#1 and #2 Of The Next Go Round, and More.......

March 14, 2019 Last Evening I was required to take 5 Decadron, a type of anti-inflammatory/steroid med in preparation for todays new treatment regimen. it's a one time thing unless I was one of the percentage of woman that reacts to this go round. I was a bit anxious being a ginger, that I wouldn't handle the new treatment and also a bit anxious about those 5 little pills, tho small they've proven to be mighty and being a steroid I didn't like how they made me feel twitchy and hungry every second!! But, another step to the end goal, so we take a deep breath close our eyes swallow the pills lift our head and face the next moment!! Miriam was my chauffer today, we've seen each other through a lot of mine fields in our 16 years of friendship so I knew today would be filled with laughter and support and memories in spite of the very frustrating situation!! I love my care team at the cancer center, they are easy to be around and honestly care about every detail of your visit and do a great job at making you feel like you are not only normal, but well supported, and one of them. my blood pressure was slightly elevated due to laughing and carrying on with the nurses, but they took it again later right before infusion and it was great, it would seriously have shocked me had it stayed up, I've only ever had a high BP one other time in my life and that was when I was meeting with doctors to find out my  scan results. They were thrilled to say also my blood work was beyond perfect and Dr. Lee can only find a tiny edge  of something left of the tumor, if it was in fact the tumor she was feeling, she said it is really hard to tell at this point without an actual scan, it could be biopsy scar tissue. after my meeting and exam with Dr. Lee it was infusion time, #1 of the next 12 treatments, I was volleying between being calm and periods of anxiousness, when I had my blood drawn and port accessed the nurses were all like so today we start the new regimen, did you take your 5 Decadron to help with staving off an allergic reaction?  ummm yes, yes, I did, but, what happens if I react, like, what are the symptoms etc?? didn't really get an answer on that question, the nurse was like, well, each person reacts differently, no two are the same, and we are prepared and trained so there's nothing to worry about, we'll take good care of you. well, that sounded great without really giving me any info! then I said, so, being a ginger, and reacting opposite or at a higher level in a lot of things normal people wouldn't, does that make this situation more worrisome or??? and she stopped, and looked at a couple other of her side kicks and was like, she's a ginger, are you guys taking that in and the one nurse says, it's ok, we got ya both covered. so I get settled in my recliner, kicked off my shoes, put up my feet, laid back a bit and turned on the heated seat and started munching pretzels and a ginger-ale from a sweet older guy that volunteers there and tried to not think anything but positive, and breath my way to calm and offer a smile to each nurse and patient there and believe and pray that all would be well and this was the next step to the end of this mess. so they started with IV's of Benadryl and anti nausea and rejection meds and then slowly ran the chemo thru, the Benadryl made me a bit sleepy and because they ran it all through slower to be precautious we were in the infusion room much longer than normal, but I was ok with that, I knew it was the best place for what I needed and for if I did react to anything. I was so absolutely grateful when it was all over and the only thing I really felt was the sleepiness from the Benadryl, thankyou, Jesus for answered prayers!!!! Miriam and I went and got lunch together and did a few other stops before heading home, I am so very blessed with the best chauffer's, and friends that I know I can be comfortable with on these long treatment days!!

March 15, 2019 today I got an absolutely gorgeous bouquet of bright summery flowers from my sister Angie and family, it sure adds a happy touch to my kitchen, specially on these last few rainy dreary days we've been having.

I had a follow up appointment for an internal ultrasound on the 2 ovarian cysts they were keeping track of when they discovered them on my cat scan. Glen was hoping to go along with me, but ended up getting delayed at work finishing up a job, so, last minute I took myself. I'm not sure what the problem was, but I have never been in that much pain while having an internal ultrasound, and I have a fairly high pain tolerance, but it was all I could do to lay there and keep it all together and not cry buckets. thankfully it didn't last overly long and I could soon be on my way, but not without a new worry added to my list of what did they find, and is it worse since I had pain this time and does that mean they grew and are maybe cancerous to now or.....and the mind just doesn't wanna stop bouncing down these bunny trails of worry and fear. was so grateful for snail mail from Montana, from my Judith friend that has also seen way to much of cancer in her life. the words on the note card she sent was peace for me....HE IS NEARER THAN YOU THINK, CLOSER THAN YOU HEAR, HE HOLDS YOU IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND! was such a good reminder for my weary mind!

