Life Is A "Feat" Live Not In "Defeet"

2 years ago when I was almost 38 we were blessed with our 5th pregnancy, 4th living bundle of love. Having a baby when one is rapidly rounding a curve and about to slam headlong into the big 40 was not exactly how I envisioned my life. I mean lets be real, at that age bodily things are already headed south at high speed and pregnancy at a "normal" age does irreparable damage to ones girly youthful figure, so at almost 40, well, there ain't much left that doesn't droop, sag, creak, groan, or ache, all the time, every hour!! Not meaning to complain, really, just sayin how it really is! would I give her back?? absolutely never!! that being said, this doesn't help the fact that this last pregnancy in my old age has ruined my feet!! till the end of those 9 months these poor feet were carrying around an elephant and they were only made to bear the weight of a really small nimble, yet graceful doe! I mean I couldn't even find my feet the last 2 months, and when I actually hesitantly viewed myself in my floor length mirror I had to convince my self that was actually my legs with feet on the end and not logs, or stove pipes!!! needless to say, our Ava doll is almost 3 years old and these poor feet let me know everyday and most nights that they were overworked, overloaded and very much underpaid! I crawl outta bed for a middle of the night potty break (yes, this still happens even tho we're not pg!) and again to face a new day, and I can barely get them to move let alone hold me up, the killing ache and pain shooting through them is enough to drop one to their knees in agony, but once I get up and moving for a bit it eases up, yet doesn't totally leave so it makes a mama that's on her feet a good part of every day, feel like an rickety old wagon that's seen better days! and this mama has a hard time not letting the pain make her grumpy at times, even tho in her heart she knows it could be so much worse!
did you know, 2 almost 3 year olds are extremely active??!! well, they are!! and when daddys on the couch exhausted after a long day of work and big bro and sis are otherwise occupied with various activities and chores guess who gets called on to jump on the trampoline, and swing, and chase chickens, and play baseball, (yes, for some reason she has a passion for it, musta inherited her mamas love of the game, although she hasn't graduated beyond tennis rackets and soft fuzzy tennis balls)and ride bikes and find frogs and throw tires for cocoa??? MAMA!! Mama, pregnant 5 times and body outta whack, Mama, sore aching feet mama, is the chosen playmate!! so last night she begged and pleaded for mama to jump with her, and after walking around in pain most of the day with achy feet and screaming ankle I convinced her to jump while I watched from the swing and I would cheer her on and encourage her to jump higher and faster. periodically she'd spy a hen that flew the coop and would chase after it and finally squeal with delight when she caught it, and would hold it and love on it awhile before depositing it back inside the fence. at one point she came over to the swings and was swinging on her belly and we started talking about God and what He made, and she was pulling grass and said look mom, I'm pickin God's grass :) then she would go down the list of her people sayin God made, daddy, God made Brandon etc. then it changed to mom God made my trampoline :) I said well, yea kinda I guess, I mean He gave us the means to have one :) then outta the blue she very excitedly with much enthusiasm said mom, we need to go see Him!!! I said, go see who, God?? yeah, mom, we need to go see God!! and I thought, oh, honey child, if only!! you dear girl have no idea how wonderful that would be!! how some days the longing to "Go Home" is so very great!! I said Ava, do you know where God lives?? she said, huh??? I said God lives in heaven!! again, with a giggle, she says, huh, mom? heaven?? I said yup, way, way up high in the sky!! she just giggles and giggles and says, ooooooooo!! and the conversation ended as she squealed and ran off in hot persuit of another wayward hen! but.....I found myself feeling closer to God, and talking to him as I swang and drank in the sight of unending energy bouncing all over the yard on young swift happy little feet giggling over all things nature and wiggly and furry and feathered. by this time the darkness was closing in and another day was coming to an end and I called in my little whirlwind and told her it's time to go in and wash away the days dirt and dust. she bounced up and said I gonna run faster, I gonna beat you !! I gladly said sure you will, you run faster!! :) I proceeded to "walk" leisurely behind, waaayyy behind her, and as I walked, I was talking to God and I said, God, it would be awesome if you would take away this feet pain, if you would relieve me of it so I can be comfortable, so I can keep up with and enjoy this child and her energy, and, I know you have the power to do that if it's in my best interest, and as walked, each step got