February 28, 2019 Went into today with a little bit of mixed emotions, am so very ready to get my treatment today and know it's the last of the 4 intense chemo regimen and we can move forward to the next step towards our end goal, however, was feeling a little anxiety knowing that in taking todays meds meant that given a few days and the crash will come and I'm gonna feel very much like a beached whale, confined to my couch, feeling exhausted and weary and in an uncomfortable heap wondering where all the air and freedom of movement and daily living moved to. I armed myself with accessories that spoke life and had front and center reminders of who was going before me and who I had to rely on and newly acquired comfy socks from my Anna and mentally buoyed myself up to this I could do and it was going to be another step forward to the end goal with amazing results and it was going to be a good day in spite of!!
Paula arrived to chauffer me bringing with her freezer meals from her and her lovely sister Sonya, so very special and such a great feeling as I walk out the door for another day away from home knowing there will be a delicious warm filling meal waiting for my people in spite of me being MIA!! We arrived at the cancer center and got checked in then off for blood draws, then on to meeting and examination with Dr. Lee. She was thrilled with discovering the tumors are very successfully being annihilated, she said they are all but gone, she can only feel a tiny, almost non existent bit of something yet!!! We were so excited to hear that, it makes the crappy feeling days feel like they are not all in vain and a tad bit more bearable!! Another thing she was sharing with us and I truly consider a miracle is that she has been amazed how fabulous my bloodwork has been and that all along my WBC (white blood count) has been really, really good, and me being anemic, or borderline there, most of my life, to the point I cannot even donate blood, that level has been super, to the point of very little traces to almost nonexistent anemia levels!!! Was a wonderful rainbow moment through this whole storm to see another miracle, and to hear her acknowledge her pleasure in picking up on that too!! She did have some thoughts about the next regimen of treatment and said though most woman find this next phase to be almost a breeze there is the chance that I could be 1 in a few that would react to it so they will start me on it being prepared to do what is necessary to counter act and handle the reaction should it occur, that left me feeling a bit anxious, back to that being a ginger and all and reacting opposite a lot of times to stuff, and if I have it right that could determine whether it gets drawed out over 24 weeks versus 12, she did say to that though most woman feel this round is a breeze compared to the first, it can be accumulative and exhaustion and joint pain etc can sometimes hit and set in for a bit around th 6-8 week mark......which would put us at the soonest at wedding weekend, so I'm having to fight off a bit of panic and worry there too. Moved on from the exam to infusion unit for my chemo drip. while sitting there waiting for all the meds to run their course and chatting to Paula in our semi private room, this vibrant, neat as pin, lady comes in for a blood draw and starts chatting it up with the nurses, and you could tell by her actions and animated conversation she was well known there and appreciated and not at all new to this circus. I giggled to myself earlier as I watched her and saw her lean in and whisper audibly how she was making plans for a trip in the fall with family, "for her big 7-0" not that she's broadcasting that or anything!! ;) as she finished with her blood draw, she stood up, neatly adjusted her colorful garb, patted her short beautifully cropped and styled hair and gazed around the room at the circle of full infusion chairs and silently took in all the patients each in their own little tuned out to those around them, bubble, then gathered her purse and headed for the door. I watched her, something about her determination and joy for life and being alive was shining on her face and it fascinated me, and as she got to my door, I caught her eye and smiled with a hello, she returned the favor, then as she passed my door, she stopped, backed up and popped in and said, hi, my name is......wait for it..... GINGER!! :) I giggled and was like, I should remember that, I'm a GINGER!! well not that anyone can believe that right now as I'm glaringly hairless, but, my name is Janette, or Nettie as everyone here call me, and I'm truly a GINGER! She laughed and said, you are beautiful and to see you smiling, I thought I need to come introduce myself and tell you I am, as of September, cancer free for 1 year and I fought this for 5 years and I have decided that this place has become like home to me and I want to now be there for others going through this, so I am working at being able to come in here and sit with or be there for theses ladies, and I want to be able to speak life and encouragement and even prayer, I would like to fill somewhat of a ministerial/pastor like roll because I know that faith and prayer in this type of journey is so very important. I told her I thought that was fabulous and totally agreed with her, she then breezed out in all her gingery sunshiny-ness almost as fast as she came in promising to keep me in her thoughts and prayers!! it was a weirdly beautiful few moments and has brought many smiles and wonderings to where she is, what she is doing, and how her goals were progressing since then!! when my chemo was all in, Nurse Stacy, my breast cancer navigator, popped in with a schedule and info on the next regimen and chain of events. I came away feeling she was far more encouraging and positive on the thought that it would be a much easier doable treatment than the first and she felt I would do well with it. We asked her if that meant the meds were not as intense or what all that means. she said, oh no, the meds are every bit as targeting, intense and successful at getting rid of the cancer, it's that it's a much less invasive and cruel treatment as far as side effects to the body and daily living, at least for the majority of woman, and she said, I know we've discussed weight and frustration with that as far as gaining and feeling like we wish we'd be smaller etc but honestly, you are healthy and the blessing of having a bit extra is that you have something to fall back on and sustain you through those periods of to exhausted to eat or no appetite moments and as far as having strength, and not immediately crumbling to a weak, undernourished and almost helpless state, she said, I by no means feel you are highly overweight or have anything go worry about in that area, but we see a lot of patients that come in being all about extreme health and are toothpick-ish and as soon as the first major round hits they are done and end up hospitalized because they have no reserve, so I want you to focus on that, you are extremely healthy except for the fact of this unwanted foreign body that took up residence in you that you couldn't have had any control over had you even wanted to, except if I would have said, hey, there's a lot of cancer through out my family, I'm going to take out a loan and go have a full blood panel drawn to see what are the chances. I felt really very encouraged and like the weeks ahead felt far more approachable than they had been looking, but, still have to, some moments more than others, keep the dark thoughts and the devils sly ways of sneaking in doubts and panic, shredded and tossed aside or I could quickly feel like I'm staring at a tsunami headed my way at other worldly speeds!! after we were discharged and sent on our way, Paula and I did some random shopping and took a much needed lunch break at Red Robin.
