Father already was taking care of the details of the dreaded day and sending me who and what I needed to deal with memories and heartpain. He truly answers before we ask at times and knows and cares about every detail of our lives.This dear soul sister friend is one of those besties that has been a rock to me over the years in spite of wading through some serious murky life waters herself. She arrived with pure comfort food, pizza, Pepsi and potato chips!! And a gorgeous bouquet of flowers of many kinds, in shades of greens, pinks, peaches, an almost shabby chic style maybe, whatever,  it's elegantly old fashioned and full of love!  We munched and chatted and remenisced. Back when our kiddos were little we were together alot, we scrapbooked, and yardsaled and had yardsales and shared birthday parties and vacationed and babysat for one another. Her Taylor and my Devin were best of friends and we giggled about the shared kiss between the two of them stolen on her back porch to the shock and horror of their older siblings. They played so well together, he'd dress up in pink hats and push baby carriages he loved hard and was protective of his girls whether his lil sister or his best lil girlfriend.
The day and the shared friendship and memories was great and it was a needed reminder to me to stay out of my own head so much, to dwell on the memories we were blessed with and be thankful for those dear souls we've been gifted in life to help us carry our load, and to remember there are others that have been suckered punched with a few curveballs in life too and to reach out and be therefor them, to listen, really listen to hear their heart as they share memories if that's what is needed, or vent their frustrations, fears, or failures. And the thing is, that dust bunny you thought you had to nail down, that load if laundry that needs folded and put away isn't gonna grow legs and walk away anytime soon and that shelf full of books that are every which way and upside down, will still be there for your ocd fix tomorrow, but our friends, our families,  time with them is eternally precious and ever so short, grab every moment ya can! Open your hearts and arms to them, give them a safe haven, a place to feel heard and loved, don't listen to fix, listen to hear, hear their heart. Jesus didn't push souls away, He said come unto me all that are weary and I'll give you rest. Jesus, is pure love and comfort, and we're plainly told in His word to be as Jesus, to embrace, and live His persona!! I just want to say thankyou from the bottom of my heart to each of you that has been Jesus to me this week, Rhonda your package was such a blessing, full of care and love and so timely, Laura, a bright sparkly box on the day, filled with comfort words and encouragement and your heart shining out of happy lil Sami fishes big twinkle eyes, life is hard at times, but, "we'll just keep swimming "!! :) thankyou to everyone else for the prayers, messages, texts and care, I'm beyond blessed and pray I can be to someone someday what each of you has been to me. Miriam,  Thankyou for being my rock over so many years, thankyou for remembering with me and talking about Devin, you know it heals, we've been blessed with a beautiful friendship and I treasure it, what, all because of a yardsale and car crash?? :) love you girl!
P.S. that couple pic, we really need an update!! ;)

