Ring That Bell

So I debated doing away with any more posts documenting my breast cancer craziness cause I lost count of how many times this post was journaled then disappeared on me, quite frustrating and heats ones temper up pretty quickly after you go to all that work and take the time to sit down and put it all into words, not sure if it's my internet service, (great possibility) or the program I use or the devil saying no one needs to hear anything you have to say and your God surely don't need anymore credit or...….but....after someone wondered if I'm going to finish my story, and me needing to document for my own remembering and giving thanks for what I've come through I decided to keep posting even if it's weeks or months since the posts events, so here I am, back, and ready to try this again. I made a "my space" in our bedroom. A place where I can open my lap top and grab a few minutes here and there, of quiet and peace, through out the day, and write a line or two, or a place to meditate and pray, to reboot. It was hubby's suggestion, really, I was fretting to him one day after he enquired to my well being, that I NEED to write, I said it's been weeks and there's all this stuff going through my head and updates I'd like to document, but I just feel all this "other stuff" responsibilities, looking at me that needs my attention, or if I just go ahead and sit down to take some time, there's a 6 year old that has "important" stories, and needs mom time, and I can't hate her for that, God knows she's had to take the back burner more often than not through all this, and, well, just general life interruptions. Anyway, his suggestion was to make a place in our bedroom, in the little offset sitting area on the front side, or so it was created to be at some point, in the almost 8 years we've lived here it's mostly been a catch all/storage/baby room, anyway, he suggested putting something together in that area, where, I could get away and shut the door a bit here and there, I love that he recognized my need for some sanity saving time, or maybe it was the rest of the households sanity he was thinking of saving, yikes!! either way, I have been "creating" my space there, and having fun designing it and choosing a few pieces of furniture and some pops of color and it's been so fun to be doing something fresh and exciting that doesn't require an overload of info and brain frying with appointments and more meds and needles etc. but kind of feels like I'm a normal human being, so anyway, it's a work in progress.
The next paragraph gives you a little idea how long ago I started this post, after having it disappear to many times to count...…
Cannot believe as I'm writing this, that Miss Ava is already on the count down to starting back to school into first grade!! 19 more days, she's over the moon excited to be going back and to see her friends!! me, not so much!! makes me want to sit down and sob buckets, actually!! literally feel like I've missed out on an entire summer with her, with my family in general, and just slept and medicated and ran to appointments, and now here it is, time to be back in school again. But, am also thankful, as I write this, that I am on the countdown to the end of this cancer mess!! Can almost not grasp the reality of that, feels a bit surreal, also feels a bit terrifying, like, how am I gonna be able to function on my own with out my network of safety in my medical team, and, what if I miss something, or, what about this twinge, and that ache, and this odd feeling here and there or...…………….....………...small update, Miss Ava is almost to her first marking period in first grade and she is doing well and loving every second of it, even the 6:15 A.M. bus pick up she does super well with!!
 May 30, 2019 Chemo treatment #12 THE FINAL CHEMO TREATMENT for mom, THE LAST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN for Ava!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, today was a high excitement day, co-parented with a lot of mixed emotions. I was so super excited to be headed to my last chemo session, but, also torn because today was also Ava's last day of kindergarten, along with her kindergarten graduation ceremony!!Thankfully, she was ok with, and thrilled, to have her big sister Em and cousin Kate attend her ceremony and pick her up. They made her day special with lunch out together and dessert at Sweet Frog too, and Aunt Jess joined them for part of the time also, making it even more special!! I woke up super early a basket case of nerves, I was wound tight knowing it was my last chemo, and so excited for it, yet, I still felt like an emotional mess. Glen, dear man, I think sensed my turmoil, and pulled me close before work and prayed for a good day, and for it to be the last of the last of these appointments forever, it was sweet, and had the calming effect I needed!! I had my own care team, in addition to my medical team today, seeing me through this, cheering me on, my dear Miriam was my chauffer, and my dear Susan met us there, both taking turns sitting with me through the wait on bloodwork, and examination, and infusion. Susan arrived with a beautiful scalloped metal mint colored bucket surrounded with greenery and filled to the max with 72 pink roses!!!!! it was absolutely stunning, and the envy of everyone there, including the staff!! We gave a few away, I should have had my head on straight and handed 1 to each of my care team, though some of the areas have restrictions on fresh flowers, I did give one to Marcy, one of my favoritest nurses, she was having a crappy day after finding out a patient had passed, and I just wanted to hug it all away, these gals are amazing, seeing and dealing with all the ugliness of cancer, day after day, and seeing what it does to their patients, they are still always encouraging and caring and truly want the best for each of us, and let us know that often, I never felt like I was a bother