Ring That Bell

So I debated doing away with any more posts documenting my breast cancer craziness cause I lost count of how many times this post was journaled then disappeared on me, quite frustrating and heats ones temper up pretty quickly after you go to all that work and take the time to sit down and put it all into words, not sure if it's my internet service, (great possibility) or the program I use or the devil saying no one needs to hear anything you have to say and your God surely don't need anymore credit or...….but....after someone wondered if I'm going to finish my story, and me needing to document for my own remembering and giving thanks for what I've come through I decided to keep posting even if it's weeks or months since the posts events, so here I am, back, and ready to try this again. I made a "my space" in our bedroom. A place where I can open my lap top and grab a few minutes here and there, of quiet and peace, through out the day, and write a line or two, or a place to meditate and pray, to reboot. It was hubby's suggestion, really, I was fretting to him one day after he enquired to my well being, that I NEED to write, I said it's been weeks and there's all this stuff going through my head and updates I'd like to document, but I just feel all this "other stuff" responsibilities, looking at me that needs my attention, or if I just go ahead and sit down to take some time, there's a 6 year old that has "important" stories, and needs mom time, and I can't hate her for that, God knows she's had to take the back burner more often than not through all this, and, well, just general life interruptions. Anyway, his suggestion was to make a place in our bedroom, in the little offset sitting area on the front side, or so it was created to be at some point, in the almost 8 years we've lived here it's mostly been a catch all/storage/baby room, anyway, he suggested putting something together in that area, where, I could get away and shut the door a bit here and there, I love that he recognized my need for some sanity saving time, or maybe it was the rest of the households sanity he was thinking of saving, yikes!! either way, I have been "creating" my space there, and having fun designing it and choosing a few pieces of furniture and some pops of color and it's been so fun to be doing something fresh and exciting that doesn't require an overload of info and brain frying with appointments and more meds and needles etc. but kind of feels like I'm a normal human being, so anyway, it's a work in progress.
The next paragraph gives you a little idea how long ago I started this post, after having it disappear to many times to count...…
Cannot believe as I'm writing this, that Miss Ava is already on the count down to starting back to school into first grade!! 19 more days, she's over the moon excited to be going back and to see her friends!! me, not so much!! makes me want to sit down and sob buckets, actually!! literally feel like I've missed out on an entire summer with her, with my family in general, and just slept and medicated and ran to appointments, and now here it is, time to be back in school again. But, am also thankful, as I write this, that I am on the countdown to the end of this cancer mess!! Can almost not grasp the reality of that, feels a bit surreal, also feels a bit terrifying, like, how am I gonna be able to function on my own with out my network of safety in my medical team, and, what if I miss something, or, what about this twinge, and that ache, and this odd feeling here and there or...…………….....………...small update, Miss Ava is almost to her first marking period in first grade and she is doing well and loving every second of it, even the 6:15 A.M. bus pick up she does super well with!!
 May 30, 2019 Chemo treatment #12 THE FINAL CHEMO TREATMENT for mom, THE LAST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN for Ava!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, today was a high excitement day, co-parented with a lot of mixed emotions. I was so super excited to be headed to my last chemo session, but, also torn because today was also Ava's last day of kindergarten, along with her kindergarten graduation ceremony!!Thankfully, she was ok with, and thrilled, to have her big sister Em and cousin Kate attend her ceremony and pick her up. They made her day special with lunch out together and dessert at Sweet Frog too, and Aunt Jess joined them for part of the time also, making it even more special!! I woke up super early a basket case of nerves, I was wound tight knowing it was my last chemo, and so excited for it, yet, I still felt like an emotional mess. Glen, dear man, I think sensed my turmoil, and pulled me close before work and prayed for a good day, and for it to be the last of the last of these appointments forever, it was sweet, and had the calming effect I needed!! I had my own care team, in addition to my medical team today, seeing me through this, cheering me on, my dear Miriam was my chauffer, and my dear Susan met us there, both taking turns sitting with me through the wait on bloodwork, and examination, and infusion. Susan arrived with a beautiful scalloped metal mint colored bucket surrounded with greenery and filled to the max with 72 pink roses!!!!! it was absolutely stunning, and the envy of everyone there, including the staff!! We gave a few away, I should have had my head on straight and handed 1 to each of my care team, though some of the areas have restrictions on fresh flowers, I did give one to Marcy, one of my favoritest nurses, she was having a crappy day after finding out a patient had passed, and I just wanted to hug it all away, these gals are amazing, seeing and dealing with all the ugliness of cancer, day after day, and seeing what it does to their patients, they are still always encouraging and caring and truly want the best for each of us, and let us know that often, I never felt like I was a bother