Litter Box Malfunctions and Meltdowns

it's Sunday morning, hubby took the girls and went to Sunday school, it's peaceful here, tears are still close to the surface after an emotional day yesterday and a hard, painful week. I was ok with the bald head thing,, I thought, though I tried not to stare to hard at myself in the mirror to often, especially lately, as the lil all over fuzz was leaving me and giving me the unappealing look of the raw southbound end of a north bound mangy mutt appearance!! I feel like I should be bigger than this, I have so much to be thankful for in spite of this monstrous disease, I have no bone pain and no nausea, very minimal mouth sores, and so I'm exhausted, I can keep company with my couch, that's doable, but, wow what a week, and oh how very hard it is to keep on being grateful for all that is going right and all the good things that you are being allowed to avoid when there is a place of discomfort and pain that's constantly over riding all else and takes up every thought and ounce of strength.....I was determined to stay strong and courageous and positive through this hard, messy, path I'm on, but, honestly, this week more hard life stuff piled up in the form of a 6 year old with her mamas genetics of bad teeth and resulting in having no permanent teeth coming in under abscessed baby teeth so then needing to get her on antibiotic and scheduling an oral surgeon to remove 5 of them and 2 more to be fixed later and feeling like I'm not a good parent keeping after her brushing/flossing habits, but dr said, no, her hygiene is perfect and her teeth on the surface is gorgeous, but it is genetic and I pray that her genetic issues stop with the teeth!!

and then, breast cancer kicked my butt, literally, and being strong ran really thin and courage was on E and staying positive was all but out of reach, and I took my frustration out on my sweet hubby and the meltdown snuck in from the back and created a surfer sized wipeout resulting in a tsunami of tears. meanwhile my sweet hubby pulled the piano stool in front of my recliner, quietly reached for the lotion and my cracked dried out feet and proceeded to gently rub away the stress and silently cried with me while we listened to DR. Miles Munroe's, The Purpose For Your Life. was a very fitting listen by the way, and God ordained for that moment, we looked him up after listening to, Pastor Jeremy Foster refer to him, and didn't know what he was going to talk on, but, it was what I needed in my tearful state. it is the most beautifully painful, yet humbling thing to watch your soulmate, not knowing how to fix any of this, and having just been snapped at by his mentally unstable wife, administer comfort where he could, and sit and cry quietly with you. he said, you have always been beautiful to me, but you are especially beautiful to me now, in this, and I'm not going anywhere, we will get through this together, it might not be easy or without mess and tears, but, we got each other and God, and we're gonna beat this. OH. MY. HEART!!!!! my eyes wouldn't stop leaking and my heart was in a puddle right there with them!!
I know ya'll are like my daughter and over there rolling your eyes, and like, seriously, mom, no one wants you to go there, no one wants to know these things, like, hello!! well, I'm sorry, not sorry, this is the "pothole," don't analyze that word choice to hard your brain may hurt, I'm dealing with on my path at the moment, so you may as well deal with it with me, at least if it gets some prayer warriors on board for my litter box restoration I'm all in, I mean, this is life, this. is. the good, the bad, the ugly, the triumphs and the plain old umphs. furthermore, at this juncture in the journey there is nothing left of my person that someone hasn't poked, prodded, scanned, viewed, measured, weighed, squeezed or drawn from. trust me, once the medical care team and quite possibly a few unprepared janitors and orderlies got a view of any possible angle of my person one kind of gets to the point of, well then, I guess I now have no secrets so ppssssshhhh, what ya wanna know, just ask, or don't ask, ill probably just go ahead and tell ya anyway, after all, we're way past modest decorum here.
there has been a few times through life I can remember having constipation issues, or litter box back up as I like to call them, sounds less personally invasive or messy to me, I know weird, but then that's me, weird, anyhow, but mostly in life I've had to deal more with certain foods, specially those containing milk products or preservatives speeding up as they were consumed and having to be sure a bathroom was quickly accessible enroute home  and feeling very frustrated that after a great meal and rare date all that we just paid handsomely to eat went right out the door!! it felt literally like I may as well take that 50 dollar bill and actually flush it!! but, after some diet changes and right blend of probiotic etc I got that under control, but the side effects of that over the years and birthing half growed babies has left me dealing with random bouts of hemorrhoids and fissures and after my hysterectomy in May I had a horrendously painful bout of them and with research and trial and error methods finally got them banished and controlled for what I was hoping was forever!! hmmmmm nope, nopety, nope!!!!! with steroids and strong regimen of cancer meds they are back, WITH A VENGENCE!!! and this week was especially rough!! it's a fine balance one needs when on chemo between constipation and diarrhea, they prescribe both the mover and the binder meds at the get go so your prepared for both but don't want you to live in either state. I've been trying my utmost to consume all the berries and fibers and over and above the 64 oz of water, that's a lot of water for someone who is not a water guzzler and leaves one floating pretty much day and night,  and fresh veggies and stay away from all the doughboy products and baked things and bindy up foods but so far about 4 days post treatment the constipation along with the extreme exhaustion hits, and when your exhausted and feeling like a quivery limp noodle and then have to work at emptying the litter box, it leaves one feeling weak and hot, and then, reeling with a fresh round of hemorrhoids, which then causes an overload of other issues, swollen throbbing exits which make any position the body is in excruciating, but especially sitting, and to stand when one already is feeling weak and noodly is limited. there was birthing breathing techniques resurrected and put to use, and verbal pleas to Jesus and tears and then rejoicing and worship in the throne room when finally things pushed through, and thankfulness, that along with those birthing breathing techniques no little one arrived unexpectedly that needed my immediate care. but, in all that great relief you are still left with an aching, throbbing sitter which then required Epsom salt and apple cider vinegar soaks for hours. and then, just when you straighten yourself up and think it may feel like a bit of relief is in sight.....the septic system turns on you, and decides, fine, you want emptied out with no work, I can do that and then switches gears and sends you clenching gut pains and dashing as well as your noodly state can dash, to empty out fire water sluicing through razor bladed pipes leaving one yet again in sweat and tears and quivering exhaustion. the drs don't want you in either state, cause both can lead to a mess of unwanted infections and bottomed out blood counts, but we haven't found the perfect ingredient blend yet of ingredients to balance it all out. so if you think about it in your days and you have an empty prayer request slot and don't mind dealing with crappy things of life, me and my litter box would thank you for your pleas for relief. its daunting to think about getting it all back on track and finally feeling about normal to then be hit with the next treatment to start the process all over again, and I guess that's where everything yesterday started piling up and looking overwhelming and I felt like I couldn't get outta that dark sewer and the meltdown took over. next week with oral dentist for Ava and third chemo treatment looked ginormous!! once the waterworks stopped and the feet were well lotioned and christened with hubby's tears, the dear man snuggled up next to me and listened and then spoke life and courage into me, and helped me remember all the beautiful things that I had to be grateful for and all the amazing people that were behind us cheering us on and praying and supporting. I know there will more than likely be more overwhelming moments and meltdowns thru this season, I also know that I know, my God gets each and every one of them, and that He gets down in them with us, and that was vivid proof in the fact that He gifted me with a man willing to stand by me through the moments that i can't find my way out of on my own. I spent the remainder of the afternoon listening to life giving words from Pastor Carl Lentz and thinking back over the God moments I was given through the week, I got snail mail hugs and love and prayer in a sweet note and woven by hand from a precious friend Jewell in Kentucky,