March 17, 2019 emotional, mental overload, I felt it building up all week, with the overwhelming amount of info and decisions of surgery consults and my first appointment of the next 12 on Thursday, this mental, emotional exhaustion took over, and last evening and into this morning the flood gates opened and the tears wouldn't stop and everything felt like it was spiraling out of control. I guess that's how it works at times, you brace yourself for all the unknowns, yet keep yourself going and moving and doing the next step, all the while your mind is churning questions and scenarios, how are we going to decide which surgery reconstruction route is best, and what if I get Lymphadema and how am I going to cope with after surgery and recovery, and then the new med regimen, am I going to react, I don't know but, push down the trepidation, and soldier on and you keep yourself moving forward and facing the next hurdle and try not to let yourself overthink, but, keep going, then, the ultrasound, and, what if, and maybe, but, well, we wont know till we know, so push it away till we have to go there, and after awhile the mind is weary and over loaded and it all snowballs and once you have all the appointments done and the week is winding down and you get to sit down and try and relax it all comes crashing down at the next sighing exhale of deep breath. I couldn't sleep passed about 330-4 so I came down to the couch and tried to get myself in a good frame of mind but the tears.....awhile later hubby joined me on the couch and in the tears, we talked it out, or maybe it was more me vomiting all my worries and frustrations and fears and yes even some anger at feeling like I was having to sacrifice my schedule and my family time and everyday of this year so far and my body and mind to this ugly beast of a disease and I was just so done, I feel like I have no say on any day at what happens with my life. He listened and cried with me and prayed with me then gently reminded me how much we have to be grateful for, the treatments have been a huge success, we have a care team that is fabulous, a massive group of prayer warriors and friend group beyond amazingness, that have all readily been here for us and are readily on stand by should we need anything at all, and we got through the first 8 weeks when we didn't see how we ever would, and are now at the start of the last 12 and together we will get this done and we will be ok, just please don't say you are done! He told me before he took the kids to church he wanted me to please find something positive and uplifting to either read or listen to or something, and to not sit in my own head, but to find sunshine, I promised him I would. literally, 5 minutes later I get a message from Laura, saying, are you going to church this morning, cause if your going to be home by yourself, I'm going to come be with you. YES, PLEASE!! perfect God fix for me not to sit in my own head, perfect God fix for positive and uplifting!! we had a lovely time "doing church" together, was the healing balm this over emotional basket case needed!! then, this evening Glen's brother Gene and Voni brought a delicious supper over and then we had a great evening playing marble chase or something like that, we saved the guys ego and male pride and left them win each round. :) it was a lot of fun and great to laugh and act for a little while like no cancer existed. 

March 18-20,2019 Monday morning I got up feeling like a new person, I was up well before the rest of the house, feeling great and ready to go. Beth messaged me and said any chance you feeling good and wanna get out a bit and do breakfast, and I was like, well, why not, i'm feeling great right now so i'm gonna grab the moment while I can, we had a delicious breakfast together and great conversation as usual, from there I went and got groceries and then I came home and changed my bed and reorganized my pantry, then chatted awhile with my dear sister Jessica that so kindly brought a fabulous supper over. she had been in Porta Rico with CAM for a couple months so it was great to see her again! I went to bed feeling like a bit more back to normal, I hadn't went into my couch to sleep or just sit at all today!! Tuesday morning I got up feeling even better, a friend needed a ride to a chambersburg appt so I took her and then we did lunch, was so refreshing to be able help out someone else. again I came home and did some baking and laundry etc. and didn't need to keep my couch company at all. I got an unexpected message from my friend Judith's hubby Raine, it was a cancer ribbon rainbow, the sun hitting his yeti cup while working created a rainbow cancer ribbon and he knew he needed to share that with those of us battling this disease. it was a message straight from Heaven, from God in the middle of his day......Hope.....a love letter from heaven, from their son Grant that soldiered bravely this disease and Raine's mama and Judith's mama who both battled this disease, it was a message of love and a confirmation that God does notice and care about cancer!! totally made my day and I couldn't stop smiling and was so grateful he shared his pics with me and the message of hope and love straight from heaven, I love when God lets us literally see into His heart!! 

March 20, 2019 First day of spring!!!!! just knowing that makes the day sunshinier!!! my car was dripping oil on the garage floor so Em and I ran it the dealer then Laronda picked us up and we grabbed Rita's for us and Rosene and went and snuggled baby Sophia a bit!! springtime and squishy baby love, can't get much better therapy than that!!! 

March 21, 2019 day #2 of the 12......today Laura is my chauffer, we left a bit earlier and enjoyed a delicious Cracker Barrell breakfast before heading into the Cancer center. My blood work had a couple slight hitches in it, although Dr. Lee felt it was almost not worth mentioning, she said I was showing a slight, almost non existent sign of anemia, and my magnesium level was a little bit on the low side, but other than that everything looked great including my BP. she said as far as the tumors go she feels besides a bit of extra fullness that could just be some fluid or scar tissue where the tumors were she is not feeling anything any more and is very pleased how they responded to treatment and everything is looking amazing. She was also very excited to say my ultrasound came back perfectly clear, no ovarian cysts of any kind there at all anymore and looking fabulous!! I left the exam feeling like a weight had lifted and thanking God for a miracle, she had no explanation as to why the exam was so painful, cause of the clear scans and absent cysts, it should have been the opposite, I don't know either, but I am praising God He took them away and  gave me a fabulous report. Infusion was long, Benadryl put me to sleep for a little, but it felt good to nap, my appt was at 10:30, infusion was done and we were finally on our way at 345. treatment days are one of those days you don't schedule anything else in and you be prepared to spend the day. we went to Hoss for lunch before heading home, it was a long but great day and felt so good to say, 2 down, 10 to go...…. 

March 22, 2019 today was pick Laronda up at garage and do some wedding detail running while the windshield gets replaced day!! we stopped at Pure and Simple Café in Greencastle before moving on, love these moments with my girls!!

my mailbox held lots of love and encouragement again this week, from Uncles and aunts and sisters and old friends and now friends and friends that have humor and see something I can only hope I live up to a little bit :) funny how a tiny little title written on an envelope can make you smile and boost your confidence, I know, I'm probably one of those super overbearing  and needy souls, but I don't mind right now, it made me laugh!! I am so very grateful for each piece of mail that arrives, snail mail is almost a thing of the past, but it's so fun and so amazing when you think that some body over there somewhere, took the time to pick out a card and pick up a pen and put thought and action into someone else day, pretty special!!