or just another "thing" on their list of stuff to get done to get to the end of the day and a paycheck. Susan's sweet Jack gave her a message for me, he said, tell Nettie, PMA!!! Positive. Mental. Attitude!! :) He's the best, I needed those words of encouragement too, and the coolest water bottle mister fan he picked out for my trip to the beach, to add to the beautiful aqua back pack from his mama!! My bloodwork showed my liver levels a bit elevated and my iron a bit on the anemic side, but neither were at levels that gave them to much concern and the iron wasn't low enough that they required shots again so they were still over all pleased with it. My care team and the office staff was thrilled with the big bag of home made chocolate and oatmeal whoopis I took in for them, a few were like, can I pocket a few for later and my family at home!!?? :) It felt like such a small token for all they have done and been for me, but I was glad to make there day a little bit!! Once my last chemo infusion was done Nurse Stacy came around with a signed by Dr. Lee 8X10 Breast Cancer Treatment Award certificate. I can hardly describe my feeling when she handed that to me with a hug, I felt like I had just earned my college degree or some Olympic medal!!! I mean come on, a 44 year old woman getting teary and loving the feeling of a piece of paper stating you've completed your treatment, but, honestly, besides walking my son through treatment than saying goodbye, I'm pretty sure this was the 2nd hardest thing I've ever done, and to be recognized that you are a champion was pretty powerful and meant the world, especially after so many days of wondering if I would actually make it through!! Ava was thrilled when I got home cause she had received her own certificate from kindergarten graduation and blue ribbon for behavior and kindness. After I was de-accessed from all my IV's and meds I got hugs all around from the infusion care team and some of the sweetest most precious nurses ever, and on my way out I got to ring the celebratory bell, announcing to all that this part of the breast cancer race was over!! It was an awkward, yet elated, yet almost embarrassing, yet glorious feeling ever!! but, I felt so bad feeling so gloriously happy when there was at least 8-10 pairs of eyes looking at me, folks that were still hooked up to meds and in the throws of this nightmare yet, while I was dancing, so over joyed to be done, but, they were all so excited for me and I think it honestly gave them a boost of courage and energy to keep doing the next thing to get passed the hard stuff and on the way to the bell ringer being them!! While we were getting pictures together with my beautiful bouquet of roses out in the office waiting area and saying goodbye and hugging the staff we heard the bell ring loudly again and pretty soon a sweet little black lady came out, all by herself, I said, was that you that just rang the bell?? she smiled and said yes it was!! So I hugged her and said congrats, I'm so happy for you, that's awesome!! she said, I'm so glad it's over, but girl, your blessed, you must be pretty special, you have a team! I said, yes I am very blessed with an awesome support group, she hugged us again and was a bit teary, I shared some of my roses with her and wished her well, but my heart broke as she walked away, it's a hard fight to battle as it is, let alone doing it all alone, it made me so grateful for everyone that has held me up through this whole terrifying roller coaster. After we left the Cancer center we went to Duke's for a celebratory lunch. Susan carried the roses in with us as it was way to hot out to leave them safely in the car, but they were so big they needed a table of their own which then caused heads to run and many to gasp and stop an exclaim at the sheer beauty of them, then ask if something special was going on, and once explained that we were celebrating end of chemo treatment and then catching a glimpse of the bald headed woman they would light up and offer congrats and encouragement. There was a young lady eating by herself and she kept glancing back at us and after awhile a waitress came over and handed me a drink and said this is a gift from the young lady over there!! It was so sweet of her and made me more aware of reaching out and doing random acts of kindness to others when were out and about. When she went to leave, she stopped by the table and offered her congrats and I gave her a rose and wished her well. We left a couple roses on the table for our waitress and then called it a day. I came home flying high yet exhausted, and couldn't believe how weightless I felt, I told one of my people that I must have been more tense and worked up through all this then I thought, cause suddenly the whole earth felt like a new place and everything around me a bit brighter and more amazing.
May 31, 2019 The celebration feeling is still going strong today, I woke up with a lite hearted, it's gonna be a great day type of feeling. Later in the day a gorgeous bouquet arrived  from my parents and a beautiful plant from the church. This evening we went out to Red Robin with Brandon's and my Bro. Mar and his sweet family. And when I walked into the office I got a great surprise, my orchid gifted to me a few years ago on Devin's death anniversary from a dear friend, Andrea Weaver, was blooming so beautifully, it's been forever since it bloomed, made me smile and think surprise celebration blooms from heaven was pretty awesome too!!
June 1, 2019 This afternoon we attended the graduation party of Miriam's Taylor. My dear friend Karen who knows all about getting through this disease also, knitted and gifted me a beautiful prayer shawl, it's special to think of all the prayers she whispered on my behalf as she created it, makes me realize all over where I'd be if not for the prayers of my people, so special.
GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!!!!!!!!!