easier and with less pain until it wasn't totally gone but almost nonexistent!! I just started smiling like a crazy person and couldn't stop!! and potty break time and this morning my feet moved like a well oiled machine with only a tiny ankle ache!! then I thought back to miss Ava and my conversation about seeing God, and thought as much as we long to go see Him, do we take advantage of all the moments throughout our day when He makes himself visible?? she is in awe of every butterfly that comes along, and the birds she loves, she will carry around toads and frogs and talk to them, and I thought I need to make sure that when she spies these critters she seeing a glimpse of God! someone recently was lamenting the fact that this world has become so ugly, I disagree, the hearts and actions of souls in this world has become ugly, but, this world, God's beautiful created world is gorgeous and amazing! and we really only need to look around us, within inches of our eyesight at all times to discover something awesome and beautiful that exudes Him and His Glory!! it's amazing when we enter a child's world all we can learn, and so often in such simplicity and bold glaring truth! I want my baby girl to learn to look around her and see God! I want when she gets a longing to, Go See God, for her to know she only needs to look up and around and she will be able to not only see Him , but she can reach out and touch Him!! I want to learn myself, that I need to be more in tune, more ready to wash away the dirt and dust of life and lean on Him every second, to bring my aches and pains, my worries and fears, my anxiety's to Him daily, hourly, minute by minute, instead of letting them cripple me and take over my life!! I want to more consciously bring ALL to Him, the tiny, the huge, the mundane, the seemingly insignificant, the overwhelming, the good, the bad, the ugly, and more consciously strive to let it there, with HIM, it's the best place for it all anyway!! I want to live in each moment for Him, pausing to reach out and touch Him, looking around me to see Him, dwelling on the awesomeness of His world, and not drowning in the ugly!! living in peaceful victory, not in tormented de"feet"!!      

Mixed Feathers

Back here in the sticks we are lover of all things nature!! well....ok.... that's a bit strong of a statement I guess, cause the spiders can take a hike and the snakes, shudder, are not embraced, in any form, or size, or color EVER!!!!! but...other than that we pretty much love all the rest! But, we especially love the birds we've been blessed with! We even take dead tops of large fallen trees and plant them near the house for the fowls open air smorgasbord and rest areas and for our up close and personal viewing and entertainment!
Birds are amazing, so beautiful, and fascinating to me!! I mean for the most part it doesn't matter what the weather is like you never crawl out of bed in the morning to total silence!! First small break of light in the sky you can feel and hear the forest stirring, coming alive, awakening in praise of a new day, their songs bursting forth with no hesitation! We've never witnessed the Robin family, stomping around in a huff, feathers drawn, wings crossed and tight beaked cause their nest wasn't holding up well in the springs first of many thunderstorms, rather they are perched proudly voices raised praising in the middle of the down pour!! I've never peered out my windows in the early morning and jumped back startled exclaiming, well, kids, looks like todays an indoor day, cause looks like Downy Woodpeckers got outta the wrong side of their nest this A.M!! We have quite a wonderful variety of feathered loveliness around here, some are only for a short season, just passing through but grace us with their beauty and presence each year like the Red Breasted Grosbeak, or the Indigo Bunting, which is rare and mainly in the mountains behind our place. Then there's the Eastern Blue bird that occasionally leaves their open meadow and homey areas and hangs out here awhile catching bugs! Then there's my absolute favorite song bird that comes in early spring and stays until late fall, the Wood Thrush, their song makes me melt and smile and do my own praising ever time and along with this ones beautiful melody is my other most favorite song bird and also most favorite attired feathered friend, the Baltimore Orioles!! and right up close to that is the Brown Thrasher and Rufus Sided Towee! Then there's the we wanna be nearby but we'll keep our distance ones, the Pileated Woodpeckers, the Northern Flickers, the Jenny Wren, the Robin's and the Song Sparrow. And then there's the faithful every day up close and personal entertainers, the Cardinals, Blue Jays, Purple Finch, Gold Finch............................................................aaaannnnddddd I interrupt this nature walk to report my first snake spotting this year, right outside MY PATIO DOOR!!!!!!!! speak of the devil!!! About the length and width of a yellow #2 pencil, smallish I know, but fears are real, and big, and not to