Happy Dances

I have so many updates to put on here, and so many started, but, between just grabbing ALL the moments i can with my kiddos and family, plus, having numb or tingly digits, i haven’t been able to get caught up and keep caught up on updates and all that’s going on here. But, i do so appreciate all the constant love and support from all of my “fans” that have been faithfully supporting and praying and loving and carrying me through this mess, whether you are family, friend, tribal member, one of my medical team and caretakers or a passing acquaintance following along, it all means the world to me and to my family!! In the last day suddenly i feel like i’ve Ridden the roller coaster at full speed to suddenly be slammed to a halt, and as my niece said, ALL the lights at the end of this tunnel are in view!! Trust me, i am by no means complaining, i long to get back to a normal of sorts, to pre-cancer, and just live fully, painlessly, appointmentless each day!! I wanna run away with my hubby for a time and with my kiddos and make up for the past half year i’ve felt a bit cheated out of. Anyway, a brief update on the last 2 weeks, and no, just cause i’m skipping ahead and giving a now update doesn’t mean i’ve forgotten or am skipping all the updates since my last post, i’m Gonna need to post all that for my own “diary” documentation and sanity at some point but for now, it’s present day!!
So, July 12 was my double mastectomy surgery......it’s been 2 weeks of a lot of running and many appointments since. The surgery went good, the pain since has been constant though thankfully not unbearable, am super excited to have all 4 drain tubes out after almost 2 weeks of sleeping in basically one position, elevated on my back, and having to strip tubes and measure fluid. Today is ovarian surgery, a chance it could be out patient, but going with a one night stay bag in tow in case. I met with my cancer dr. On Tuesday, love, my Dr. Lee!! She was over the moon with my pathology report!! the large marginal area round the tumor site they tested is cancer clear, the 3 lymph nodes they biopsies are cancer clear and the only remaining bit of tumor was like 3ml worth. She says no radiation at this point and i don’t need to see her for another 3 months. They are still waiting on a few test results to get back and if they come back as she’s hoping i can then go get my medi port removed!!!. So.....it’s almost time for me to head to the next surgery, but thankyou everyone for your prayers and support, these happy news results and times of celebration are because of prayers being answered!! Don’t have time to post my song, gotta run!!!

Joyful Noise

Noise, there is so much noise around us every day, trying to drown out our rest, our peace, and that still small voice of our Heavenly Father. Noise, pulling us away from the important, the priorities of our life, our days, and distracting us from tuning into the important voices, songs, and life moments. Pain, is one of the loudest noises I know, demanding front and center attention, interrupting and talking over, dominating and controlling, whether it's physical, emotional, mental or even grief pain. Pain tends to drown out and take my focus off of anything else important in my life, causing life as I know it to halt, except for the revolving around the pain at hand. This past half a year I have had to make myself face the pain head on and declare war, choosing to consciously box the pain and shelve it at the back of my mind and not give it free rein and power over my days, otherwise, I want to stay curled in a fetal ball and lay festering in it. Some days the choice to rise above it and go on with life is an hourly refocus and resetting of my mind and will power to rise above it and do the next thing. The pain noise is excruciatingly loud at times, and the mental, and emotional will power is on E, and I want to give in to thoughts of, I don't deserve this, and allow myself to wallow in pity and be miserable, cause, after all I didn't ask for this and now I have to deal with all this, so I should be doted on, and fawned over, and the desire to feel entitled to being served, and waited on, and coddled, is strong, cause after all the pain is screaming and I shouldn't really have to move at all, and, well, it would just be much easier to let the pain have the stage, and give into it's neediness with a steady round of applause and be it's willing audience, and allow myself to camp out there, and believe me, there were days I gave in to that, and the struggle is still not over, however, the demands only get bigger and the noise becomes deafening and I find myself beyond miserable and creating an atmosphere around me of grumpiness and misery! I recently came across this word and it's meaning, or at least one of it's meanings, and it hasn't left my vision, when the pain starts ampping up and drowning out, I see this word and I so long to live every facet of my life in this place, in this word and it's definition.

