But....For God.....

October 2...…….thirteen years ago today I was sitting in a stale waiting room on a cold square pathetically uncomfortable vinyl chair, my arms wrapped around the bone weary and thin diseased body of my 5 year old Devin, holding him, snuggling him, trying to stay positive and hopeful and keep smiling and not give into the terror of what could be, or maybe already was, as we waited for yet another radiation treatment for the cancer that returned with a vengeance. Devin was weak and aching, yet, resigned to do the next step, but, didn't move far from my lap if he could at all help it!! My mama was with me for the day, being a moral support for me and a distraction for Devin. As we waited for our turn to be called back to the radiation unit, we noticed that security around the area inside and out, tightened up and there was a sympathetic and saddened, yet, urgent look on emergency personnel and nurses faces as they rushed to the back outside entrances where ambulances were silently pulling in, and the eerie sound of medical choppers were landing. As we all sat silently breathing prayers for whoever was involved in whatever trauma was going on and our hearts going out to whoever's day wasn't turning out as they'd hoped we started noticing medical people ushering in Amish folk with dazed and numb expressions, and glancing outside there was more gathering and milling on the side walks, with security and law enforcement officers standing far enough away for them to have privacy, but close enough to deter any un-wanted, whether it be media or curious onlookers. About the time we thought we couldn't stand the wondering what happened anymore, the entire waiting room occupant body all gasped in horror, then fell deathly silent as the TV blared the breaking news of unimaginable proportions, a neighboring man to an Amish school house broke into their morning classes and heartlessly took the lives and caused severe injuries to 10 Amish girls...…...my mind reeled, I hugged my lil cancer ridden son tighter and wept for what these poor families were facing. The glassed over blank eyes and solemn dejected faces and robotic motions of the girls loved ones and classmates hanging around the hospital corridors and sidewalks all made sense now. I wanted to go to every mother and hug her tight and try and offer comfort but there was none to give, it was all so horrific and fresh and unbelievably other worldly, but the terror and angst on their faces was so devastatingly haunting. My heart ached for them, as they entered the waiting room looking for a seat to take the load off shaky jellied legs, only to hurry back out as the scene and news caster on tv replayed the horror over and over. The thought of what I was watching my Devin go through and deal with I found to be so unbearably exhausting and extremely trying and heartbreaking, and yet as I pondered how these mama's were feeling I couldn't begin to imagine. How do you recover from such horror and violation??!! How do you ever get what horrendous actions you just witnessed out of your mind, how do you move on, how do you trust again, how do you forgive…..and when I thought of the mama's having to bury their daughter's, their healthy, vibrant, active daughter's for the senseless acts of another selfish human, I couldn't breathe.....I knew it was a very real possibility that I could be the mama in the very near future standing by a grave, but, I also knew my son had been fighting for his life for 14 long months and that there was nothing another soul did to put him in this situation, this was life with cancer, a disease, not another human choosing to inflict ugliness and terror..... As hard as it is to walk the unwanted grief road, as hard as it is to wrap my mind around not hearing that impish giggle or I love you mom one more time, as hard as it is each year to face another season of fall, as hard as it is to make yourself put one foot in front of the other to get through that first day after the last breath, as hard as it is to choose every. single. day. to move on, as hard as it is to think, we not only made it through the first year in tact, but are now on our thirteenth year without our Devin......as brutally hard as that all is...….. I CANNOT IMAGINE being the mama of one of these dear girls...… my heart still aches for them, for the girls that survived, and the flash backs and PTSD their mama's may have to walk their daughter's through, even 13 years later, for the work of having to choose everyday, for not only themselves, but helping their girls to choose forgiveness, for those that may have physical disabilities to live and deal with as a reminder every day.....no mama ever wants to have to stand by their child's grave, but, especially in this way, I'm so thankful for my faith and knowing these mama's have their faith I know without a doubt this is how they got through the unimaginable horror, this is how they got from that last breath, to 13 years, their faith, this is what gives them the strength to go on knowing because of their faith and God's promises, their tragedy will be turned into eternal rejoicing and celebration some day when they're reunited. One thing I know now, whether disease or disaster, a mama's grief is like no other, there is no definition, no description, no remedy or cure, just raw, aching, heart ripped out and shredded to ribbons bloody grief.  That day 13 years ago was brightened a bit when we got to meet up with my dear Uncle Dan for lunch while we were there, he was such a big support and despite the pall of somberness cast over our day at the breaking news, he always had a way of bringing laughter and encouragement, he to is now gone from our lives from this ugly cancer disease, but every time I remember him I hear him say, dear niece, whatever you do, stay faithful and true. But, for my faith, I would not be able to stand upright and wade though this murky, slough called life, with all it's troubles and griefs. Tonight, I go to bed, resting in the fact that I can truly rest knowing I serve a big God that has my world firmly in His hands! Tonight I go to bed thankful for the 5 short years I was blessed to snuggle the most adorable black eyed impish angel. Tonight I go to bed, thankful for the Amish mama's faith to forgive and I pray for peace and comfort to wrap like a warm soft cloak around each family that remembers, each girl that thinks back,  tonight as I go to bed, I thank God for my Uncle Dan and his life and encouragement and for his faithfulness, tonight as I go to bed, I choose to rest well in my creator, knowing I'm in the safest place ever, knowing His mercies are new every morning and His promises will never fail, despite disease, death, or disaster.