Cancer.............

I am interrupting this next segment to inject this tiny worship moment....huge worship moment in reality, but only giving you a tiny taste until i reach that particular post in my catching up.....but....todays treatment, today, January 31,2019....ALL KINDS OF GOOD NEWS and its only the 2nd treatment!!! My God is faithful!! # God is in her, she will not fall!! Ok, moving on.....you’ll have to slobber in suspense till i get caught up, order folks, order!!! 😍 i’ll Just say this yet, there’s worship and praise goin in over here in the boonies tonight!!!!!!!!

So in processing all this never ending nightmare of info and decisions and life changing events i named “the girls” Betty and Blanche!! If you are familiar with the show “The Golden Girls” you know there are 4 older single gals involved in this show and you know the one Rose, is played by Betty White and another of them is Blanche. And these two ladies are polar opposites, Betty, i just love, and most days i wanna tuck her naive, ditsy, sweet, little old lady self under my arm pit and protect her from meanies and take advantagers, but in spite of all those things she really is stronger than she appears as she happily bops through life all happy go lucky without a care. The other one, Blanche, she’s a bit of a tornado, she’s rather prideful and outta control most days, she honestly feels she’s God’s gift to every man, of every age and is very free in saying so and can cause trouble fairly regularly, she wants everyone to believe she is as fierce as her snippiness and hairy toity self eludes to, but, in the end, she’s justly a regular old gal like the rest of her tribe. My problem “girl” is, obviously the latter of these two characters, the other bounces, literally, silently along, creating no drama, just being!! Blanche, however, i’ve Needed to remind her that she does not control her person, and her person, me, has.........guts, we’ll go with guts!! Ladies don’t ever let anyone tell you, you don’t have.....guts, you do, we just wear them on are our chests, and they are big, chesticles, if you will!!! 😜 anyway Miss Blanche is being served!! This person of hers is not going to give into this massive cancer war without a fight, it may be ugly and exhausting and albeit discouraging at times but I’m committed to the long haul!!!! Blanche, your going down!!!!!!

January 11, 2019 HAPPY 44TH BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!🎉🎂🍾 celebrating............... hmmmm not so much first thing, wasn’t allowed any food or drink after Midnight cause today was Medi Port surgery. Susan arrived to chauffeur me to my appointment and stay with me around 6:45 A.M. We got there, got registered, and were soon called back!! I’ve been dubbed “Nettie” by all my care team, a nickname of by gone days but finding it’s way back to me with all the love attached!!! I got Happy Birthdays all around at the hospital and even my own little personal sized cake from the nurses station!!

I was consciously sedated, so i was awake but couldn’t feel anything except some pressure and tugging here and there for the surgery, it was an awkward position to be put in for an hour and a half, flat on my back with my head turned as far right as possible, well, for a body built with a significant shelf out the backside, leaving one feeling a bit like a sway back mule when on her back it’s not very comfy, and i started to get a little twitchy till the end, but the nurse noticed and got permission for me to bring my legs up so that helped get me through till they were finished. They warned me the one med may make me look like i have a sunburn and can cause my head to itch like mad, sure enough soon after i was brought back to my recovery and discharge room it was like i had fleas in abundance, they soon gave me Benadryl to counter act it, that was a huge help except for the fact i fell asleep mid story when Susan was chatting to me on the way home! The staff there was fabulous!! One nurse came over and was chatting and wondering where i was from and in the end i found out she knows my mother in law and her sisters and their families used to get back and forth!! I came home to a beautiful bouquet from Susan delivered and shortly after another gorgeous one from my Montana bestie, then my cousin Jen and her girls popped in with freezer meals and a giant basket of sunshine!! Susan wrapped me in all kinds of snuggly comfys and an absolutely delightful melt in your mouth white chocolate raspebrry cream cake, it was a fabulous addition to our wonderful dinner out at AKI given by Glen to me and the kids in honor of my birthday and before LaRonda leaves for home the next day. Glen also got me a beautiful red and copper much needed kettle set. LaRonda gave me adorable pair of Dachund slippers and a soft as clouds beanie!! So all in all in spite of the day starting out kinda eeewwww it ended with another thing done to move forward to the end of this mess and a beautiful eve spent with family!! 