The road ahead still looks daunting, with surgeries and recoveries and more pain, but I so want to gaze ahead, peering through clear, sunshine filled lenses, and not, smudged, gray and dreary spectacles, and to remember, when the next storm hits, that I have been given an umbrella of hope, and freedom in my heavenly Father, and to know confidently no matter how loud and unsettling the storm, He's got this, He's hot me, He's bigger than any of it and in control, and no matter what mud and puddles I find myself having to slosh through in life, I don't have to wade through them miserable and alone, and to remember the rainy, painful season is just that, only a season, and that on the other side there's sunshine and rainbows waiting, after all, every storm runs outta rain at some point! 

    There were so many days my faith and my body was weak, and I would wonder if I could go to one more treatment, and I would think maybe, I'll just stop, this is to much, and I'm just so done with it all, and I can't find the energy or gumption to care about moving, let alone getting up and about and ready to drive an hour for another long day of exams and infusions. At the beginning of it all I remember thinking, how in this world am I going to be able to get through this, it looks huge and overwhelming and not at all doable, and the 6 months stretched on for an eternity, and now, it's over, all the chemo treatments are over and here we are 6 months later still standing!! A bit disheveled and bowed over and wilted and withered and still battling through side effects and with random EKG appointments and pre-ops and blood-works, and surgeries to go, but, STILL STANDING!!!!!! There's a quote just this week I read from one of my devotionals that absolutely rings true to me...."IF GOD IS CALLING YOU OUT, HE'LL HOLD YOU UP!!" I am so very grateful for the many hours, days, moments, when God held me up, even in those times when He felt distant and silent, and I felt alone, I know it was only by His faithfulness and grace that I was able to pick myself up and move forward, even if it was at sloth pace, or by sending my people along to step in, and alongside and offer help and love and encouragement, He always showed up to hold me up!
GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!!!!

Stranger Blessing

May 20, 2019 I took Em to work and while there did some much needed grocery shopping. while in the freezer/fridge section Ava was bouncing around trying to stay warm while also begging for whatever caught her fancy. I saw an older white ponytailed bearded man watching her and glancing at me off and on, so as I got closer I said, excuse us sir, then, sorry, as I pulled her outta the way of slamming into his cart. He said, no, ma'am, she's just fine, but, may I ask, are you in treatment? I said, yes, actually I am, to which he replied, can I please say something too you in my own language?? I was like, uuummmm sure!! so He proceeded to rattle off something which he then explained was a Cherokee Blessing, and said, it means, No matter how hard, God is going to get you all the way through this!! I LOVED THAT!!!! He said, I know nothing about this path your on is easy, and I said, no, your right it's not, and he replys, but thankfully we have a God, someone higher we can turn to! I said, Amen, that makes all the difference. we exchanged a few more brief words and I said, I take it your a bit familiar with this path and he said yes unfortunately, I didn't get any more details than that as what I suspect was his grown son walked up just then, but he turned back to me briefly and asked, can I please have your first name so I can remember you in my prayers?? I  gave it to him and thanked him for having the courage to reach out and bless me that it meant so much. I love God ordained meetings and moments like that, just when life feels beyond heavy, He gives us front and center signs of hope and encouragement!! I also got a lovely card and note from dear Lucy from church, she always has the loveliest words of encouragement, having been through this herself.
May 23, 2019 Today was My Beffy's turn to chauffer, we had a lovely time together and got lunch and did a few errands. we also met a lovely new gal there going through the same thing and her bouncy upbeat attitude and humor was so refreshing!! was so great to see someone else that was going through it fighting hard and not let it get the best of her!! My large digit on my left foot has been swollen heated and feels like it's been in a vice for days so I showed it to my nurse who said to another nurse come look and when they inspected it they saw a heart beat under the nail and said this needs attention so I was prescribed an antibiotic and sent to a podiatrist on my way home, who looked at it and said this needs to be opened and the nail removed and then numbed it and proceeded to hack off most of the nail, was absolutely not a fun experience but definitely made the pressure go away. I was told along with the antibiotic to soak in salt water and to put iodine on it.