I rarely get to see and miss dearly, my mom, sister Ang and niece Kate spent Monday, the one day I was feeling good, with me. Tuesday was Ava's dentist consult appointment and Laura was off that day and available to see that we got there and back and when I got home another precious friend, Andrea, who we have been through dark times together, had a gorgeous bouquet delivered

and there was welcomed snail mail encouragement from a dear newer church friend, Katrina and an Ohio cousin Diane, dear girl blessed me with an extremely lovely gift card to a spa, and Rodney and Laura delivered an empty freezer to our garage for our beef so we would have an empty one in the house for freezer meals like we were gifted one night from Glens parents and my other mama, Maryanne Ogburn, dear dear lady came for a morning visit, and another cousin, Lanita,

that recently went thru her own dark days, sent me a goody box complete with a mug with life words. I bundled up my balding pate and took a walk later on with Glen to the end of the lane for the mail........God, was in there!!! I got 3 envelopes of love for just the right moment, I ended up in tears yet again, He cares so much about our every emotion and struggle!! Glen's Aunt Linda sent blessings and love and a bag of tea for stress and relaxation, the 2nd envelope was from my Aunt Barb filled with encouragement prayers and laughter, and the third, all the way from Montana from Sarah, a heart friend I miss dearly, and she sent me a bracelet that she had picked up and sent on it's way to me before she knew I had a verse and on that bracelet......MY VERSE!!!!

because God knew the day I'd be facedown and would need that confirmation, that whisper that He wasn't going anywhere and that along with my hubby He is gonna get me though this!! I put it on and wept again, but tears of peace and okay-ness once again. so as I'm sitting here in my quiet house, doing therapy on my computer and blogging, I look over at my end table and see another hug from my Montana Jo that was delivered by hand when Brandon got in last night, a box of Andes mints and love note on a restaurant receipt and even a lil blurb from her friend Sarah whom I met briefly once or twice, and the tears were rolling again. I know, you can roll your eyes again, but yes, it don't take much, I'm a regular waterworks, always have been but has gotten worse over the years, I'm passed apologizing for it, it's me, it's how my person operates, I have no say in when it turns on so I've become used to just riding the wave. I turned my playlist on for awhile and worshipped by myself and it felt cleansing and like a salve for my aching heart, then resumed my therapy only to be interrupted by the dog going nuts, so I laid aside my computer to investigate and was pleasantly surprised to find  a dear friend Trudy who I haven't seen in to long, at my door with hugs and shared tears, words of life and encouragement and the most gorgeous lovingly handmade shirt

and other comfort goodies for my body and soul. after we chatted a bit then she left I felt like in spite of not leaving my house, I was truly surrounded by church this week. I was reminded so vividly in each of these God moments and thru each one that shone light into my hard week that this is church, this is worship, this is the body of Christ, its not always found in a building and maybe even found more so in the reaching in from all corners of the earth to a common need or bond, a community unlike what we would think of as community, at any rate I am beyond thankful for every part of this church and it's contribution of worship in my hard week and I feel again at peace and ready to take on treatment number 3 this week in spite of the possibility of another litter box malfunction, and I pray through all this I can become more ready to look for sunshine and grateful moments in the stormy days and ready to worship in the middle of the pain and instead of letting the pain consume and pull me under I would look up daily and reach out and be a tiny light to someone else who might be feeling flushed under in life!! well, I'm pooped!! ;) until next time........GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!!!