:) :) :) so fun!! sorta felt like I could float after this !!

March 23, 2019 today Glen and I had part of a day to ourselves, we went for breakfast then did some errands, felt like ages since we just had us time, I was feeling like a nap till we got home but it was a great day, this evening we were invited around the corner to our neighbors home for a delicious dinner at the Garmens in honor of Brandon's buddy Keith's birthday, it was a very enjoyable evening with great food and lotsa laughs. 

March 24, 2013 today I actually felt good enough bodily to venture to church with the family, emotionally/mentally I wasn't sure about it, something about crowds can feel a bit big and overwhelming, but we went for Sunday school and I made it through ok, was good to nap briefly this  afternoon. this evening Glen's brother Wayne and Joyce and family came for a visit, we had a lovely time catching up, family is a treasure!! 

well, I am finally caught up on all this, and it feels good, now hopefully I can remain in the right frame of mind and body and keep updating each week after treatment instead of trying to go back and fill in. blessings to all for your care and prayer and love and support, it truly is a wonderful feeling to know so many are carrying us through this!! until next time! GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!! 

 

 

   

Surgery Consults.....so many facets to this cancer thing........

March 8, 2019 today was meet with Dr. P the Ovarian Surgeon! Miranda and her adorable side kick Oliver, chauffeured and Paula went along as my second set of ears and processor!! Mr. Oliver won over the receptionists and the nurses with one flash of his handsome smile, one of the gals even got down on the floor with him! I think he was the perfect ray of sunshine in a room full of souls wondering how to deal with all the hard unknowns of their diagnosis. the meeting with Dr. P went well, felt it a bit like it was all stuff we already talked about and decided on before, but that was with my Primary care Dr. not the actual surgeon, so it was good to know he has me on his radar and in hi schedule and after going over all the genetic implications and reiterating all the cancer treatment and protocol thus far he told us again what they would recommend and wondered how we were feeling about it all and if we have decided anything, and he agreed that our decision to remove the ovaries and then do double mastectomy was indeed the correct and perfect way to deal with this kind of genetic cancer. so, now we wait, its in the books to meet again in June after all the chemo treatment is done and then schedule the surgery. after we left we treated ourselves to lunch and girl talk then did a tiny bit of shopping before meandering around the mulberry bush to find a Ritas to stave off a craving only to get there and it was closed so we spied a Starbucks and donuts only to realize we have to go into Giant for the Starbucks and the donut place was also closed, so we gave in to going into Giant for our Starbucks and donuts, hey, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do for comfort munchies, yay, Giant for the win!!!!! it was great cause for lotsa laughs and making some crazy memories!!

after I got back home my girls wanted to go see and squeeze their new little cousin, Sophia and since I was feeling good and caffeinated as soon as Ava got off the bus we headed over to my brothers place!! aaahhhhh Sophia Faith, you are pure beautiful squishy perfection and the absolute cherry to top off my day!!! 

March 9, 2019 everyone went to work again today, so Miss Ava and I went to breakfast with Beth than did a couple errands before coming home and taking it easy!! was so good to feel up to catching up a bit with Beth and getting some much needed errands taken care of, but I could feel I'm not used to being up and around that much for that long and till I got home my legs were feeling a bit shaky and I was ready to nap!

March 10, 2019 yaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!! LaRonda got in early this morning and is around to stay, however, that means the wedding isn't that far away and stuff is getting real!! 

Wayne and Miriam came over this evening and treated us to a wonderful supper and their company!! 

March 11, 2019 today was meet with Dr. T the breast surgeon. My appointment thankfully was early so Glen took me then went to work afterwards. wow...….so much info, so many decisions, so many different things to consider and to remember and process. Dr. T talked about our options and the reasons why we would consider a double mastectomy but reassured us in the end it was our decision and they would honor our choice should we decide to only do treatment and not a mastectomy, however she did make sure we understood the likelihood of going through this all over again because of the genetic diagnosis if we decided not to have a mastectomy. we told her we had already made up our minds that we were going with the double mastectomy, she reassured us that as unfortunate as this is, we were making the right call considering the diagnosis. so then it was on to discuss all the options of reconstruction after and the recuperation and therapy time and deciding what size I now want to be and whether we were going to choose nipples or no nipples and the option of nothing at all or tattoo life like details or bring fatty tissue from my back forward to sculpt new boobs or take off fatty tissue from my behind, and those reconstruction surgeries take 8 or more hours with a lot more recovery time or do silicone and do you want to go bigger or smaller or just none at all, and then we need to discuss the lymph nodes and removal of 2 main ones for biopsy as a precaution during surgery and if they come back clear as they expect they will since the one questionable one was tested and came back clear, however if it wouldn't come back clear then they remove most or all lymph nodes and that will require longer surgery and different therapy and also either way you will be sent home with drains out both sides and you will have to empty and measure and keep a log book of all of it to make sure theres no fluid retention or infection and oh what size would you like and here is a pair of "knitted Knockers" you will bring these along to surgery to put inside a special tight compression like bra we will give you protect the surgery site from any kind of rubbing or bumping and this will require at least one maybe 2 nights in the hospital...….I got packets of info and appointments and care instructions and a Lymphadema test and muscle excercises and so much more, I cant even begin to cover all the info that was handed our way....it. was. so. very. overwhelming. surgery is set for July 9, 2019...… I thought I was good, but once in the car and headed home the tears started and wouldn't stop, it all felt so mountainous, I guess in my accepting the fact that surgery was our only option I had made up my mind that it is what is and didn't look back but also didn't face the reality of how involved of a surgery and how much decisions would need made on so many levels, nor did I let myself process and accept the fact that literally 8 months or more of 2019 are planned for me, out of my control, I felt so selfish on the one hand that it bothered me and yet so cheated out of having a say in how I want to spend my life and my time. Glen was encouraging and helped me remember that we weren't sure we'd get this far at one point and now we were through phase 1 of treatment and getting ready to start the next and we have a huge support and prayer group and all that we need to think about right now is today and doing what needs done today. 