Friday May 24, 2019 today my Paula took me to meet with the plastic surgeon about reconstruction when I have surgery in July. My hips and shin bones and knees have been quite painful and achy and that along with the rubbish toe made walking a bit weird and felt like I was lumbering along with a hitch in my giddy up but we got it done. wow, we always warn our daughters never to be sending anyone or even taking for that matter pics of themselves in their birthday suit never dreamt i'd have to have my own little photo shoot from the waist up for this whole procedure along with measurings and much talk of how all this will be and what size and how long the recovery and to shower or not to shower and the drain tube situation that goes along with it and on and on. it came away feeling in some ways a lot was cleared up and not quite as mountainous and other ways it all look's huge and long but we will get through it and don't have to dwell on it until the time arrives. When we left there we grabbed lunch did a bit of shopping then treated ourselves to smoothies begore heading home!!

GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!!!

Coming Down The Home Stretch

May 16, 2019 Chemo #10 Laura my wonderful heart sister was my chauffer today!! Praise The Lord for great counts and tumor is very much gone and we're coming down the home stretch!!! Counts were good enough that I don't have to run for any more injections at this point. I do need to schedule for Ovarian surgery and Plastic surgery consult as well as a follow up echocardiogram. After treatment we treated ourselves to some amazing true Italian pizza and a few errands before heading home. It was a gorgeous day out and was sad to spend so much of it indoors but thankful to be in an infusion room with windowed walls!!

 Got a sweet surprise in the mail from Cordell and Beth, the perfect book of encouragement and love!

 my nails have been extra painful and oozy, makes doing any kind of activity excruciating, but, when I'm not sleeping I try to keep doing what I can around the house, though it doesn't usually feel like I accomplish that much, but, it's ok, it'll all be waiting for me to get to it when this is all over!!

May 18, 2019 after running Em to work I was almost home and I spotted this Bald Eagle sitting in a tree, I ran home for my camera and was able to get quite a few shots of it's majestic beauty, was thrilled to have spotted it and watched it a bit as it soared. this evening we got outta the house and went to Wayne and Miriam's for a pizza party. Was so refreshing to sit outside and enjoy the gorgeous weather and just relax with dear friends!

May 19, 2019 today after church we had a small cookout with Gary and Paula and Josie for lunch. Ava has been begging to go to the park with her bff, Josie and finally it was a day of sunshine and nothing else going, we had a short but splendid time just kicking back together!! In the evening we went a 30th Anniversary celebration for Glen's brother Gene and Voni, was great to honor them and be with family for a bit. A short thunderstorm came through and we were gifted a gorgeous double rainbow, I only got pics of one part but still was a beautiful reminder of hope and to keep pressing on!!

God Is In Her, She Will Not Fall!!!!!!

Chemo #9

       "YOU CAN'T CHOOSE YOUR SEASON, BUT YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR SONG"
One of my devotional sights had this thought the other day and I keep mulling over it, because it's so true, and because it brought me up short on the fact that to often if I'm not whining about my struggles, then I'm just silent, and instead of either of those I should be choosing worship and praise in spite of, but, the reality is, it is beyond hard to not only choose to sing, but when there is pain constantly at the for front of all movement and breathing, to choose to sing with a smile and with gratefulness, even if, because at the end of the day, I still have a voice, and breath, and have conquered with God's mercy and grace, yet another day, another day closer to the end of this battle, this season!!
May 9, 2019 Chemo treatment #9 Today my beautiful niece Kate was my chauffer. was very special to have a day together as it is a rare occasion just the 2 of us hang out. my counts were still a bit low so the Dr. wants the injections to continue. For some reason this time around about 45 minutes till the end of infusion I reacted to something and got intense low back pain, they kept an eye on it and when I stood to move around to go to the bathroom it lessened somewhat, but I was sent home with instructions to be tuned into it and if it would get worse or feel it's not leaving anytime soon I need to call in and consult with the Dr. Pretty much till I got home and rested a bit it went away. They have been putting cooling socks with ice packs on my feet also during infusion and that has helped tremendously with not only the neuropathy, but also with the restless twitchy legs during infusion!!

