Cancer..........

Music, it speaks to me, it always has, a little bit of any and every type, all genres of it. I’m a visual person, I’m not a scholar or a studier by any means. Deep reading, intense memorization and theology and even Bible studying, i get no where, my mind goes completely blank, words don’t stick, i retain no info. Its frustrating at times to say the least, and caused me to feel guilty even at times specially when it comes to reading my Bible, i read and read and 2 hours later still not remembering what i read or even getting it, if i take one verse and journel it that has helped immensely!!  But.... music, the story through the lyrics and the melody and message, they speak often to me and i’ve Found such peace and comfort and hope through music and song, so many times at the right moment a song that speaks my heart cry right then or gives me the encouragement i need in that moment has kept my head above water often, so i thought maybe i would try and post a song from my Cancer Courage playlist each time i blog, maybe it’ll brighten some one else’s day or give them a bit of encouragement or strength for their moment.
January 3, 2018 today I went to work and had a really good day, until around 4:45 this afternoon when Debbie from PMCU called to tell me that my meeting scheduled tomorrow with Oncologist Dr. Lu was canceled until further notice. I was very taken aback and irritated to say the least. In going over rounds for the next day and reviewing each patients files Dr. Lu discovered someone hadn’t dotted all their I’s or crossed all their T’s and made the appropriate things like, lymph node biopsy, EKG, Bonescan, Catscan, Ultrasound, or Medi Port surgery happen and without all those bases covered she said it’s pointless fore me to make the trip in to meet her when we won’t be any further ahead cause without all that done they can’t recommend the best course of action or meds or treatment. While all that made sense and seemed very logical it sent me for a complete spin and I was a basket case till Glen got home from work, the tears would not stop and I felt like the bottom dropped out of everything and I was hung out to dry with this nasty disease still having run of my body and life. I felt like we had done so much waiting only to be left sit yet again. Nurse Debbie felt so bad about it all and apologized profusely and promised first thing the next day to get the ball rolling on all the next steps and appointments and to check in with updates on her progress. I told her I was sorry for the frustration and tears on my end, was just feeling like we were getting no where fast and I was hoping to be started towards the end goal before this and that I have a son getting married in April and i’d Like to be over the worst, she was like, oh, honey, I’m sorry but you will be in the thick of maybe the worst of it at that point!! Well, then, not at all what I wanted to hear, but....life!! She said, is his wedding local?? Does he live nearby? Hmmmm ummmm well, he lives at home, but his fiancé is from Montana and that’s where the wedding is! A gasp, then silence on the other end, then, I hear, i’m so sorry, but, you really need to know that you will not be traveling, definitely not that distance at that point!! You need to be local for any fevers, reactions, and your body or mental health will not be up to that kind of stress and your Dr. will not want you that far away while on treatment, I’d advise if you can the wedding be moved locally or reschedule. Ahhhhh.....life.....can. Be. So. Hard!!!!!! And messy and feel like a million pounds of muck being dumped on you and weighing you under and sucking every granule of oxygen away!!! Glen and I talked long after we went to bed and we decided we would talk to the kids and tell them what the doctor had said and also let them know we do not want them to change the date, cancer doesn’t go by anyone’s schedule so to make them change the date is pointless because no one has a clue when treatment will be over. We also made up our minds and as hard as it was and as disappointing, we came to peace knowing we need to tell them that we won’t plan to be there but we want them to go ahead and keep the date and get married without us. The thought of not being a witness to my firstborns wedding was almost more than I could bear, and yet even thinking of trying to make that trip on treatment felt exhausting already. It was another one of those ares I had to lay down and trust God knew what He was doing and get peace over otherwise I knew the tears wouldn’t stop and i’d Stew for days over the unfairness and disappointment.
January 4, 2019 i got up this morning feeling a bit bereft and irritated all over again that i wasn’t going to my appointment and meeting with the Oncologist. Glen’s advice to me before he left for work was that as soon as office hours opened i make a call to the first Breast Care coordinator from Lancaster and explain what went down and ask her to do follow up and help keep the ball rolling on getting the next steps in place, so i did that and she was so very helpful and assured me she would be behind the scenes making sure this got taken care before closing today.
i decided i couldn’t stand the thought of staying home all day waiting for phone calls and wallowing in impatience so i went to Hagerstown to spend some much needed catch up time with my  Paula and go out for lunch. We hit UNO’S and ate all manner of comfort foods in between many phone calls of appointment scheduling. Was very impressed how fast they got on the ball and righted the slip up me falling through their scheduling cracks. I decided i should be thankful, cause maybe in the end it was for my own safety God allowed all that mix up to happen , as there was a bad cattle wagon accident on 81 and i more than likely would have gotten caught in it enroute, it was a reminder that as irritating as life gets at times God sees the bigger picture and my trust need some work. Glen and I went out on a much needed very over due date to Long horn. Was fabulous food and even more fabulous company and felt so good to go out and be just another “normal couple” for a few hours. We sat down and had “the talk” with the kids and explained to them what the doctor said and that they are to go ahead with wedding plans that they would have our blessing and that we were sorry but we made up our mind and as disappointed as we are we won’t be at the wedding. Was glad LaRonda was here to be in that hard announcement. Felt so awful even having to say any of it, felt like i was completely turning upside down everyone’s life and plans and yet not having any other options. Made realize again how brutal cancer is, its nasty and ugly and affects so many facets of life and not just my life but so many others in my circle. The kids handled it well but were adamant that they had one option, and that was moving the wedding local so that hopefully when the day arrives i could feel good enough to attend and not have the travel or worry of being far from my Doctor. Wedding planning is mentally exhausting enough without someone throwing a curveball, i felt so bad, but was at the same time so proud of their maturity in handling the news and being willing to rework everything. Brandon, said, your my mom, i need you there, i want you there, it wouldn’t be the same!! I said i know, but that means then her family has to travel and details be worked out for here from half a country away, he said mom, we’ll figure it out, they are all healthy and able to travel, no one asks for cancer and would want to trade that so it is what it is we are gonna make it work, you had to make cancer work when you didn’t want to we all gotta do what we need to do. it wasn’t an easy change to get everyone on board with and a lot of details to cover, but the relief that i have a fighting chance to see my son, who has already had to give up more than any kid should have to in life, get married to the love of his life makes me more determined than ever to give this nastiness a kick in the tush and be as strong and well as possible for April 20!!!! I may be bald as a newborn baby by then but if i can feel good and walk down that isle in celebration for him and his love i will proudly polish my bald head till it’s sparkly, i may even sprinkle all the glitter atop my dome just because I can and because i get to be there!!!