be taken lightly....... It may or may not have made friends with a certain earth digger tool thingy!! ok....I'm still shivering, and feeling crawly, but back to my bird sanctuary, as I was saying, our every day faithful's, are the.......oh, the creepy, it was a baby, so does that mean more?? and where are they?? and how many?? and I was so enjoying being outdoors this year the first in many years without allergies.......birds, Janette, birds, focus already!! Every day birds.... the Doves, the humming birds, the Downy Woodpeckers, the Hairy Woodpeckers, (still trying to get past the goosebumpy feeling) the Nuthatches, the Tufted Titmouse, and the Red Bellied Woodpeckers. And among the everyday entertainers is another small group of birds, the low class group, the welfare section, the poor souls, the less than desirables, namely, the Starlings, Cowbirds and sparrows. There's nothing particularly wrong with these few more than they are not pretty in song or clothing, and they are rather a dirtier sort, but the most amazing and fascinating thing about this whole group of flighty wonders is, they all are so different, so unique, and yet they without judgment dine together, side by side, sharing from the same provision without a fuss!! And they willingly care for each other and pick up the slack of the lesser with no complaint!! We discovered the Cowbirds will lay there eggs in another mamas nest and fly away from all child rearing responsibility leaving the other all ready gonna be a mama anyway to feed and raise her young'uns! Anyway, we were blessed to witness this mixed family unit, on Sunday as we're enjoying our lunch in our central aired dining room  we spotted a mama and papa Cardinal lovingly feeding a baby Cowbird!! Talk about nature even following scripture commands and feeding and caring for the orphans and fatherless!! Another thing about these feathered wonders that I'm in awe off is their trust and faith in their creator, their Heavenly Father!! God's word clearly says how He cares for the birds of the air, even the Sparrow, the low class of birds, He cares for them, and here's the part that smacks me 'tween the eyes, those little guys, these feathered friends, LET HIM!! They wake every morning full of joy and praise cause they know that He's got them and they rest in that fully!! They sing out the storms cause He said He sees each one and cares and they TRUST HIM EVERY TIME no matter what, no questions asked, cause He's their Father, their Promise Keeper, their Faithful to the end by their side Creator, He told them He would and they rest in His promise, His word, cause they know without a slightest hesitation that He lovingly created each of them and will keep His promise to also care for them, every new day, all day, so they rise each morning in praise, they sleep each night in rest!! I got so much learning and growing to do!!                  

God Appointments

after a wonderful afternoon and evening with dear friends, precious baby snuggles and catch up time we loaded up our troops and all manner of paraphernalia we started our hour and a half trek towards home. mama was the choice of pilot cause dad wanted to kick back and snooze and the rest were settling in to do much of the same. shortly into the journey the pilot decides that for the guarantee of everyone's safe arrival to scheduled destination it would be in everyone's best interest to fill the family ride with fuel and get the pilot something to slurp on so as not to join the rest in slumber! so we pulled into a little gas station/convenient store and not surprising at all the kiddoes all roused enough to realize if mamas getting a drink they require one as well so my 16 year old kindly gets out and begins fueling while mama takes and fills drink requests. as I came out of the store with our body fuel and prepared to continue our journey I noticed a nice little white car parked off to the side and about the same time I saw a young girl maybe 17-18ish making her way nervously towards me with a distressed look on her pretty face. I glanced at her and smiled then continued about my business but it wasn't but a few seconds and I heard, ma'am, ma'am......I walked towards her and said yes?? she wrapped her arms around her middle and said, I don't ever do this is but I don't know what else to do and I keep calling my mom but no one answers and I need gas and I always use a card and I forgot my card and have no cash and I don't know what else to do, could you help me? there has been so many times I've driven passed those holding help wanted, or homeless signs and have felt torn in how to respond but this time there was no question in my heart and mind, no nervousness, no doubting her story no hesitation. I looked her in the eyes, eyes filled with a slight panic and a silent please let this be help and I said hang on a sec. and let me see what I got. I turned and rummaged through my purse and came up with fifteen dollars, I grabbed it and turned to hand it to her seeing her still with her arms wrapped tightly around herself and