Letting Go, Again

October 11, 2006, today Dr. N came to Devin's room at Hershey to make sure we were ok and to go over the next, and final step of this horrific nightmare we found ourselves in. He wanted to make sure we undoubtedly understood that we were at the end of the cancer treatment line. that, chemo was no longer working, and although radiation was very slowly shrinking the targeted cancer spot, there was another mass rapidly growing behind the original mass area, and, it was also in his marrow and blood and bones. he wanted to see us take our Devin home, to live what miniscule life he had left in his own comfort zone, surrounded by his family, and, he was prepared to get us set up to do that, and keep him as comfortable as possible. Dr. N also wanted us to understand the choice we had to make of refusing any resuscitation in the hospital if Devin should code while we were still there. with tear filled eyes he assured us that should it be his child, he wouldn't want that, that if they would resuscitate, it would be only for our benefit of hanging on a bit longer, prolonging the letting go that was inevitable. that decision, is one no parent should ever have to face, there's guilt if you hang on and ask him to fight when he's already given his all in a tremendous heroic effort, there's guilt if you let go, cause, what if, there was something else we could have done, what if, we gave up to soon, what if, he feels like we abandoned him, what if........
October 11, 2016 here we are 10 years later...... the last few weeks have been rather brutal, to say the least. there are things in losing a child that you have fought a nasty battle beside, that are forever etched in your mind!! decisions, such as the one above, that go round and round in your head, words, phrases, terms you can never unhear, faces of pain, acceptance, numbness, unbelief, fear and body changes in your child you can never unsee!! and, just because it's been 10 years, doesn't mean the why's and wonderings and the pain and torment of it all has vanished, some days I think it intensifies as life goes by and time goes on and the longing to just be in heaven with him gets ever stronger. there's so much heaviness in me over this particular month, and two of my dearest friends have both had to let their precious boys go this month also, to the same ugly cancer monster.
October 12 ,2006 today is our 10th anniversary, a date I always dreamed would be spent somewhere warm and tropical, lazing on a sandy beach, listening to seagulls and ocean waves , smelling fresh salt breezes and coconut sunscreen as we hold hands and gaze in each others eyes, pledging again to stand by each other through whatever life threw our way for the next 10 years, or a lifetime! today, we wake up groggy from a sleep deprived stupor, aching from taking shifts of curling our bodies around our precious Devin and snuggling him close in a crunchy, crackly, hospital bed made ideally for one, then switching out to trade places on a unforgivenly hard thin mattressed, slightly wider than ones body, cold window seat, directly under the central air units, to lay almost fetal like with arms wrapped around our own bodies as though to shield ourselves from the reality of impending doom, tears constantly on flow voluntarily down our numb faces, mostly unnoticed, and unaware they're even there, we lay there staring into the darkness, the only light is the eerie green yellow glow of the monitors, the only sound is an ominous hiss of airflow, pressure cuff, and the wheezing breaths of soon to be gone, beloved son, neither of us dares utter a word, just in case that other partner caught a rare few moments of blissful slumber, or maybe because it was just to exhausting to summon the energy to try and form words that in the end, weren't even there, so we lay alone in a tiny crowded sterile cancer room, tense, cold and waging war with our own minds, getting up at random times to stare into the face of our child and going over every detail of his precious face, reaching out to kiss a fluid filled cheek, hold his warm chubby hand, caress his bald head, desperately trying to etch every detail in our heart to hang onto for those long days of no longer having him here to look at, barely managing to keep ourself from crawling inside our own mind and giving into the insanity loitering at the outskirts, waiting to devour us alive. morning finally arrives and instead of wrapping ourselves up in each other and celebrating our continued love and mile marker of 10 years, we're being wrapped in hugs, and kind words and tears and reverent solemn goodbyes. the halls were lined with Devin's docs , nurses, aids, therapists, social workers, child life specialists, etc. and other patient families, as we, with heavy steps, began our last trek home from 7th floor west. it was a surreal bittersweet feeling, ecstatic we were able to take him home, suffocating, in that it really was the end of the end, so final, so very, very cold. it's a tug of war mental game to feel celebratory of the day you pledged your heart to your true love, and trying to grasp, instead of the letting go, the celebration of 5 precious gifted years with Devin, and the celebration of now he gets to be pain free, and in the arms of Jesus!
October 12, 2016, today, is our 20th anniversary and all I can do is relive 10 years ago when we brought Devin home for the last time from anywhere in this life, and we got to love on him and hold him and bask in his presence for one whole day.  I volley between feeling overwhelming sadness and despondent, to peacefully elated that we had a bit of time with him, and thankful that we had warning that he was fading and had a bit of a chance to prepare ourselves, and yet can any parent truly prepare themselves for heartbreak?! I hardly know what to feel on this day anymore, I'm torn between wanting to be delighted in that we've made it 20 years together through a whole lot of hellish rides, to feeling mournful at what was, and is no longer here.
October 13, 2006 another practically sleepless night, not for lack of a comfortable bed, or interruptions, but for the fact that we were running on adrenalin and fueled by a desperation to not miss one single minute of Devin's life, sleeping, or awake, alert or not alert, time we had left with him. the day started out with him up and moving a little, and giving hugs and precious I love yous, but as the day wore on the energy faded, the movement stopped, the eyelids closed oftener, the fluid increased, the pain incomprehendable, the breathing more labored, the communication non existent. we were blessed with being surrounded by flowers, food, family and friends. we stayed by his side every minute, prepared to do just that, even if it meant many days over, but.....by 11.20 pm. it was over.........he ran to Jesus with daddy and mommy by his side, with pappy and meemaw and aunt Angie and Uncle Aaron with us. we all breathed a shaky, teary sigh of relief that the waiting game was over, that he was no longer suffering, but, on the heels of that, the brutal reality that it really is over, and we're never going to be the same, and somehow we're going to have to get through yet another horrendous ride. praise God the hospice nurse was there also, and we all stepped back and quietly left her to do what needed done in cleaning and changing him and notifying the funeral home, which, to our surprise, came right out that night yet to take him on yet another gurney ride to yet another cold, sterile facility. what an out of body sensation, to see a hearse in the eeriness of night pull up to your house, then drive away with your son. my dear friend Miriam, who had been there earlier in the eve, and had stuck by us through the whole cancer nightmare, arrived then just to hug us and make sure we were alright.
when ones loved one dies, one doesn't get to crawl in a hibernation spot of choice and let the world go on , no, there a bazillion choices that need a semi clear answer too, like the color of casket, and burial clothes, and the design of memorial cards and words and fonts and colors and a picture of him or not a picture of him, and the times of services and the service location and those officiating and the order of service and the reading choice and the songs, and the choice of pallbearers and NO, THERE WILL NOT BE A LAST VIEWING IN FRONT OF THE FUNERAL CONGREGATION and does the mama really have to wear black? I mean, I'd rather wear happy, joyful, celebratory, he's pain free, and in heaven after all, and black is soooo..... black!! the decisions were seemingly endless and so  terribly overwhelming to a sleepless, overloaded, yet very empty parent brain. exhaustion suffocated, and uncontrollable crying jags accosted us, yet, as the house emptied and we would try and retire we were met with nothing more than tossing turning and more tears. my family, bless their hearts, picked up quickly the reality of the situation and arrived the next day with sleeping pills.
October 12, 2016 letting go of a child is not an event a parent soul ever gets over!! that week I remember clearly thinking, how, under the sun am I going to make it through the next month, let alone the next year, and yet, here it is, 10 years out! don't ever, people, tell someone they need to get over a death and move on..... there is no getting over, that child was  a product of our love and union, grown and birthed in us, they heard the beating of our mama heart from the inside, we loved, shielded, nurtured and protected that precious human being from their first breath until their last, however long or short it was, that is not something any mama/daddy gets over. we learn to deal, to cope, to move forward in spite of. we continue on with a chunk of heart missing and rearranged as carefully as it can be, we grab hold of our mates and reach out in our faith and cling to our families and friends and support groups, but we still remember, we still miss and love and cry and long for what was, for wholeness.
through all the fiercely heart squeezing, muddied mix of emotions and run away feelings each year, one thing I'm always, always, grateful for, is the being made aware ahead of time, and as feeble as it was, the opportunity, the gift we were given, to try and get some semblance of mind preparation, that this was the end of the end, that we were gifted with time to let go and say our I love yous and steal  hugs and kisses and precious moments. August 2005, when we were numbly being escorted from clinic across the bridge to the hospital for Devin to be admitted upon the earth shattering news of , I'm sorry Mr. and Mrs. Diem, your son has cancer, I was being chauffeured by nurse Joanne in a wheelchair with Devin curled up on my lap, flanked by daddy and my sister Ang and my mom and we stepped into the hospital second floor to be greeted by a very solemn/ shocked faced, group of acquaintances from our youth days. talking to them we found out the one young married guys wife was in a horrific car crash, she was alive, but not living, and the dear man had a choice to make, so heart wrenching, he let go awhile later, no time for another I love you no warning to prepare. October, 2006, we're in radiation waiting room, the hospital is filled on all levels with numb faced, shell shocked amish, the cruel ugly world has reached their peaceful nonresistant world, rocking them to the core with it's ugliness and horror. they can't unsee the terror that surprised them in that school room, they can't fix their broken girls, their haunted kids, they can't bring back those they had to let go of to soon, they just fold their arms over themselves and remain stonefaced, trying to somehow move forward, trying to be where they are needed yet constantly trying to avoid the press and wanting to sit and wait but every room they want to wait in has a tv blaring the tragic news, running before their eyes, yet again the injustice and unthinkable tragedy dealt them. my heart ached beyond words for these starched, dark clad, solemn souls, yet I had no emotion or energy or words left in me to give, I was holding in my lap a precious child of my own, fighting our own victoryless war, but I was given a chance to say goodbye, I was warned that our time was coming to termination, they woke up to sunshine and fall leaves only to be met head on with hurricanes and naked twisted storm tossed devestaion. October 13,2006 , the day we let go of our precious Devin, a former church family of ours was reeling in shock as their father and husband left this world suddenly from a heart attack. 2 goodbyes in one day, both so vastly different, they were sucker punched with the devastation their day ended with, we were feeling torn between celebratory elation, that Devin now had eternal quality of life and homefree and immense sadness that our family would never be complete again this side of heaven.
its October 12, 2016 10 years later, I still battle immense feelings of sadness and at times the guilt and wonderings of what ifs surface, and i'll be honest, I know I have innumerable blessings staring me in the face, but somedays it's easier to give in and just embrace being a "grumpdog" (word of my niece, so appropriate at times) even though I know it won't make things any better and that more often than not I end up with a headache. I know this is another one of those seasons, we'll get through it, because another gift we've been privileged to receive is the gift of faith, I don't know how anyone gets through the letting go without faith, faith that God knows the plans He has for us, and faith that one day He will wipe away every tear, and without hope, hope of being reunited in Heaven for all eternity, and without friends and family, those darling souls that come alongside and carry and hold and encourage and lift up and sing the notes when you can't and offer you shoulders and tissues and love and meals and the necessary at times, reprimand to toss off the "grumpdog" and take stock of your blessings and gifts.
getting over the letting go of a child isn't something you ever do, letting go of and getting over the anger and injustice is a must to heal, although it's a process that may require a lifetime as it's not as easy done as said, and will pop up unexpectedly at the randomest times, that's ok, the key is to keep releasing it back to the Father and yet again choosing to look for the stars on the darkest of nights, searching for the rainbows on the cloudiest of days, listening for the music in noisy mahem of life, counting your blessings in the bleakest of circumstances, clinging to Father always even when it feels like the rooms empty, He never leaves, He's always, always by ourside.

Recipe For Comfort and ......Butter ;)