while I was away doing the necessary medical routine, there was Voni and Vera, 2 very special sister in laws of mine voluntarily cleaning my house! It was a really fabulous feeling walking in the door to a fresh lovely smell of cleaned house, it must have been bothering me a bit more than I thought cause it felt like I had a bit of a load lifted that I hadn't realized was even there!! they even put a meal in the fridge and fresh flowers on the table, so very special!!
March 2, 2019 today all my people went off for another Saturday work day, leaving Ava and I with the house to ourselves!! Mar and Rosene and Miss Bella came by for a wonderful time of catching up bringing with them a delicious Chai Tea Latte.
March 3, 2019 was feeling a bit extra tired this morning and not very energetic so opted to stay home from church, while Glen and the girls went, and get lunch and relax. Maryann sent a delicious addition of fresh rolls home with them for lunch, felt the love in every bite!
March 4, 2019 today was the reality of what I thought yesterday might be happening and the crash of treatment set in, I hit the couch after getting Ava on the bus with 2 hour delay, and didn't move to far to fast the rest of the day! Sophia Faith!!!a new beautiful niece was added to the family by Mar and Rosene, was so thrilled to know this was behind them and she was safely here and there's new life to snuggle and love on and some amazing little miracle to give me something to think about!!
March 5, 2019 cannot bring myself to do much besides exist. it's such a hard feeling to really articulate for someone as to how I really feel. a very much exhausted almost out of body experience!! it could feel like every lethargic cell and marrow is on high alert and twitchy, which maybe in the end kind of is and also then contributes to the intense tired and worn out??!! I tell myself, it's ok, just a few days of hibernation, we can do this, sleep, sit, lay, blanket on, nope off, off, off, noooowwww!!! ahhhhh, wait, is that a breeze, burr, chill, where the blazes is my blanket, ahh there, mmmmm, sleep, 10 minutes, potty break, so tired, so hot, can't sleep, but so want to sleep, then......ooooo crud, full body heartbeat in every cell and my nails, the slightest pressure is torture, feels like I jammed them and they will all come unglued!! I can do this, it's small inconveniences and pains for a short season.....but....every day feels like 3.... finally, time for bed, another day done, lets get to the next closer to the end goal..... but...the fiery throbbing litter box and the stabbing razors.....your kind of rocking the bed, mmmmhmmm it's been my life long coping mechanism with pain, close my eyes, and rock or shake a leg, bounce something cause somehow it takes the pain focus away, makes it not so front and center.....finally move to couch with ice packs and advil after seeing at least half of every other hour...…
March 6, 2019 another day, another day closer to the end.....Ava's off to school.....couch here I come....litter box still wants full attention, doesn't even get a break, on steroids so appetite is always on high alert for the next mouthful of something fabulous.....soaking in a sitz bath, much better, time to get out, can't breath to hot, my bed, yup looks amazing, goodbye world once again.....blessed sleep for awhile, then, maybe I should make myself move and try and act like I am bigger than this and just say to myself, get up you'll be good, wash your face show this pain and exhaustion whose boss.....mmmmmm cant. want. to. move...… and then, there's a knock on the door, I move, I open the door....it's my Paula, she comes in bearing all the craved comfort food and hugs, says, go get back in bed, then crawls right on the other side and says, sleep or eat or talk to me, I have like and hr and half or so, but I needed to check on you and be with you a little through the misery...….get yourself a bestie like her...….best therapy ever!! Oh and the bologna, baby swiss, Cheetos and ginger ale were pure delightful comfort!! got me to refocus my from my pain and I slept great after she left for a short nap!!
while napping, a gorgeous bouquet was delivered from our dear friends at Blue Mountain BIC so very special, brightened up my world when I finally got my body in gear and willing to move to the lower living level!!
March 7, 2019 woke up this morning feeling like, I think I'm going to be great and today we're going to get outta this crash point, and I so wanted to go snuggle my new niece, could hardly have it that it's been a couple days since she made her grand entrance to our world and I haven't snuggled her yet, but till lunch time rolled around the litter box pain seemed like it was going to be manageable but the weariness and limp, noodly feeling was back and to think of making a jaunt across town felt huge and overwhelming so I snuggled in my bed and shut out life once again.
this week, again, in the middle of all my down, weary days my mailbox was overflowing with love and care in the cards and notes and letters, every time I open one, I feel like a hug was hand delivered from heaven and the post man, it's a precious, warm fuzzy feeling and I'm thankful for everyone of you!! well, I have one more post on my surgery consult appointments, before I get to my update then on today's appt, but I must stop and head off to my 1st appointment of the next regimen of 12, if you read this and get a moment, I would love prayers for calm and no anxiety and to be a light in spite of the unknowns and for God's grace and mercy that I wouldn't have a reacation, blessings dear friends!! GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!!
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