 

Seriously, are these not the happiest, cutest feet??!! You can’t get down looking at these, cause when your chin sinks, you catch a glimpse of these guys and your all smiles again!! 

January 12, 2019 today was a laid back day. My dear brother Mar and family treated us with lunch delivered and a nice time of catching up and hanging out, their little miss Bella is the perfect therapy and medicine for me, so absolutely precious!!! later in the evening my nephew Brad and his little family came by for a visit and some love and snuggles with beautiful lil miss Evalena, it was the perfect antidote for cheer and so very special.

January 13, 2019 today 12 years ago, exactly 3 months after our Devin passed, Glen lost his mama, Grace, unexpectedly, the family was reeling, Heaven was celebrating, today, 5 years ago, as her children and their spouse and a few grandkids, me included gathered around her bedside and talked and sang, my dear grandma Halteman ran to meet grandpa and Jesus.....today, was a lazy no church because of nasty weather, this evening we headed over to Rodney’s where the rest of the tribe was gathering for a birthday party in my honor. Seriously people, if you are ever handed a tribe of pure gold, DO NOT EVER let them go!!!!! It is beyond beautiful and precious and so very powerful to have dedicated humans in your life that constantly have your back and cheer you on unconditionally!!! Earlier i felt like i was snappy and slightly miserable to my family so the evening was a bit teary and pouring out my thoughts of the mountain ahead and the feeling tired before i get started.....these soul sisters of mine, speak life and truth back to me, no judgment, no conditions, just open  hearts and ears and love!!! Till the evening was over i was back on track and ready to annialate Blanche and her cantankerous ways and fight like a girl, STRONG AND WITH A VENGEANCE, GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL!!!! They showered me with all kinds birthday gifts of care for my every comfort, the fuzziest of socks and slippers and blankets and comforts for my mouth and mind and body and gorgeous art work, and little tokens to carry with me on hard days to remind me of hope and faith!! This tribe of mine....best gift eve, handpicked by God, for such a time as this, nd a hundred other times!! 

Well......I must get my weary med filled bones to bed, all this chemo and praise and worship is wearing me down....until next time....#GOD IS IN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL

Cancer..........

I just wanna start out here by saying a giant heartfelt thank you to any and all of you that have dropped a note snail mail delivery, they are still some of my most favorite ways to get love, so fun to pop open that lid and hold a tiny piece of another’s heart they dared send my way!! And for those that have instant messaged me and emailed or texted, it all means so very very much!! And, yes, for those that called or tried to call and I wasn’t available and you braved leaving me a voicemail, that to was treasured, I am trying to do better at actually talking on the phone, even tho I literally hate it and all but hyperventilate doing it, I don’t know what the problem is but talking on the phone gives me a bit of anxiety, I think it has to do with I don’t hear well on a phone and feel like i’m Always asking the other victim to constantly repeat themselves and the fact that with cell phones I end up pacing the floors cause one cannot multitask when on a cell, anyhow, I promise i’m Doing better or trying to but seriously all the avenues of love and care and support and encouragement and help sent my way have been so very treasured and please please please no one think I don’t ever care or value it if I don’t answer back right away or at all. I am trying my absolute best to keep communication open with whoever reaches my way but i’ll Be honest some days the exhaustion runs high and the being on technology is limited, I want to be as engaged with the persons in my own four walls as much as possible and we are making an attempt to keep things as “normal” as possible for little miss Ava!
January 5, 2019 this morning I had a much needed massage appointment, after I was finished there I met Brandon, LaRonda and Ava for breakfast. We had a low key day and were thrilled to be brought supper by Rodney and Laura and family and get to spend the evening in the company of dear friends.
January 6, 2019 today we took in Sunday school then left to meet Brandon and LaRonda after their engagement photo session to have Miranda do a family photo shoot. We hadn’t gotten any done in Florida like we wanted to and now since all this with cancer going on I wanted a really nice family picture as more than likely I will be hairless for wedding pics and didn’t wanna risk casting a “glare” on all those special day pics!! When that was over we celebrated with lunch out with Brent and Miranda and the kids then came home and snoozed a bit before enjoying the company of my dear parents for the evening. Was good to have a day of family and memories, this week with all its appointments looks a bit daunting and makes me wish it was as easy to get away from as simply running in the opposite direction, but am trying to embrace hubby’s advice and just live in this particular moment and not look at the big picture.