I've never considered myself a "foodie" blogger, I have, however, an insatiable love of food itself, and have imagined and dreamed and plotted for years of creating my very own cookbook, a pregnancy at this juncture with no imminent birth! I love, recipes, particularly those delightfully simplistic ones that add captivating eye appeal to your buffet line up and are equally tantalizing to the taste buds, yet require minimum brain power or bodily movement! I love to cook, and bake, especially love to bake pies, pies of most any and all kind!! I love to create foods to entertain and socialize around! I confess I get weary of making dinners every night, some days there's just to much mental stimuli involved to hatch a decent meal, one that's pleasing to everyone's pallet, found at least a degree on the health meter, doesn't require the bulk of your entire day, doesn't leave your kitchen like a war zone and your feet swollen with the feeling of walking on a bed of nails! I love to party!! I love to gather dear souls around pretty dishes and teacups and dazzling dainties and marvelous munchies and connect hearts and lives amidst laughs and stories and tears and love! I love those nothing fancy down to earth, my peeps are coming over, throw on the pot of coffee, and dig out the paper ware, and freezer stash and random tossed together eats and hang out and hear each others hearts and catch up on life, and sharing and bearing the good the bad and ugly together heart moments that being blessed with besties give us in life! I love comfort!! and I love food that squeals and dances and dramatically sighs, comfort!! comfort food to me is all things, that while consuming, leaves me wanting to purr loudly, while sighing in pure contentment, food that speaks to my soul wrapping itself around my person like a warm blanket, a touch of home and peace, food that makes me want to dance and bathe myself in it simultaneously, food that, as my dear friend Sherry would say, causes you to quietly tune out the rest of the world while you create a relationship with it, excuse me a moment, please, said foodie and I are having a moment, if you don't mind!! did I mention I love to party??!! there just isn't anything quite like a party with , wait for it, ba-dum-shaaa.....COMFORT!!! I love having in home party shows. mine are from being majorly successful sometimes, but as much as I like earning free or discounted products, I just love offering an excuse to hang out with ladies and giving mamas a brief night off to focus on something other than grubby hands, snotty noses and their four-walls, or to refocus and step back and breath in a gulp of fresh air before hitting the ground running for another day in the mommy trenches. last night I had an in home LuLaRoe party with the beautiful and precious to me Collette Henry! this type of party was new to me, the dear Collette, a treasured soul of history! she was a loving, ever so gentle and caring cancer nurse of Devin's. He dearly loved her, wouldn't talk usually, but would ask me if Collette was his nurse that day and would beam with sheer joy whenever she was. Anyway, it was absolutely delightful to invite her to my humble abode and reconnect after 10 years, over the spectacular line of women's clothes she sells and of course a plethora of refreshments. sounds like an amazing party already doesn't it?? I mean, really ladies, foods, friends and shopping, all at one warm homey locale, what more of a therapy session does one need, all relationships in one fell swoop!! one thing I always seem to somehow not get right is the amount of munchies I make and serve, no matter how big or small the party I somehow could still manage to supply the neighborhood and all their shindigs for the remainder of the week!! I was told by several friends that I would fall in love with this particular line of clothing, they said, and I quote, "its all so COMFORTABLE!! the leggings, especially, they feel like, BUTTER, you'll just want to live in them!!"( perty sure there's a thing here ladies, ALOT of my COMFORT recipes contain BUTTER!!) I did fall in love with these garments! loved the maxi skirts!! never ever considered myself a leggings gal, I mean, just the visual of a whale in leggings didn't hold any real appeal, and the thought of swathing my cellulite in butter never occurred to me either!! and then.....I just let myself peer at them, and the peering, led to me caressing them......and I just wanted to clutch them tight to me and curl up with a good book or movie or ......my thumb!!! that was the beginning a blossoming relationship,, after that I had to try them on, along with a gorgeous oversized shirt that left all my mama induced extras well endowed and shielded from my party persons and no one could attest to being scarred for life, or unwittingly entertained, or screaming for new retinas to un-see what just blobbed in front of their eyeballs, and the result.......my thighs were ecstatic!! i'm pretty sure I heard them high five one another before breathing a sigh of pure contentment!! seriously though, no worries on me frightening your kiddos or causing you to lose your lunch, I plan to grace your presence in my newly acquired gorgeous maxi skirt and curl up in my butter, or leggings that is, in my own comfort zones!! along with all the apparel wonderfulness I had made a feast of party pickings, somehow I went all dippy, literally with 2 different dips and taco boats and crabby biscuit cups and an assortment of desserts, I found it all rather delightful, though my hubby rolls his eyeballs at having leftovers for daze!! so at the request of my peeps to put a recipe on here from last night I decided to do just that before I forget. sometimes I get in a kick to make something the world doesn't offer, or I can't find the right taste bud tickling recipe for, or at least one without a quadrillion steps so I put on my big girl apron and make it myself, or I come across a recipe that looks scrumptious but has a bit to many odd ingredients or unnecessary details and movements and I tweek to my approval, this is one such recipe. so without further ado here is one of those appetizers or party foods that makes your person exhale in pure unadulterated purring!!                       (p.s. it could be a good day to start a new relationship, to butter them legs, curl up with a plate of these and a movie and forget about the universe!! just saying!! ) 
for me, that's gonna have to wait, I'm off to continue laundry and proceed to filling my queenly domain with the comforting aroma and birth of 260 white chocolate truffle with raspberry frosted (can anyone say comfort?!?!) wedding cupcakes and 150 more of golden and chocolate with vanilla frosted wedding cupcakes!!


CRABBIE BISCUIT BITES


2 cans of Pillsbury flaky grand biscuits
8 oz. softened cream cheese
1/2 cup mayo
3 tsp. lemon juice
1 tsp. soy sauce
1 onion finely chopped
2 cans (6oz) drained crabmeat
2 tsp. minced garlic
1 cup mozzarella cheese
2/3 cup mozzarella cheese


preheat oven to 375 degrees
in a small bowl (I just did this using my kitchen aide mixer and bowl) combine all ingredients except crab and biscuits. mix well, gently fold in crab. peel biscuits into 3 layers, press each one into greased tart/mini muffin cups, should make 40-46 cups, divide filling into cups, sprinkle tops with 2/3 cups cheese, bake 12-15 minutes or until biscuits are golden, allow to cool 5 minutes, place on plate and enjoy!!
aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh comfort!!
may each of your day be filled with sunshine and butter, umm, blessings!!

