Cancer.....Delivered In Time For Christmas

I've been kind of out of touch with this whole blog site this last year. wasn't my intention was just life. But.....because of life.....I felt like maybe getting back on track with this and having this as my outlet for updates would be a good idea, I will back track and post the pivotal appointment dates and happenings till I get caught up to present time then hopefully update a bit more regularly and on date. so let me catch you all up on what is going on in my life. In April I had my yearly mammogram, after the regular mammo they decided to do a 3-D one and an ultrasound because of detecting a suspicious something which in the end they felt fairly certain was only calcified tissue mass but still wanted a follow up mammo in 6 months. in may I had a partial hysterectomy for endometriosis and poly cystic ovaries, with a bit of cleaning up to them I was able to keep the ovaries.

So the beginning or so of November I decided I should get on that follow up apt and called in and it was scheduled for December the 10th 2018. In the meantime we took the kids and left for family vacation in Florida on Thanksgiving day. We traveled as far as a campground in South Carolina where we stayed till Saturday morning then went the rest of the way to our campground at Fort Desota Park in Florida. In spite of a few cooler days and nights we had an amazing time. Brandon and his girlfriend LaRonda flew from Montana to be with us. We put a lot of miles on our bikes, walked the shoreline and the explored the fort, gathered shells, bird watched, kayaked with the dolphins, took a day trip to the Sarasota Jungle Gardens where Brandon proposed among the flamingos and palm trees, a treasured memory for sure, we kayaked to shell beach for the day where we found more sand dollars than we could imagine and where the kids requested their daddy baptize them in the blue green waters of the gulf, it was another very precious and treasured memory. Saturday December 1 we sadly parted ways, us heading north and Brandon and his now fiancée flying back to Montana.

Around the time I decided I should make that follow up apt I had noticed there seemed to be 2 small bumps towards the back side of my right breast that once and awhile would feel tender but didn't let myself dwell on it much just thinking that it was more than likely the same calcified spot they had detected earlier in the year, however at one point I had mentioned about it annoying me a little while on vacation and then one night asking Glen to see if he could feel what I thought I was feeling and he said yea he felt it and thought it good I had an appointment scheduled.

December 10, 2018......day of follow up mammogram arrived, I took my Emily and my niece Kate with me as we were going to do some Christmas shopping afterwards, not expecting to sit in the imaging office for three hours. on the way to the dr. my friend Beth was messaging our group asking if the girls Christmas date could be impromptu that eve. since we were having a difficult time finding a time that worked for all five of us, so when I got to my appointment and was waiting to be seen I messaged I thought I could make it work for that evening. because of feeling those 2 small bumps for a few weeks I had gone to the appointment with a mental dread hanging over me that this may be something I don't want to hear but at the same time wasn't letting myself dwell on it, however, after the initial regular mammo they came in and requested a 3-D one and after much horrendous and painful yanking and pulling and tucking and squashing I was sent to wait in another room until the tech read the pictures then the nurse came back and said the radiologist/biopsy tech would like us to do and ultrasound for a clearer view, so off we went to do that, and after much probing and pressure from a cold jelly laden instrument and a lot of beepings and typings of measurements and things being recorded I was left to wait yet again until the radiologist/biopsy tech, Dr. Moser could come speak with me himself. Meanwhile as the victim of all these proddings and pokings and stretchings and beeping recordings you are left to lay staring at a cold sterile ceiling while your head spins and aches with scenarios and imaginations to the point of exploding, then just when you feel your about to go mad and you contemplate gathering the hideous backless gown tight around you and making a run for it the door pops open and in walks Dr.Moser. He introduced himself with a handshake than proceeded to pat my arm and explain with apology what they found, not much of which I can remember except that 98% of the time the type of bumps they are seeing is breast cancer and that he wants a biopsy scheduled as soon as possible.

I left the building with girls in a numb fog, trying to act like nothing out of the ordinary went wrong, trying to wrap my mind around the cancer word yet again. Em at one point asked if all was good at the dr. and I told her that I wasn't talking about all that until I had a chance to talk to Glen.

when I got home I talked to Glen and had a bit of a meltdown but he assured me whatever it is we would get through it, the whole day kind of took the wind out of my sails for Christmas dinner with my tribe but in the end I told Glen I'm gonna make myself go, I need my girls, my tribe, we will all be together and it would be better to tell them whats going on all together and in person rather than messaging each one. so off I went to pick up Miranda and then to the local Longhorn to meet up with Paula, Laura and Beth. I tried to engage in conversation and put on a smile, non of which I felt like I could quite pull off successfully, so after sharing gifts and eating our meals I finally took a big breath and broke the news, complete with a little bit of a meltdown. after the initial mind blown looks, they all assured me I would not be walking this alone in any way and right there in longhorn with tears and hugs we joined hands and had a prayer service, it was so heartwarming and beautiful and encouraging and made the road ahead already feel more bearable. 

when I popped on social media a bit later in the eve different inspirational messages kept popping up and it was confirmation to me that God has this, that He is going ahead of me. two word of the year things popped up and I claimed them as mine, my message from Heaven, they were, HOPE and COURAGE, both of which I know ill need plenty of and both I know God is in the business of giving. 

to be continued........