Letting go..... I think this is one of the biggest and scariest and most frustrating thoughts to face in life, but also feeling like God is trying to get me to be ok with that very idea and totally trust He has it figured out and roll with life!! I feel like I've had to give up and let go of everything big, small and in between since December. I've had to release everything from insignificant to grand scale, and it has been super hard and at times annoying, and sometimes the anger over it all wants to rise up and rule. And even writing this and saying it out loud feels like I'm whining or having a pity party or being super selfish and that is not at all what I want to do or portray, but just venting my heart and being real. A Cancer Diagnosis and the dealing with the outcome and treatment of it takes over and becomes front and center of every waking moment and decision. one can't make plans far in advance or if one does, one must always tack on the end of the commitment, providing I feel good enough and have the energy. It was hard to give up a family trip west to have the wedding around here, I've dreamed of it for years, but, was so happy to be at my sons wedding and their insistence it be held locally instead, though I know it wasn't what was planned either, or even heartily supported by some. I feel like I've had to miss out on so much of Ava's kindergarten year cause, I'm sorry, Honey, but, mommy has treatment or injections or...…. I was looking forward to setting up a baked food stand at a local mother's day event but finally faced reality that it wasn't gonna happen, the energy level was at a very low and the painful oozing finger nails wouldn't allow the work to get done even if. Then there's spring and summer soon coming and camping season, and I kept thinking about if it wasn't for me the family would have a couple campings under our belt for the year already. And just the daily movings about and doings in a day, a week, and all that I miss doing or don't have the stamina for and am instead found sleeping on the couch. Emily has been a huge help, but I feel like I've had to ask her to shoulder more than she should have to, and re-arrange her schedule far to often. I feel like I've had to let go of the very person I've become and was created and try and learn to be ok with a whole new me, a whole new body and look and shape. Breast Cancer victims, To beat this we must give up all manner of ones hair and womanliness and body parts inside and out, along with any shred of privacy and dignity we thought we may have been holding dear and sacred. And a Brazilian wax, I never even entertained the thought or dreamed of one day acquiring one, well, it was gifted without my consent at the pretty price of chemo versus cancer along with eyebrows and eyelashes and nose and ear filters!! I Am trying so hard to learn and practice being a Paul, and, IN WHATSOEVER STATE I AM TO BE CONTENT!! I find it is my front and center battlefield EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! I find myself fretting often, will I ever be able to walk up the stairs again without stopping halfway because I'm out of breath and my knees are hurting and aching? Will I one day again walk to the end of the lane to get Ava off the bus, and not feel like collapsing in a shaky legged heap? Will I be able to pick up something from the counter or tie a shoe without my finger tips and nails feeling tortured and leaking? Will I know what it's like to walk without my feet feeling numb and tingly or my toe nails feeling squeezed and oozy?? Will I be able to blow my nose without it bleeding EVERY SINGLE TIME?? Will I be able to go to the bathroom without feeling like I have a UTI?? will I be able to snuggle my niece while she sleeps without my arms getting sore and shaky?? My friend Beth told me something one day that hasn't left my thoughts and I try and envision myself in my pink boxing gloves taking center stage and battling on cause this is in fact only a season, she said, "the comedian/pastor, Mark Lowry, says, his favorite Bible verse is.....AND IT CAME TO PASS" that's it, not the rest of the verse, whichever verse it was, but just that!! it took me two seconds, then I was like, oooooohhhh I get it, and, I like it, no, I love it!! and I'm gonna steal it!!! Another words, for those that might need more than 2 seconds :) It came, to pass.....It Came, but, it's not staying, it's gonna pass!! It came, I have to deal with it, buut, it's gonna pass, not be here forever, only a season, maybe an eternally long feeling season some days, but, still, a passing season!! So, I know, not extremely profound, and something I should have been able to figure out, and yet absolutely profound and rather comforting, even if I do still have to wake each day and reiterate that thought every hour, with boxing gloves in place, look out you ugly cancer beast, YOU CAME, TO PASS, YOU ARE NOT STAYING, NOT ON MY WATCH!! GOD IS IN ME, YOU, CANCER, WILL FALL, I WILL NOT FALL!
April 22-30, 2019 this week I crashed, wedding is over, house is empty, no details and prep work to do, I crashed, on my couch, for days!! Could not get enough sleep or find enough energy to do much else. between running on adrenaline working towards the wedding and the fact that I was told this treatment can be accumulative and catch up with ones body about half way I wasn't totally surprised I felt as unmotivated and motionless as I did, I was mostly just fine sitting or sleeping and when I did think of all that awaited me in my house to clean or wash or organize, I kept telling myself that tomorrow or next week or next month or even year it would all still be there waiting my attention. None of it was that important to stress over, we live here, it'll get messy and disorganized and it's ok, it means there is life here and loved ones in and out!!
Thursday April 25, 2019 treatment #7 My dear Beth was my chauffer and side kick today. We were blessed with a gorgeous rainbow as we made our way to the cancer center, a great reminder we are not alone and there is hope and strength to keep moving on. My pic of it out a moving car window doesn't do it justice, but still had to try!
Snail mail felt extra special and needed this week, the dark and depressing wanted to crowd in and run rampant pretty quick. And I even had a few voicemails, one from dear Lucy from church and another from my dear Aunt RuthAnne, both filled with love and prayers and strong words of life and encouragement, that means ever so much and is so very comforting and I'm grateful every time someone leaves a message rather than hanging up at the beep, I'm not a phone conversationalist, but, that long with trying to live more in the moment and my surroundings rather than be attached to my phone I don't always get the calls. was also glad for a family ladies day at my nieces place just for fun, it's been a long time since we did that!!
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