nervously shifting from foot to the other, and said here, it's not a lot but it's all I got and it's yours, then I gave her a hug and said i pray you get home safely. startled she hugged me back and couldn't get done thanking me! as i crawled in my family ride and once again prepared to embark on the rest of our journey home i saw she had pulled up to the pump and had her gas lid open and was in the store. at this point i noticed all was relatively quiet among my troops and i felt the eyes of hubby and son on me, as i got onto the highway hubby breaks the silence with, what was that about with a not so amused expression on his face?? and i hear my son say yeah, what did you do?? so i explained and there was absolutely no verbal response, only another look i could only define as, i think she's nutso!! then total silence and slumber. i on the other hand was thankful for the silence, i couldn't get the girls face outta my mind, and i kept thinking my son is sixteen and now driving and feeling quite independent at times and i pray to God if he ever finds himself in a situation anything like this young lady did that there would be someone God would place in that moment to be there for him. thinking on it the whole way home gave me time to pray for her and for the part of her story that i don't know. it didn't enter my mind not to believe her, and through out the rest of that week and many times since she has come to mind and i feel led to pray for her and i can't help but think tho our paths crossed very briefly i believe it was God appointed. there was so many things i thot of later i could have done, i could've said pull your car up here and i'll use my card and fill it, but, i don't think that's what i was supposed to do, cause that would have made it feel to her like i don't trust her and i believe she needed more to believe that she could trust me! and while we were there there was a rough grungy looking Harley rider there clad in leather, tattoos and chains, I'm not one that likes to categorize and judge people on their appearance etc. and I'm not a fearful of person of those that are rough looking cause I've found some of those souls have the kindest hearts and most are hiding behind their look because of past hurts, but as i walked past this gentleman i smiled and said hello and was met with hard eyes and almost disdain so to me he was one i would have used caution around, anyway thinking of this young girl i thot you know what if i wouldn't have helped her out and the only person left to turn to was mr. Harley and what if she would have asked and he would have agreed but only with stipulations and some form of evil self gratification?? i know my imagination runs rampant at times but hey theres crazies out there!! and all this reiterated in my heart and mine that we are put in peoples path for a reason, we are called to serve and reach out and hear Jesus and then i wondered how many times I've left Jesus down and didn't listen to His nudge to hold one of His needy souls in whatever tiny way i could. even if it's just a smile, a genuine reaches your eyes and says I've got Jesus kind of smile, or a go ahead i got the door, or..........there are so many small ways if we put aside our rush through life to the next point on our agenda life style! and what if the verse about entertaining angels unawares included a pretty stranded teenage girl...............   

There Are Royal Days

so there is this little thought that keeps going through my mind this week, and it's not something that's necessarily new and yet it's the first that it seems my feeble little mind is fully grasping it and actually allowing it to take root and grow. kinda like those new bulbs my dear hubby so excitedly planted last year than forgot about and is now ecstatic to witness the fruits of his labor taking root and poking through the mud reaching towards the light, yup I'd say that's kind of how this thought is for me, I'm breaking through the murky doubty soil and seeing the light dawning and the new growth feels amazing, and in my heart of hearts I know to get to this awakening there has been a lot of transplanting and pruning and dying and rebirth and the whole process has been dirty and messy and downright trembly and torturous at times but every day with a little more strength and shaky confidence I'm finding myself being able to look in the mirror and smile and say, yes, You, Janette, are the PORTRAIT OF A PRINCESS, CHOSEN DAUGHTER OF THE KING!!!!!
there are many days I fail in reaching out to others, fail to send that note of encouragement, drop a hello I'm praying, fail to deliver that needed meal...... many days I fail my husband fail to respect and honor and buildup... fail my kids, to cheer on, praise, lift up, pray for them.... many days I lose my temper, my patience, I yell instead of speak softly and gently. but at the end of the day as I come before my Heavenly Father I hear Him say with a smile, it's ok dear girl, you are the PORTRAIT OF A PRINCESS, CHOSEN DAUGHTER OF THE KING!! and tomorrow is a new day!