March 12, 2019 Today I was feeling pretty good, I had some errands that needed running so I got those out of the way and stopped for a Sophia snuggle then came home and rested. Got a box full of love and sweetness from my Sara and her dear Frank from NYC felt like a warm hug across the miles!! 

March 13, 2019 this morning the girls and I went for breakfast then the long awaited day of catching up with an absolutely precious friend arrived!! it's been over a year since Sarah and I got to hang out and do life together, since they moved west, and when she messaged me last week and said there's a chance she can get a short trip east in to spend a day or two with her daughter Heidi and a day with me, I could hardly let myself hope it would happen, but, God worked it out and I am so very thankful, it was precious, precious moments together, didn't let myself think about how much I really missed her until I saw her then it hit and the tears flowed..... the day felt like it ended way to soon but was so very blessed and grateful to have been given this gift, there's not much more dear on earth than those life long friends that you are gifted with, where, when you finally get moments together it's like no time has passed between visits and you pick up and connect right where you left off!!!

thankyou to all who again filled my mailbox with cards and encouragement!! it is seriously one of the best antidotes to cheer and strength to put the next foot forward!! 

GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!!!

 

Treatment #4....The Final Intense Treatment

February 28, 2019 Went into today with a little bit of mixed emotions, am so very ready to get my treatment today and know it's the last of the 4 intense chemo regimen and we can move forward to the next step towards our end goal, however, was feeling a little anxiety knowing that in taking todays meds meant that given a few days and the crash will come and I'm gonna feel very much like a beached whale, confined to my couch, feeling exhausted and weary and in an uncomfortable heap wondering where all the air and freedom of movement and daily living moved to. I armed myself with accessories that spoke life and had front and center reminders of who was going before me and who I had to rely on and newly acquired comfy socks from my Anna and mentally buoyed myself up to this I could do and it was going to be another step forward to the end goal with amazing results and it was going to be a good day in spite of!!

 

