This Mornings Word.....Right On Time 13 Years Later

It always catches me off guard, even 13 years later......i think it’s because i try an not think of it overly much till then, but then fall hits, and dreary days become more frequent, and all the ugly feels start creeping in and what had been a celebration month 10 years into marriage became one of trauma and goodbyes and aching sadness and suffering and now as October and fall arrives i feel myself becoming someone I don’t like and my family, especially my hubby gets the brunt of my snappiness and grumpy’s, and i know it’s hard for him to cause i can tell in many little areas, and he pours himself into his work overly hard cause that’s his escape and his way of keeping his mind occupied but that doesn’t excuse my uglies.......i used to look forward to, not fall and dreary so much, as celebrating our anniversary, now when October arrives it seems every year the sound of the memories of our day and the feelings become harder to remember and grasp and instead the crushing feeling of suffocating in numbness and pure exhaustion of the fight of an ugly disease and watching your child become helplessly riddled by it and the sounds of labored breathing and last words and i love your and feelings of last hugs and little boy hand squeezes and impish dark eyed grins and sleepy snuggles and touches crowd all else out and even the smells of meds and oxygen and sterile-ness slaps you in the face and all you can focus on is desperately trying convince hubby and conjur up a way to run far and immerse deeply in an adventure in the name of celebrating your marriage and togetherness to try and forget it all and focus on happy and just getting through the next day to hurry back to bed to greet then the next day frustrated and putting in time to try and rush through to the week after, then reboot, lift up your head, breathe deep and sigh, yet another year we got through it......this word from one of my favorite pastors this morning was for me.......today is a new day, a bit dreary still, but a new day.....”i could be in a sour state of mind” (and sadly to often i choose sour) but, after all that, I’m still standing, after all that, God still got me, He’s still faithful.....as the hard anniversary approaches yet again I’m choosing every second to choose trust and say God got me through, He will again........