Well.... today i am meeting a friend from by gone days for lunch, she to has walked this path, am anxious to talk with her and gain any wisdom or tips she has for getting through this madness. I need to run but i’ll Leave you with the first song on my Cancer Courage playlist......

Cancer...........

December 26, 2018 today Laronda gets in for 2 weeks, is so exciting to have her back with us and Brandon smiling from ear to ear!! Young love is so beautiful to watch and they are both such a treasure!!

December 31, 2018 this evening was our yearly New Year’s Eve party with our local besties Wayne and Miriam Jones and Jerry and Amanda Jones and Karen weaver. We had a great time as usual with a lot of game playing, laughter and of course excellent food!!

January 1, 2019 HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!! I am starting the year out in peace and full of hope!! I’m a firm believer in whispers from God and nudges from heaven coming in many forms and are often everywhere we look if we just take the time to look!! I did a couple of those fun little facebook games on what is your word for the year or what country song speaks your life etc and I had to smile cause I felt like God was even sending me reassuring messages and signs of His faithfulness and guidance even in those. My word of the year is.....COURAGE!!! Hmmmm how very appropriate, how very like God to remind me that though the path may be difficult, with Him I can do this!! Another one I did was a word search and the first three words that you see are the good things in store for 2019, I got.....wait for it.....love, healing and....good sex!!! 😜🤪 ummmmm, sure thank you very much, i’ll Giggle and still claim them all!! But especially the HEALING!! And in all that I saw God’s humor and reassurance that no matter how bumpy and rough this could be He wants healing for me!! the one I did on my 2019 predictions was pretty cool to, there my word was JOY, and I thought that so fit the desire of my heart in fighting this nasty disease, that I could fight this filled with courage and hope and be joyful even through the pain or changes or flat on the couch days. My 2019 surprise was getting a daughter and I loved that cause in April when my firstborn marries the love of his life i’ll Be getting just that, another beautiful daughter!! June 25 is my day of good things, hmmmmm I’m not superstious or anything like that but if I can get most of my treatments and surgeries outta the way June 25 will be close to summer and vacations and family time and that sounds like good things to me!! The song that best suits my life was....STAYIN ALIVE by the BEEGEES. Hmmmm ya think??!! Well, that’s what I plan to do with the love and support of a lot of good people and my Heavenly Father’s help!! My 2019 quote ........ DON’T CHANGE SO PEOPLE WILL LIKE YOU, BE YOURSELF AND THE RIGHT PEOPLE WILL LOVE THE REAL YOU!!!! That...... I love that and I wanna do better at doing just that very thing!!! My country song.......God Bless The Broken Road by the Rascal Flatts...... there’s a lot of truth in that, one of the phrases in that song is God bless the broken road that led me straight to you......and there have been many a broken road in our lives that have led us straight to the feet of Jesus cause that was the only place where relief and help and hope was every second of the painful journey and there was so many times the broken roads of of our life have led us straight to life long friends and prayer warriors that are yet again stepping in and buoying us up!! There has been without fail, every day since diagnosis, when either I pop on social media for a few minutes, or turn on WORDFM that the right song will be playing for what I need mentally at that moment or the perfect devotional thought or encouraging message will be there lifting me up, that, is not a coincidence, that is My God, sending me messages of love and assurance and hope!!

This evening was the Diem sides Christmas Day, was so enjoyable to be with family!!