 Paula arrived to chauffer me bringing with her freezer meals from her and her lovely sister Sonya, so very special and such a great feeling as I walk out the door for another day away from home knowing there will be a delicious warm filling meal waiting for my people in spite of me being MIA!! We arrived at the cancer center and got checked in then off for blood draws, then on to meeting and examination with Dr. Lee. She was thrilled with discovering the tumors are very successfully being annihilated, she said they are all but gone, she can only feel a tiny, almost non existent bit of something yet!!! We were so excited to hear that, it makes the crappy feeling days feel like they are not all in vain and a tad bit more bearable!! Another thing she was sharing with us and I truly consider a miracle is that she has been amazed how fabulous my bloodwork has been and that all along my WBC (white blood count) has been really, really good, and me being anemic, or borderline there, most of my life, to the point I cannot even donate blood, that level has been super, to the point of very little traces to almost nonexistent anemia levels!!! Was a wonderful rainbow moment through this whole storm to see another miracle, and to hear her acknowledge her pleasure in picking up on that too!! She did have some thoughts about the next regimen of treatment and said though most woman find this next phase to be almost a breeze there is the chance that I could be 1 in a few that would react to it so they will start me on it being prepared to do what is necessary to counter act and handle the reaction should it occur, that left me feeling a bit anxious, back to that being a ginger and all and reacting opposite a lot of times to stuff, and if I have it right that could determine whether it gets drawed out over 24 weeks versus 12, she did say to that though most woman feel this round is a breeze compared to the first, it can be accumulative and exhaustion and joint pain etc can sometimes hit and set in for a bit around th 6-8 week mark......which would put us at the soonest at wedding weekend, so I'm having to fight off a bit of panic and worry there too. Moved on from the exam to infusion unit for my chemo drip. while sitting there waiting for all the meds to run their course and chatting to Paula in our semi private room, this vibrant, neat as pin, lady comes in for a blood draw and starts chatting it up with the nurses, and you could tell by her actions and animated conversation she was well known there and appreciated and not at all new to this circus. I giggled to myself earlier as I watched her and saw her lean in and whisper audibly how she was making plans for a trip in the fall with family, "for her big 7-0" not that she's broadcasting that or anything!! ;) as she finished with her blood draw, she stood up, neatly adjusted her colorful garb, patted her short beautifully cropped and styled hair and gazed around the room at the circle of full infusion chairs and silently took in all the patients each in their own little tuned out to those around them, bubble, then gathered her purse and headed for the door. I watched her, something about her determination and joy for life and being alive was shining on her face and it fascinated me, and as she got to my door, I caught her eye and smiled with a hello, she returned the favor, then as she passed my door, she stopped, backed up and popped in and said, hi, my name is......wait for it..... GINGER!! :) I giggled and was like, I should remember that, I'm a GINGER!! well not that anyone can believe that right now as I'm glaringly hairless, but, my name is Janette, or Nettie as everyone here call me, and I'm truly a GINGER! She laughed and said, you are beautiful and to see you smiling, I thought I need to come introduce myself and tell you I am, as of September, cancer free for 1 year and I fought this for 5 years and I have decided that this place has become like home to me and I want to now be there for others going through this, so I am working at being able to come in here and sit with or be there for theses ladies, and I want to be able to speak life and encouragement and even prayer, I would like to fill somewhat of a ministerial/pastor like roll because I know that faith and prayer in this type of journey is so very important. I told her I thought that was fabulous and totally agreed with her, she then breezed out in all her gingery sunshiny-ness almost as fast as she came in promising to keep me in her thoughts and prayers!! it was a weirdly beautiful few moments and has brought many smiles and wonderings to where she is, what she is doing, and how her goals were progressing since then!! when my chemo was all in, Nurse Stacy, my breast cancer navigator, popped in with a schedule and info on the next regimen and chain of events. I came away feeling she was far more encouraging and positive on the thought that it would be a much easier doable treatment than the first and she felt I would do well with it. We asked her if that meant the meds were not as intense or what all that means. she said, oh no, the meds are every bit as targeting, intense and successful at getting rid of the cancer, it's that it's a much less invasive and cruel treatment as far as side effects to the body and daily living, at least for the majority of woman, and she said, I know we've discussed weight and frustration with that as far as gaining and feeling like we wish we'd be smaller etc but honestly, you are healthy and the blessing of having a bit extra is that you have something to fall back on and sustain you through those periods of to exhausted to eat or no appetite moments and as far as having strength, and not immediately crumbling to a weak, undernourished and almost helpless state, she said, I by no means feel you are highly overweight or have anything go worry about in that area, but we see a lot of patients that come in being all about extreme health and are toothpick-ish and as soon as the first major round hits they are done and end up hospitalized because they have no reserve, so I want you to focus on that, you are extremely healthy except for the fact of this unwanted foreign body that took up residence in you that you couldn't have had any control over had you even wanted to, except if I would have said, hey, there's a lot of cancer through out my family, I'm going to take out a loan and go have a full blood panel drawn to see what are the chances. I felt really very encouraged and like the weeks ahead felt far more approachable than they had been looking, but, still have to, some moments more than others, keep the dark thoughts and the devils sly ways of sneaking in doubts and panic, shredded and tossed aside or I could quickly feel like I'm staring at a tsunami headed my way at other worldly speeds!! after we were discharged and sent on our way, Paula and I did some random shopping and took a much needed lunch break at Red Robin.    

while I was away doing the necessary medical routine, there was Voni and Vera, 2 very special sister in laws of mine voluntarily cleaning my house! It was a really fabulous feeling walking in the door to a fresh lovely smell of cleaned house, it must have been bothering me a bit more than I thought cause it felt like I had a bit of a load lifted that I hadn't realized was even there!! they even put a meal in the fridge and fresh flowers on the table, so very special!!  

March 2, 2019 today all my people went off for another Saturday work day, leaving Ava and I with the house to ourselves!! Mar and Rosene and Miss Bella came by for a wonderful time of catching up bringing with them a delicious Chai Tea Latte.

March 3, 2019 was feeling a bit extra tired this morning and not very energetic so opted to stay home from church, while Glen and the girls went, and get lunch and relax. Maryann sent a delicious addition of fresh rolls home with them for lunch, felt the love in every bite!

March 4, 2019 today was the reality of what I thought yesterday might be happening and the crash of treatment set in, I hit the couch after getting Ava on the bus with 2 hour delay, and didn't move to far to fast the rest of the day! Sophia Faith!!!a new beautiful niece was added to the family by Mar and Rosene, was so thrilled to know this was behind them and she was safely here and there's new life to snuggle and love on and some amazing little miracle to give me something to think about!!

March 5, 2019 cannot bring myself to do much besides exist. it's such a hard feeling to really articulate for someone as to how I really feel. a very much exhausted almost out of body experience!! it could feel like every lethargic cell and marrow is on high alert and twitchy, which maybe in the end kind of is and also then contributes to the intense tired and worn out??!! I tell myself, it's ok, just a few days of hibernation, we can do this, sleep, sit, lay, blanket on, nope off, off, off, noooowwww!!! ahhhhh, wait, is that a breeze, burr, chill, where the blazes is my blanket, ahh there, mmmmm, sleep, 10 minutes, potty break, so tired, so hot, can't sleep, but so want to sleep, then......ooooo crud, full body heartbeat in every cell and my nails, the slightest pressure is torture, feels like I jammed them and they will all come unglued!! I can do this, it's small inconveniences and pains for a short season.....but....every day feels like 3.... finally, time for bed, another day done, lets get to the next closer to the end goal..... but...the fiery throbbing litter box and the stabbing razors.....your kind of rocking the bed, mmmmhmmm it's been my life long coping mechanism with pain, close my eyes, and rock or shake a leg, bounce something cause somehow it takes the pain focus away, makes it not so front and center.....finally move to couch with ice packs and advil after seeing at least half of every other hour...…