there are many days that sadness of life crowds in, taking over my sonshine, many days my head is all about myself filled with pity, and why me? why my son being taken so young, when so many don't even want theirs? many days I can't focus beyond my own world and the hurt that life has dealt, and the anger of a life not as I wish it would have been takes over my thoughts, and I rant and fume and stomp my feet and shake my fist......but at the end of those exhausting days as I lay down hanging my head in shame, I hear my Heavenly father whisper, rest easy my girl, nothing you have ever done can make me unchoose you or remove your portrait from my royal family album, you will always be priceless to me, I never keep track of and remember your forgiven indiscrepincys, sins, or shortcomings, i'll always love you unconditionally! and then He lifts my head, looks into my eyes and tenderly whispers, for you will always be to me the PORTRAIT OF A PRINCESS, CHOSEN DAUGHTER OF THE KING!! and tomorrow is a new day!
and then there are days where I rush headlong into the day and I forget to stop and pray, to soak up the word of God, to sit and be still. I run around doing all sorts of things and yet a whole lot of nothing. my priorities are all askew and things that are so not important take precedence over everything of utmost importance. the family goes without clean laundry, the meals thrown together and the dust bunnies threatened to run us outta house and home. kids get rushed out the door to school barely making it on time, and that night I wonder what was accomplished  and feel like a total mother and wife failure, but still there's a whisper, YOU ARE THE PORTRAIT OF A PRINCESS, CHOSEN DAUGHTER OF THE KING!!!! and tomorrow is a new day!!
there are many days when the devil brings about thoughts from days gone by, choices that were less than perfect, wrongs and failures, regrets and grudges and throws them in my face and stirs up the doubts of forgiveness and heart set, free made new in Christ, and my mind stumbles and questions and doubts but  at the end of those teary, begging yet again for forgiveness and acceptance that gentle voice comes to me and assures, your mine always, THE PORTRAIT OF A PRINCESS, CHOSEN DAUGHTER OF THE KING!!! and tomorrow is a new day!
there are many days I live in dissatisfaction of who I am. I loathe my size, my waist Is non existent, and the shelf out the back needs a caution triangle or as we called them growing up and now seems so appropriate "fanny flags"! I feel fat and grumpy cause young and thin feels forever gone, and fat, sassy and happy is so over rated, bra size is embarrassing and finding clothes to fit and be modest without claiming title of bag lady is next to impossible, and the fire one could start with the thigh rubbage, oh my!! and then theirs the stomach hangover and stretch marks that never quite fade from pregnancy, birthing, C-sections, weight gain and just aging in general. and the double chin, and arm flab accented by flashes of yellow teeth and pale skin. but every day I'm beginning to see myself a little more as being beautiful, cause I've been hearing this tender repeating, to me you are a masterpiece, I have created you, you are as you are because this is who I desire you to be, and because of my blessings to you in the form of your most priceless heaven sent gifts, your children!! and whats more important than any of this is that you smile and you shine for me no matter what, because to me you will always be the PORTRAIT OF A PRINCESS, CHOSEN DAUGHTER OF THE KING!! and tomorrow is a new day!
and there are days when fear and worry over any number of things crowd in, looming large, threatening to bury me with the weight of it!! when trust is all but gone and God seems so small and extremely long distant!! days when it's not that I forget to pray but I just can't, when it seems to exhausting, to difficult and even a bit worthless! days when I question when I'm even on God's radar. days I wonder if it's worth it and will I ever be strong enough. and days when I wonder if I ever had faith at all. and then at the end of the day peace that only comes from above washes over and I hear, head up my girl, your still the PORTRAIT OF A PRINCESS, CHOSEN DAUGHTER OF THE KING!! and tomorrows a new day!
and there are days when relationships are to hard and overwhelming and messy, days when who you perceived as friends are judgmental, hurtful, and betraying. when the hurt and broken and alone are so thick and many around you, you feel swallowed up in the helplessness and hurting of it all. days when your family feels unwanting of you and rejectful, when your friends feel far away and unreachable, when church feels like a ritual waste instead of enriching worship, but then there's His voice saying, I am all you need, and you are the PORTRAIT OF A PRINCESS!! CHOSEN DAUGHTER OF THE KING!! and tomorrow is a new day!!!