For Such A Time As This

So I left my last post in peace!! A strange, other worldly cocoon of tranquility in spite of the major unknown, glaringly looming front and center in my life! the Bible verse, Peace, which passes all understanding took on a whole new meaning!! there is hardly words to describe the okay-ness I felt in my heart, that what ever the biopsy showed, I knew I would be fine, I knew with a certainty beyond my power, down into my very core, that whatever I was handed in this detour of our life, it was already being handled, already being carried by my Father. I felt the calm, and support of being surrounded by prayer warriors, of my family, my dearest friends and their families, by our church body and pew sisters. I had friends and family across the globe, lifting me and my uncertain future up to our Father, interceding on my behalf for peace and calm and healing and for a miracle, for the doctors and technicians and clear readings and diagnosis. That all being said, I myself, could not find the strength to utter a prayer bigger than, Father, or God please, or a middle of the night Jesus........but, still there was a calm and peace because I knew it was already in His hands, and because I knew every precious person that was handpicked by my God, for me, was praying me through, carrying me through this, each was given to me for such a time as this! Prayer is real people!! each of us carrying the other, coming along side the other, is real and powerful and a very priceless precious gift given to us by our Father, our God, for our health and well being, to cushion our path of life, to help us fly when our wings are broken, to help us sing when our song is silenced, to give us a voice when ours stutters and shakes, for sunshine in our gray season, for rain in our drought...... FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS!!!! I remember vividly going through those first fearful, suffocating days and weeks after Devin's cancer diagnosis, a friend, asked how I was really doing with everything, and wondered how I was holding up, and I said, I'm so numb I can't even pray, and her reply was, a hug, along with some of the most precious words I ever was given, she said, Janette, it's ok, you need to rest, and focus on Devin, that's what the rest of us are here for, to pick up this burden to big to carry alone, to help you hold your head  and hands up when your to weary to lift them, to pray for you, for Devin, for the docs. this whole situation when you just. can't. even! those words, I think of them often, they were not given to me to use as an excuse to get out of prayer, but they were comfort and release from stressing out in trying to perform in prayer cause its the right thing to do, or because its what we were taught or because its what's expected of us, and the lie of, if you don't, then your not truly Christian, or God honoring, or that God will disown you if you don't. here is where the words, His mercies are new every morning, become extra beautiful and most meaningful, because, every day we get the gift of waking to a new day , another breath is a new day given to us by Him to wipe the slate clean, start a new, to reach out to Him and grab His hand and gather the strength and courage to take one more feeble step forward, to take one more shaky moment by moment day holding onto the promise that His ever faithfulness and love will see us through, He doesn't promise us easy, and pain free, but He does promise He is never leaving us and His promises are rock solid and eternal!! Prayer is the right thing, and it is truly powerful, and God does hear every one big or small, and God does long for our communication with him regularly, but, He also gets it when we just. can't. even!! His word says, He, our Father, hears every moan and groan His children manage to pass through their weakened trembling lips, sometimes those moans and groans are silent screams for help and rescue, He hears every single one of those too!! He understands our time outs to the fullest. He longs that we don't stay there in those dry desert places, but He gets it when we hopelessly find ourselves there, and He won't ever stomp a foot in rage and walk away in a tempered huff, when we end up there, when we find ourselves down trodden, dejected, out of steam, no energy left to lift one weary foot in front of the other, when our hands hang limply by our side, our eyes struggle to focus forward and our hearts feel torn and ragged and barely beating, when we question if He even hears us or knows where we are or cares about our existence, even then, He won't leave us to our own demise, He won't throw in the towel and label us worthless or helpless.  He will give us those precious souls though, that come alongside us and give us the green light, the permission, to be ok to not being ok, who will then wrap us up in the assurance that while we're out for the count, they, and an army of other believers, fellow soldiers of God, pew sisters and soul sisters and family are there, and committed to picking up the burden and sharing the load and interceding in communion with our Father on our behalf!! He will, bless us with, though seemingly small and unnoticeable, or hard to find at times, those little signs of Himself, through nature or encouraging words and even strangers passing by, or those little miracles, the ones you know where there's more often than not someone saying, that was just a coincidence, or chance.....hmmm...no I think not, cause, my Father, loves to do just that, give us little miracle gifts everyday, if we look up and focus on Him.
so biopsy day rolls around and once again dear Beth has the kids and dear Paula goes with. I was told that I should arrive 5 minutes early to sign in and then I'd be taken right back for the procedure. We got there more like 10 minutes early got myself signed in and then, we waited, for about 20 minutes. Nurse comes out and calls me back and says that P isn't allowed back because they decided to do another ultrasound before they start the biopsy. so again, I'm watching the tech do the ultrasound and thinking to myself it looks a bit different than week before, but, well, I'm not the expert here, what do I know. so she does her thing for a few minutes then says, I need to go show these to the doc. and talk to him I'll be back, and so, I wait.in a few minutes, probably a good bit less than it seemed, the doc and tech nurse came back in, the doc, a warm kindhearted, soft spoken elderly man with snow white hair and a genuinely caring smile, was a man of tasteful bed side manners and so polite, you could tell to him woman were to be cherished and cared for and if all young men would model their conduct after him, chivalry would very much be alive and thriving!! anyway, Dr. Lampton, came over to me and shook my hand laying the other on my shoulder and smiling said, good morning Mrs. Diem, then he paused and still holding my hand and shoulder, says, we decided to take a new ultrasound this morning for a fresh look before we start the procedure, and well, sometimes it's a difference in techs, or the way they do the pics, or the thoroughness, ( to me it all seemed the same as the previous week, I know I'm not the professional) or it could be, well, and here he stops, and the nurse is staring at him the entire time, well, I guess what I'm trying to say is, more stumbling and trying to get his words, well, what I'm not seeing in comparing to last weeks pics, I just don't think it would be wise to proceed with today, see, I'm not seeing what was there last week......at this point I said, Doc, are you telling me that the dark shadowy problem spots are gone??? YES!! YES!! he said in a relieved breathy voice. there is nothing there, and it would be foolish for us to go through with the biopsy procedure just in case, there is no need to do anything just because it was initially scheduled! I laughed, shakily, and said, THANKYOU JESUS!! I'm gonna chalk this up to the power of prayer!!! and then, him and his nurse both let out a big breath and their faces, it was amazing, you could see the relief! and it hit me right then, that all his trying to find the words to tell me was a result of seeing firsthand the awesomeness of a miracle, the healing touch of our Great God, but then also the mixed feelings of how do we tell our patient without breaking rules, or offending or crossing a line, but once I claimed God's hand in this miracle, recognized my Father's power, it gave them an open door, the ok to both say emphatically, AMEN!! the nurse touched my shoulder and said, absolutely, this is answered prayer, there's truth in that!! the doc. said, Amen, I believe in every word!! and Mrs. Diem, we are sending you home, your done here, we'll see you in 6 months, but you have  a wonderful rest of your day, and tell your people and your church to keep up the work, there is power there!! and again the nurse said, AMEN!! they went out to let me get dressed and be on my way and I couldn't stop my shaky smile, but I also felt like a limp noodle and went through the motions of dressing without really seeing what I was doing, I so believed and yet it seemed like a dream that me, I was given this awesome miracle. I walked out to the lobby and P looked up and was like, you done already? I said, they didn't do it! she said, what?? is it gone?? I was like, you, it's gone, there's nothing there!!!! then we cried and laughed and hugged each other and entertained an elderly gentleman staring at us as if we were from another planet, and looked at him and laughed and P said we're just celebrating a miracle, and he still stared rather dumbfounded and she hugged me again and said  I told you everything was gonna be fine!! (see this is where, you let your friends do the praying and believing for you, cause from the beginning she kept telling me it was all going to be fine, but I just. couldn't. even!!) ;)  so, we get to the car and she says, we need to get the girls cause B's dad is in the hospital and she needs to go, we didn't tell you cause we didn't want you to worry........God loves us so much He gives us amazing friends!! so we get to B's pick up our girls and take hers with us to and proceed to follow each other to a beautiful little French bakery to celebrate with crepes and macaroons and we praised God at high volumes and couldn't stop smiling, the sky looked bluer, the sunshine brighter, the world happier, life newer, my Wile family camping was that weekend and I was able to enjoy it fully, maybe even more so this year cause everyone seemed a bit more precious to me with the renewed knowledge that none of us knows if we get another moment together, or where our journey will take us or end!! it was such a surreal, amazing feeling to know that My own God gave me something so glorious, it's one of those things that you hear about or read about, but to actually be the one that it was given to felt overwhelming, I was afraid I wouldn't do His blessing me justice, in thankfulness, and honoring of Him, or sharing His love, and power, and yet it all felt very sacred and Holy at the same time, I wanted to just quietly bask in it awhile!! meanwhile B's family was in the midst of hospitals and docs and tests and finding her dad was having heart issues and in need of a bypass and on a journey to receive a miracle of His own, with a successful bypass after dealing with heart issues some unknowingly for a maybe a year so. one day I took b and her mom to Hershey to spend the day with her dad and we stepped out of his room for a bit and they said they would love to visit the children's wing and meet my "people" so we did. it's always such a blessing to go back and see Devin's nurses and docs. it's like coming home to family, they greet you with hugs and remembering, and they are thrilled to see you every time! I got to hug nurse H, and social worker, Mr. G, and chat for quite awhile with nurse L, who with tears told me she has our picture hanging on her board at home where she can see and pray for us everyday!!! that is beautiful to me, it's been almost 10 years since Devin's death, and we're still being carried through this journey by those who so lovingly cared for him!! I got to share with her and nurse J about my miracle and there was celebrating and while nurse J was hugging me and rejoicing in my news we were remembering our angels that had miracles throughout their journey, we were talking about Devin and Maddie and Nurse Janiece and suddenly there was a soft fluttery breeze blowing over our heads and we all just stopped and nurse J said, something like, see, they are right here with us, they are sharing in your good news.....and we all felt like we were touched a small bit by our angels watching over us. the feeling was angelicly reverent, goosebumpy in a good way, Nurse J was in awe and kept smiling, that's amazing she said, cause it's no coincidence, it's a heavenly power, cause there are no vents, fans, central air, open windows etc. in that little hallway. another dear friend, texted me when I sent her my news and said, you know your angel is watching over his mama, he can talk to God on your behalf! I don't know all the workings of the angels, but I do know His word says He gives us angels to guard us and keep us, and I do believe without a doubt that God moves and shows himself  to us in ways beyond our imagination, and to often I think we are quick to overlook even the smallest and simplest ways, and a lot of times we don't look hard enough or are just quick to discredit Him.
I don't ever want to, nor do I think I will, forget the healing blessing I was given, or hesitate to share God's power and love in that. but.....one thing that I soon found out was how quick the devil is right there trying to steal the show. how quickly he tries to take our eyes off the awesomeness of our creator and the blessings of our life and tries to trip us up with irritations, fear, discontent, bitterness, self loathing and all other manner of frustrations. and here is where we still need each other to come alongside and help us carry on, even after we receive the good news of a friends answered prayer in whatever way or situation, cause now that God our Father, the all powerful is getting glory and honor and praise, the devil is going to work overtime to try and take the stage and get us to shift focus. I am truly blessed with dear and precious friends and family and am sure I don't thank them near often enough for being there for me, but this last month has been a bit of a struggle to keep focus and remember to let my burdens and struggles and frustrations and fears in the Hands of the only one that has the power and control to give me peace and victory over them, but I am blessed to know that I have those souls out there gifted to my by my Father, that I can text or call or whatever and say hey, I need your prayers, and I can be confidant they got my back and are lifting my needs, loving me to Him. each one of us here on this earth, for each other, FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS!!! whatever that may be! prayer and communication with our creator our Father is real and powerful, people! He does hear every word, silent or screamed!! He can heal our land!! He can heal our anxiety!! He can heal our bodies!! He can heal our relationships!! He can remove bitterness!! He can fix our finances!! He can find us work!! He can give us love and forgiveness for the unlovable, undeserving!! HE CAN!!! HE WILL!!! we need only keep our focus on His face, we need to commune with Him in fervent prayer, laying down our struggles, surrendering all to His loving, powerful control!! He hasn't promised easy, but He has promised to never leave us!!  He has blessed us with each other, FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS, here's to coming alongside, weeping with the broken, carrying the faint, lifting the fallen, encouraging the weak, celebrating the new, rejoicing in miracles, speaking life, praising and worshipping our Great Creator!!     