March 6, 2019 another day, another day closer to the end.....Ava's off to school.....couch here I come....litter box still wants full attention, doesn't even get a break, on steroids so appetite is always on high alert for the next mouthful of something fabulous.....soaking in a sitz bath, much better, time to get out, can't breath to hot, my bed, yup looks amazing, goodbye world once again.....blessed sleep for awhile, then, maybe I should make myself move and try and act like I am bigger than this and just say to myself, get up you'll be good, wash your face show this pain and exhaustion whose boss.....mmmmmm cant. want. to. move...… and then, there's a knock on the door, I move, I open the door....it's my Paula, she comes in bearing all the craved comfort food and hugs, says, go get back in bed, then crawls right on the other side and says, sleep or eat or talk to me, I have like and hr and half or so, but I needed to check on you and be with you a little through the misery...….get yourself a bestie like her...….best therapy ever!! Oh and the bologna, baby swiss, Cheetos and ginger ale were pure delightful comfort!! got me to refocus my from my pain and I slept great after she left for a short nap!! 

while napping, a gorgeous bouquet was delivered from our dear friends at Blue Mountain BIC so very special, brightened up my world when I finally got my body in gear and willing to move to the lower living level!!   

 

March 7, 2019 woke up this morning feeling like, I think I'm going to be great and today we're going to get outta this crash point, and I so wanted to go snuggle my new niece, could hardly have it that it's been a couple days since she made her grand entrance to our world and I haven't snuggled her yet, but till lunch time rolled around the litter box pain seemed like it was going to be manageable but the weariness and limp, noodly feeling was back and to think of making a jaunt across town felt huge and overwhelming so I snuggled in my bed and shut out life once again. 

this week, again, in the middle of all my down, weary days my mailbox was overflowing with love and care in the cards and notes and letters, every time I open one, I feel like a hug was hand delivered from heaven and the post man, it's a precious, warm fuzzy feeling and I'm thankful for everyone of you!! well, I have one more post on my surgery consult appointments, before I get to my update then on today's appt, but I must stop and head off to my 1st appointment of the next regimen of 12, if you read this and get a moment, I would love prayers for calm and no anxiety and to be a light in spite of the unknowns and for God's grace and mercy that I wouldn't have a reacation, blessings dear friends!! GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!! 

 

Cancer Treatment #3, journal continued......

February 1-2, 2019 I am still amazed every time I get another package or note of encouragement out of the blue from someone I've known over the years or I know through a mutual friend or acquaintance or someone that's new to me but felt led to reach out after hearing my story. I find it very comforting to think that there is still genuinely caring loving people all across the earth that are not only ok with feeling for another soul and what they are facing but then also reach out to let them know! My mailbox has been daily filled with notes of love and encouragement and blessings and prayers, it renews in my mind every time I hold and open another gesture of caring from someone to be that in tune to others and what they are facing to return the kindness and pass on my own thoughts and prayers to the next person going through life battles, and to not just sigh and exclaim how we feel bad and wish we could fix or take the pain away but to actively reach out and let them know they are being carried. one day my mail held a surprise box of wonderful support and care products from Cordell and Beth Druist, it was filled with breast cancer logo comforts all accented in breast cancer pinks, fuzzy yummy socks and blanket and water-bottle that has become my new favorite, and it made me smile and felt like I was given a hug, a hug from 2 people that also have walked this ugly path and are a testament of perseverance and courage and to not give up through the ugliness of this disease!

I was feeling good enough to ride along with hubby to shovel off snow from his jobsite. Ava wanted to go along and help too, so it was fun to sit and relax in the car while watching them! Ava wanted fries, so we stopped for a rare McDonalds date with her before stopping by Rod and Laura's on our way home. was great to catch up a tiny bit with a dear friend. Laura had a variety of hats for me to add to my collection, they were adorable, my head hasn't stopped smoking enough yet to enjoy my hats very much, but they just make me happy every time I look at them, there is one for every event and mood!! 

February 11, 2019 today was a snow day for Ava and fortunately for her best friend Josie too, so Paula came up for the day so we could be together, she brought lunch along for us gals and so very kindly brought a delicious pot pie for supper!! 

February 12, 2019 as much I don't like the idea of more snow make up days , today I was thankful for the snow day, it meant that Glen was home and able to chauffer me and Ava to her oral dentist surgery appointment and that in the end she wasn't absent for school because of it. She did amazing at getting put out and having 5 teeth surgically removed!!! she had no anxiety or fears and not a single tear, she was smiling and jolly when she went in and the same when she came out. we were done and on our way home in record time!! 

February 13, 2019 today my dear friend and Sunday school teacher Goldie came and spent awhile with me bringing with her the most amazing comfort soup and other goodies!! was so nice to have a an hour or two to sit and chat life stuff, the encouragement was healing and the company so treasured!!  