there are days I wonder if I learnt anything through our trials and sorrows and tears. days I wonder if there is surely not more to life than this?!! days I question whether we are where were meant to be or what if were being called out somewhere different and were not tuning in enough to hear, to get it. and then I hear, I know the plans I have for you, a hope and a future, and I know you are THE PORTRAIT OF A PRINCESS!! CHOSEN DAUGHTER OF THE KING!! and tomorrow is a new day!!
I know this is life, I am human, there will be more of, THESE DAYS!! but as I go to bed tonight, it's with a lite, peaceful, joy filled heart knowing in Him I'm who I'm meant to be, because of Him I'm perfectly beautiful!! I'm chosen, wanted, loved, valued, beautiful and perfect in every way cause this who my heavenly father has called and created me to be!! and in the end it's not what I see through mine or anyone elses glasses that matters!! I'M THE PORTRAIT OF A PRINCESS, I'M THE CHOSEN DAUGHTER OF THE KING!!! I'M ROYALTY!! And that's something to celebrate and dance about!!!!!!

Parallel Parking, Potty Training, and Pads

This month.....wow it's almost gone! This month of March has been a bit strange, hard to describe, emotional, .........surreal!! Hubby has been home for most of the month which has been really nice, with all the intense cold weather we were having he finished up his jobs and nothing else was ready, so the down time to catch up with each others lives and get odds and ends done was wonderful not to mention the joys of staying in my warm house while he volunteered to take over the daily school run most days! so it was at the beginning of this little reprieve from work that mama decided it was a great time to begin the potty training of little Miss Ava!! I mean brilliant right!!?? who doesn't dream of that extra pair of hands and feet to help with the many potty break interruptions through out ones day!! but anyway as it turns out hubby was huge help in the potty training adventure cause hubby had a new trailer to organize and ready for when work started again and well mama still needed to do grocery runs and all so daddy babysat and tinkered with his trailer and miss Ava loved every minute with trailing her daddy around for weeks!! And well with a minimum of accidents lil miss is now wearing panties and even staying dry through the night!!! but..........in the middle of all this mama had to take Mr. Brandon  to practice parallel parking and then later on for his drivers test and then to purchase his first set of wheels and his own insurance!!  it was like all of a sudden I felt like I was having an outta body experience!! I was trying to dance to every drummer in one fell swoop!! needless to say I wasn't dancing well, I was trippin all over my feet and everyone elses that happened in my path!! I mean I shouldn't have been shocked what with having a lil lady 10 years on behind the last and 14 years after the oldest!! but........ I just wasn't prepared for the spin I found myself in......in one sense I was so excited and thrilled to watch my oldest take another step towards being a man and growing his wings a bit more, but then with that came all the emotions of feeling old (and having a cashier ask me if I wanted the senior 50 and over card didn't help) and then like a blast my mind turned towards the past and wondering what Devin would be saying to his big brother about his new jeep and if he'd be the first one in for a ride and tagging along to youth group and being the typical backseat driver most younger siblings are and then I started feeling horribly bad for Brandon not having a chance to be that hero big brother to Devin and not having the chance for the two of them to go muddin together and all those other crazy wonderful memory making moments brothers have. and then........I walked in the door at home and lil miss comes running to tell me that she stayed dry and needs to go potty and wants mommy to help and I felt a tiny bit younger again yet very much in many different worlds cause  then middle child/daughter comes to me and proceeds to let me know that she needs bigger unmentionables and a new supply of feminine products the next time I go for groceries and I thought, wow!! I really am at all intersections of life here with my darling kids and I can choose to be overwhelmed and frustrated and frazzled or I can proceed cautiously and grab onto every wonderful amazing moment and make as many memories as I possibly can and hang onto each of these seasons knowing after awhile there'll come a season when this is past and i'll look back and long for just a tiny bit of it all again!!  cause in the end I'd give anything to be experiencing whatever it is Devin would be into right now and time has no guarentees  and our moments are so quickly lost if we don't consciously lasso everyone and immerse ourselves it and then file them away for later entertainment!! so...........life.......is great in it's many faces, we are blessed beyond measure!!  