I feel like the waiting on doctors and appointment scheduling is eternal, have to bring my mind in check against panic that nothing seems to be moving forward and meantime this ugly monster is still in there and growing. The appointment for Friday to meet the Breast Surgeon Dr. Luu feels very far away. I was having a bit of a meltdown to hubby about all of it and how do we decide what treatment plan to do and should we look into other stuff and what if we make the wrong one, he being the calm and steady gently assured me that we will figure this out and that I need to do my best to remain positive and only live in this moment and not borrow any other moments till they arrive, then he preceded to do some digging into and researching other treatments and locations etc. the next morning he came downstairs and said this is what we are going to do and calmly and confidently laid out what he feels we need to do and the next steps that need taken including I should call the breast care navigator and tell her our decision and find out what the next step is. My dear man doesn’t say much or say it quickly and impulsively but when he’s thoroughly thought through something and comes to a decision I know his heart is behind it!! So as soon as I knew office hours were in session I got on the phone and relayed what we decided then went back to waiting for schedules and appointments!! Will be back later.....off for some leg stretches, grapeseed capsules and fresh air!! 😘

Cancer..............

December 21, 2018 Today was meet the breast surgeon day in Lancaster, Dr. Meyers. Glen took the day off to take me and was so glad to have him along to retain information and ask questions. He's a man of few words at times but thinks through stuff more thoroughly and patiently than I do and can keep his thoughts together much better. Dr. Meyers is a very sweet older lady but very open, forthright and kind. She said it is considered at this point until further testing gets done, INVASIVE DUCTUAL CARCINOMA STAGE 1. invasive not to mean panic, but meaning will take a more aggressive treatment, but very doable and curable. invasive meaning that it is the kind of cancer that will grow and spread and take over if it's given half a chance, but not necessarily that it has at this point. Her recommendation even as a breast surgeon is to do a chemo regimen they have found to have a very high success rate at shrinking and annihilating the cancer spots altogether, then reevaluating and if it's totally gone maybe only having to have a lumpectomy versus a total mastectomy, however she reaffirmed several times it is our decision what we would like to choose at treatment or the next step. she was very honest and up front about feeling treatment first would be her recommendation, and after listening to her we both felt comfortable in her being honest with us, I will admit that as not fun as having a mastectomy would be I went with my mind made up that this what we would do, have the surgery get rid of the evil disease move on with life, so it felt a bit like a letdown when she recommended otherwise, but that was just me wanting a quick fix to the nightmare we were in. My receptor test came back as a triple negative, normally it is 2 positives and a negative or 2 negatives and a positive. because of the triple negative and the cancer history in my family she highly encouraged the genetic test be done for further knowing how to best treat and also for the sake of my children and siblings so while we were there we went ahead and did that which consisted of a saliva test. it's amazing how little saliva one has and much work it takes to scrounge some up when one needs to fill a tube!  she said should we decide on chemo, she is saying we need to get a medi port put in, she warned that my hair will leave me and that after the chemo regimen and then whichever surgery us done, either lumpectomy or mastectomy, there would most likely be a preventative/booster round of  radiation also. there was so much to process and decide, we walked out feeling a bit overwhelmed yet relieved to have a lot of answers and info. we left there then went to the hospital for blood work then left for a bite to eat before returning to the hospital for an MRI to rule out any other cancer areas in either breast.
December 22, 2018 was glad for the company of my brother Mar and wife Rosene and little miss Isabella and the yummy sticky buns and breakfast rolls they brought over, was good to get our minds on other stuff even though we did talk about last few weeks events at length.
December 24, 2018 today the Dr. called to tell us the left side is cancer free and the right side the only thing they are seeing is one lymph node that has some blood flow to it, she said the oncologist would be able to tell me more about that later but doesn't feel it was anything to worry about and wanted me to know there's no cancer on left side and that my blood work is great before the Christmas holiday! that was a big relief and was so grateful for there thoughtfulness in that. as has been our tradition for quite a few years our besties Gary and Paula and miss Josie came and spent Christmas Eve with us. we laughed and cried and feasted on all manner of yummy dishes, then ended the evening with the same movie we giggle about every year, Trapped In Paradise. felt so good to at least pretend everything was a bit normal still.

Christmas Day 2018 today was spent with my family, lots of memories were made, felt like a long day and yet at the same time felt like we waited for Christmas so long then suddenly it was over.

December 26, 2018 felt like I could breath a sigh of relief and put the Holidays behind me somewhat and was ready to think about and gear up for getting the show on the road with decisions as to what we were gonna do about treatment plans and next step forward to get this behind us. we have been hearing from quite a few people with suggestions and tips and advice for ulternative treatment and other meds and devices and locations for help with this horrible disease. it's a lot of stuff to sort through and process and we are so very grateful to each one that has reached out and been willing to offer help, it means so much and I thank everyone that has and if we decide not to do something you have extended to us I pray you will not take any of it personal, we finally had to come to a decision and faith in that decision that this is what we feel we are to do for us in this situation, but we love everyone and their care for us, it all becomes so confusing and a bit overwhelming, we wish we could do a little bit of it all but don't feel that's wise either.

this whole process brings back a lot of memories of 14 years ago and being hit with all this when Devin was diagnosed. Glen has been my rock, but he is feeling it hard too. breaks my heart and leaves me feeling so helpless to watch a grown man dissolve in tears and yet to see his heart in all this and feel him being ok and open about it all is so precious. I thank God that if I have to walk this path he gave me a strong sweet man to walk it with me............

until next installment.......................... 