This evening was sharing sister night at church. Miranda and I went together, it's one time I am thankful for a bag of fresh steroids, there's usually no sleep in sight after a treatment, so I was still wide awake and able to take in the evening and enjoyed every minute of it. We had delicious soups and breads and Charcuterie boards of delightful bits of this and that!! The talk was on friendships and angels and answered prayers. This was the dessert board I signed up to take.

May 10, 2019 Today after work Em took me and I did a few errands than went for my injection. It was a massive down pour as we left Kohl's so she didn't feel comfortable driving so I did, I tell you chemo brain is definitely a thing, and driving is not the best thing for one with that affliction to do. she was planning to be my designated driver the entire trip but with the deluge of rain then the stop and go traffic on 81 her nerves and only 6 month driving left her feeling a bit quaky so I thought I could manage, thankfully those angels we heard about last evening are very real and present and probably keep us from harm and danger far oftener than we know, but, suddenly I was jolted awake to find myself crossed over the yellow lines on a curve on Steeltown  road headed straight for the guide rails, there was a semi behind me but no one thankfully coming the other way and I was able to pull myself back together and continue home, very much wide awake at that point, though Em continued to doze. I had to admit that as hard as it is to rely on others who are busy and have a life this is why they say no driving is recommended, and to bring someone with you for that, made me extremely grateful all over again for my tribe, my lovely support group of willing chauffeurs and helpers!!  

May 11, 2019 today we spent a good part of the day meandering through the Mother's day event I had hoped to set up at this year, there was lots of beautiful crafts and small businesses and yummy food. there was also lots of friends to catch up with and hang out with. After we left Glen took me to my cousins nursery and picked out a tree for mother's day for the front corner of the house, it was a beautiful native smoke tree. 

May 12, 2019 Happy Mother's Day!!!!! Today my sister Angie had the whole family over for the day, we were hoping to get a family picture taken but it poured rain all day, but we still had a lovely time being together. I so enjoyed hanging out in the rocking chair just lovin' on my niece Sophia, I don't get to snuggle her as often as I'd like with my schedule and exhaustion so it felt good to eat her up a bit. Am so thankful to still have my mama for mother's day, it's almost 25 years since her brain aneurysm, and so thankful my sister Angie was able to host mother's day, it's going on 2 years since her brain aneurysm, and I'm beyond thankful to be mama to one married, one in heaven one about to drive solo and one about to graduate kindergarten, talk about livin' life on all spectrums!! 

May 13, 2019 today was another injection day, and as tired as I am of the dreary rainy days, today I was very grateful, cause it brought my hubby home from work early and allowed him to take me for my appointment, while Brandon saw that Em got picked up from her Keystone exams and delivered  to work and Ava was cared for till we got home. 

May 14, 2019 today was a girls day for our tribe at Laura's, with movies and doughnuts and a  delicious lunch and soaking up all being together for a rare few hours. we all decided it needs to happen oftener for the sake of all our sanities, what a tremendous blessing to have real heart friends in ones corner!!

 God Is In Her, She Will Not Fall!!!!!

Chemo # 8

So many storms blowing through here lately, so much rain!! I'm all about sitting on my front porch or patio and watching a spring storm send down some gentle showers and then the sun and the birds go crazy afterwards or take in a summer thunderstorm, but this continuing high wind and down pours every day can get a bit much, I feel a little needy of the sunshine's vitamin D and to much dreary and rainy sets in the blue mood fairly easily and quickly. But on the bright side, it looks like a jungly rain forest around here, I do love all the lush many shades of green!! And as in the storms we get faced with in life, they do pass, eventually and the sun returns again and makes us a bit more appreciative of it when it does!!
  May 1-8, 2019 Ahhhhh finally, it worked out on both our ends and my Susan was able to get away for a visit!! We had such a lovely time catching up and then going for lunch and a tour through Chambersburg through her old college day stomping grounds and then ice cream!! It was such an absolutely delightful much needed day together!!
May 2, 2019 Chemo Treatment #8 My Miranda was my chauffer today, we had a lovely time together for the circumstances. Before we went in, she wrapped her arms around me and prayed so beautifully, was wondering later if she could tell I was a bit edgy, I feel like this whole thing will go on forever, but, amazing how the love and prayers from a dear friend can bring peace and calm! later, She so kindly took a drive across the highway and grabbed lunch and brought it up to the infusion room for us to eat together, afterwards we did a little shopping before heading home. These treatment days sure go easier when accompanied by besties to pass time with!! My blood counts were a bit low, so that means running back twice a week for Nuepogen shots.