Of Mushrooms and Cherubs

the winter is beginning to feel really lo-o-o-o-ong! temps are horrendously low and wind is horrifically high! I've never been a fan of cold or wind, (less I'm somewhere tropicalish and it's a warm breeze by the sea) but this year seems it's longer and colder than ever, or perhaps it's my age creeping up on me, after all 40 means going downhill so I'm sure there'd ample opportunities for the wind to be in your face. however I say all that to say I totally understand the cycle of seasons and we need the cold to get nature and us ready for spring and new life! Life it self can have lo-o-o-o-ng winter seasons too, and the heart knows that in order to see fresh results, new growth, we gotta hang tough and hold tight to the one in control of the seasons cycles, the head, however has a hard time most often it seems wrapping it's mind around this fact and being patient and hopeful. sometimes when life gets in the way and relationships are a struggle, souls around us are hurting, friends are grieving, others are fighting to hold onto their own hope, conflicts and confrontations are for front, the daily seems pointless, why's are unanswered, directions in life seem lost and unattainable......sometimes it's then the mind feels raped, shutting down to auto pilot, numb, moving in slow motion, telling oneself to breath through the next moments, day after day. what one found therapeutic and rejuvenating becomes exhausting and elusive, the body moving but not aware or calculating each step, rather just getting by. the darkness seems to grab ahold and fight every waking moment to crowd in, the light seems so distant and elusive, and you feel more like a mushroom kept in the dark surrounded by poop.......but then..... a tiny sliver of light breaks through the tear stained cracks, and as you lift your face towards it and feel the warmth and love of an exceptionally good day spring and new life seem not so far away, not so out of reach, and the hope bud blooms a bit more vibrantly!
we have literally been surrounded by poop this very long cold winter week. all but one of us down with the flu almost every day! Praise God that seems to be behind us!! but... my littlest bundle of love and pure heaven, can always be counted on for a ray of sunshine....Miss Ava has taught me so much about pure love, and connections to Heaven and My father! Ever since she was itty bitty when I would hold and snuggle her she wouldn't quite settle until she found her favorite cozy spot right over mamas heart then she would settle in and snooze, now that she's 2 it's not much different cept there's a bit more of her to try and curl, but she still comes when she's tired or sad or not feeling well and says, "mom, hold you please" :) and loves to snuggle right over my heart while I "rock you"! time and time again I've thought about this and the comfort and feeling of security and belonging she finds there and I think, wow, I could learn so much from this cherub, if only when I feel numb and shrouded in dark and despair , I would run to my Father in those first moments, and say, hold me please, and place myself right over His heart and give Him my life struggles then leave it, lay back and rest, be still! but to many times for some crazy twisted reason I forget to do that till last ditch effort, and He wants nothing more for us than to not have to go this life alone but to lean fully on Him....Always! well..... here's to a new week, filled with warmth, forgiveness, hope, health and Father heart moments!

No Tears In Heaven? I Wonder.......