or just another "thing" on their list of stuff to get done to get to the end of the day and a paycheck. Susan's sweet Jack gave her a message for me, he said, tell Nettie, PMA!!! Positive. Mental. Attitude!! :) He's the best, I needed those words of encouragement too, and the coolest water bottle mister fan he picked out for my trip to the beach, to add to the beautiful aqua back pack from his mama!! My bloodwork showed my liver levels a bit elevated and my iron a bit on the anemic side, but neither were at levels that gave them to much concern and the iron wasn't low enough that they required shots again so they were still over all pleased with it. My care team and the office staff was thrilled with the big bag of home made chocolate and oatmeal whoopis I took in for them, a few were like, can I pocket a few for later and my family at home!!?? :) It felt like such a small token for all they have done and been for me, but I was glad to make there day a little bit!! Once my last chemo infusion was done Nurse Stacy came around with a signed by Dr. Lee 8X10 Breast Cancer Treatment Award certificate. I can hardly describe my feeling when she handed that to me with a hug, I felt like I had just earned my college degree or some Olympic medal!!! I mean come on, a 44 year old woman getting teary and loving the feeling of a piece of paper stating you've completed your treatment, but, honestly, besides walking my son through treatment than saying goodbye, I'm pretty sure this was the 2nd hardest thing I've ever done, and to be recognized that you are a champion was pretty powerful and meant the world, especially after so many days of wondering if I would actually make it through!! Ava was thrilled when I got home cause she had received her own certificate from kindergarten graduation and blue ribbon for behavior and kindness. After I was de-accessed from all my IV's and meds I got hugs all around from the infusion care team and some of the sweetest most precious nurses ever, and on my way out I got to ring the celebratory bell, announcing to all that this part of the breast cancer race was over!! It was an awkward, yet elated, yet almost embarrassing, yet glorious feeling ever!! but, I felt so bad feeling so gloriously happy when there was at least 8-10 pairs of eyes looking at me, folks that were still hooked up to meds and in the throws of this nightmare yet, while I was dancing, so over joyed to be done, but, they were all so excited for me and I think it honestly gave them a boost of courage and energy to keep doing the next thing to get passed the hard stuff and on the way to the bell ringer being them!! While we were getting pictures together with my beautiful bouquet of roses out in the office waiting area and saying goodbye and hugging the staff we heard the bell ring loudly again and pretty soon a sweet little black lady came out, all by herself, I said, was that you that just rang the bell?? she smiled and said yes it was!! So I hugged her and said congrats, I'm so happy for you, that's awesome!! she said, I'm so glad it's over, but girl, your blessed, you must be pretty special, you have a team! I said, yes I am very blessed with an awesome support group, she hugged us again and was a bit teary, I shared some of my roses with her and wished her well, but my heart broke as she walked away, it's a hard fight to battle as it is, let alone doing it all alone, it made me so grateful for everyone that has held me up through this whole terrifying roller coaster. After we left the Cancer center we went to Duke's for a celebratory lunch. Susan carried the roses in with us as it was way to hot out to leave them safely in the car, but they were so big they needed a table of their own which then caused heads to run and many to gasp and stop an exclaim at the sheer beauty of them, then ask if something special was going on, and once explained that we were celebrating end of chemo treatment and then catching a glimpse of the bald headed woman they would light up and offer congrats and encouragement. There was a young lady eating by herself and she kept glancing back at us and after awhile a waitress came over and handed me a drink and said this is a gift from the young lady over there!! It was so sweet of her and made me more aware of reaching out and doing random acts of kindness to others when were out and about. When she went to leave, she stopped by the table and offered her congrats and I gave her a rose and wished her well. We left a couple roses on the table for our waitress and then called it a day. I came home flying high yet exhausted, and couldn't believe how weightless I felt, I told one of my people that I must have been more tense and worked up through all this then I thought, cause suddenly the whole earth felt like a new place and everything around me a bit brighter and more amazing.
May 31, 2019 The celebration feeling is still going strong today, I woke up with a lite hearted, it's gonna be a great day type of feeling. Later in the day a gorgeous bouquet arrived  from my parents and a beautiful plant from the church. This evening we went out to Red Robin with Brandon's and my Bro. Mar and his sweet family. And when I walked into the office I got a great surprise, my orchid gifted to me a few years ago on Devin's death anniversary from a dear friend, Andrea Weaver, was blooming so beautifully, it's been forever since it bloomed, made me smile and think surprise celebration blooms from heaven was pretty awesome too!!
June 1, 2019 This afternoon we attended the graduation party of Miriam's Taylor. My dear friend Karen who knows all about getting through this disease also, knitted and gifted me a beautiful prayer shawl, it's special to think of all the prayers she whispered on my behalf as she created it, makes me realize all over where I'd be if not for the prayers of my people, so special.
GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!!!!!!!!!