February 14, 2019 Happy Valentines Day To Me!!! today is treatment number 3 and my dear brother took me!! we had a fairly early appointment today, had to be there by 7:40, Mar came and dropped off  Rosene and Isabella here at the house to spend the day with Emily and Ava, while we went for treatment, it worked out great with Ava having off school. Rosene so kindly treated them to lunch out too! My Dr. is very thrilled with how the tumors are shrinking and responding!! she wasn't real thrilled about me taking some of my own measures to get rid of the hemorrhoid issue cause she hasn't researched the effects against chemo etc. but in the end she sent me home with the consent to continue doing what I'm doing if I'm finding relief with it. felt like an answer to prayer that she was willing to be open minded and workable. was so glad to have Mar with me to meet with the genetic counselor too, it's so much more relaxing to listen to all the info pouring in when you know there is another set of ears gathering details and another mind to help process and ask questions. I hate that the genetic part has to be involved at all, it understandably creates some anxiety in the family, all the what ifs and unknowns, we both came away however feeling like maybe the mountain wasn't quite so high and the terror of it all not so dark, and while it's not ok and it all makes me sad and yes rather angry, it was helpful to hear everything she shared! When it was over and done and we were discharged, my dear brother treated me to a fabulous Chinese lunch out. we stopped at Wegmans on our way home for a couple groceries and some valentine treats for the kiddos. I got home and was surprised with a gorgeous bouquet of 2 dozen red roses and a teddy bear from my sweetheart of goin on 23 years!! Valentines day 1995 He asked me out, 1 year later He proposed!!  

February 17, 2019 went to church this morning, was blessed with a variety of freezer meals, that is so amazingly helpful and treasured!! dear Katrina had a care package of her amazing home made lotions and potions and soaps in my mailbox along with love and encouragement, so needed that hug!! this evening Wayne and Miriam, our dear local side kicks brought over supper and hung out for awhile and we were blessed with a visit from Glen's brother Mervin and Vera too!! 

February 19, 2019 Dear Paula came and spent awhile with me as I laid on the couch, her and her family made quite a few meals for our freezer, that is such a huge blessing, I know I have a16 year old but with a part time job and school and already some added responsibilities to her plate this takes a load off of both of us and the men coming home from a long day at work are still getting great food and full bellies!! Paula so kindly did some cleaning while she was here too and her lovely mama gifted me a BE. YOU. TIFUL sign, I just love it, and I keep it where I can see it to remind me that even when I don't look normal or feel like it, I still am!! Got a surprise note and gift card for lunch out in my mailbox from my Montana Jo, totally made my day!! another dear friend Lisa that has also walked through tremendous pain of losing her hubby and then has also walked the cancer road with her son sent me love in the mail and encouragement along with a worship CD, the very CD that has the song from my shave day on it, it is absolutely beautiful and so uplifting. also got another lovely encouraging note from another Montana Joann, made me thankful again for her and her care of my Brandon while he was out there working for them a year ago.  my neighbor lady Pam from one road over popped in with home made bread and meatballs!! I am so amazed, not sure why, it's who my God is, but it leaves me in awe every time how He faithfully takes care of us and sends His servants to lift up and cheer on!! my dear Cousin Jenn came again and spent sometime here with Mr. Oliver, so fun to sit and chat and to get in some lil boy snuggles! my mama also popped over with a fabulous batch of seafood chowder and a short visit, was so special to see her and catch up a tiny bit! Ava came home from school with a devotional book gifted to me from her dear teacher.

February 26, 2019 was feeling great today so spent the evening with my Miriam celebrating her and her birthday!! we went out to Duke's then did a bit of shopping before ending the evening with a stop at Sweet Frog!! the last 2 years her and I and our friend Karen have spent a week at Hilton Head together over this time, we were planning to do it again until my life went haywire, so it was special to be feeling good enough after the previous rough week.  

well must put lunch in the oven, Glen took the girls and went to church. Brandon just got in at 6ish this morning with his darling and they are both snoozing at the moment, will post my 4th chemo treatment on my next update......love and blessings to all and a huge thankyou for lack of something better, for all the love, prayers support and encouragement sent our way, we are so very grateful and blessed! GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!!

    

More Cancer Journaling and Worship Moments......

