I'm a red head!! well, actually, right now I'm a glaringly bald head ;) but, seriously, I'm a complete ginger through and through, from the glow in the dark skin, to a paper cut will bleed for hours to every penny colored freckle, ginger is my DNA!! so, that being said, as most gingers will tell you, we react a lot of times in the opposite ways, or in really funky ways to stuff than non gingered humans. At the start of treatment I was told by my care team that how I react to my first treatment and the side effects i experience with it should be the worst of the 4 really intense treatments I have, the next 3 may be unpleasant and even overwhelming but the first would be the worst. ummm, well, nope, the first was the easiest actually, and I was like, ok, if this is the worst, then I think i'll be ok, and as long and overwhelming this path looks, I think we'll be able to get through this without to much frustration. I get my treatment bi-weekly on a Thursday and about three and a half to four days post treatment the couch claims my person for 3 and a half to 4 days then I have about 4-5 days where im starting to feel almost normal and wanting to think about tearing into life then i'm smacked up against the next treatment and the whole process repeats itself.
Last week, after my 3rd treatment, life was brutal, it took all my energy to get from the couch to the bathroom, my whole body felt like a quivery, half set bowl of jello, the couch wasn't comfortable, yet neither was anyplace else. my feet felt cold as the north pole, while my head temps were hangin out somewhere around the equator, it was a constant battle of putting blankies on and frantically digging out from under them to grab fresh air, I have this stack of amazing head wear in all colors, sizes, shapes and styles, yet most time to wear anything drives me mad and to leave anything on for any length of time i'm fairly certain said head wear would disintegrate into smoldering ash!! Then the septic system wanted to throw a fit again, thankfully that, I was able to get managed before it went outta control like the other time. the exhaustion, I don't, and have never done well with lack of sleep, but the feeling of extreme tired, yet, laying in bed wide awake is a pain, a mental/emotional pain, indescribably all it's own, and the yawning wouldn't stop, one on top the other, which then sets the tears on steady drip cycle. I've had these experiences on a smaller scale over the years, me being a ginger and all, where even cold meds will make me feel like I am crawling outside of my body and the yawning and tears are voluntary, with no reason, and almost unstoppable until I get sleep or the meds run their course. so I've learnt to just not take the Comtrex or Nyquil or...…..but, this, these meds, I cant just run away from right now, this, this. is. what. cantankerous Blanche needs right now, so we feebly power through, though feebly is more accurate of last weeks activities, and power felt rather non existent. I was determined to just sit and be and get my writing up to date and just take each day slowly and carefully and save my energy for the evening when my family was all home and together, but, even slow and careful kicked my behind, and by the time dinner was finished I was done, and I couldn't get to bed fast enough, only to fall asleep for 45 minutes then be wide awake, the more I tried to lay still and not disturb hubby, the more twitchy I felt and nothing was comfortable. there was a constant heart beat in the back of my head and neck, I couldn't get enough water yet it tasted thick and slightly slimy which then made drinking feel choky, yet the 64 ounces or more I was to be drinking per day kept looming over my head, knowing that in doing so would also help flush out the toxins from meds which I relished the thought of, knowing then maybe I wouldn't feel so horrific, yet on top of all that, the thought of drinking more meant more bathroom runs and that made me tired just thinking about it. my legs, especially when showering, felt like they were wrapped in long flapping hairs, or like I was standing in ocean waves with sea weed wrapping and unwrapping, around them, the bottoms of my feet are shredded, skin dried, cracked and just peely nastiness, this question, as I minced my way on tip toe to the kitchen, was asked by my 16 yr old daughter...mom, why the weird walk?? ummm, cause to walk normal feels like my heels are gonna split open down the middle, so it's easier to just not.... why are my fingernails feeling like they are lifting off their beds and wanting to leave, yet they are tight and look normal, but even typing causes them to ache, another reason why my catching up on my writing didn't come to fruition, I cut them all short cause just a bump creates discomfort. the thought of, about the time I crawl out of this miserableness and start feeling better the next treatment will be here and we'll start this process all over again was overwhelming, and for a period, almost did me in, and I thought about throwing in the treatment towel, I don't have what it takes, i'm not strong or brave. this. is. insurmountable!! i'd lay on the couch or in my bed or while in the bathroom, or in the shower, and try and pray, but couldn't get the energy or the mental fortitude to get passed, Jesus, help me, so I just put that on repeat. while trying desperately to get my mind out of the dark and keep positive. I picked up my 100 Days To Brave devotional, and I finally managed to read, after starting over various times in between drifting off, believe you are never alone, even when you feel you are, know you are never alone, because, Immanuel......God with us.....even when we feel like we are, we never are, He will never leave our side. I laid there and just breathed, Immanuel, every time the dark started to crowd in. peace!! still feeling like a quivery blob, but peace.....finally got enough energy to pick up my phone, needing in spite of the peace to send out an S.O.S. to some of my prayer warriors, this week is rough, im not sure im ready to think of going through another treatment, I cant do this alone, please pray me over this mountain...