Fear "Abreast" of Faith, A "Booby" Trap

Sparrows.....seemingly tiny, almost unattractive, barely noticed, little flitty fowl, and yet, to God, a big deal!! in fact, such a big deal, that He mentions them in His word, mentions them in the context that, even these little, overlooked flyers, are cared for in the highest sense, by Him. That their very wellbeing, and where abouts, and survival, and life, are a priority to Him. they are a treasured creation of His, loved to the full. And......we should lay back and rest, and trust that our Father that cares for every single one of these seemingly insignificant feathered friends, cares even over and above for every one of His children and has our best interest at heart!!
there have been in my recent history, body parts that I would have deemed as unnecessary evils. breasts, boobs, as they are more often then not called around here, would have been at the top of the list. what teenage girl basks in the attention of hilarious desperately trying to be comedic cousins poking fun at your size for age or your bounce with your game skills and so on. and then there's the garment issues, I mean, come on, how is a good Christian gal supposed to be modest when ya got oversized twin girls to deal with?? ya try to buy blouses and shirts that cover appropriately, and don't herald the cleavage or stretch like a to small tarp on an oversized load and then you find yes, the boobsters are well garbed, but now the neck hole is ginormous and slipping off the shoulders and the threat of cleavage is back in play and the battle of hide and seek with the halter straps cinching the girls up off your stomach is a very real and intense game. and the whole Bra fiasco, wow, trying to find the proper size without to much sag and under arm rubbage, and then every other one is a push up or extra padding!! who makes these?? why when we're already awkwardly trying our best to put them in proper restraints and desperately trying to keep them from overflowing and oozing out each seam do we want to add a size or two or push them even further out in front of us to stumble over?? and why just because some of us are all but off the sizing charts and special ordering is a very real threat can they still not make them beautiful and appealing?? what big girls don't need to feel encased in womanly loveliness?? do manufacturers seriously look at each other and go, these babies don't need no extra fanfare after all the poor woman that gotta sport this kind of luggage should just be thankful they can get 'em under wraps??? come on people, seriously, if I gotta tote these two dears around I would at least like to feel beautifully garbed and confident they're loving their girly digs even if I'm the only soul that will ever view them!! and then there's the sad but true detail of never knowing where to tuck them, under the arm is not the best place and one feels like a penguin with its arms poking out the sides rather awkwardly unsure of what to do with itself, and them being the walking stick as the blind use going out before you feeling the way and taking note of objects in your path before the rest of you reaches them isn't any walk in the park either, cause did you know that is one of the most tender body parts ya got? sharp blunt objects coming in contact at high speeds isn't a laughing matter. and leftovers!!!! i'm not that huge a fan of leftovers, so I don't relish the thought of a shelf front and center to catch every crumb, dribble and drip as if to say, yay, now you got your own to go box for when you need a small nibble later!! NOOOOO!!! that theory is way over rated, this is no picnic people!! I've had well meaning people say, well at least when you have babies you'll be equipped to give them all they need! again, NOOOOOO!!! it doesn't work that way!! it's not the size that determines they'll be well fed, trust me!! I struggled with all 4 of my kiddoes to reach a 3 month mark of breast feeding and that was with a lot of bottle additions in the mix!! ok, rant, over!! this week I got a good look at my boobs in a whole different light!! and no, I'm not talking stark bright glow under sterile lighting light as they were splayed across a cold unforgivingly hard surface to be poked prodded and smashed, almost beyond recognition kind of light. although here is where i'll point out to all my tiny twin sistered friends that I truly am sorry you don't have BIG, cause well, I can't for one second envision how you dears are gonna undergo a mammogram without anything to plop under that squashing paddle.........anyway, I saw my oversized appendages in a different light, like when it comes down to it, as annoyed as I can get with them, I so don't want to go through anything traumatizing either. years ago already, because of a very adamant statement from an acquaintance, proclaiming how it would be the worst thing ever to have to have her breasts removed in a case of cancer, cause she wouldn't feel beautiful and her hubby wouldn't love her or want to look at her ever again, my hubby and I had this discussion, that yes, my body would be changed, it would take some acceptance, not the fact so much that I looked different, but that we even were on this path at all, but at the end of the discussion we both agreed that if removing one or both of the twins was in my best health interest and the good of a cure it was the only answer, and He said something i'll never forget, you would still be the same girl I fell in love with, they were a part of you, but not what made me want to spend the rest of my life with you!! last week I was hit with the very reality that these annoying at times body parts of mine could very well be in danger!! after having some pain and tenderness other than the normal monthly aches I made an appointment to see the doc. she didn't find anything initially, but did say that if it was cancer that I most likely wouldn't know because of pain, cause breast cancer usually has pea sized hard knots but not pain. and then she nonchalantly exclaimed they were beautiful and healthy dense tissued breasts, oooookaaaayyyy, thank you, I think......moving on..... anyway she ordered an ultrasound cause she thought they'd get a better reading and because after all I'm only 41 a mammogram shouldn't be necessary quite yet.......however when I called to make the ultrasound appointment they wouldn't do it without first having a mammogram order cause after all I'm 41 It would be time to start :) and hey, what's the doc know, she's just the doc. we, after all, are the ultra-mammo techies!! apparently, I'm a chameleon, I can change from old to young and keep everyone confused and running in circles!! soooooo, I go to my mammogram appointment, ladies it really is something you have to experience to really "get it" when someone talks about it being flattening and a torture chamber for the girls!! they've never experienced that much painful attention at one standing in their entirety!!! I felt briefly like a cow at first, they call ya back to this area where they give you a gown and bag for the garments your replacing for those so in style open backed gowns then dump you in a holding pen with other stylish clad ladies waiting for the same squashing!! the waiting in between squashing and photographing and showing doc the pics and oh wait we need more pics and now to see if doc still wants ultrasound is the worst!!! then, ok, he definitely wants to do the ultrasound too!! at this point no ones saying more than you'll have results and plan of action today yet, but all your hearing at a piercing volume is, "they've found something" or we wouldn't be doing more!!! and if it's cancer......I know to much what's ahead of me!! the grueling all consuming fight!!!  and then I had a little meltdown or two, but praise Jesus my Paula was there, after hugs and reassurances we moved onto bright happy topics of conversation, until we were ushered down the hall to the ultrasound room, a bit dark, a bit eerie and a whole lotta hot gel, but here is where they found the problem side to be just cantankerous but healthy and the not being a problem, just along for the ride side, to have some shadowed dark spotty areas, they want to biopsy to rule out any chances of cancer. they feel it could very likely be dense tissue issues with maybe some flare up of sorts in it from hormonal changes etc. but because of heavy family cancer history need to see for certain. and so we were sent to meet with a patient information and option discussion lady and there I said lets get on this, I'm nor into waiting, if it's something I need to know, if it's not, peace of mine is priceless, so we scheduled biopsy for the following Thursday and result readings the Tuesday after and now, we wait, again. after I got home I was exhausted and would have given much to burro in my beautiful king sized bed and pretend it was all not happening, but there was dinner to fix and little's to continue parenting and well, shelving the adulating scenario wasn't an option so a bit weepily I kept in motion. that night I actually slept well, exhaustion overload I imagine, but Friday and Saturday night not so much. I woke often and the first thoughts that entered my mind was, breast cancer, what if, but right on the heels of that was consistently, but, Janette, even the sparrows, and I would feel peace at that thought and go back to sleep. sometime early Sunday morning I awoke and there was no more what ifs, only peace, and I praise God for His faithfulness and for removing the fear and replacing it with peace. Peace, that no matter the results I'll be ok. I've inherited my love of Eagles from my dad, and have always saw them as strength and freedom and protection, a majestic beautiful bird that always left me a bit awed. well, Sunday morning on the way to church I was gifted with the spotting of a beautiful bald eagle sitting high in a tree at a fields edge with his mate a few limbs below Him. IT MADE MY DAY!!! how like my God, who knows I need and love visuals, to gift me with that affirmation of His freedom from fear and the unknown and also the protection and strength to get through whatever these biopsy results could be! and Monday afternoon as I was preparing dinner it was pouring rain though the sun was shining brilliantly and  I looked out my kitchen window to a rainbow in the woods, I called for Ava and said hey, wanna get umbrellas and go walking in the rain??? she of course was ecstatic and we walked out and as I looked around me there was rainbows all over, it was glorious and just made me smile to see God just clearly proclaiming to me, here I am, and here, and here and.....so close, surrounding me, wrapping me up in Him! it's through events like these the devil works overtime to come abreast our faith and constantly have us fighting to trust that God is in control. He tries to trap us into wrapping our heads and minds up in ourselves and get us to pity me and wallow in self doubt and fear and soon our eyes are off God and His ever present strength and help. I hesitated sharing my medical issues with my family, friends, and church family etc. cause I was like, well, it may be nothing, and what if I'm just over reacting and being paranoid, then the thought slammed me that this is exactly what the devil would love, to not have anyone conversing with God on my behalf. so I opened up and asked my people to pray about this and I have been so tremendously blessed by the love and support I've felt. the text messages and scripture verses and words of faith and encouragement and love and hugs!!