Cancer.....Continued

so the biopsy was done on Friday, then the waiting began, the each dreaded day till news of what the biopsy found, we volley between calm and tears, peace and turmoil, ready to tackle, ready to run, ready for armoring up and moving on and the want to shut down and shut out!
December 15, 2018 this evening we went on a double date for an over due birthday dinner out for Glen with our local besties Wayne and Miriam, was a great eve. with wonderful food and fabulous company and the chance to let all the ugly behind and enjoy the moment and celebrate another year with my man.

December, 16, 2018 woke up this morning feeling heavy and irritable and unnerved. how does one tell the church family where they attend this kind of news, doesn't feel like the thing you put on a social media page or one that you let each one find out about here and there thru bits and pieces along the way. but, I don't speak well, I can't keep my words in a straight organized articulate line and what does come out usually gets sideswiped in a torrent of salty waves. by the time we were ready to leave for church I was at peace and felt like God was saying, wait, wait to see how the Sunday school teacher opens the class, wait for calm and the right invitation then tell in person, let them in, let them share in this hard life stuff. so began Sunday worship and then Sunday school, after everyone settled dear Mrs. Goldie says how she would love to hear about everyone's week, what are hearts are full of or rejoicing over or what's been difficult etc. (paraphrasing there a bit maybe but can't remember quite word for word) needless to say I felt like this is the wait for the right time God had prepared me for and thankfully as He is known to do, He gave me calm almost tearless presentation of the mountain in my life, after an awkward silence, which I so could relate to having been there earlier when I found out the news myself, Stephanie came over and laid hands on me and others reached out and we had a lovely time of prayer and committing this whole nightmare to God, it was beautiful and I was glad to have it out there for more prayer warriors to join forces with me. Our dear besties Gary and Paula and their miss J came and spent the day, was so good to catch up and hang out and be distracted, then the besties around the corner Brent and Miranda came over with all manner of yummys for dinner, so the day that started out heavy and wearying ended in laughter and a renewed sense of I can get through this and I got support and prayer and soul friends that wont let us walk this alone!

December 17,2018 waiting on the Dr. to call with results is torture!!!!! Miranda came and picked me up this morning then we met up with Paula, Beth, and Laura for pedis then got take out to enjoy back at Miranda's house so I didn't have to face the Dr. call alone, but, we didn't get the call however it was such a lovely way to spend the day and to not sit through it alone and make it seem even longer. Laura took me home and we picked up my girls and dropped Em off at work then we picked her girls up and went to Pizza Hut for girls supper out to use Ava's reading reward.

December 18,2018 Emily and I were gearing up to do some last minute Christmas shopping and get outta the house a bit when I got called into work so I decided to do that and take the girls shopping after Ava got off of school. was good to go be with co workers and keep my mind and hands busy awhile. unfortunately that would be the time the Dr. decides to call with the official biopsy results. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma!!!! was so thankful Miriam works the at the same place on the same day, we hugged and cried, dried our tears and made up our minds that we can do this together, it might not be easy but with each other and prayer and God and others the fight was on!! I left work at 3, came home to this gorgeous bouquet from a dear church friend Kaylene, the love and support from others is beyond priceless!!

I picked up my girls and we went shopping, we grabbed coffees and some fries and made little memories together in spite of. rounding a corner at Ross at the end of an isle I was stopped short by a canvas reading, GOD IS WITHIN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL PSALM46:5 it immediately became my verse!! I felt like God had handed me a love note right there!! I had been messaging some struggles to my friend Susan right before that so I sent her another one with a pic of the canvas and said even now, God is going before me, i'm gonna be ok, I'm gonna be able to walk this, she said, you had better have gotten that!!! I most certainly did!!

 on our way home I pulled over for a bit cause my Uncle Willie and Aunt Judy called to pray with me and curse the dreaded disease, it was beautiful and so meaningful to have them reach out and share their love and support!!
December 19, 2018 another day of what feels a bit like putting in time till the next step, wanting to hurry up and move forward yet wanting to pull back and wait, I was thankful to work again today to keep busy and be around others that are encouraging and supportive. My mama and sister Jess came by for a while with a delicious pot of soup and fresh fruit cake bread, family becomes even more precious at times like these.
so long until the next installment, want to get caught up here so I can just update recent but enough of sitting in front of a screen right now......

Cancer....continued

December 11,2018 I broke the news to family and a few more friends, the support and prayers are priceless!!!
December 12, 2014 I worked today, the support there to is very encouraging!! came home to my dear sister in law Rosene dropping off a bouquet and hugs, feels so good to be thought about and assured of love and support over the hard stuff. tonight was Ava's school program, kind of exhausting to go and act like your minds on what's going on and stuff when it's numb, and how do you answer the age old question, hi, are you this evening??? we only told our family and closest friends so far cause we didn't have the biopsy and actual content, yes, this is that 98% diagnosis. so in answering the question i'd say i'm fine, cause at that moment, for that event, I was good, despite random brain stops at the what if stations.