The Bible....i believe it.... in there it says there are no tears in heaven.....i believe this too....at least for the saints that pass on and receive their eternal reward....however, I do wonder many times if God has a private sanctuary no one, not even saint John, or King David, knows about! A place where God himself goes alone and curls up and weeps and stores His own bottles of tears....... cause I think if I were God and my children acted so often like His does I would wear out the hinges of that secret door and I'd be buying myself a bottling company!!!!! why?? why?? do we who are His, called by Him, the Author of unconditional love, the Master of all things Grace and Peace and Mercy, find it so incredibly difficult to LOVE ONE ANOTHER?? Especially when He loves each of us, that are messed up, floundering and extremely imperfect, so unconditionally without question!! it's a Bible command, repeated over many times!! Love one another!! another verse says, Do good unto ALL men, ESPECIALLY those of the house hold of faith!! and here is where I think God must run to His hiding place and overflow jar after jar after jar, as time after time, He witnesses those who claim Him, tear each other to pieces! We all are on a journey, no two are the same, some have been through serious bogs and floods and some have been through battle after battle while others struggle to overcome wave after wave of whatever each is called to travel. It could be death, abuse, broken homes, rejection, fear, it could be the fight against feeling loved, wanted, needed, or the fight against, low self esteem, unworthiness or anxiety, depression, the list could go on for pages and pages. And yet, we time and time again continue to overlook the importance of investing in people and creating a relationship with them and lifting them in prayer, to instead, tear them to shreds, push them away, and turn your back because well, I don't think they look like I do, or maybe,, they do things different than me, or, I think I heard they said something about me that I don't think I like, or, have a differing opinion of something that's important to me, or, just because you really just think you don't like them just because you don't think you will and not even reach out and try!! in the meantime, we also forget that for some reason we may never know here and now, God put us in each others path for a reason, maybe it's for our growth and good, maybe it's to help them trust again, or, believe in people, or, to grow in their own way, so don't we owe it to ourselves, and them, and especially to God who gives us every perfect gift, to come alongside each other and be what we can to one another along this journey!!?? God knows this life is trying and shaky enough without rejecting the fellow saints He gifts us along the way!! the Bible does tell His people that yes, there will be hard times, for some even persecution and trials, but we never expect to face that among other saints and I think God weeps even harder cause He hasn't planned that either!! we say we believe the Bible, and yet, another thing He repeats in there over and over is the thought of being set apart from the world, and yes, most often that's brought out in teachings referring to the way we clothe ourselves, or, our activities, or posessions, but what about our church relationships, and church family actions?? I wonder sometimes if His tears would be from looking at what is claimed to being His church and seeing dealings and actions that look like a mirror of the workings of the government!! We gasp at the thought of that and are rightly appalled and yet when we see how we let petty differences and irritations fester and become mountains to the point where we claim we no longer can work with other believers and we go about making life hard for them by constantly having an issue with them, by talking them down, and turning others against them, trying to bring ourselves up in others eyes as the holy, spiritually attained, all almost perfect, got it all together, can do virtually no wrong, and in doing that we make it easy for them to walk away, we place defeat and anxiety they were never meant to carry on their shoulders, we make it easy for them to question true christianity, we make it easy for them to fall into depression and despair, we make it easy for them to say this place is not for me, they say this is not at all what I envisioned from God's word what Christ likeness was to be, and we set back with a sigh as another thorn is removed and outta our way, no we don't literally have them done away with or cause them silently disappear from this world forever, but we batter them, we kill their spirit, we belittle and make them to be wounded weary and battle worn .......i wonder if God sees politics in that, instead of being men and woman of prayer and long suffering with each other we find it easy to remove “the problem” and go on with our own agenda......we complain this world needs more men, true stand up and be men, men, and yet when they try we criticize and beat down and condemn the good they try to implant where they have opportunity and men that God calls to do His work walk away defeated, deflated and as unconfidant as small boys.....i wonder how wonderfully our churches would grow and bloom and shine Christ light, how small areas of our world around us would be healed and God's kingdom be more beautifully built if we would put to practice another Bible command and get our eyes off ourselves and our own selfish agendas and personal vendettas and get our focus firmly fixed on the cross and the light and love shining from those three blood stained nails!! I wonder how many priceless relationships we lose by listening to the trash talk about others and instead of investing and building we run and demolish, I wonder how many saints journeys are rougher than God ever intended because we let ourselves and our own personal irritantes of others and quirks get in between us and our cross focus, I wonder if we kill personalities and life because we say we are more and hold ourselves higher as we squash down and snuff out......i wonder if God sees a twisted self centered government like persona over shadowing what we claim is His church........i wonder if He sees His church being selfishly thrown together and underhandedly manned if He sees bricks being tossed aside instead of cemented firmly in place with love, grace, forgiveness, faith, hope ....... I wonder if today I made my Saviour run to His sanctuary and weep............God forgive us, let us keep your cross front and center and self buried!! God help us love and lift up, to hold the hands that hang down, and not crush and toss aside, help us overlook the differences and encourage to shine you and put aside our own agenda and live yours!! give us true reconciliation and Grace......always grace!!