This Mornings Word.....Right On Time 13 Years Later

It always catches me off guard, even 13 years later......i think it’s because i try an not think of it overly much till then, but then fall hits, and dreary days become more frequent, and all the ugly feels start creeping in and what had been a celebration month 10 years into marriage became one of trauma and goodbyes and aching sadness and suffering and now as October and fall arrives i feel myself becoming someone I don’t like and my family, especially my hubby gets the brunt of my snappiness and grumpy’s, and i know it’s hard for him to cause i can tell in many little areas, and he pours himself into his work overly hard cause that’s his escape and his way of keeping his mind occupied but that doesn’t excuse my uglies.......i used to look forward to, not fall and dreary so much, as celebrating our anniversary, now when October arrives it seems every year the sound of the memories of our day and the feelings become harder to remember and grasp and instead the crushing feeling of suffocating in numbness and pure exhaustion of the fight of an ugly disease and watching your child become helplessly riddled by it and the sounds of labored breathing and last words and i love your and feelings of last hugs and little boy hand squeezes and impish dark eyed grins and sleepy snuggles and touches crowd all else out and even the smells of meds and oxygen and sterile-ness slaps you in the face and all you can focus on is desperately trying convince hubby and conjur up a way to run far and immerse deeply in an adventure in the name of celebrating your marriage and togetherness to try and forget it all and focus on happy and just getting through the next day to hurry back to bed to greet then the next day frustrated and putting in time to try and rush through to the week after, then reboot, lift up your head, breathe deep and sigh, yet another year we got through it......this word from one of my favorite pastors this morning was for me.......today is a new day, a bit dreary still, but a new day.....”i could be in a sour state of mind” (and sadly to often i choose sour) but, after all that, I’m still standing, after all that, God still got me, He’s still faithful.....as the hard anniversary approaches yet again I’m choosing every second to choose trust and say God got me through, He will again........

But....For God.....

October 2...…….thirteen years ago today I was sitting in a stale waiting room on a cold square pathetically uncomfortable vinyl chair, my arms wrapped around the bone weary and thin diseased body of my 5 year old Devin, holding him, snuggling him, trying to stay positive and hopeful and keep smiling and not give into the terror of what could be, or maybe already was, as we waited for yet another radiation treatment for the cancer that returned with a vengeance. Devin was weak and aching, yet, resigned to do the next step, but, didn't move far from my lap if he could at all help it!! My mama was with me for the day, being a moral support for me and a distraction for Devin. As we waited for our turn to be called back to the radiation unit, we noticed that security around the area inside and out, tightened up and there was a sympathetic and saddened, yet, urgent look on emergency personnel and nurses faces as they rushed to the back outside entrances where ambulances were silently pulling in, and the eerie sound of medical choppers were landing. As we all sat silently breathing prayers for whoever was involved in whatever trauma was going on and our hearts going out to whoever's day wasn't turning out as they'd hoped we started noticing medical people ushering in Amish folk with dazed and numb expressions, and glancing outside there was more gathering and milling on the side walks, with security and law enforcement officers standing far enough away for them to have privacy, but close enough to deter any un-wanted, whether it be media or curious onlookers. About the time we thought we couldn't stand the wondering what happened anymore, the entire waiting room occupant body all gasped in horror, then fell deathly silent as the TV blared the breaking news of unimaginable proportions, a neighboring man to an Amish school house broke into their morning classes and heartlessly took the lives and caused severe injuries to 10 Amish girls...