December 14, 2018 Today was biopsy day at the Science Pavilion in Harrisburg. My dear, steady through the good, bad and ugly of life, bestie, Miriam, took me and my soul sister Susan met us there.

Unfortunately no one was allowed back with me but was comforting to know they were out there waiting and supporting me and I wasn't totally alone. The procedure took about an hour and a half. the nurse was the sweetest, so patient and kind and very helpful and accommodating. She wondered if I have any questions , I was like, uummm, yea!!!! So very many, but I'm not sure you can help me before we actually have results back!! she said, ask anything, it's ok, i'll do my best. so I started with, How bad does this look for me, any idea what we're dealing with? She said, THIS IS NOT A DEATH SENTENCE! and remember medicine has come along way, we are here to save lives, not lose them!! while I know the number of days we have to live are in God's hands, that was very comforting to me. she explained a lot of things to me then, like, since there are 2 lumps, more than likely they will recommend a mastectomy along with some treatment. she was very encouraging thru it all. Dr. Moser was wonderful, they numbed everything up really well, and except for a lot pulling and tugging and prodding it wasn't at all unbearable and I watched the procedure on their screen, I could see the needle going into the lump and also the tissue sample collecting, He was so apologetic and worried he was hurting me, I said honestly Dr. Moser, the most uncomfortable part of me right now is having my right around stretched high above my head at an awkward angle for 90 minutes, pretty sure when I go to move it its gonna flop like a dead fish!! He chuckled and apologized again. once everything was done and they put steri strips on and applied an ice pack I was good to go. afterwards we went to Panera for a bite to eat and to have girl talk, it was a fabulous lunch with exceptional company. as we were sitting there chatting a felt a person looking at me over the booth divider wall and when I looked up I lost all thought and literally felt my eyes bug and mouth drop, then I couldn't get Miriam to let me outta the booth fast enough, coming towards me was one of Devin's most favorite nurses from Hershey days 12 years ago, she had even gifted him his very own stethoscope. Miss Amanda and had a grand reunion, was so good to hug her, but when she asked how I was, it all came spilling out. we both knew then and there that a meeting at a time like this is not a coincidence, we both felt like we were given our hug and message from heaven and it was a confirmation that I was gonna make it thru this hard life stuff, that God places people and messages along the way for us when we need it most, right where we are at that moment.  

Miriam and I left then and did some Christmas shopping and ate comfort food of Auntie Anne's pretzels and just tried to forget about the looming ugly and concentrate on friendships and memories that last. am so beyond thankful for those life time friends that are willing to walk yet again a hard path with us, God knew back when He put us on each others path that we would need that priceless gift for years to come!!

Cancer.....Delivered In Time For Christmas

I've been kind of out of touch with this whole blog site this last year. wasn't my intention was just life. But.....because of life.....I felt like maybe getting back on track with this and having this as my outlet for updates would be a good idea, I will back track and post the pivotal appointment dates and happenings till I get caught up to present time then hopefully update a bit more regularly and on date. so let me catch you all up on what is going on in my life. In April I had my yearly mammogram, after the regular mammo they decided to do a 3-D one and an ultrasound because of detecting a suspicious something which in the end they felt fairly certain was only calcified tissue mass but still wanted a follow up mammo in 6 months. in may I had a partial hysterectomy for endometriosis and poly cystic ovaries, with a bit of cleaning up to them I was able to keep the ovaries.

So the beginning or so of November I decided I should get on that follow up apt and called in and it was scheduled for December the 10th 2018. In the meantime we took the kids and left for family vacation in Florida on Thanksgiving day. We traveled as far as a campground in South Carolina where we stayed till Saturday morning then went the rest of the way to our campground at Fort Desota Park in Florida. In spite of a few cooler days and nights we had an amazing time. Brandon and his girlfriend LaRonda flew from Montana to be with us. We put a lot of miles on our bikes, walked the shoreline and the explored the fort, gathered shells, bird watched, kayaked with the dolphins, took a day trip to the Sarasota Jungle Gardens where Brandon proposed among the flamingos and palm trees, a treasured memory for sure, we kayaked to shell beach for the day where we found more sand dollars than we could imagine and where the kids requested their daddy baptize them in the blue green waters of the gulf, it was another very precious and treasured memory. Saturday December 1 we sadly parted ways, us heading north and Brandon and his now fiancée flying back to Montana.

Around the time I decided I should make that follow up apt I had noticed there seemed to be 2 small bumps towards the back side of my right breast that once and awhile would feel tender but didn't let myself dwell on it much just thinking that it was more than likely the same calcified spot they had detected earlier in the year, however at one point I had mentioned about it annoying me a little while on vacation and then one night asking Glen to see if he could feel what I thought I was feeling and he said yea he felt it and thought it good I had an appointment scheduled.

