Tangled Clouds

i think when i get to heaven one of the first questions i want to ask God is why he made woman with their emotions all in a tangled heap like grannys yarn basket. it's fast heading toward fall here, i love fall, the brisk cool mornings the color bursting through the fields and trees, but along with the approach of fall come the anniversary of Devin's death. and no matter how much i feel at peace with what he went through and the outcome it still hits me between the eyes with a powerful bring you to your knees blow that leaves you feeling like where ever you go theres this little black cloud hovering above. this year i thought, to myself earlier, i don't think i'll mind it like before, it's been getting easier, he's still missed intensley but we've come along way, and with a new baby right around the corner and the excitement and anticipation of Her arrival, i think this year will be different, there will be new fresh life and hope. NOT TRUE!! my emotions over the past week or so have been all over the place, very high, very low, even keel, through the roof, you name it i've been there. one moment i'm thankful for the 5 wonderful years, the next i scream out why only that long. then i see a friend who's been where we've been, and her son fought and won, but the side affects have been torture, and with new issues arrising and treatment limited and more side affects involved and heading down an unknown road again filled with what ifs and whys i find myself on another emotional rollersoaster. one minute i'm thankful my son was spared this kind pain and not having to look at being a child mentally stable but totally unnormal, and the next moment knowing i'd give everything to walk through it with him if he were here. sometimes as frustrated as it has made me at times i think men got the better end of the emotional dealing with thing. it seems at least for my hubby, they quietly process and mull over it and pull themselves up and move on, some days i long for that, but then i think how having to deal with it over and over has kept me at Jesus feet, in that constant seeking for the peace and assurance that He is there helping, guiding, loving me through every black cloud, for when the days are sunniest it's easiest to go my own way. so though today started out "rainy" it's sunny once again, as peace chased away the storm!!

Labor Day!!

Labor Day.......today hubby spent the day burning a brush pile, cleaning up, assembling a yard attachment thingy for behind the lawnmower, and just in general puttering around the house and grounds in usual ever busy Glen style. i made a big breakfast for my people, boxed up my books from our bedroom to make room for baby stuff in between taking many breaks to catch my breath and try and disocver where all my oxygen went, then i took the kids to town to take advantage of Jo-Ann fabric sale on flannel, yes, dreaming of little girly recieving blankets, crib quilts, burb cloths etc. it hit me the other day that these things too are one more thing i'm just now realizing went up in smoke when we lost our house, so were starting over. while all this is going on my minds churning, wishing in one way it truly was "Labor Day" and we were meeting and cuddling this little miss, but on the other hand feeling a bit of panic at the thought and not feeling quite ready. then my mind wonders further to the Angel face that has been in my minds eye all day, hanging there on the edge, me acknowledging it yet not quite sure i'm willing to really go there and let myself remember.......because of fear, fear that i'll be sad and depressed the entire day, fear i'll feel guilty for being so incredibly happy at this point in life and soaking up the peace that has come after the healing.....then i got to really thinking on it and thought that is just dumb, that is like giving the devil a piece of me and keeping myself from basking in the graciousness of God, not given Him proper credit for seeing us through the pain, for counting His abundant blessings He's poured on us in spite of the storms..........yes!! Labor day 6 years ago we spent the day with Glen's family at Lake Tobias animal park and Devin was with us, we made wonderful memories, granted we had to resurrect our stroller from storage so he would have a ride whenever his weak achy legs couldn't go no more, but it was priceless to see him making faces at the camera goofing off with his uncles and feeding the animals, it was one of the last things we got to do together, one of the last times he spent with his cousins and grandma. So Labor Day has become another one of "those" dates you'll never forget. BUT......i got great memories, awesome pics, and we were given that day to enjoy him outta the hospital, away from iv drips, and beeps, and needles and meds and sterilness, that was a huge gift!! and this Labor Day we get to look back and see where we we've been, how far God has brought us, and looking forward we see what God has given us, a home, healthy kids, a job, and a brand new Miracle from Heaven on the way!! That is HUGE!!! It's another Labor Day, full of memories, full of blessing, full of God and family, it's an AWESOME day!!!