…...my mind reeled, I hugged my lil cancer ridden son tighter and wept for what these poor families were facing. The glassed over blank eyes and solemn dejected faces and robotic motions of the girls loved ones and classmates hanging around the hospital corridors and sidewalks all made sense now. I wanted to go to every mother and hug her tight and try and offer comfort but there was none to give, it was all so horrific and fresh and unbelievably other worldly, but the terror and angst on their faces was so devastatingly haunting. My heart ached for them, as they entered the waiting room looking for a seat to take the load off shaky jellied legs, only to hurry back out as the scene and news caster on tv replayed the horror over and over. The thought of what I was watching my Devin go through and deal with I found to be so unbearably exhausting and extremely trying and heartbreaking, and yet as I pondered how these mama's were feeling I couldn't begin to imagine. How do you recover from such horror and violation??!! How do you ever get what horrendous actions you just witnessed out of your mind, how do you move on, how do you trust again, how do you forgive…..and when I thought of the mama's having to bury their daughter's, their healthy, vibrant, active daughter's for the senseless acts of another selfish human, I couldn't breathe.....I knew it was a very real possibility that I could be the mama in the very near future standing by a grave, but, I also knew my son had been fighting for his life for 14 long months and that there was nothing another soul did to put him in this situation, this was life with cancer, a disease, not another human choosing to inflict ugliness and terror..... As hard as it is to walk the unwanted grief road, as hard as it is to wrap my mind around not hearing that impish giggle or I love you mom one more time, as hard as it is each year to face another season of fall, as hard as it is to make yourself put one foot in front of the other to get through that first day after the last breath, as hard as it is to choose every. single. day. to move on, as hard as it is to think, we not only made it through the first year in tact, but are now on our thirteenth year without our Devin......as brutally hard as that all is...….. I CANNOT IMAGINE being the mama of one of these dear girls...… my heart still aches for them, for the girls that survived, and the flash backs and PTSD their mama's may have to walk their daughter's through, even 13 years later, for the work of having to choose everyday, for not only themselves, but helping their girls to choose forgiveness, for those that may have physical disabilities to live and deal with as a reminder every day.....no mama ever wants to have to stand by their child's grave, but, especially in this way, I'm so thankful for my faith and knowing these mama's have their faith I know without a doubt this is how they got through the unimaginable horror, this is how they got from that last breath, to 13 years, their faith, this is what gives them the strength to go on knowing because of their faith and God's promises, their tragedy will be turned into eternal rejoicing and celebration some day when they're reunited. One thing I know now, whether disease or disaster, a mama's grief is like no other, there is no definition, no description, no remedy or cure, just raw, aching, heart ripped out and shredded to ribbons bloody grief.  That day 13 years ago was brightened a bit when we got to meet up with my dear Uncle Dan for lunch while we were there, he was such a big support and despite the pall of somberness cast over our day at the breaking news, he always had a way of bringing laughter and encouragement, he to is now gone from our lives from this ugly cancer disease, but every time I remember him I hear him say, dear niece, whatever you do, stay faithful and true. But, for my faith, I would not be able to stand upright and wade though this murky, slough called life, with all it's troubles and griefs. Tonight, I go to bed, resting in the fact that I can truly rest knowing I serve a big God that has my world firmly in His hands! Tonight I go to bed thankful for the 5 short years I was blessed to snuggle the most adorable black eyed impish angel. Tonight I go to bed, thankful for the Amish mama's faith to forgive and I pray for peace and comfort to wrap like a warm soft cloak around each family that remembers, each girl that thinks back,  tonight as I go to bed, I thank God for my Uncle Dan and his life and encouragement and for his faithfulness, tonight as I go to bed, I choose to rest well in my creator, knowing I'm in the safest place ever, knowing His mercies are new every morning and His promises will never fail, despite disease, death, or disaster.