Good morning, it's 4 A.M. Monday March 4, 2019 I told my hubby last night I feel like I did when I was pregnant, either going to the bathroom or searching for that perfect morsel of food your craving, that apparently the world hasn't yet made, cause nothing is calling out to my hungry self saying, YES!!! you are just what my hollow steroid invaded body needs!! But, besides being extremely ravenous yet not really being enticed by much, I am feeling a bit quivery inside, not as in nauseous, just as in weak and wobbly, and a bit the same on the outside along with sweats and tired, but all in all it was a good weekend and I just tried to move little bits at a time and relax, praising God for no pain, or hemorrhoidal issues or anything all consuming at this point. the steroids also make sleep a bit of a challenge, so after going to the bathroom for the 5th time, (yes I counted) by 230 then laying there another 45 minutes wide awake, I decided to shower my bones and go in search of food and a nice cup of Spicy Chai Latte, thankyou Trader Joe, your warm delightful beverage hit the spot this early hour along with a onion cheese stuffed sausage and half a stale donut. side note, as annoying as the constant potty breaks are, in the day it gets me exercise and flushing, and in the middle of the night it means I'm still flushing out a lot of the med toxins etc. so I try to keep that in my head every time I got to uncurl from couch or dig out from my nightly nest, it's amazing how our mind works, if we can get it in our head that there's a reason and cause, we become more tolerable of annoyingly frustrating things, I've been trying to retrain myself to look at life more in this way than ever, it's a huge balm for the brain, to give it a boost towards positive and a swift boot to the negative, trust me, it's not an overnight fix and the negative is so ready to forge forward at the least little window of opportunity. If I'm not terribly out of my rest, I don't mind getting up early, before cancer, my day started between 430-5 so it has become a routine, I usually didn't have many quiet moments to myself though until Ava got on the bus at 620, normally I was getting my coffee and organizing her school clothes and bag and getting her breakfast in gear and water bottle ready then starting some breakfast for my men, but today due to weather she has a 2 hr. delay which id positively fabulous with me and I find myself loving these quiet moments alone. so, that was a long good morning just to get started than to reverse to my cancer journal update...….
January 31, 2019 I know, the earth and all that is in it needs rain and snow and positively gray and dreary and dull ugly days for things to grow and flourish and be sunshiny and green and alive by and by, but, I don't do gray, or dreary or dull...…. I am al about bold beautiful alive green lush happy sunshiny make me smile kind of life, and weather!!! but.....today....because of nasty weather like conditions, I am a bald happy gal, cause that means my dear husband had off work could take me for my 2nd chemo treatment and on a short date afterwards, so there is sunshine and roses through the gloom and raindrops at times!! we arrived safely and right on time, Glen said, lets have prayer before we go in, was so glad for that calming reassurance, once again I didn't realize how tense and slightly unnerved I actually was. The Dr. had told me after the first treatment that how I felt then should be the worst as far as side effects etc. so when she found out how well I was doing she was amazed and thrilled. yea, being a ginger, my body works on it's own set of rules and notions, so while it was great news then, only a week down the road everything turned, however, at that moment it was a miracle for us and we were basking in the fact that I had a good fairly uneventful two weeks from the first chemo dose to now, the 2nd!! Our visit at the dr. and my chemo infusions all went very well. our visit with the Dr. was positively astounding miraculous news!!! My blood pressure was perfect, my blood work was superb and the tumors are shrinking and responding well to the chemo, she was finding them smaller and harder to find and feel and its only been one intense treatment so far until todays dose!!!!! we were ecstatic and so in awe of God so very vividly going before us in this and so very grateful to everyone in our village, and tribe, and community and church and family and across the earth that has been holding us up and walking us through this!! we sat there in the infusion room filled with so much joy and peace and amazement and worship, we could absolutely feel God right there, it was so precious, still  makes me choke up just typing this all. it also makes me very aware how much I need to worship even when it's not sunshiny and it's bleak and life looks like it's a dead nothingness waiting to swallow me up!! My Henna art, I have been praying through this messy path to be a light for my Jesus however I can in this, to whomever I can, and my Henna art wasn't really what I would have thought would have triggered the open doors, I had two of my verses entwined into the design, more for my own reinforcement and needing to have God's word with me, but, the staff was so taken with it, and there was quite a few opportunities to explain what the verses said and meant to me and it touched my heart to see them with tears exclaiming how beautiful and precious that was and I got to share how much it meant that the one verse that became mine even before I came to their offices was then right there front and center in the reception area and I felt like it was God telling me that, yes, this is the right decision, this is where I need you at this time! I was so very thankful to have Glen with me to celebrate all these amazing God moments today, it just made it all more precious! I was also given the permission to enjoy 1-2 cups of coffee again each morning, as long as I still get in my 64oz or more of water, this would contribute to the earlier thoughts on the constant bathroom traipsing!! After we left the DR. we went and celebrated with a fabulous lunch at Duke's then did some furniture browsing for some decent working sofas, didn't really find much but enjoyed every moment together!!

I've never found a hospital gown anywhere that was a flattering fashion statement!! and pink!! I know, it's breast cancer's color, I don't care, still not a fan!! why not like happy lime green or cheery aqua or  something with smiley's or elephants or Hawaiian prints or.....I am thankful for these facilities and to be covered and for the fact that it's only temporary garb!! 

this is what the infusion room, or one angle of it looks like from my chair, or at least the spot I had that day, it's a gamble each visit as to what chair is open and which you will be assigned, unfortunately most days ALL the chairs around ALL 3 sides are mostly full.

my head was smoldering till I got to the Dr. this morning, so I left my beanie in the car, but, then in infusion room my chair was right under the air vent so Glen says wear my hat, I ready have it warmed up for you!! I was so grateful, he's my knight!!

one of my wonderfully capable beautiful chemo nurses. I am so taken aback every time I go, these nurses only have sunshine and smiles and will positively anything for us, that to me is beautiful, and makes me think of Jesus with skin, they see and deal with this ugliness every day and they still smile and treat us each as though there is no one more important in the world for them to care for no where they'd rather be!! 

ahhhhhh my handsome lunch date and biggest encourager and supporter, even though he can't be there every time!!

he was ravenous, and it did not disappoint!!

I was gonna write more on this one, but, I hear my men stirring for work, so am going to shut this down and pick up later with a new month and hopefully get it done so I can just update day by day or week by week rather than retracing my steps......good goals anyway.....this song I'll leave you with from my playlist......until later... GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!!