To All The Curls I've Loved Before.....(Embracing The Bald)

Cancer, cancer side effects, chemo treatment, chemo side effects, so many things this journey entails that one doesn't always dwell on, or allow themselves to dwell on until the reality hits home and it's forced to be acknowledged. Well, not that I doubted them, but, there was that tiny thought of maybe it won't happen for me, but, my Dr. and Nurse were very adamant that I would indeed lose every bit of hair, starting as soon as the first treatment was in, they are in fact right, it started to say goodbye and thin out within a week of the first dose. In talking to them at length about this whole process, they gave many tips and ideas of how to cope and handle all the changes on top of just accepting and processing the fact that we even have to be having this conversation and dealing with this trauma of cancer. I joined a support group for TNBC (triple negative breast cancer), I hesitated to join, it seemed to join would make everything so glaringly real, and did I want to hear and see what I could be in for or what others were dealing with, would it feel extra heavy and overwhelming??!! Would it be helpful, or depressing?? Some of the advice my care team shared with us when discussing the effects of losing my hair was how to make it a part of the treatment that we can control, and how to make it a positive part of all that's going on and not that it's something to be celebrated but not let it become a huge morbid depressing negative in all this. They gave me different ideas from others who've been here and what they found to be helpful and how they coped and they encouraged me to find a support group and ask for what worked for others and talk to my husband and friends. they encouraged me to be sure and do what we feel we need to do, what we felt was in the best emotional, mental and physical interest of my diagnosis and well being at the time, that this is a very personal decision and though advice and tips and encouragement is key, in the end only what I want and feel needs to be done is important, no one else can make that call and there will be those with their opinions and possibly even criticism in whatever you decide but that in the end it's not them that are having to face this at this time. in asking for advice from my support group on what others did and how they handled this etc. one of the things that kept coming through loud and clear and also my care team had eluded to was the fact that when it starts coming out if there's any length or thickness it creates a mess everywhere, that along with the fact that there is also a lot of scalp tenderness and pain and even more so the more hair you have. wow, a lot to process and take in yet again. I talked it over with my hubby, what is the best route, how do I know, what do we decide, His answer was, you have to know what you want and feel needs done and you also need to know I am behind you one hundred percent on whatever that decision is. we prayed about it, talked about it, did some research and discussed it some more with my tribe and support group. I am the kind of person that when I know something is going to be a certain way I process then am like well it is what it is so let's just do what needs to be done and move on. I already had come to terms for the most part that I would lose my hair and had come to peace that in the grand scheme of things, even though it's not a great thing to deal with, it's also one of the less painful or permanent things in all this and only for a season, so once in my mind I had processed all the options, and came to peace about how to deal with, what do we do about the hair leaving me stage, then I was ok, and ready to move to the next phase of this messy decision. I told Glen one evening what was on my mind, and how I thought I'd like to get through this, and wanted his input on what he feels, I told him I just want to get rid of it all and be past the falling out little by little mess, and move on, and I want to be in the company of my sisterhood tribe, those that have been right by my side from the very first tear, and it be a girl night, unless he would feel like he wishes he could be here too. He said, I think if that's what you're leaning towards then that's what you need to do, I am behind you all the way and want you to be surrounded by love and support and it be a positive and encouraging time in the middle of the ugly. with the affirmation that Glen was behind me and having peace that this was my next step, along with being so done in sleeping and breathing in my own hair, and the fact that, indeed, the scalp pain and tenderness was a for real thing, I put out a casual invite to a few of my tribe and family that I was not going to let my hair leaving me become a depression thing and I also wasn't wanting to let it be something I face alone, so I said, here is the invite, the plan, it's not a party, cause it's not a celebration, but, it's a get together to face an ugly moment head on with positive and encouragement and beauty in the pain and ashes. my tribe was so on board and supportive and full of encouragement and helping in the details, I said I want it to be a relaxed evening in spite of the whole situation. I sent out an invite that read....TO ALL THE CURLS I'VE LOVED BEFORE (embracing the bald) Thursday January 24, 2019 4PM or soon as it suits you at my place. Miriam volunteered to bring pizza, Miranda volunteered to bring a salad and Beth volunteered to do fresh fruit, Paula volunteered to bring chips and drink, Laura made amazing iced coffee