ALWAYS>>>>>>LIVE LIKE LINCOLN

I've been following his story from a few states away pretty much from the beginning, I feel like I kinda know him and his family personally, even though we have never even breathed the same air, in the same location, at the same time, let alone had a face to face, in person, conversation, it's the kids cancer thing, we are a club of our own, trust me, we NEVER issue an invitation to another soul, EVER, but, unfortunately, once your in, knocked out, dragged in and forced to unwillingly be a part of this club, you then have prime seats forever, upfront and center, in your face, take over your space, birds eye view, seats, forever, and when another member is thrown willy nilly into the club, it doesn't take but a few scans, pokes, prods, and vomit sessions until you are reliving every second of your own initiation into said club, and the first bleary, teary eyed scared to death, literally, cry for help and prayers from the lil heroes mum or daddy and you are fused at the heart for eternity, and what they're walking your gonna get all the feels, all the time, and the reliving and flash backs are on a never ending spin cycle! if you could, you would go to the ends of the earth to shield them from every facet of this green eyed ugly monster of a disease, you would dig a chasm a thousand miles wide so they would never be able to span it and have to face the ugly on the other side of sleepless weeks and terrors of, are we ever gonna be a whole family again? and what is normal? and what if they never get better? and what if they die? and why isn't treatment working? and what route of treatment should we take? and how can their little bodies take any more? and how do I get them to eat? and why aren't there answers and what's taking so long? and God are you who you say you are? and are you really here with us? and why my child? why mine?? we actually love and want our child and we are committed to death to raise and love them, why mine?? This, ALL OF THIS and so much more, is why one gets to feeling like they know them personally when you follow another families story, another hero kiddos valiant cancer battle efforts......It's been 13 years since we got the news that there is nothing more to be done for our 5 yr old Devin, got the news that the cancer was now in his bones and yet another massive tumor behind his lungs and that we should get hospice lined up and take him home and grab every second we can and love on him like crazy till Jesus says, come, it's over, you've soldiered on bravely, long enough. No parent ever wants this club, but, once in, you would move heaven and earth for your child, and no parent ever wants to hear, you've been thrown in this club, but now, your forever a part of it, but your going to have to say goodbye to your lil soldier and never get a pass outta the club, instead, you will remain in it, no one of your own to fight for any longer, but forever a front seat to the rest of the clubs continuing raging battle, so you collapse into your assigned seat, and wonder how you will ever make it to a year without your lil fighter, but, time doesn't stop for no one, and your numbly watching others walking in what once was your shoes and you know every step, and you feel every pain and emotion and then suddenly, 13 years later you realize as horrific as it all is, you wouldn't trade seats with anyone, this is your family, you get each other, you know what they are feeling and experiencing, and if you have to walk the pediatric cancer thing, you wouldn't want to be anywhere else but with those that understand it...….still, though, makes me want to shield EVERY SINGLE PARENT OUT THERE FROM HAVING TO BE THE NEXT ONE!! I want to scream, YOU ARE NOT INVITED, WE DON'T WANT YOU, THERE'S NOT ROOM FOR ANOTHER SOUL IN THIS CLUB!!!!!! At the same time, when I hear of another one being tossed our way, I want nothing more than to run with open arms, or grab the next flight or train or whatever and walk with them and help them carry this !!!
 Lincoln Arrow Schrock, precious little chap, giving pediatric cancer every stinking bit of everything his little heart and soul and body has to throw at it, and all the while praising his creator, HIS GOD!!!!!! His faith is absolutely inspiring and so amazingly beautiful and that alone gives one tremendous hope and courage in the middle of the why's!! And I know his dear parents, Matt and Kaitlyn would pull on hip waders if needed and wade higher, and plunge deeper, if they knew there was more answers thrown their way and solutions given to beat this if they felt God directing that way, God knows, all of us parents that have sat by these littles sides, helpless and exhausted, at the end of our resources, would crawl yet one more mile across glass on bloodies hands and knees if it meant there was something that would fix this ugly disease! when you have a little cancer soldier hero in your midst that bravely battles on, we as the parents and their biggest fans and cheerleaders will go to the ends of the earth to squeeze into the trenches with them and shoulder them on...….but, sometimes, our fighting for them means letting them go...…..and this...….is where the fiercest battle of any of the treatment and disease hits......how does one let go, how do you give up all that you dreamed for them, for you as a family, how do you go on to make memories and moments without them in it, how do you live and breath and function ever again, how do you will your heart to keep beating knowing you will never be the same, how do you survive, what is survival...….seeing Lincoln's family start their goodbyes.....I almost wanted to stop following....but I couldn't, and I felt a bit like a coward, but......all the feels, the reliving, the numbness and suffocation and feeling like this was an outta body experience while trying to grasp reality, it all came back in sunami force......and then I though how in the world did we go from wondering how we would get passed a day, a week, a month, a year......to now being 13 years out??!!! and it hit me, MY GOD, LINCOLN'S GOD, that's how!! We never would be where we are without our faith and hope and the ever constant presence of OUR GOD, His faithfulness to us, carrying us on, walking with us, it by no means has been easy, but, without Him it would be hell!! And, the love and understanding of other club members, those that have a pair of moccasins just like ours, moccasins they were gifted at the time of initiation into the club.
Matt and Kaitlyn, you may never read this, and that's just fine, but know Lincoln's faith was well taught, he has it because he saw it soo well lived in his biggest fans and cheerleaders, his mum and daddy! He has given so many hope and courage and shared HIS GOD in a far more powerful and real way than most of us ever have, and has inspired us so beautifully to better in gifting OUR GOD to others. He has shown us, that miracles are precious and valuable and out there, we just have to search for them, and so often they are closer than we think and better than we imagined!! thank-you for sharing his preciousness with all of us, I know it wasn't always easy, and may have come with criticism and frustrations, but, I also know, his story and life have been the only Bible some have ever read!! I pray you feel immeasurable peace and comfort as you guide Lincoln into the arms of HIS GOD and that you will feel surrounded by an army of prayer warriors and children of God!! am so sorry you had to be thrown in our club, but, know, you don't walk alone!!
LIVE LIKE LINCOLN, KEEP YOUR ARROW POINTED TOWARDS HEAVEN AND YOUR GOD!!