December 10, 2018......day of follow up mammogram arrived, I took my Emily and my niece Kate with me as we were going to do some Christmas shopping afterwards, not expecting to sit in the imaging office for three hours. on the way to the dr. my friend Beth was messaging our group asking if the girls Christmas date could be impromptu that eve. since we were having a difficult time finding a time that worked for all five of us, so when I got to my appointment and was waiting to be seen I messaged I thought I could make it work for that evening. because of feeling those 2 small bumps for a few weeks I had gone to the appointment with a mental dread hanging over me that this may be something I don't want to hear but at the same time wasn't letting myself dwell on it, however, after the initial regular mammo they came in and requested a 3-D one and after much horrendous and painful yanking and pulling and tucking and squashing I was sent to wait in another room until the tech read the pictures then the nurse came back and said the radiologist/biopsy tech would like us to do and ultrasound for a clearer view, so off we went to do that, and after much probing and pressure from a cold jelly laden instrument and a lot of beepings and typings of measurements and things being recorded I was left to wait yet again until the radiologist/biopsy tech, Dr. Moser could come speak with me himself. Meanwhile as the victim of all these proddings and pokings and stretchings and beeping recordings you are left to lay staring at a cold sterile ceiling while your head spins and aches with scenarios and imaginations to the point of exploding, then just when you feel your about to go mad and you contemplate gathering the hideous backless gown tight around you and making a run for it the door pops open and in walks Dr.Moser. He introduced himself with a handshake than proceeded to pat my arm and explain with apology what they found, not much of which I can remember except that 98% of the time the type of bumps they are seeing is breast cancer and that he wants a biopsy scheduled as soon as possible.

I left the building with girls in a numb fog, trying to act like nothing out of the ordinary went wrong, trying to wrap my mind around the cancer word yet again. Em at one point asked if all was good at the dr. and I told her that I wasn't talking about all that until I had a chance to talk to Glen.

when I got home I talked to Glen and had a bit of a meltdown but he assured me whatever it is we would get through it, the whole day kind of took the wind out of my sails for Christmas dinner with my tribe but in the end I told Glen I'm gonna make myself go, I need my girls, my tribe, we will all be together and it would be better to tell them whats going on all together and in person rather than messaging each one. so off I went to pick up Miranda and then to the local Longhorn to meet up with Paula, Laura and Beth. I tried to engage in conversation and put on a smile, non of which I felt like I could quite pull off successfully, so after sharing gifts and eating our meals I finally took a big breath and broke the news, complete with a little bit of a meltdown. after the initial mind blown looks, they all assured me I would not be walking this alone in any way and right there in longhorn with tears and hugs we joined hands and had a prayer service, it was so heartwarming and beautiful and encouraging and made the road ahead already feel more bearable. 

when I popped on social media a bit later in the eve different inspirational messages kept popping up and it was confirmation to me that God has this, that He is going ahead of me. two word of the year things popped up and I claimed them as mine, my message from Heaven, they were, HOPE and COURAGE, both of which I know ill need plenty of and both I know God is in the business of giving. 

to be continued........

Choosing Joy

I'm not one to make big, lofty, new years resolutions and goals, only to be slammed back on my behind two weeks in, with the realization, that, 14 blessed days have passed already, and I not only haven't begun a single one of them, but they weren't even on my radar after 10 minutes of solemnly making them. there has been this intense burning question and tug of war going on in my mind the last while that has been creating conversations and arguments between my head and my heart and its legit and real and rather frustrating and anxiety making all at once sometimes. And sometimes, a lot of times I'm ok, and life is normal and mundane and I go about doing my regular every day tasks and responsibilities and taking care of my family and existing. but....then..... there's those moments, hours, days, when the burning question rolls around and around in my head, boiling and bubbling and steaming over to sizzle unanswered at the surface of everything I'm doing, marinating at the back of mind during every conversation and task I find myself moving through. most days I take it and give it more time than it deserves and chew and mull over it, then another duty calls and it's left unattended yet always near by, just hanging, floating in the abyss of my domestic world, and then I crawl into bed at night and before I can blink it's right there, snuggling up beside me trying to curl into my pillow with me, trying to snatch all the prized sleep moments for itself.................

WHAT IS MY PURPOSE HERE? WHAT IS MY PLATFORM TO SHINE JESUS? WHERE DO I BELONG, REALLY? HOW DO I KNOW IF IM WHERE I BELONG OR WHAT IM SUPPOSED TO BE DOING??