 it means so much to know God has His children all over asking on my behalf for healing and could even now be healing and making new something ugly in my body, or it may not be anything but it's bringing a networking of friends and family to His feet and a closer bond together for His glory, or it may still end up being something there and He's showing me He already has my support and faith walkers in place, whatever it is, I Have peace!! and that is priceless and so very, very, precious. I'm not always the brightest bulb in the pack, or the sharpest crayon in the box, (but hey, a little glow is better than none and broken crayons still color right??)and it's taken me awhile to get myself in the mindset of when the doubts pop up, to immediately stomp on them with a truth, even if it's just a whispered Jesus, at the moment, I've found more and more there is tremendous peace in doing that, and yes, sometimes it's a minute to minute battle, but dears, God gets it, and it's in the constant reaching to Him, we can win!! recently as a family we were camping and sitting around the campfire one evening Ava comes to me and says, mama, can you hold me? I said, sure, so she climbs into my lap and snuggles in, (here's where them twin fluffy oversized pillows are appreciated!! :) ) then says, mama, will you be my blanket?? I loved that!! and I thought how much more would we be at peace and relax if we did that to our Father, snuggled up in Him and let Him be our blanket, let Him cover us with His feathers and truly lay back and rest in Him!! Even the sparrows, know, and rest in His care!! I have so much to learn in letting go and letting God, but it's amazing to me that He won't ever give up on me and is faithfully reaching down to lift me up!!
P.S. I may or may not ever complain about my oversized, in the way appendages again!! somehow the view is a bit different when faced with what ifs!!

Heaven's Champions!!

Good morning, Devin, my little man,
       Some days I cant believe we're almost to the 10 year mark of watching you run to Jesus! Giving you back was the hardest most painful thing I ever had to do!! Most days it seems like only yesterday we let go of your hand! Then there are other days it seems an eternity has passed, these are the days I fight to remember the sweet sound of your voice, the, whispered, mommy, I love you, or the soft, will you hold me mommy and then the contented sigh as I snuggle every squishy, lovely bit of your little boy self. it's these days that I frantically try to draw up a recollection of that amazing warm little boy smell that was all you, and I try to grab a glimpse into those big sparkling chocolate teddy bear eyes, and desperately conjure up the sound of your bubbly giggle, and desperately, almost in panic mode try and remember the feel of your hand in mine, or the tight hugs and warm arms squeezed around my neck........10 years.......some days an ache so intense slams me by surprise, and I'm blindsided, struggling to catch my breath and right my balance.  Grief is not something you get over, or outgrow, but a constant every day, every season process. 10 years.....I can honestly, mostly without tears, or at least to many tears, say most days I can praise God you've made your home run and are no longer living, or existing, in intense suffering and pain, trying to be normal in an overly abnormal disease riddled life! Most Days......
So, I hear our friend Maddie made a championship goal and ran to Jesus, winning her place on Heaven's playing field, and earning her wings, alongside the rest of her Cancer team mates! I bet you were thrilled to see her!! remember when you were hooked up to all kinds of tubes and needles and paraphernalia in Hershey ICU 2 months after diagnosis, Dr. F. stopped by to check on you and ask us to befriend Maddie and her family?? do you remember how nervous and unqualified to be there for them I felt?? do you remember how I felt I had so little to give them as I was feeling like I was still floundering my way through the cancer chaos?? do you remember Maddie's daddy coming uncertainly to your bedside and with tears asking how we're doing all this?? and then Maddie's mama joins us and they ask how we can go on, and how we can wrap our heads around all this after being dealt such mind numbing news of your precious child?? and the whole time they're seeing you laying almost lifeless like, hooked up to breathing tubes and IVS and hands and legs strapped down and drainage bags and catheters and needles and monitors and beepings and it all looking huge and hopeless almost before they even start their journey of the exact diagnosis and path we were walking, and how in the end we didn't really have any answers except to hug and cry and assure that we'd be there for each other in any way we could! and then, remember how once you were unleashed from all that craziness and with it and mobile once again you were always so excited to go to craft time or bingo in the play room cause you wanted to see Maddie, but you'd never talk to her?? you'd just look at her and smile and giggle??!! I imagine Heaven exploded and is in full party mode, huh??!! I kept seeing you with that blinding gorgeous smile of yours and arms out, wide open, running to meet her shouting, Maddie, Maddie, Maddie just like you used to do every evening when daddy got home from work!! I'm sure you two are having an amazing time catching up! I can see you both running through heaven's flower fields, giggling and chasing those beautiful retired therapy pups, or maybe your decorating heavenly smiley face sugar cookies just like at Hershey! or maybe your THONNING on, doing an eternal line dance, standing in for your team mates still in the thick of this nasty cancer battle, after all, it's effortless there, you don't have to sit down after 46 hours and wait another year,
 no one ever tires!!
I can only imagine you cancer kiddos, fourth of July freedom, independence, weekend looks a lot different then ours!!! am sure the fireworks and celebrations never stop!! celebrating the freedom of cancer and pain and feeling like a freak!! the freedom of IV poles, needles, chemo, radiation, meds, meds, and more meds, reactions, vomiting, amputations, wheelchairs, gurneys, crutches, infusions, scans, transplants, spinals, bloating, infections, rejections, and baldness...........and wow the picnic grounds and party foods are surely out of this world!!!! you cancer kiddos sure know how to party and make everyone around you want to! you all were amazing like that, even when you were miserable and pain filled, you cancer kiddos bravely and with huge faith and determination grabbed every moment and lived it to the full! ya'll have taught us so much, how to live life, live the moment,, keep moving forward and fight with every particle of your being and how in the midst of it all, live in faith and by faith!!
Devin, honey, you and your team mates are champions, the true winners in this game of life!!! you are the brave and free, the true heroes in this battle of the cancer beast and life!! Devin, not one of you or your team mates, have lost your battle with Kids Cancer!!!!! NOT YOU, or MADDIE, or BRANDON, KAYLEIGH, CHELSEA, COLLIN, GRANT, ISAAC, BRANDT, JEN, MICHAELA or any of your other heavenly team mates!!!!!!!!!!!! Cancer didn't win, and we left behind, for sure didn't lose you!! you all are champions, and have won this crazy dance of tubes, tests, needles and poison, fair and square! Game over,! God said, kiddos, ya'll have done your season, you took it to championship, it's now your time to celebrate your victory, earn your well deserved trophy, your golden wings!!
yesterday afternoon, after I found out about dear Maddie, I had a rough evening! I haven't cried so hard in a long time! I kept thinking about the intense pain Maddie's family is dealing with, the bittersweet emotions of being eternally thankful she's pain free and celebrating yet at the same time the anger and loneliness of still wanting you kiddos here. I was angry cause it feels like another brave, faith filled impactful soul had to go to young. Devin, you felt so close last, in all the feelings and memories and emotions that came rushing back at the news of Maddie's home going. the last year I've taken up Bible journaling, it's like a language between me and God, me and Heaven. this morning I needed to journal in my Bible, I'm a visual soul, that's how I understand and get stuff best and Bible journaling has been a huge healing and comfort time for me!!
Honey, we wouldn't wish any of you kiddos back to this Cancer hell, but the intense love and care we have for you makes it so incredibly painful and terrorizing to let go. we miss you all with every fiber of our being, with every tear that shows up announced out of nowhere, with every shaky, unsteady, breath, with every faltering, unsure footstep forward.......but deep, deep down in the recesses of our crumbled, bleeding hearts, we're ecstatic for you!! we're celebrating with you and holding tightly to the thought of that moment when we get to hear you run towards us across that heavenly playing field, arms out, shouting a welcome!! when something or someone is lost, that means it, they, can't be found, no one knows where it is! We did NOT lose you to cancer, Wednesday Maddie was NOT lost!!! we know where you are, where she flew to, you are right where you belong,  you and your team mates kiddo, gone ahead to your goal, to start the celebration, ya'll are champions, and we get to be your parents, to proudly announce to the world we're the mamas and daddies to the bestest, bravest, soldiers and champions out there, we get to have the gift of your love and calling you ours, that's a trophy no one can top, that's a title no one can steal or forge, and I thank God every day for that precious, priceless gift, even when it feels at times we only got to enjoy it for so few precious moments!! love you forever, little man, xoxo, Mommy