Devin with a pony in the petting area at Lake Tobias, he fell in love with it!!

Same day......another year

another year has rolled around, and it's August 23 once again...but it's okay. as each year comes and goes the dates trigger memories, some great, some horrific, some bittersweet......today it's 7 years since Devin was diagnosed with cancer. don't freak out, i'm not gonna go into detail, or rant, i did that last year :) but it is one of those days in my mind i doubt i'll ever forget. but the reality is, every year i can't help but remember the life altering change that came over our family, over me as a person and mama. but i must confess it's nice to be able to face the day without feeling like a truckload of depression is sitting on my chest suffocating me, or the urge to burrow into my covers and sleep the day away therefore fast forwarding it, although i must be honest and admit there was alot of bittersweet moments and a curiosity of wondering how the view would be from here had things been different. but most importantly i love looking back and saying wow!! 7 years!! and we made it!! there were many days i remember thinking, seriously?? i can't imagine getting to the one month mark than one year, and now.....7 years!! i think one of the biggest revelations to me, (and this is probably shedding some light on my weak faith) is realizing that INDEED my God was there all along, guiding me, wrapping me in His arms patiently by my side through every step of the dealing and healing process, through the hurt, confusion, anger, depression, the letting go of the blueprint i thought perfect for my life and letting Him re-draw the entire thing. i shouldn't be amazed, that is who He said He is, what He promised He would do, but somehow i still am, and it blesses me all over again to know that no matter what's ahead, He got it in His hands. theres another song i usedto sing to Devin, on our long sleepless hospital stays, i tried googling it but had no luck, but it goes something like this: it's really dark and cold tonight, and i'm tired and all alone, there seems no ray of hope in sight, oh, Lord, why did uou ever make night. chorus: i made the night so you would trust in me, i made the night so you would place your hand in mine, i made the night so in the early morning, you could see my sun/Son rise and shine! now as i place my trust in you, i can see the first rays of light, and i know that you are with me, oh Lord, i'm so glad you made night! on another note, my firstborn Brandon, turns 14 tomorrow!! thats another unforgettable date, the first birth, the joy of a miracle of life, so small and dependant placed in your arms.....that day thinking of him celebrating his 14th birthday seemed light years away....well here it is, and i thank God for this precious manchild, he has brought so much joy into our lives, and has handled life and it's unexpected bumps with grace.