May 3, 2019 I started going back to work till lunch time several mornings a week, I am usually pretty much ready for a nap when I'm done even though the work isn't that hard, but want to give it a try, maybe the being around people doing something normal will help keep the moods a bit more upbeat and not make the weeks feel so long. After work this morning I went home and had some lunch and rested a bit then took myself to the cancer center for my Nuepogen injection, it's probably not a great idea for me to drive myself, I can tell my nerves and alertness are not what they should be and the fighting to stay awake while behind the wheel isn't fun. 

Monday the 6th was another injection day after work, am again so thankful for my besties that are close by and help out with all my crazy schedules, I took myself again for my injection while Laura saw that Em got to work and Ava had a place to stay till Glen got her on his way home from work!

Tuesday May 7 My Mary Ann found her way over the mountain and through the woods to my back patio for the day!! We started out with a run for groceries together to the local bent and dent then just soaked up the sunshine and catching up with each other, it was a fantabulous time as usual. Then Laura made an unexpectedly delightful stop by for a brief visit and to deliver some delicious pretzel sandwiches.

I was surprised with 2 gift deliveries this week also, a scentsy wiff box from my cousin Betsy which was an absolute delight, some of the products were totally new to me and it all smelled amazing, was so very special and thoughtful. And my dear friend Anna from church delivered some yummy smelling bath soak and chocolates, so perfectly comforting!!

  this week the side affects seemed extra rough, maybe it's because of low counts and not being able to fight it off quite as good cause the immune system is struggling to stay on top to I don't know, but, the neuropathy in my hands and feet were pretty intense and the oozing nails were extremely painful, didn't really want to do much for fear of bumping them no matter what I did. I also developed a weird skin twitchiness around my eye, it's like a nerve gone wild and is highly annoying to be constantly on the twitch along with a semi numb-ish face back by my ears and top lip and an unexpected crop of hair along my jawline and chin, like, what? did you not get the memo the rest of my hair all said goodbye, so why are you suddenly making an appearance where you aren't even supposed to be?? But.....then I remind myself, I still have so much to be thankful for despite these annoying pains and inconveniences, and, through all these treatments so far I've never had to miss one as of yet because of to low of counts or sickness, and, well, this to shall pass!!
         GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FAIL!!

Continuing On, One Day At A Time.....