Terrorific Calm

It was the same horrific nightmare that had me tearing at my sheets in a sweat soaked panic, clawing at the dark night surrounding me, desperately trying to find an opening of fresh air to relieve my ache to breathe that had haunted me for more years than I cared to remember. It was the same panic, and terror every time, the heat of roaring, angry flames so thick and high and wide there was no possibility of any humanly attainable escape route, and when it wasn't the maddening flames grabbing at me it was the intense suffocation of blinding darkness and choking smoke, lassoing my body pressing in and shoving down leaving me to battle my sheets as a drowning victim would beat the waves, but in the end

i always desperately broke free of its smoky fingered clutches at the last imaginable second and gulped in mouthfuls of pure clean smokeless air surrounding My bed, slowly coming fully awake and focusing on the realization that once again it wasn't actually happening, it was just another night terror, and as always it left me in shaken tears and fear of closing my eyes for much needed rest lest the monster jump me again. I had battled this night terror for several years already, not every night, or even every week but far oftener than is healthy for any ones weary bones, and there was never any warning or known trigger point at least that I had figured out. I used to read everything I could and was allowed to get my hands on, and the nightmare began after I read a series of house fire horror stories featured in the Readers Digest, true, from what I remember all turned out without any human loss but still it was mind riveting! Every time after an “episode” as I lay trying to calm my mind and will myself back to sleep, I would pray like crazy and try and think of anything to steer my mind from going back to the suffocation and desperation of the nightmare of not only trying to keep myself alive in the horror but to frantically rescue each of my family.  and trust m, counting sheep really doesn't work, at all, especially, when in your traumatized minds eye each one turns into a flaming, bleating, ball of woolen nastiness!! Then one night, the horror returned for another visit, but this time it was met head on with a force that didn't even begin to match it's strength and as I woke breathless and shaking I sensed a calm that wasn't present before and as I opened my eyes I looked immediately to the left of my bed and saw a firefighter standing there, clothed in his black and yellow company attire, I couldn't see his face cause his head was tilted and the shadow from his helmet shielded the rest of it, he didn't utter a word but there was slight glow around him and there was peace, intense peace. I remember thinking, am I awake or is this still my nightmare? But just as quickly I also realized my eyes were for real open, so I slowly closed them and then opened them up but my fireman was gone, my room however was filled with peace and calm and I fell back to sleep and experienced a rest I hadn't had in a long time! My Angel Fireman took something from me that night when he came to visit, he took the nightmare, since that visit it has never been back, but, more importantly he left me something, something priceless, he left me peace, peace and an assurance that I have a higher power fighting for me and I always have the assurance that my God is looking out for and caring for every detail of my life , I only need to lay back and rest in Him, I need not fear anything, He is in control of every thing that ever concerns me no matter how itty bitty or humongo or how out of proportion we let our imagination and paranoia run, He's always right there taking, healing, exchanging it for peace and calm. then one night 6 years ago, that long ago night terror became reality!!! It was 5ish in the evening, Glen and I were getting ready to go away later, I was babysitting one of my besties, Miriam's kiddos and two were outside playing in the snow the other 2 were inside playing a game all was peaceful and calm we thought, but then, about the same time Glen and I saw a flaming piece of something float down past our bathroom window we heard the kids come screaming into the house shouting fire!! it was the coldest iciest night of the year that January evening, but hubby threw on a coat over his shirtless form and yelled to call 911 while he made a feeble attempt to try and stop the flame with a garden hose. I remember the adrenaline kicking in as I dialed for help, and telling the kids to get out and go stand by the camper! I also remember an unexplainable peace and calm as I talked  to emergency personal, and then annoyance as they kept asking me if everyone got out, I kept saying yes we are all out and safe, and then for like the 4th time, ma'am what about pets, are your pets all safe and accounted for?? seriously?? I just told you how many times my kids are out and my hubby and I are safe!! oh yeah that's right some peoples pets are their kids, now I remember, but yes, there was calmness, and as I hung up with them, I thought ok grab Devin's pics and oh yeah you should back out the car quickly, so I did all that and hubby comes around the corner of the house with a look of defeat and resignation on his face and said I can't reach it with the garden hose, we're gonna lose the house!! I said honey, I'm backing out the car, get the truck!! He was like jolted back to earth and said, oh yea, good idea!! I put the kids in the car and let it run keeping them warm cause when I told them to go out and stand by the camper they obeyed no questions asked, rare moment I know, they ran out without any coats one or so without any socks. I sat in the car a little staring at our home in unbelief as smoke and flames rose higher, then I was pulled outta my shock by the pandemonium around me of panicking crying kiddos. I got them quiet and said kids it'll be ok, shall we pray together?? they agreed, and I did and the car became silent and calm. I got out of the car and thought well, I have my camera, I guess I might as well take some pics while I wait, then I thought but I should make a few calls first, that's when I briefly fell apart, I was fine until I phoned my bestie, Roseanna, my dad, (something reassuring and safe about hearing my dad's voice in the middle of terror even at 34 that the tears just flowed)  and Glen's brother Gene, I remember crying as I told Gene, our house is burning down and your brother's gonna need you! Glen could always talk to his mom about anything, and he was closest to his brother Gene, and watching him pace in front of his burning home and periodically stop and stare was tearing me up!  by then the emergency stuff was arriving, or trying to, the lane was too steep and icy! neighbors started coming out of the woodwork, literally, through the woods, neighbors I'd never even met before coming up and offering support and hugs, dear neighbor Becky from the farm up the road, also great aunt to Miriam's kids took the kids to her house for warmth and distraction. my dad and mom, arrived after having a "firm, no non sense" discussion with traffic director that he will be going thru cause it was his daughter's house in flames! Dear Andrea and Devon brought coffee and hugs. I was called into the one firetruck to discuss red cross help and cross examined to be sure we were all emotionally ok, at one point they asked me if there was anything we'd like gotten out of the house, the only thing I could think of was my glasses on my bathroom sink and Devin's portrait on the living room wall. later a firefighter brought me my glasses that he found under a pile of sooty debris of water and smoke logged insulation and drywall and charred upstairs remains, they were dirty but otherwise perfect!! Andrea rescued Devin's portrait and took it home for a bit of loving restoration, only a faint, have to search pretty hard for watermark is remaining on it as of today!! it was hours before hubby and I got to even talk to each other, we were pulled this way and that, I'd catch a glimpse of him here and there amidst the firemen, neighbors, organized for the most part hurried pandemonium. family and friends arrived and then finally the fire was out and we started rescuing what we could from the house, the most important essentials in computers, files etc, the rest would wait till morning. I remember barely keeping myself together the first time I walked through our house afterwards, the eerie cold dark grotesque silence, silence except for the occasional drip of water running off of something, silence except for the random creak or groan of charred, water soaked lumber. walking through was horrific, stuff just hanging and heaped and matted and ugly, I wanted to run far away and come back after it was all cleaned up and over. in spite of all the ugly and brief meltdowns there was underlying calm the entire time and there was no night terrors from the kids and the old ones never came back for me and I know that it's truly a God thing, especially after I saw the upstairs and my kids bedroom, the way the door was shut and charred and blocked by flames and smoke, if that would have happened in the middle of the night, the smoke alarms never went off cause it was all up in the attic at first and till it reached that point it was to late, the only way out for the kids would have been the front window over the porch, can you imagine getting a panicked 11 and 7 year old to follow frantic instructions from the ground outside their window??!! I don't believe for a minute that the calmness and lack of night terrors are a coincidence, I believe that same angel fireman that was in my room all those years ago was with us that night and since then! a day or so after the fire looking through my pics I saw our angel once again in the smoke, and it's a picture I fell in love with in spite of the trauma and ugliness, because to me it's God saying, Girl, I've got you, even in the middle of charred, and ugly, ashes and hard, I'm here, I'm watching, I'm protecting, guiding and loving!