IN LOVE WITH A MIRACLE

i know, i just posted last night, this is unusual to have another one back to back, but it is what it is :) those of you who are prego or recently have been know what i'm talking about when it comes to them frequent gotta go NOW bathroom treks when your trying to sleep, well this post is an indirect result of being awakened by a lil miss dancin' on my full bladder at 4:45am, at which time i huffed and puffed and heaved my bulk outta bed in the process causing daddy to wake u enough to check the time only to then witness him bouncin outta bed muttering something about alarm not goin off pickin' up amish crew, it's a good thing you woke up and woke me, i gotta leave in 15 and you hear the coffee maker go off? cause i didn't hear the coffee maker........so....till the trek was finished his mumblings began to register therefore leaving me wide awake in the aftermath of father/son hurricanes grabbin' coffee, lunches, thermos' gatorade and ice and bouncin out the door, off to another day of building/framing houses, or should i say creating a masterpiece outta boards that humans dwell in cause ot only is the current project a mini mansion, its seriously a complicated puzzle of pieces, roofs going this way and that, trusses of many sizes shapes and styles, and rooms and measurments and features that looking at the blueprint had me shaking my head in amazement that anyone could read this let alone figure it out, but i must say they got the right man for the job, not only does he love a challenge, but in the end it'll be done right and he'll grin that handsome grin of his thats left me weak in the knees and hyperventilating many times over, and say you wanna come see what we did? and i'll go and take a tour and be spellbound all over again that my perfectionist hubby got that amazing result from that puzzling rolled up piece of paper they call a blueprint! which makes the houghts running through my head this morning even more convincing in my mind that i am married to a miracle man, whose been given a gift from God to figure out and build these puzzles, and to it well with no physical limitations for the most part. i see him climbing around on those beams and rafters and shake my head, cause you see my picture, my view could be radically different if not for the grace of God and a miracle in our lives, more specifically in the life of my dear husband Glen.......this week it's 13 years since my sister and her family, a family friend, my single sister and us decided to spend a gorgeous sunday afternoon biking a canal trail an hour or so from home. as often goes the guys are full of energy and biking circles around us woman who are tending kids as we leisurly peddle alomg jsut glad to be breathing fresh air outside our own four walls. well my hubby loved exploring and climbing hills and all the other things a man can find to do on a bike, so while waiting on us woman and kids to catch up, he decided to leave the trail for a grass hill, a steep grass hill, much to his delight he made it up without pushing, but didn't forsee the ditch at the bottom that went right into the next bank, so when coming down the hill fastly he hit the ditch thus stopping his bike suddenly leaving his body to continue moving over the handlbars head/face first into the opposite bank. the results were??? NOT GOOD!! that afternoon we ended up in the trauna unit. backing up a bit, our friend caught up to me and warned me Glen wrecked his bike, thought he might need a few stitches in his face and a missing tooth or two,but that he was up and walking and heading towards the vehicles, but i should probably check on him, well i got to the scene, and found no hubby so walked on towards parking lot, i found him stumbling and weaving, i got beside him and he pretty much collapsed on me, so helped him lay down in the grass off to the side, thats when his fear and panic started to set in, he had his legs up and all by them selves they went down, and he began to lose control and feeling. this is where adreniline kicks in and your given a calmness and strenghth you know comes only from heaven, i stayed by his side holding his hhand reassuring him it was ok the ambulance was called he'd have help soon. finally loaded and on our way, and true paranoia sets in, he cant feel anything in his legs and he needs to move them and can't and whats happening?? thank God for emts and meds they soon had him calm, so we arrived at the hospital only to have him dissappear behind trauma unit doors and us put in a private family lounge, to wait FOREVER!! finally a doc. comes to get me saying he's about to get some more scans but he wants to see you so go reassure him your hear and talk for 5 minutes but then we gotta keep moving....so i did, although reassuring to me to see him awakei could stll see panic in his eyes and hear it in his voice, neither one of us had any news to give the other as far as updates so we let the docs once again take over. so back to waiting.....was so thankful for my sisters, they took care of our then not quite 1 year old son Brandon, guys went for food, and all wer just quietly there supporting, praying. finally the doc comes in again.....and the next words outta his mouth ill never forget....Mrs. Diem, i hate to tell you this, but you need to be prepared, most likely your husband will never walk again, at this point he's paralyzed from his waist down, he broke from here to here in his back which will require surgery and rods and screws and a graft from his hip......at that point my mind shut down, it wasn't until everyone had left and took the kids home and i finally got to see him in his icu room, looking at me with them big beautiful brown eyes of his full of regrets and pain and questions.i couldn't stay longwhich was fine at that point i couldn't bear it anyway, but as i sat down in that waiting room my mind went nuts, how was i gonna raise a child, and take care of a handicapped husband plus be the breadwinner. how was he gonna cope with being wheelchair bound for life and how fair was it that this is basically all our son would no of his daddy.....the prayer support and visitor support was amazing, we felt surounde by love and care the hospital was wonderful to. tuesday saw him going through surgery to repair his broken back, the wait seemed like forever, ill never forget the feeling of nausea when i walked in his room and seeing him with a stick with pinchers on the end, i said whats that for? his reply?? this is to help me be as indeendant as possible, they're teaching me how to put my socks on without bending over annd with this i can reach for stuff.......i needed air NOW!! i walked out and ran into his bro and wife, i wanted to lose it right there but i put a smile on my face {this was before i learnt its okay to be real to show emotion to ne you :} } and to their hows he doing? i said oh good they're teaching him how to care for himself. the next morning i was in for another shock when i arrived, this time it was good one, this was where i was hit between the eyes with how much God cares for us and about us, where i realized that prayer and support from our friends and loved ones are huge and dont go unnoticed or unheard!! that my God can and does perform miracles, sometimes more than we'll ever know cause often were not looking or believing! anyway i arrived the next morning determined as i got off that elevator that no matter how i found him i was gonna smile and show him we'll be okay we will make it, well i was stopped in my tracks at the sight of him walking, ok more like shuffling down the hall towards me with a nurse on either side. i couldn't help it, i beamed, i teared up, i gasped out a whats goin on, he gave me a painfilled half grin and grunted, they want to see if i can do physical therapy, i might be healing better than they were expecting....thankyou Father!!!! i tried not to be to hopeful but surely if he's shuffling now......so that afternoon finds him in a short but ehausting pt session where after putting him through the paces the nurses looked at him and sighned his papers saying get outta here your great you don't need us!!! MIRACLES!!! they do happen....TO US!! five days after his accident, after being told to expect a handicapped hubby, he WALKED outta that hospital, equipped with back brace and orders of no work for 6 mo. he had one follow up visit a week later where they removed his staples from surgery, and said he's doin well if he's comfortable without brace to use his judgment, and 3 months later he was back at work doing lite stuff. i'm married to a living, breathing, WALKING miracle!!!! so when i see him climbing around on roofs and bouncin outta bed, i sit back in awe at what God has done for us, i know our lives aint over, i dont know what all lies ahead of us, but up to this point our story could have been so different, the view from here could have drastically been altered, but God in his ever present goodness and grace reached down and touched and proclaimed miraculous healing, for which i will forever be greatful!!