I know, I know, your thinking, hello, you have a hubby and kids to see after, so what's to decide, your place is to care for and nurture and serve them, right now your place is in the home and filling your domestic duties. and maybe, that would be right, for some it is, but, some days I just wonder if I'm really using all that God wants of me to my fullest, where He would desire, if there's not more............
one thought that has been coming back front and center in my thoughts so strong and so frequently that I know I need to embrace and engage in, not as a new year resolution, but as a conviction and lifestyle, and I feel I fail miserably at, especially with my family is, TO CHOOSE JOY ALWAYS, EVEN IF, IN SPITE OF,.......... to choose joy, even if it's hard, it hurts, or doesn't feel one bit joyful. to choose joy in spite of not feeling a part of, feeling like I'm on the outside, to choose joy even if I don't understand everything, if I'm asked to be in the background always, to choose joy when I don't always agree with my hubby, my friends, my circumstances. to choose joy even if my life never moves further than these four walls and my family, to choose joy even if it means always being the encourager and cheerleader for everyone else's success and needy moments........because in the end maybe my platform given to me by God is a million little places here and there and not a big stepping out into one single mission or calling, and choosing joy and giving my best of Him in each of those area whether a big, brief moment where we clearly feel Him using us or a single tiny moment we may or may not know here on earth was our chosen place by him for that moment. To choose joy even when we've gone through hard life stuff, and grief and heartache and pain and maybe even for years or never know the why of those situations or the purpose.
I have a dear heart sister, Susan, a bestie, in my life that is absolutely precious to me. we have been through some horrific, life altering situations together, but we have been there to encourage each other and listen to and we always know we have each others and our families backs for each other. we have laughed till we exhausted ourselves and cried enough tears together to rival a rainforest, but we have both watched and aided each other in our faith growing and that to me is priceless. and while at her dear, dear daughter Sara's wedding recently several strangers came up to me and asked if I was the sitter of the bride as a little girl and I said yes, that her and her family is very precious to me. this was so humbling and very startling to me, but each of those people told me that they wanted me to know first that they thought my family was absolutely beautiful and then they said, we had a peace and had a glow around us that they never saw before and it was stunning, they said you shone joy and happiness and peace and whatever it was that we were doing to keep it up cause it's working and the world needs more of it........to be honest it gave me goosebumpies, cause we are so very far from the perfect family, but maybe this is where Jesus says, shine me, show, me, live your life quietly where I call you, no big spot light platform, no foreign mission field, just you, living and shining me in the area I provide at each moment. the whole concept of these people seeing a peace and glow smacked me hard with the truth I've always known but don't always take in to consideration, that, not only may we be the only Bible some people will ever read, or the first encounter with Jesus some will have but also the importance of shining out God's joy and love and bearing the countenance of a true child of God. it also was enlightening to me and proved a lie from the devil that as a child of God there will be days when we scramble to find our joy and the day feels long and impossible, but that doesn't make us a failure or less of His child and it doesn't eradicate the joy He has given us, we may feel like our glow is barely visible, but because we are His and He has our heart even on the dark, hard days others can still see His joy in us as with His help we keep moving forward.
the day after Christmas I went with two of my dear friends, Paula and Sherry to visit Jess who was dying of a cancerous brain tumor. Paula knew the family for years, Sherry recently met the family and they became very dear to her as she knows what it's like to have a daughter in the same or very similar situation and I had only met Jess once before but had been in contact with her via email 8 years ago and with her sister Jenny in the last month, but could also relate to being the mama sitting by the bedside of your dying child, so I wanted to go to show my love and support and to let them know that as heartbreaking as this is I understand and they are not alone in this, I however was not prepared for the out of body experience of standing there watching Jess' parents, mostly her mama, setting there holding her hand, taking care of her so lovingly, with a smile at times through tears, trying to be ok, yet, clearly dying inside herself. I saw myself where Jess' mom, Doris, was. I felt myself begin to lose it, but managed to get it under control, but inside I kept screaming, no God, please not another mama having to go through this!!! and then I was like why, why did I come, I have nothing to say or even to offer, I felt so broken and wanted to just curl in a dark corner and weep for what I once had, but no longer did, for the pain of all I'd lost and all that changed since, I wanted to weep for all I knew they had already faced and still would.....I felt like I was blindsided by it all and sat in silence most of the time there, knowing if I tried to say anything I'd just sob, and having nothing at all to really say, I just felt like a limp awkward rag, then I heard a tiny whisper, this is exactly where I need you, I know it's hard, but I got you and silence is ok, but I need you here, just being, cause my people need the encouragement and strength, the distraction and the love and comfort of those that have been there. that whisper took away the pressure of needing to perform or fill in the sad with chatter. and I wonder, can I choose joy in spite of the heartache of giving back a child, can I choose joy and say maybe that experience was to give me the opportunity to sit by someone else going through what I did and my purpose is for such a time as this even if it's only that one time.
