Happy 18th Birthday Devin!!

February 3, 2019 18 years ago today, a 9# ball of squishy purple boy was born to us!! He was a fighter from the get go, with the cord wrapped around his neck 3 times, hence the purple!! Much to my shame after all that work and finally getting a squawk from him, i looked at my hubby and mumbled, he’s kind of ugly, to which he vehemently replied, he absolutely is not, don’t ever say that. Well needless to say once he got his blood flowing properly and pinked up like a new born without should under normal delivery he was an absolutely gorgeous baby full of squish and eat em up rolls!! This precious child’s life ended at 5.5 years old due to being saddled with the ugly disease of cancer. His cure rate was 85%, great cure rate, but, God the author of everyone of our lives was holding the pencil, like He does for us all and when the authors done writing and our stories over, thats it. Devin’s story climaxed at 5.5 years old, and I’ve cried out, why, why only 5.5 years, what’s the point??

Going into my own cancer path now, i know for one thing, even his short 5.5 years he taught me much!! He was the strongest, bravest little guy i knew and faced most if not all his medical horrors with a smile, sparkling eyes and mischief. No, it wasn’t without tears or bad days and sad days, but he was great at rolling with the next thing that needed to be done and acceptance of what this disease threw at him. He had grins and giggles for every nurse and his little faith was strong!! I can still hear him in his sleepy voice sayin, mom, hold me and sing or will you pray?? Now i’m The one facing the cancer beast, and I’ve thought how i wish i could ask him to hold me and pray, or tell me what made it feel best or gave him peace through it all. One thing i do know that he left behind for me is his testimony of strength and joy in spite of what he was going through, in spite of the hard and ugly. When i think about his beautiful brown eyes full of horror and questions as he took a mouthful of dinner and hair slid off his head and down to his plate, i had to tell him that yes his hair is falling out but it’ll be ok, when this is done it’ll come back and you will be adorable even though you have no hair. We assured him over an over he was still the same snuggly boy of ours, and then that was the end of it, and when his little friend Taylor asked him about it he says, yea its ok, it just popped off but it’ll come back again then he just beamed. Cancer and treatment meds does all kinds of weird stuff to ones body, but i want to embrace my path with the strength and okayness that my 5 year old did. I wanna go to my appointments with joy and shine Jesus in spite of the hard disgusting cancer thats riding along with me. My hair, everywhere is leaving me, ill soon be all around as smooth as the day i made my grand entrance into this cold world that January day 44 years ago, but every time i look in the mirror i hear myself telling my 5 year old that the baldness doesn’t change who he is or how beautiful he will always be with or without hair and i wonder why i can so purely believe those words for him but not for myself, and i see his trusting eyes accepting and owning those words and moving on and not thinking otherwise, and i am determined to learn the strength and embrace that same kind of courage and joy through all this that he did. The nurses have said he left a mark with them, he was funny and kind with sparkly eyes and his giant smile, and i know if my 5 year old could do hard stuff no kiddo should ever have to do, i as an adult with God on my side absolutely can too!! I don’t know why we have to walk this, but i am committed to shining a light and smiling even tho, there maybe one lonely soul that needs a smile that day, or maybe one of my care team that needs encouragement, I don’t want this to be something ugly i got dealt and just get through it, to get to the other side and on my way.
Ok......still trying to catch up here, but, it's ok, it'll get done at some point, am just slowly working my way up to current events, I find I have great goals but my energy doesn't quite match and a nap usually wins!!
January 14, 2019 I am so very thankful that one of my precious tribe literally lives around the corner and over a bump from me, I don't like to take advantage of my circle but today was really rough. every facet of my being hurt and I couldn't stay warm and the sleep tank wasn't refilling to fast. Miranda so very graciously jumped when I messaged her and asked if she could see that Emily got to work, and then, being the gem she is, she not only provided supper for this eve, but also for most of the week!! To be so loved and cared for is humbling yet so beautiful, and makes me more determined than ever to be that to the next person when I get my health back!! My mailbox was full of love today as well, my dear aunt Rachel from Ohio sent in Dunkin Donuts gift card and a letter, I may be old fashioned but holding a letter she took the time to pen is awesome, feels a bit more like their sitting right next to you chatting, and she knows my language in comfort drink and munchies!! also got a card from a dear lady from church that has already walked this path and is strong beautiful survivor, Lucy's  words and support bless and inspire me over and over. I was sad to have missed my precious God Daughter Glorianna stopping by with flowers and heart food of fresh macarons!! I was curled in a ball in my bed, but was so very special, I don't live along the beaten path by any means so it was super special to crawl downstairs later and find all that love waiting for me!!

January 15, 2019 Today I was feeling a bit weak kneed but otherwise much, much better. My Miriam saw that Ava and I got to the shop to pick up my car from it's service appointment then from there Ava had a flu shot appointment we took care of. she did very well with it, no tears or drama and we were soon on our way again.

January 16, 2019 today, Roseanna, another long time friend that has seen us though some bone weary traumatic times chauffeured me to Mechanicsburg for my EKG and Internal Ultrasound appointment. guess I had brain overload on all the appointments and times cause we showed up an hour and a half earlier than we needed, but we redeemed the time with a delicious Chinese lunch together!! the EKG is  standard procedure they do before any cancer treatment to determine the strength and vitality of the heart and to monitor as they go along to observe and have a base line to go by in watching for any damage from treatments. the Internal Ultrasound was for a spot they feel sure was an Ovarian Cyst that they picked up on the earlier cat scan but wanted to rule out any other tumors along with another small hemorrhagic cyst they found, when I confirmed my history of years worth of ovarian cysts and severe endometriosis they said they were even more confident that's all it is and wouldn't need a biopsy but would wait for final ultrasound results. and I forgot to get any pics, you'd think I could remember at least that, I'm not a huge selfie person but for my own remembrance and documenting this path I was determined to do more of it. My beautiful sister in law Rosene was at the house to get Ava off the bus and see that Em got to work when we arrived home, so I jumped in her truck and we took Em to work than got our groceries. Ava and Isabella are always beyond thrilled to get a few moments together and watching them is pure joy and entertainment!!

 well am gonna end this post and hopefully do another one later today........#GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!!