We Need To Carry On

My heart hurts!! Way deep inside, like a smoldering fiery ache. seems my life has been and is surrounded by hurting, and troubled family and friends. those who are batteling demons of anxiety, and depressiom, those who are grieving loved ones passed on and loved ones living in sin, those who are facing serious sickness and financial drowning, those who've buried long awaited infants and those who cant concieve, those who've watched their kids fight hard and let them go, those who've watched their kids choose to walk an unsafe path, those who have broken relations in family and out............ i long to make everyones situation better, to cause the pain to dissappear, to hand them a prescription and say take this or follow this and your life will be great!! but i can't, its outta my control,it's not my place to heal people no matter how dear they are to me. but.....i can be there, i can listen, i can PRAY!!! i have a direct line to the greatest healer of all, but often i'm guilty of using that as a last resort, try everything else, suggest this, do that,and in a feeble last ditch effort, oh yea, now might be a good time to pray since all else appears to have failed. my God persues me daily longing for communication with me, for a sold out relationship with him, and i wonder at times how many miracles i miss cause i wasn't looking, cause i havent communicated with him daily. and i know He works miracles daily and longs for is to be a part of them. in this world we'll have trouble, but He has overcome the world!! no matter what i'm going through, what i'm facing, or how bad my heart is hurting i know He's ever faithful, ever by my side, and i know that when it comes to my hurting family and friends, i may feel helpless, i may not know how to fix their situation, but i can always be there, to listen, to encourage, but most importantly to Pray!! to talk to my Father and ask on their behalf for peace, healing, calmness, forgiveness, whatever, and my Father is always ready with open arms to welcome me and listen and communicate. i remember in the hospital with Devin over a particularly anxious time a friend told me she didn't know what to do but she was praying....i remember my response was a teary, thankyou, cause right now i can't, to which she hugged and me and said, that's okay thats what the rest of us are for.....i think thats huge in Gods eyes, to see His people carrying His hurting children in their desperate times, lifting them up to Him when their to weak to make it on their own. so even though my heart hurts for all my friends and family facing struggles and pain, i know i can't heal, but more importantly I CAN HELP....i can carry the hurting straight to my Father the greatest physcian of all, and theres no waiting line!!! He's always on call just waiting for us to lift up our loved ones to Him!! that's an awesome peaceful thought!!