Happy Dances

I have so many updates to put on here, and so many started, but, between just grabbing ALL the moments i can with my kiddos and family, plus, having numb or tingly digits, i haven’t been able to get caught up and keep caught up on updates and all that’s going on here. But, i do so appreciate all the constant love and support from all of my “fans” that have been faithfully supporting and praying and loving and carrying me through this mess, whether you are family, friend, tribal member, one of my medical team and caretakers or a passing acquaintance following along, it all means the world to me and to my family!! In the last day suddenly i feel like i’ve Ridden the roller coaster at full speed to suddenly be slammed to a halt, and as my niece said, ALL the lights at the end of this tunnel are in view!! Trust me, i am by no means complaining, i long to get back to a normal of sorts, to pre-cancer, and just live fully, painlessly, appointmentless each day!! I wanna run away with my hubby for a time and with my kiddos and make up for the past half year i’ve felt a bit cheated out of. Anyway, a brief update on the last 2 weeks, and no, just cause i’m skipping ahead and giving a now update doesn’t mean i’ve forgotten or am skipping all the updates since my last post, i’m Gonna need to post all that for my own “diary” documentation and sanity at some point but for now, it’s present day!!
So, July 12 was my double mastectomy surgery......it’s been 2 weeks of a lot of running and many appointments since. The surgery went good, the pain since has been constant though thankfully not unbearable, am super excited to have all 4 drain tubes out after almost 2 weeks of sleeping in basically one position, elevated on my back, and having to strip tubes and measure fluid. Today is ovarian surgery, a chance it could be out patient, but going with a one night stay bag in tow in case. I met with my cancer dr. On Tuesday, love, my Dr. Lee!! She was over the moon with my pathology report!! the large marginal area round the tumor site they tested is cancer clear, the 3 lymph nodes they biopsies are cancer clear and the only remaining bit of tumor was like 3ml worth. She says no radiation at this point and i don’t need to see her for another 3 months. They are still waiting on a few test results to get back and if they come back as she’s hoping i can then go get my medi port removed!!!. So.....it’s almost time for me to head to the next surgery, but thankyou everyone for your prayers and support, these happy news results and times of celebration are because of prayers being answered!! Don’t have time to post my song, gotta run!!!

Joyful Noise

Noise, there is so much noise around us every day, trying to drown out our rest, our peace, and that still small voice of our Heavenly Father. Noise, pulling us away from the important, the priorities of our life, our days, and distracting us from tuning into the important voices, songs, and life moments. Pain, is one of the loudest noises I know, demanding front and center attention, interrupting and talking over, dominating and controlling, whether it's physical, emotional, mental or even grief pain. Pain tends to drown out and take my focus off of anything else important in my life, causing life as I know it to halt, except for the revolving around the pain at hand. This past half a year I have had to make myself face the pain head on and declare war, choosing to consciously box the pain and shelve it at the back of my mind and not give it free rein and power over my days, otherwise, I want to stay curled in a fetal ball and lay festering in it. Some days the choice to rise above it and go on with life is an hourly refocus and resetting of my mind and will power to rise above it and do the next thing. The pain noise is excruciatingly loud at times, and the mental, and emotional will power is on E, and I want to give in to thoughts of, I don't deserve this, and allow myself to wallow in pity and be miserable, cause, after all I didn't ask for this and now I have to deal with all this, so I should be doted on, and fawned over, and the desire to feel entitled to being served, and waited on, and coddled, is strong, cause after all the pain is screaming and I shouldn't really have to move at all, and, well, it would just be much easier to let the pain have the stage, and give into it's neediness with a steady round of applause and be it's willing audience, and allow myself to camp out there, and believe me, there were days I gave in to that, and the struggle is still not over, however, the demands only get bigger and the noise becomes deafening and I find myself beyond miserable and creating an atmosphere around me of grumpiness and misery! I recently came across this word and it's meaning, or at least one of it's meanings, and it hasn't left my vision, when the pain starts ampping up and drowning out, I see this word and I so long to live every facet of my life in this place, in this word and it's definition.

The road ahead still looks daunting, with surgeries and recoveries and more pain, but I so want to gaze ahead, peering through clear, sunshine filled lenses, and not, smudged, gray and dreary spectacles, and to remember, when the next storm hits, that I have been given an umbrella of hope, and freedom in my heavenly Father, and to know confidently no matter how loud and unsettling the storm, He's got this, He's hot me, He's bigger than any of it and in control, and no matter what mud and puddles I find myself having to slosh through in life, I don't have to wade through them miserable and alone, and to remember the rainy, painful season is just that, only a season, and that on the other side there's sunshine and rainbows waiting, after all, every storm runs outta rain at some point! 

    There were so many days my faith and my body was weak, and I would wonder if I could go to one more treatment, and I would think maybe, I'll just stop, this is to much, and I'm just so done with it all, and I can't find the energy or gumption to care about moving, let alone getting up and about and ready to drive an hour for another long day of exams and infusions. At the beginning of it all I remember thinking, how in this world am I going to be able to get through this, it looks huge and overwhelming and not at all doable, and the 6 months stretched on for an eternity, and now, it's over, all the chemo treatments are over and here we are 6 months later still standing!! A bit disheveled and bowed over and wilted and withered and still battling through side effects and with random EKG appointments and pre-ops and blood-works, and surgeries to go, but, STILL STANDING!!!!!! There's a quote just this week I read from one of my devotionals that absolutely rings true to me...."IF GOD IS CALLING YOU OUT, HE'LL HOLD YOU UP!!" I am so very grateful for the many hours, days, moments, when God held me up, even in those times when He felt distant and silent, and I felt alone, I know it was only by His faithfulness and grace that I was able to pick myself up and move forward, even if it was at sloth pace, or by sending my people along to step in, and alongside and offer help and love and encouragement, He always showed up to hold me up!
GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!!!!