last week was 17 years ago that Maryann, one of my dearest friends ever called so excited to tell me she just gave birth to her first born, a precious little boy, Arlin!! I was over the moon excited for her, this was her first and 2 weeks later I was due with my second and we were gonna hang out some day soon and share babies and compare notes and revel in the togetherness and the joy of squishy tiny new life!! that joy and celebration was cut short when a few brief hours later I received the call that for unknown reasons her precious new firstborn was suddenly and unexpectedly ushered into heaven while his dear mama was in surgery for hemorrhaging. but.....why???? and how does one go on, let alone find joy in that?? one of the most difficult and heartbreaking things to do was attend a funeral of your besties infant when you are massively pregnant and only 10 days away from having your second baby, to stand there and watch her fall apart with empty arms and all you feel is misplaced guilt that here that here you stand carrying new life and it feels like a mockery to her that now has nothing. 10 days later Devin arrived, it was hard to make that call to inform Maryann he'd arrived and all was well, and to say that he arrived horribly purple/black because the cord was around his neck 3 times and yet he survived, and her Arlin arrived in perfect health and yet passed on........how does one dig out of the sad and depression and choose joy in spite of, even if.....when you can barely lift one foot in front of another, when it takes all strength to even think about climbing out of bed and facing a new day???? Devin became special to her, cause although our times together weren't constant because of distance, he was a reference of what stage and size and accomplishment her angel would have been had he lived. neither of us would have ever dreamt that she would have brief hours with her son and I would have brief years with mine, and we've since talked many times which way we would choose had we been given that, is it easier to let go after brief hours or after you have 5 years of memories and watching them suffer, I don't know that it's a conclusion we've ever reached except that we're glad it's not our call and no matter how you look at it letting a child go is earthshattering and your heart is never completely whole again and the little black cloud of sad and tears is always hanging at the edges of everything! we both would agree that it has made us even more heart friends then we were before and that your level of compassion for others and sympathy for those going through tough heart stuff is over flowing and that making the choice to be joyful, genuinely joyful, not just paste a smile over sad eyes and numb face, is a conscious every day choosing and being. we both hear each other and understand the dark days that hit, and the heavy, cant seem to tunnel into the light of day moments that this time of year brings. and this time of year those dark days for us tend to overlap, the anniversary of her Arlin's birth/death day and my Devin's birthday, and sometimes for me the choosing joy in this moment is a feeble yay, thank you Jesus for a pal that truly gets an angel mamas position in life. when you grow a life inside your own body right by ones own heart that life becomes a vital part of your own self and who you are and when that beautiful life gets silenced that tearing away from out of ones body creates heart cracks and shattered pieces and scars to infinity and beyond and no matter the length of life of the mama left behind that ache never goes away. and there have been those that say so casually, yes, but it's been 17 or 11 years, surely your over it by now, surely the grieving is past........this is probably one of the biggest areas I've had to consciously choose joy in, joy that those saying that have never had to know what it's like to be in these loss of my child shoes, joy that they want to fix the sad but thankfully for them just don't get it, joy that I had 5 years when I could have had no years no memories, joy that because I have been there I know now not to go there to someone else going through hard heart losses, joy that I have come to a place over the years where it doesn't anger me anymore at those people with careless remarks but can instead say thank you Jesus that you have spared them from having to know this intense pain!!
a week or so ago my dear friend Paula and I went out for a much needed day together and while eating lunch I got a glimpse of a tiny old lady far out in the parking lot slowly making her way in our direction with her walker. it was a bitter cold and snow flurring day but she kept pressing on through the cars zipping by backing in and out. it went through my mind that I hoped she was ok and that someone of her own wasn't to far away and she'd be ok, but then I went back to eating and conversation and the next time I looked up I didn't see her and thought no more about it, until we went to leave and walked outside to find this dear little lady seated in a cold plastic chair with her walker in front of her and a giant smile on her face and to each person that came and went she would hand them a card with say an encouraging bless you or give a smile today. we got to the car and we both opened our cards and out fell beautiful little magazine pictures cut out and interesting little newspaper clippings, but what grabbed me was the handwritten note inside each one encouraging us to be forgiving and to choose joy and be a friend and give a smile and that we are important and God cares for and loves us. I thought I want to be like that little old angel of a lady when I grow up, I want to embrace my walker and orthopedic sneakys and cataracts and in spite of many muddied waters in my life I want to shuffle ahead and choose joy and I want to still choose to smile and share that with whoever crosses my path in whatever kind of weather!!! I'm sure at her age and not being able o bounce very high anymore she could have easily and maybe even for good reason decided to wallow and pity and bemoan her circumstances and yet she chose to brave the freeze and flurry and smile to strangers and brighten a day in spite of!  
Joy I feel like I fail at it more than not, and the moment I think, ok, I believe I'm finally getting it, you can rest assured I'm gonna bite the dust!! I mean do I really have to find joy in the moment when your besties gonna spend you birthday with you but then you cant cause your cars dead?? or that the one person that calls you every year and says happy birthday just doesn't this year?? or if the one you want to celebrate the most with just ...doesn't?? I know, I'm 43 and should be past birthday celebrations and expectations but, hey, God don't make no junk and he created me and allowed my existence so surely feeding me and telling me I'm beautiful one day outta the year isn't to much to ask is it??  or can I find joy in the fact that my hubby can actually do physical work, and chooses to work yet another Saturday, when 18 years ago after his bike accident the drs said be prepared for paralyzed for life..... or can I choose to find joy in the fact that my son has a job and a darling girlfriend inspite of it all taking him 1000's of miles away.....or that one of my bestest ever heart friends is moving across country.....or that maybe my purpose and value is found I taking care of my little family and cheering on my tribal peeps In what looks like big life moments and valuable callings and positions and jobs with meaning and worth....can I choose joy when my platform in life might not look like much of a platform compared to those next to me???? can I choose joy when I feel like I'm the only one giving and pouring out and building up and giving and giving and giving, or when the relationship are hard and messy and complicated ........or in the never ending laundry and cooking and wiping noses and little behinds and having little precious time for me and my interests and time.......or can I find joy in the busy and bustle around me and the traffic and........can I choose joy in spite of all and any and even if and shine Jesus wherever I go to whomever is next to me at whatever moment......
I don't do new years resolutions.......however, Joy.....the word that I cant get away from, that keeps popping up in devotionals and floating in front of my vision.....JOY, I want that.....I want....To Let The Beauty Of Jesus Be Seen In Me....the song that keeps hanging out under my floating word....