Whispers From Heaven

First of all I know I apologized for writing on death a couple times and the last time I think I said something about promising to not always write on that particular subject etc. well...... I'm here to take that back, no, every post probably wont be on that but I write from my heart and about who I am and what shaped my life and sad to say death has been a huge part of my life, so as of this moment this is me done apologizing for writing often about it.....this is me, what you see is what you get!! that off my chest, I'll try in some small way to put out here what I've been mulling over lately. (one of my besties said to me the other day....you haven't blogged in awhile, and you really need to...) she knows me so well :) there has been many posts in my head, they just never appeared here. I love when a dear friend isn't afraid to put a voice to her thoughts and nudge!! so anyway I'm gonna make a feeble attempt to put all my jumbled mullings into posts, though not nessacarily in any kind of dated order, but I make no promises, I learnt my lesson! :) so anyway, the other week I decided this is crazy, a new baby on the way, which means a ton of pics to take and scrap, so I should be getting Devin's cancer journey books done and his Make-A–Wish pics finished too before this next big event, so I proceeded to dig out and organize all my stuff I had collected along with my journals etc. deciding that doing his MAW pics would be easier and much more of a happy family memory time. Well......the stuffs been sitting here for almost 2 weeks and I got a page and a half done. Somehow looking at those big brown eyes staring back at me through pics looking so alive and happy and seeing the energy pouring outta him as he wrapped his arms around his dad, rode roller coasters, fed birds and made stuffed animals with his siblings, took all inspiration and motivation outta the entire project, and this wasn't even looking at cancer journey pics with tubes, meds, pain filled eyes etc. the weird thing was I didnt really feel like crying, nor did I feel an intense burning sadness, just an intense bittersweet exhaustion, a feeling of these precious moments were a life time ago, and an ache of loss as to where is that person I was back then, what became of her and do I really know who I am now!!?? the exhaustion won, I walked away and went and curled up in my big snuggly king sized bed and shut out all memories and ponderings, right then it was to heavy! Even writing about these feelings and emotions makes me yawn and seriously consider burrowing under my covers away from the world, it feels weighty and a tad suffocating. Maybe its the processing of we no longer have him here living breathing, but adjusting to a new life living breathing arriving here that won't have known each other, almost as though truly closing a chapter to begin a brand new one?? and yet part of me has this feeling he already knows his little sister, and that he is just bouncin off those Heavenly walls with excitement at the love and joy he is sharing in this way with us. He was my one even more than his little sister that loved babies, he had a connection with them most kids don't. When he was 10 months into treatment my sister had a little boy, that little guy was his world, for 4 months he held him in his wheelchair through the hospital halls cuddled him wherever he could and when he was to weak to move from his hospital bed or even open his eyes the little guy laid beside him. I think him and God had discussions on this and they decided together on who this new little person would be, when she would arrive, and what she would look like. Kinda like planning a surprise party, to send a little bundle of sunshine and love to brighten our sometimes very dark world. One of my drs. A couple weeks ago upon hearing my youngest would be 10, exclaimed, wow!!! someone musta thought you needed a little sunshine in your life!!! I thought lady, dear, you have no idea. Anyway after a few days passed I decided to make another stab at scrapping his MAW pics, so I put in some uplifting happy cds and cranked it up and sat down determined to make a go of it.......15 minutes later I realized I had still gone no where I was staring at the same pic I was when I first sat down, then I began to yawn....yup my bed was looking better all the time. A few minutes past and a song I hadn't heard in awhile came on and stopped me in my tracks. (or would have had I moved at all in the last 20 minutes :) it was, ONE SCARRED HAND a song I sang to my kids as I rocked them when they were tired and fussy and I was exhausted and teary, a song I sang over and over in the hospital to Devin as I held him and rocked him, sat in icu by his sedated side, laid beside him in his big hospital bed when he was in pain or couldn't sleep a song I knew every word to and believed with all my heart. I stopped and listened a bit then joined in, when it was over I couldn't help but smile, and I thought thankyou Devin, you knew what your mama needed, it's your turn to be there for me huh?! I still didn't get much scrapping done but I felt great and I wasn't tired and I knew i'd been handed a hug straight from Heaven and my son and it was a like breath of fresh air, him whispering......i know sometimes it still hurts, but you'll be okay, you have this promise to hold onto you always sang to me about!! right along with the hug and whisper from my son, I felt God smile!! for some reason it seems my blog space changed a bit i cant upload a youtube video,probably my computer illiteracy showin up :) but if you go to youtube one scarred hand by gold city they have an awesome video of that song.....