Stranger Blessing

May 20, 2019 I took Em to work and while there did some much needed grocery shopping. while in the freezer/fridge section Ava was bouncing around trying to stay warm while also begging for whatever caught her fancy. I saw an older white ponytailed bearded man watching her and glancing at me off and on, so as I got closer I said, excuse us sir, then, sorry, as I pulled her outta the way of slamming into his cart. He said, no, ma'am, she's just fine, but, may I ask, are you in treatment? I said, yes, actually I am, to which he replied, can I please say something too you in my own language?? I was like, uuummmm sure!! so He proceeded to rattle off something which he then explained was a Cherokee Blessing, and said, it means, No matter how hard, God is going to get you all the way through this!! I LOVED THAT!!!! He said, I know nothing about this path your on is easy, and I said, no, your right it's not, and he replys, but thankfully we have a God, someone higher we can turn to! I said, Amen, that makes all the difference. we exchanged a few more brief words and I said, I take it your a bit familiar with this path and he said yes unfortunately, I didn't get any more details than that as what I suspect was his grown son walked up just then, but he turned back to me briefly and asked, can I please have your first name so I can remember you in my prayers?? I  gave it to him and thanked him for having the courage to reach out and bless me that it meant so much. I love God ordained meetings and moments like that, just when life feels beyond heavy, He gives us front and center signs of hope and encouragement!! I also got a lovely card and note from dear Lucy from church, she always has the loveliest words of encouragement, having been through this herself.
May 23, 2019 Today was My Beffy's turn to chauffer, we had a lovely time together and got lunch and did a few errands. we also met a lovely new gal there going through the same thing and her bouncy upbeat attitude and humor was so refreshing!! was so great to see someone else that was going through it fighting hard and not let it get the best of her!! My large digit on my left foot has been swollen heated and feels like it's been in a vice for days so I showed it to my nurse who said to another nurse come look and when they inspected it they saw a heart beat under the nail and said this needs attention so I was prescribed an antibiotic and sent to a podiatrist on my way home, who looked at it and said this needs to be opened and the nail removed and then numbed it and proceeded to hack off most of the nail, was absolutely not a fun experience but definitely made the pressure go away. I was told along with the antibiotic to soak in salt water and to put iodine on it.

Friday May 24, 2019 today my Paula took me to meet with the plastic surgeon about reconstruction when I have surgery in July. My hips and shin bones and knees have been quite painful and achy and that along with the rubbish toe made walking a bit weird and felt like I was lumbering along with a hitch in my giddy up but we got it done. wow, we always warn our daughters never to be sending anyone or even taking for that matter pics of themselves in their birthday suit never dreamt i'd have to have my own little photo shoot from the waist up for this whole procedure along with measurings and much talk of how all this will be and what size and how long the recovery and to shower or not to shower and the drain tube situation that goes along with it and on and on. it came away feeling in some ways a lot was cleared up and not quite as mountainous and other ways it all look's huge and long but we will get through it and don't have to dwell on it until the time arrives. When we left there we grabbed lunch did a bit of shopping then treated ourselves to smoothies begore heading home!!

GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!!!

Coming Down The Home Stretch

May 16, 2019 Chemo #10 Laura my wonderful heart sister was my chauffer today!! Praise The Lord for great counts and tumor is very much gone and we're coming down the home stretch!!! Counts were good enough that I don't have to run for any more injections at this point. I do need to schedule for Ovarian surgery and Plastic surgery consult as well as a follow up echocardiogram. After treatment we treated ourselves to some amazing true Italian pizza and a few errands before heading home. It was a gorgeous day out and was sad to spend so much of it indoors but thankful to be in an infusion room with windowed walls!!

 Got a sweet surprise in the mail from Cordell and Beth, the perfect book of encouragement and love!

 my nails have been extra painful and oozy, makes doing any kind of activity excruciating, but, when I'm not sleeping I try to keep doing what I can around the house, though it doesn't usually feel like I accomplish that much, but, it's ok, it'll all be waiting for me to get to it when this is all over!!

May 18, 2019 after running Em to work I was almost home and I spotted this Bald Eagle sitting in a tree, I ran home for my camera and was able to get quite a few shots of it's majestic beauty, was thrilled to have spotted it and watched it a bit as it soared. this evening we got outta the house and went to Wayne and Miriam's for a pizza party. Was so refreshing to sit outside and enjoy the gorgeous weather and just relax with dear friends!