 Letting go..... I think this is one of the biggest and scariest and most frustrating thoughts to face in life, but also feeling like God is trying to get me to be ok with that very idea and totally trust He has it figured out and roll with life!! I feel like I've had to give up and let go of everything big, small and in between since December. I've had to release everything from insignificant to grand scale, and it has been super hard and at times annoying, and sometimes the anger over it all wants to rise up and rule. And even writing this and saying it out loud feels like I'm whining or having a pity party or being super selfish and that is not at all what I want to do or portray, but just venting my heart and being real. A Cancer Diagnosis and the dealing with the outcome and treatment of it takes over and becomes front and center of every waking moment and decision. one can't make plans far in advance or if one does, one must always tack on the end of the commitment, providing I feel good enough and have the energy. It was hard to give up a family trip west to have the wedding around here, I've dreamed of it for years, but, was so happy to be at my sons wedding and their insistence it be held locally instead, though I know it wasn't what was planned either, or even heartily supported by some. I feel like I've had to miss out on so much of Ava's kindergarten year cause, I'm sorry, Honey, but, mommy has treatment or injections or...…. I was looking forward to setting up a baked food stand at a local mother's day event but finally faced reality that it wasn't gonna happen, the energy level was at a very low and the painful oozing finger nails wouldn't allow the work to get done even if. Then there's spring and summer soon coming and camping season, and I kept thinking about if it wasn't for me the family would have a couple campings under our belt for the year already. And just the daily movings about and doings in a day, a week, and all that I miss doing or don't have the stamina for and am instead found sleeping on the couch. Emily has been a huge help, but I feel like I've had to ask her to shoulder more than she should have to, and re-arrange her schedule far to often. I feel like I've had to let go of the very person I've become and was created and try and learn to be ok with a whole new me, a whole new body and look and shape. Breast Cancer victims, To beat this we must give up all manner of ones hair and womanliness and body parts inside and out, along with any shred of privacy and dignity we thought we may have been holding dear and sacred. And a Brazilian wax, I never even entertained the thought or dreamed of one day acquiring one, well, it was gifted without my consent at the pretty price of chemo versus cancer along with eyebrows and eyelashes and nose and ear filters!! I Am trying so hard to learn and practice being a Paul, and, IN WHATSOEVER STATE I AM TO BE CONTENT!! I find it is my front and center battlefield EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! I find myself fretting often, will I ever be able to walk up the stairs again without stopping halfway because I'm out of breath and my knees are hurting and aching? Will I one day again walk to the end of the lane to get Ava off the bus, and not feel like collapsing in a shaky legged heap? Will I be able to pick up something from the counter or tie a shoe without my finger tips and nails feeling tortured and leaking? Will I know what it's like to walk without my feet feeling numb and tingly or my toe nails feeling squeezed and oozy?? Will I be able to blow my nose without it bleeding EVERY SINGLE TIME?? Will I be able to go to the bathroom without feeling like I have a UTI?? will I be able to snuggle my niece while she sleeps without my arms getting sore and shaky?? My friend Beth told me something one day that hasn't left my thoughts and I try and envision myself in my pink boxing gloves taking center stage and battling on cause this is in fact only a season, she said, "the comedian/pastor, Mark Lowry, says, his favorite Bible verse is.....AND IT CAME TO PASS" that's it, not the rest of the verse, whichever verse it was, but just that!! it took me two seconds, then I was like, oooooohhhh I get it, and, I like it, no, I love it!! and I'm gonna steal it!!! Another words, for those that might need more than 2 seconds :) It came, to pass.....It Came, but, it's not staying, it's gonna pass!! It came, I have to deal with it, buut, it's gonna pass, not be here forever, only a season, maybe an eternally long feeling season some days, but, still, a passing season!! So, I know, not extremely profound, and something I should have been able to figure out, and yet absolutely profound and rather comforting, even if I do still have to wake each day and reiterate that thought every hour, with boxing gloves in place, look out you ugly cancer beast, YOU CAME, TO PASS, YOU ARE NOT STAYING, NOT ON MY WATCH!! GOD IS IN ME, YOU, CANCER, WILL FALL, I WILL NOT FALL!
April 22-30, 2019 this week I crashed, wedding is over, house is empty, no details and prep work to do, I crashed, on my couch, for days!! Could not get enough sleep or find enough energy to do much else. between running on adrenaline working towards the wedding and the fact that I was told this treatment can be accumulative and catch up with ones body about half way I wasn't totally surprised I felt as unmotivated and motionless as I did, I was mostly just fine sitting or sleeping and when I did think of all that awaited me in my house to clean or wash or organize, I kept telling myself that tomorrow or next week or next month or even year it would all still be there waiting my attention. None of it was that important to stress over, we live here, it'll get messy and disorganized and it's ok, it means there is life here and loved ones in and out!!
Thursday April 25, 2019 treatment #7 My dear Beth was my chauffer and side kick today. We were blessed with a gorgeous rainbow as we made our way to the cancer center, a great reminder we are not alone and there is hope and strength to keep moving on. My pic of it out a moving car window doesn't do it justice, but still had to try!

Snail mail felt extra special and needed this week, the dark and depressing wanted to crowd in and run rampant pretty quick. And I even had a few voicemails, one from dear Lucy from church and another from my dear Aunt RuthAnne, both filled with love and prayers and strong words of life and encouragement, that means ever so much and is so very comforting and I'm grateful every time someone leaves a message rather than hanging up at the beep, I'm not a phone conversationalist, but, that long with trying to live more in the moment and my surroundings rather than be attached to my phone I don't always get the calls. was also glad for a family ladies day at my nieces place just for fun, it's been a long time since we did that!! 

 

GOD IS IN HER SHE WILL NOT FALL!!