Bottled Diamonds

Tears.... I’ve had lots over the years, there’s been times I’ve wondered if I was given a few extra pipelines and some others are missing theirs....when I’m nervous I cry....when I’m sad I cry.....when I’m grieving I cry.....sometimes when I call my hubby and hear his voice I cry.....or if I haven't talked to my mom in awhile I cry.....sometimes I cry when I’m happy.....sometimes I just cry for no obvious reason....sounds of certain birds, (yes!! Paula :) there is certain birds that have a breathtaking sound that makes me tear up every spring just in case your reading this) a touching song, a memory, a goodbye, and again the waterworks are operating in full power. I've cried when my kids were sick, in pain, when they were bad, and when there was moments of joy and pride. I've cried for others, in anger over life, in offense , in sympathy, in pain, in relief, I’ve cried because I was crying and didn't want to be or couldn't stop.....there are many reasons one cries....some of us just seem to have a trigger switch.

It used to be a source of frustration, and embarrassment to me, sometimes it still can be, like in Sunday School when asked to share our heart, and our response comes out in a trembling teary muddled mess of 3 choppy sentences instead of the eloquent paragraph running through your head of whats truly on your mind and in your heart and your sitting there thinking man!! not again these ladies probably cringe every time I open my mouth, thinking oh boy there she goes again!!. And it hits ya right now, like I wasn't feeling weepy or down or anything, it wasn’t that time of the month after all I am pg so cant blame it on the rag, could say prego hormones I guess cept this is a daily thing for me. Not a good memory, but I was told once in a letter from a church official that they felt I was manipulative, and that I used my tears to try and get my own way. Sorry persons, but I was just a quaking nervous wreck, I feel bad you don't have a heart of compassion that you cant read your people better than that. This is one of the reasons I write and blog, my feelings are portrayed so much better on paper or screen than in person, and a big plus is no one gets wet!! and no one needs to dig in their purse to share their stash of tissues! (thanks Beth, your the best-est :) someone once told me it's okay to be teary, it means you have a heart for people and a sensitive nature........i like that, I think I’ll go with it!! sounds much better than, don't mind me I'm a walking rainforest, or caution old faithful could blow at any given moment because I might need to use this to my advantage somehow!

I've also come to realize tears can be incredibly healing, like a deep cleansing relief. (yes!! I am one of those woman that will purposely sit down with a cry the whole way through movie just to get it outta my system) if you've never done that you should try it, you might end up with a migraine but you'll feel much better :) The Bible does say theres a time to weep....sometimes we just gotta make time.

There is a verse in the bible Psalm56:8 that talks about our tears and how that God catches each one and collects them in a bottle....that has been incredibly comforting to me through the many rainy seasons of my life, (although I’m sure years ago He traded my bottle in on a 50 gallon drum). But I love the mental picture I get of God holding us close when we cry, for whatever reason, and taking His thumb and gently catching each tear and bottling them. Leaves me feeling warm and cozy like a little girl snuggling on her daddies lap. I love the thought that to God I am that important, my tears are that important, that He cares and loves me so much that even my tears are like precious rare diamonds for Him to collect and treasure. I'm thinking Heaven must have millions of rainbows from the Son shining through all those bottled diamonds! And to Him it doesn't matter how we portray our hurts, struggles, joys or whatever, we don't need to have a flowery eloquent speech with all the right words and and dry eyes He just wants us to communicate with Him, He longs to hold us and listen to our heart even if every quiet time with Him is in a puddle! So don't ever be ashamed of your tears, after all God himself created us with this inner fountain and He treasures every leaky drop! I remember laughing at my son when he was 3 or 4, now 13, when he was crying bout something and hubby asked him why he was still crying, he replied cause my weepy thing still works :) i've come to be thankful for my weepy thing and the wondrous workings of it and the way its made for us to cleanse and heal and relate and rejoice and feel. the saying goes....tears are a language...i've come to believe that, although those around you may not always understand it doesn't matter where your at in life, what country your from what language you speak tears speak straight to the Father's heart and he understands every drop!