May 19, 2019 today after church we had a small cookout with Gary and Paula and Josie for lunch. Ava has been begging to go to the park with her bff, Josie and finally it was a day of sunshine and nothing else going, we had a short but splendid time just kicking back together!! In the evening we went a 30th Anniversary celebration for Glen's brother Gene and Voni, was great to honor them and be with family for a bit. A short thunderstorm came through and we were gifted a gorgeous double rainbow, I only got pics of one part but still was a beautiful reminder of hope and to keep pressing on!!

God Is In Her, She Will Not Fall!!!!!!

Chemo #9

       "YOU CAN'T CHOOSE YOUR SEASON, BUT YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR SONG"
One of my devotional sights had this thought the other day and I keep mulling over it, because it's so true, and because it brought me up short on the fact that to often if I'm not whining about my struggles, then I'm just silent, and instead of either of those I should be choosing worship and praise in spite of, but, the reality is, it is beyond hard to not only choose to sing, but when there is pain constantly at the for front of all movement and breathing, to choose to sing with a smile and with gratefulness, even if, because at the end of the day, I still have a voice, and breath, and have conquered with God's mercy and grace, yet another day, another day closer to the end of this battle, this season!!
May 9, 2019 Chemo treatment #9 Today my beautiful niece Kate was my chauffer. was very special to have a day together as it is a rare occasion just the 2 of us hang out. my counts were still a bit low so the Dr. wants the injections to continue. For some reason this time around about 45 minutes till the end of infusion I reacted to something and got intense low back pain, they kept an eye on it and when I stood to move around to go to the bathroom it lessened somewhat, but I was sent home with instructions to be tuned into it and if it would get worse or feel it's not leaving anytime soon I need to call in and consult with the Dr. Pretty much till I got home and rested a bit it went away. They have been putting cooling socks with ice packs on my feet also during infusion and that has helped tremendously with not only the neuropathy, but also with the restless twitchy legs during infusion!!

This evening was sharing sister night at church. Miranda and I went together, it's one time I am thankful for a bag of fresh steroids, there's usually no sleep in sight after a treatment, so I was still wide awake and able to take in the evening and enjoyed every minute of it. We had delicious soups and breads and Charcuterie boards of delightful bits of this and that!! The talk was on friendships and angels and answered prayers. This was the dessert board I signed up to take.

May 10, 2019 Today after work Em took me and I did a few errands than went for my injection. It was a massive down pour as we left Kohl's so she didn't feel comfortable driving so I did, I tell you chemo brain is definitely a thing, and driving is not the best thing for one with that affliction to do. she was planning to be my designated driver the entire trip but with the deluge of rain then the stop and go traffic on 81 her nerves and only 6 month driving left her feeling a bit quaky so I thought I could manage, thankfully those angels we heard about last evening are very real and present and probably keep us from harm and danger far oftener than we know, but, suddenly I was jolted awake to find myself crossed over the yellow lines on a curve on Steeltown  road headed straight for the guide rails, there was a semi behind me but no one thankfully coming the other way and I was able to pull myself back together and continue home, very much wide awake at that point, though Em continued to doze. I had to admit that as hard as it is to rely on others who are busy and have a life this is why they say no driving is recommended, and to bring someone with you for that, made me extremely grateful all over again for my tribe, my lovely support group of willing chauffeurs and helpers!!  

May 11, 2019 today we spent a good part of the day meandering through the Mother's day event I had hoped to set up at this year, there was lots of beautiful crafts and small businesses and yummy food. there was also lots of friends to catch up with and hang out with. After we left Glen took me to my cousins nursery and picked out a tree for mother's day for the front corner of the house, it was a beautiful native smoke tree. 

May 12, 2019 Happy Mother's Day!!!!! Today my sister Angie had the whole family over for the day, we were hoping to get a family picture taken but it poured rain all day, but we still had a lovely time being together. I so enjoyed hanging out in the rocking chair just lovin' on my niece Sophia, I don't get to snuggle her as often as I'd like with my schedule and exhaustion so it felt good to eat her up a bit. Am so thankful to still have my mama for mother's day, it's almost 25 years since her brain aneurysm, and so thankful my sister Angie was able to host mother's day, it's going on 2 years since her brain aneurysm, and I'm beyond thankful to be mama to one married, one in heaven one about to drive solo and one about to graduate kindergarten, talk about livin' life on all spectrums!! 

May 13, 2019 today was another injection day, and as tired as I am of the dreary rainy days, today I was very grateful, cause it brought my hubby home from work early and allowed him to take me for my appointment, while Brandon saw that Em got picked up from her Keystone exams and delivered  to work and Ava was cared for till we got home. 

May 14, 2019 today was a girls day for our tribe at Laura's, with movies and doughnuts and a  delicious lunch and soaking up all being together for a rare few hours. we all decided it needs to happen oftener for the sake of all our sanities, what a tremendous blessing to have real heart friends in ones corner!!

 God Is In Her, She Will Not Fall!!!!!