and I had tiny girly desserts, macrons and cheesecake bites, tiny heart sugar cookies and mini brownies. I didn't really have much of a plan as to how this was all going to go or the general scene of the evening, I just knew I needed my persons with me and my hair was gonna go altogether that eve, that this was the next step forward to the end of this cancer, but last minute I messaged Laura and asked if maybe she'd be willing to have a hands on prayer moment before we start, was feeling like I needed courage for the long haul and to remain in a place of peace and not get into a dark place of depression with the overwhelming-ness of it all, and energy and strength for my family. She readily agreed to be my person for that and assured me that it was not only her honor to do that but what better way to start the evening than surrounded by my support team and giving it all to the one that cares about every detail. So the evening arrived, my niece Kate and Sister in law Rosene arrived with gifts of fun hats and other comfy's, Susan brought gorgeous roses and Miranda brought a bright happy bouquet too and everyone just hung out and chatted and there was an air of peace and serenity, a feeling of this may be ugly but what we have here as a group/sisterhood/tribe is beautiful and we're all in this together. when everyone was here and we had mingled awhile and chatted we got started, I got my new pretty aqua office chair wheeled out to the dining room, then Laura began with a worship song that was absolutely beautiful and so fitting, it was a new one to me and I soaked it in and loved the truth and life spoke in every line, after the song she asked for whoever would want, to join her in laying hands and praying, it. was. so. beautiful. God......was so close, you could feel Jesus in the room, bringing us all together, shining light in the center of all the trauma of this situation, you could feel peace in spite of all that this disease wanted to rob of us. after prayer and many tears, I sat upon my office chair throne and asked that my hair be braided in tails and the tails be saved, I don't really know why, I just wanted them, maybe for my kids, maybe for me, maybe cause a few of my people said, please send one to me, we want to keep one, I don't know, but the braiding began and then the cutting and it was all kind of surreal, I felt so surrounded by love and support and it all felt so beautiful tho achingly hard and I was at peace, so very peaceful the whole time, and overwhelmed that my persons would so willingly stand by me and love me through this in spite of the hard and ugly and seeing how difficult it was for them to accept and yet they wouldn't have chosen to be anywhere else is priceless and so very precious. once all the hair was gone, Paula ran a razor over my head, amazing how much wind is around the top of ones head that you don't think about when it's fully haired! I had researched some stuff when trying to come to a decision on all this and I decided rather than have my head glaringly bald from the get go I wanted to put something meaningful and pretty there, so decided on a henna design, I found 2 I loved and mashed them together with my verse, GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL and another verse, HE CALLS HER BEAUTIFUL ONE. Beth told me the girl she used to babysit does that kind of artwork so I got in contact with her and after the hair was gone she arrived with her mama and did an amazing job of cutting the glare on my head and making it feel beautiful. Jonaki is a beautiful young gal of 13 and has an incredible talent, and such a lovely spirit, she did her gift on my head in quiet, steady confidence. somewhere along the evening my men got home from work and snuck in the upstairs attic way for showers, my hubby, a man that is not a public displayer of affection and usually would hide away at a get together like this, joined us all, I didn't know he even had gotten home, but he came down to the kitchen, found me in the dining room and with tears, kissed me and told me I'm beautiful and he loves me!! OH! MY! HEART!! in the back of my mind without me really realizing it, was that fear hanging around that what if he cant stand to look at me or what if I gross him out.....his words and actions took that fear away. he stayed and joined in with pizza and hanging out and chit chatting, the support he found their for me and for himself was beautiful. after the evening was over, we all kind of crashed, in a good way and talked about it all and basked in the beauty of peace and friendships and support and life words and the blessing of being gifted and surrounded by unconditional, unselfish love and support. I went to bed very grateful that these hard, hard ugly life moments didn't have to be walked alone and for an evening of more adjustments being filled with Jesus and peace!! my prayer would be that no one else would ever have to face this ugly disease, but, if you should, I wish you a room full of ladies that are there to stand by you unconditionally through the good, bad, ugly, the laughter and the tears, that when the way the mountain looks insurmountable, you have a strong love filled tribe that comes alongside and reaches for your hand and guides you on the next step up and over that mountain!!  GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FAIL!!

this song was the worship song Laura played before prayer....I think I'm missing some pics too, but I cant find them, am thinking some must not have downloaded right for me, but this is a collage of what those there sent me.......