…..Immanuel...…..as i'm typing out my rescue plea, and hitting send, I received a text from a dear family friend, Jenny in South Carolina, a message from Marita, in Montana whom I've met briefly just twice or so, both saying, wanted to let you know, you have been on my mind and prayers so much today, how are you, and know we are praying and caring and loving.....paraphrasing that a bit, can't recall word for word, but, neither one of these dear hearts were on my S.O.S. list, neither one of these dear hearts knew my battle weary week, they didn't know, but, they know Jesus, they heard Him whisper and they acted......but, Jesus, help me.....He hears our every simple plea...….Immanuel, God With Us...….I love when He shows How much He cares about us through our support group, our community of loved ones, His church, from all over the world, how He hears our plea and passes it on to others in that little heart nudge, or whisper, and they feel and hear and obey, and reach out and say, I felt you in my heart and mind and prayer, and I need you to know i'm walking with you even from half way around our world. my dear cousin Jenn stopped by on Thursday, the first day of finally feeling like I was gonna be ok, and could maybe entertain the thought of making it through another treatment, and in telling her of my week, I said, I know my God can take away any side effects and help me get through this next round without any down time and frustration, but I battle feeling like, hello, you went into knowing this goes along with it, so why would you think you could escape the ugly days, I feel like im being self centered asking that for me. she was so encouraging and said she read somewhere, something along the lines of this....if it's not something that is wrong, then it's not wrong to ask God about!! later on that day, after I dropped Em at work the guy on the radio, was talking about a similar thing, and said, we need to stop minimizing our battles, and comparing with others and saying, well, but this persons going through this that's so much worse or bigger or intense, so I shouldn't even think about how hard my struggle is or even bother anyone, let alone God with it cause, well...….he said, NO!! just because our battles are different, doesn't discredit the fact that are still very real to us, and it doesn't take away the fact that God truly desires to hear from us about every single one, the battle being different, or appearing more or less than another's, doesn't make us or ours insignificant to God. it was one of those, this is something I know, have known, but needed that reassurance, that calming confirmation, that I am never alone in this, and God wants me to bring everything, no matter the scale of it, to Him, and sometimes He's just waiting to give us what we desire and celebrate a victory with us, but, is just wanting us to have a conversation with Him about it! it was also a glaring reminder how quickly the enemy can steal our joy and get us all kinds of doubtful and entwined in ourselves and our own madness of thought and insecurity!! So while I started this post yesterday, I was typing along and I get a message outs the blue from my Montana Jo with a quote, saying, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. NOT NOW. NOT EVER. DO NOT GIVE UP! and a reminder she is praying for me. an amazon package also arrived in the mail from an unknown dear soul, containing a beautiful pair of bright happy orange socks that say, I AM BRAVE across the toes and BRAVE on the bottom. my dear mama called and said, I made a big batch of fresh seafood chowder, im gonna bring some over for ya'll if your home, my cousin Jenn stopped by for a visit and snuggles with my lil boyfriend from around the corner and another neighbor, Pam, from around the other corner dropped of a supper dish. a giant treasure chest of care products and love came from my Lael, saying, I need to tell you, I care, and love and pray for you and know you are strong! there was snail mail from my over the mountain bestie and another from some dear friend of a friend ive never met, all reiterating the fact that i'm not alone, and i'm being carried, and as hard as this is, I will make it through, and when I feel I can't, they were all buoying me up, standing in battle for me, this, this is my faithful God, my Jesus with skin on!! tomorrow is treatment day # 4, the last of the seriously intense treatment, i'm ok, am ready to get this done, whatever the next 2 weeks holds, until the next regimen starts, it may be hard and ugly and messy, but, I know that I know, Immanuel.....GOD WITH US!!! and I know that I know, if all I can squeak out is, Jesus, help me, that, that is enough!! and I know that I know, He has a plethora of His heart sister, His church, His kiddos and faithfuls all over this beautiful wide world walking alongside and that is beautifully precious!!
until next time, be blessed.....GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!!!! posting a song from my playlist, I decided when I started, I was just going to start with the top and work my way down, (with the exception of the 2 songs I shared on the, embracing the bald day) so, wow, todays song...……we can hear Jesus, everywhere, if we but listen, we can Jesus in everything, if we but open our eyes, we can feel His love for us in all, if we but open our hearts.....this song, His heart beat for me through this post, His Red Letter to me today.....
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