 
       even after I grew up, left home, and married, that night terror never returned. once I had kids tho, other fears surfaced rather often. one where I was driving and the kids were safely strapped in their car seats, but then, just as we were going over a railroad track my car dies and I cannot get it going and I look up and a train is bearing down on us and im now desperately trying to race tine and speed and unbuckle and grab my kiddoes out...... aaaannnnddd.............. then I'd wake up!!! not sure what brought on this particular fear except that because of where we lived we often had to cross a railroad track and it was something I'd think about every time we'd go across, what if!!??

another night terror I had with my kids was the fear of them being attacked by a rabid wild animal, I mean we lived in the woods after all, and when we were dating and at a family get together we actually witnessed one of my husbands nephews being attacked by a rabid fox. one minute he was nicely playing the next he had a fox attached to his face!! that kind of sight doesn't go away quickly! another fear that was hugely real to me was the thought of something happening to my hubby while driving or at work and him dying and me being left alone. that fear was huge!! to the point of being a bear to him if he walked in the door 20 minutes late!! then he actually had an accident!! On a bike no less!!! and I was with him!!!! and there was nothing I could have done about it!! but it did make me realize I need to grab every moment as if it was our last, not in paranoia but in gratefulness cause we're not promised another day, neither one of us!!

but, one thing I never feared was cancer!! and it still doesn't worry me much, even after being engulfed in the disease. they usually say what you worry and fret about usually never happens, and isn't it crazy of all the things I've worried and fretted over in life Cancer was never one them, and when it hit we were totally blindsided, I mean really, what are the chances?? seriously?? it was all always out there somewhere, never right here, surely not this close home!!    

       Someone once told me I feel to much, that I enter everything with my heart wide open and then I feel it all so personally, so real, and that I shouldn't be like that. I didn't like their definition of myself cause I didn't agree with it and because I don't like fake people and because I've tried the fake persona and it's exhausting and extremely unsatisfying. However I have since come to the realization that there is some truth to this statement also. and this understanding hasn't hatched over night and there's still a lot im learning. I've learnt for my own mental stability and spiritual strength and faith in God, and for the health and nurturing of my family to be who God has called me to be I cannot let myself get wrapped up in Readers Digest, social media, news, and politics. Am I saying I feel these things are wrong? No, but for me and because I know how my mind works, I need to use extreme caution cause, It takes up way to much of my time and energy I need for my family, leaves me with no time for God, and constantly questioning my faith and trust in Him, and more often than not leaves me feeling, judgmental, critical, confrontational, unsettled, fearful, angry, hateful, competitive, shallow and empty, just to name a few! :) and the media loves to hype up stuff and play on people's nerves and emotions and more often than not it's not with faith in humanity and positive upbuilding stories and headlines! So, yea, when I think of this then I guess I'd have to agree with that statement somewhat, however, I don't feel the answer is closing ones heart and not feeling, it's finding and discerning which avenues one is safe going down, it's entering each one with caution and a steady conversation with the Father as a guide, it's removing the hazards, and steering clear of the potholes. I recently read a church sign that I can't get out of my head! (I love reading church signs, they're highly entertaining at times and rather insightful at others!)anyway, this particular sign said something like this, "living in fear, leaves you no different than the Atheist!" when I read that I was immediately defensive and all like, are you serious?? that's pretty harsh and blunt!! however, the more I pondered and mulled over it the more I've come to realize there is a boatload of truth to that statement if we're honest enough to admit it! think about it, if we're constantly living in fear of disease, the future, our kid's turning out, being safe, losing our spouse, etc., we're initially saying we don't believe God is in control. we're initially saying, we need to fret and worry cause we don't actually trust in our God enough to believe Him capable of protecting us, doing what is best for us, etc. we're saying, that we don't have the faith in His actually having the whole world in His hands. so like the Atheist, our belief of God is, we don't want to go so far as to say it's non existing, but, very limited?! this whole thought and concept was a blow between the eyes, cause while I'd like to think my faith is real and strong it was a smack between the eyes that in reality I can be fearful and fretful far to often and to often keep my God as a limited God, one that might quite not realize the realness of a situation or the intensity or the what ifs or.............has this realization and seeing the truth in it completely dissolved my issues of fretting and fearing?? No, not totally, it has caused me to stop as soon as I realize what's happening and say God, I need you to take this, I know fear is not from you! it's also made me love Him even more cause I know that He gets that we're so human and will fail him over and over and have struggles, and that's where His grace knows no end, and every time, He comes through for me and takes that fear!! it may be an every hour retaking some days, but He's always faithful! there's a quote I came across recently that I love, it goes like this, "God is never the source of confusion and fear, but, of strength and peace!! the beginning of the year I made this song my song of the year!! when I first heard it last fall, early winter I felt like it was sung at the right moment just for me and smiled and raised my hands then I cried, I know, typical me, boohooing, but it spoke straight to my heart, and hey, they were happy tears, I felt so loved, and it was such an intentional message straight from God's mouth to my ears!!