Cancer..........

Music, it speaks to me, it always has, a little bit of any and every type, all genres of it. I’m a visual person, I’m not a scholar or a studier by any means. Deep reading, intense memorization and theology and even Bible studying, i get no where, my mind goes completely blank, words don’t stick, i retain no info. Its frustrating at times to say the least, and caused me to feel guilty even at times specially when it comes to reading my Bible, i read and read and 2 hours later still not remembering what i read or even getting it, if i take one verse and journel it that has helped immensely!!  But.... music, the story through the lyrics and the melody and message, they speak often to me and i’ve Found such peace and comfort and hope through music and song, so many times at the right moment a song that speaks my heart cry right then or gives me the encouragement i need in that moment has kept my head above water often, so i thought maybe i would try and post a song from my Cancer Courage playlist each time i blog, maybe it’ll brighten some one else’s day or give them a bit of encouragement or strength for their moment.
January 3, 2018 today I went to work and had a really good day, until around 4:45 this afternoon when Debbie from PMCU called to tell me that my meeting scheduled tomorrow with Oncologist Dr. Lu was canceled until further notice. I was very taken aback and irritated to say the least. In going over rounds for the next day and reviewing each patients files Dr. Lu discovered someone hadn’t dotted all their I’s or crossed all their T’s and made the appropriate things like, lymph node biopsy, EKG, Bonescan, Catscan, Ultrasound, or Medi Port surgery happen and without all those bases covered she said it’s pointless fore me to make the trip in to meet her when we won’t be any further ahead cause without all that done they can’t recommend the best course of action or meds or treatment. While all that made sense and seemed very logical it sent me for a complete spin and I was a basket case till Glen got home from work, the tears would not stop and I felt like the bottom dropped out of everything and I was hung out to dry with this nasty disease still having run of my body and life. I felt like we had done so much waiting only to be left sit yet again. Nurse Debbie felt so bad about it all and apologized profusely and promised first thing the next day to get the ball rolling on all the next steps and appointments and to check in with updates on her progress. I told her I was sorry for the frustration and tears on my end, was just feeling like we were getting no where fast and I was hoping to be started towards the end goal before this and that I have a son getting married in April and i’d Like to be over the worst, she was like, oh, honey, I’m sorry but you will be in the thick of maybe the worst of it at that point!! Well, then, not at all what I wanted to hear, but....life!! She said, is his wedding local?? Does he live nearby? Hmmmm ummmm well, he lives at home, but his fiancé is from Montana and that’s where the wedding is! A gasp, then silence on the other end, then, I hear, i’m so sorry, but, you really need to know that you will not be traveling, definitely not that distance at that point!! You need to be local for any fevers, reactions, and your body or mental health will not be up to that kind of stress and your Dr. will not want you that far away while on treatment, I’d advise if you can the wedding be moved locally or reschedule. Ahhhhh.....life.....can. Be. So. Hard!!!!!! And messy and feel like a million pounds of muck being dumped on you and weighing you under and sucking every granule of oxygen away!!! Glen and I talked long after we went to bed and we decided we would talk to the kids and tell them what the doctor had said and also let them know we do not want them to change the date, cancer doesn’t go by anyone’s schedule so to make them change the date is pointless because no one has a clue when treatment will be over. We also made up our minds and as hard as it was and as disappointing, we came to peace knowing we need to tell them that we won’t plan to be there but we want them to go ahead and keep the date and get married without us. The thought of not being a witness to my firstborns wedding was almost more than I could bear, and yet even thinking of trying to make that trip on treatment felt exhausting already. It was another one of those ares I had to lay down and trust God knew what He was doing and get peace over otherwise I knew the tears wouldn’t stop and i’d Stew for days over the unfairness and disappointment.
January 4, 2019 i got up this morning feeling a bit bereft and irritated all over again that i wasn’t going to my appointment and meeting with the Oncologist. Glen’s advice to me before he left for work was that as soon as office hours opened i make a call to the first Breast Care coordinator from Lancaster and explain what went down and ask her to do follow up and help keep the ball rolling on getting the next steps in place, so i did that and she was so very helpful and assured me she would be behind the scenes making sure this got taken care before closing today.
i decided i couldn’t stand the thought of staying home all day waiting for phone calls and wallowing in impatience so i went to Hagerstown to spend some much needed catch up time with my  Paula and go out for lunch. We hit UNO’S and ate all manner of comfort foods in between many phone calls of appointment scheduling. Was very impressed how fast they got on the ball and righted the slip up me falling through their scheduling cracks. I decided i should be thankful, cause maybe in the end it was for my own safety God allowed all that mix up to happen , as there was a bad cattle wagon accident on 81 and i more than likely would have gotten caught in it enroute, it was a reminder that as irritating as life gets at times God sees the bigger picture and my trust need some work. Glen and I went out on a much needed very over due date to Long horn. Was fabulous food and even more fabulous company and felt so good to go out and be just another “normal couple” for a few hours. We sat down and had “the talk” with the kids and explained to them what the doctor said and that they are to go ahead with wedding plans that they would have our blessing and that we were sorry but we made up our mind and as disappointed as we are we won’t be at the wedding. Was glad LaRonda was here to be in that hard announcement. Felt so awful even having to say any of it, felt like i was completely turning upside down everyone’s life and plans and yet not having any other options. Made realize again how brutal cancer is, its nasty and ugly and affects so many facets of life and not just my life but so many others in my circle. The kids handled it well but were adamant that they had one option, and that was moving the wedding local so that hopefully when the day arrives i could feel good enough to attend and not have the travel or worry of being far from my Doctor. Wedding planning is mentally exhausting enough without someone throwing a curveball, i felt so bad, but was at the same time so proud of their maturity in handling the news and being willing to rework everything. Brandon, said, your my mom, i need you there, i want you there, it wouldn’t be the same!! I said i know, but that means then her family has to travel and details be worked out for here from half a country away, he said mom, we’ll figure it out, they are all healthy and able to travel, no one asks for cancer and would want to trade that so it is what it is we are gonna make it work, you had to make cancer work when you didn’t want to we all gotta do what we need to do. it wasn’t an easy change to get everyone on board with and a lot of details to cover, but the relief that i have a fighting chance to see my son, who has already had to give up more than any kid should have to in life, get married to the love of his life makes me more determined than ever to give this nastiness a kick in the tush and be as strong and well as possible for April 20!!!! I may be bald as a newborn baby by then but if i can feel good and walk down that isle in celebration for him and his love i will proudly polish my bald head till it’s sparkly, i may even sprinkle all the glitter atop my dome just because I can and because i get to be there!!!

Well.... today i am meeting a friend from by gone days for lunch, she to has walked this path, am anxious to talk with her and gain any wisdom or tips she has for getting through this madness. I need to run but i’ll Leave you with the first song on my Cancer Courage playlist......