Cancer.......journal continuing......

January 25, 2019 morning after shave day.....I had no idea the amount of wind that circulates ones head on a daily basis until one has no protective covering to shield it. every glance in the mirror this morning was a glaring reality check, this, is happening, this mess of a disease that takes over and rearranges each unsuspecting victims life without permission, is here to stay and to be battled furiously against!! I was extremely grateful for the company of my Paula in spite of the fact that she had just been here the eve before and gotten home late and didn't just live around the corner. it was a good therapy session to talk away the nights before events and work through all the emotions and feels of all that was swirling through heart and head.
January 26, 2019 this morning the house consisted of miss Ava and I, everyone else left to put in a Saturday of work at their respected positions, so I threw my shoulders back and decided today was the first step in facing the public hairless, I was feeling fairly energetic and there were a few groceries to pick up and are a car to fuel and chickens to provide a new bag of feed for. so, with a bit more grit and determination than I was actually feeling I readied myself and my 6yr old charge and off to town we went. I thot it may be awkward and weird and there would be stares and maybe some revulsion, I wasn't quite prepared for the gamut of emotions and expressions that would flow over ones face in a matter of a few seconds and a quick glance. the first glance from a stranger where I saw such a wide range of emotions almost left me feeling like I was a freak, or should have something to be ashamed of or maybe I was like a contagious leper to them...there was shock, then startled horror, then averted eyes like I cant look but I cant un-look, than that second glance, and then a face full of helplessness and pity and oh so many questions...…..it was a another smack to reality that this was very real and I had a split second decision right on the spot to make, I could run back to my safe haven at home and become a prisoner of not only my four walls but also to this disease or icould shoulder back and meet each glance with a smile and eye contact and own the season I was in, I wanted to play safe, but I knew I dare not, it would only lead to the dark side rather quickly and loneliness and I had already when being blind sided by this, made a commitment to shine my Jesus through this path and that is what I will shakily do!! it was amazing when I went forward on my days errands and encountered the next horrified soul, how quickly they were to light up in response to my smile and most even said a kind hello, it was like they had been given a confirmation that they could breathe easy, she's ok, so we can be ok. as I walked into the ever dreaded yet so often needed Wally world I looked ahead and saw my dear friend Anna from church, it was the perfect hug and needed tiny moment of chit chat that was able to get my nerves back on the level and ready to forge forward in finishing my task. I got my stuff done, impulsively grabbed a box of fresh donuts and a coke and said to myself, I am stopping at my Miriam's for a reboot of some bf time and comfort munchies, a celebration of meeting a, I wanna suck you under and send you back to your lil world in a puddle head on and not letting it win moment!!
January 27, 2019 Church.....to go or not to go.....what will the reactions be, will I be emotionally ok or create a spectacle, will I make everyone around me uncomfortable......another hurdle one doesn't really think through a whole lot until it's staring you in the eyeballs. Glen said, you are beautiful, i'm proud of you and not in the least embarrassed, I will back you up on whatever you decide, and if you wish to wear a hat, i'll wear one too and if you don't, i'm supportive of that!! in the end, no hat, cannot bear it, my smoldering pate and the constriction on my brow and glasses leaves me feeling claustrophobic at this point, saddening somewhat for all the cute hats in my possession, but it is what it is. unbeknownst to me my Paula came prepared to don a hat in my support also if I arrived in that attire, the support was heartwarming. I made out perfectly wonderful and all my fears were in vain. Gary and Paula came and spent the day we had a lovely time, was so good to relax. this adorable teapot and hat was a ray of sunshine from a church friend Roseanna, who has seen us through many dark days over the years, that teapot makes me happy every time I look at it and also puts me in the mood to get in my camper and let the ugly of the world and life behind me and go revel in my family and nature and making new and beautiful memories....ahhhh to everything a time and season, makes me extra thankful for our beautiful camping vacation in Florida over Thanksgiving before life hit hard!!

January 28,2019 today I woke up feeling good, so impulsively, that's how I work best most days, called a friend from by gone days that has walked this breast cancer journey, Nancy Martin had reached out to me earlier in the month and wanted to do lunch and chat and offer her support but I came down with the flu and had to cancel, so I got up this morning and decided today was the day and thankfully it suited her. sadly I didn't grab a picture and was sad about that later, but, wow, our stories are very different, but so encouraging to chat to someone that understands the lingo and procedures and even the emotional ups and downs of this kind of scary. it was a great lunch and sharing time and treasure it and the thoughtfulness of her reaching out and connecting, support is so key through these things.
January 29, 2019 Paula came up and we did some thrift shopping and girl time, thought while I was feeling good before it all gets worse we wanted to do something nice. we had a great day together and got in lunch too. a dear friend of hers that just unexpectedly went through an infant loss sent her a care basket to gift to me, Laura, dear, I don't know if you read my posts and it's ok if you don't but your heart and soul and reaching out in your darkest hours to bring some light into mine means more than you will ever know, thankyou from the bottom of my heart, you are precious beyond words and I pray you will find peace and comfort through these hellish days of empty arms and finding good and purpose in this unfair hard, hard life stuff!! know you are so very loved, even though I never laid eyes on you!!

 the mail also brought me a care package from a wonderfully dear friend from our Hershey Pediatric cancer days, My dear friend Dawn, who watched her precious Maddie battle the ravages of childhood cancer and goodbyes as we did, sent a prayer shawl wrapped in all her love and prayers and support with encouragement and care. these things are so precious, to know that somewhere in a corner of the world you are put on someone's mind and heart and prayer list and they then let you now is a priceless gift!!  

January 30, 2019 today was a relaxing morning with Ava having a two hour delay due to weather. my mailbox held love again today in the form of a most gorgeous hat from my dear Auntie Leenie, who really isn't my aunt at all and whom I only met like 3 times maybe, but because she's my Sara and Frank's Auntie the love spills over all around and we all somehow become dear to another because of being dear to the other, it's a precious thing really if your so blessed to meet humans as these that open their hearts and arms and say because you are their's that makes you ours. thankyou Auntie Leenie for opening your heart and arms to me, you are so very loved!!

I must run for now, not literally, more like a slow padding about at this juncture ;)......until next time.... GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!!!!