January 7, 2019 today I took LaRonda and we went to a foot detox/spa and had a half hour of relaxation, it felt so amazing to just sit and be and feel a tiny bit pampered. Miriam came over from work for lunch, needed that little bit of bestie time for the boost of courage and love!!
January 8, 2019 this morning 2 of my valued tribe, Laura and Beth arrived to take me to my appointments. We started out with a bit of thrift storing than had a medical financial appointment in Harrisburg then from there we went and had a fabulous lunch of Chinese then on to have the ultrasound and biopsy of the lymph node with blood flow to it done. It was a long day but a was glad to knock two more things off the list in order to get started on treating this nasty disease. I came home to a gorgeous bouquet of orchids waiting for me from my Sara bear and her hubby Frank!! This gal was my first baby!! (Not by birth but by being gifted the privilege of caring for her) She was my world till I got married and then started my own family. Am so thankful for my friends and their offers to take me or go with to these appointments. Glen wishes he could go to all of them but then he may as well think about giving up his business, I told him we are blessed with dear true friends and family and I no where his heart is but I release him to take care of us through his work and being here for the kids while i get all this ugliness taken care of!

January 9, 2019 today was bone scan and cat scan in Carlisle, no eating or drinking from midnight on till all scans were done. Why is it that when your not to eat or drink those mornings you are famished and wonder how your gonna make it and any other morning besides a cup of coffee you can run on empty till lunch and not give it a second thought. Paula took me to these appointments and waited through them with me. First was getting IV and nuclear meds then was waiting two hours while drinking 2 bottles of strawberry flavored water containing a dye for contrast scans, finally when the 2 hours were up I had my cat scan then another injection of something and full body scan then back to waiting again until it was then time for bone scan, its a bit awkward and not very comfortable to lay on a hard movable tray like table only the width of a table board for any length of time but I managed and thanked God many times that I don’t suffer from claustrophobia as there was a lot of open space but also quite a few times that they would move pieces of the machine very close in around my face, they had giant rubber bands to keep my feet straight and together so I wouldn’t tire holding them still. It’s quite fascinating yet rather daunting to see ones entire body on a screen, and seeing your full skeletol form inside it’s flesh then there were dark areas and lighter ares and organ clumps and other innard masses and blobs and I have not the faintest clue how to read a bone scan but I do know my mind was wanting to run straight to paranoia and think all the what ifs over seeing little dark or highlighted spots, thankfully it was over before I got myself to worked up. After all that and the IV was removed and I was discharged Paula and I treated ourselves to a fabulous lunch and girl talk at Applebee’s.

January 10, 2013 today was meet with my Oncologist day! My dear soul sister Susan from Delaware, (my Sara bears dear mama) came up to take me and be my scribe and second set of ears! Dr. Theresa Lee, my Oncologist, what a wonderful woman, she put me at ease right from the start and was so very kind, she went over all the facts and details and answered patiently any and all questions thoroughly, she assured us that even though this journey will not be fun or easy and its nothing anyone wants to face it is in fact SURMOUNTABLE, because of it being triple negative that bumped it up to a stage 2 instead of 1 but she said it is a PERFECTLY CURABLE CANCER!!!!! She also shared the good news that my bone scan was clear and my cat scan was clear to except for a small spot on my one ovary they felt is just an ovarian cyst but want to a follow up internal ultrasound to be positive, i told her i have years of history with ovarian cysts and she then said that she feels even more sure then thats What that spot is. She also shared that the biopsy of the lymph node came back clear, so my day was immediately made more sunshiny!! She said the loss of ALL body hair is unavoidable especially due to the more intense treatment because of being triple negative. She said overall besides the cancer lump i am very healthy, so that was another nugget of encouragement!! I came home and a delish loaf of cinnamon bread and a gift of adult coloring book and colored pencils here along with a note from my cousin Charlene.

Cancer..........

Music, it speaks to me, it always has, a little bit of any and every type, all genres of it. I’m a visual person, I’m not a scholar or a studier by any means. Deep reading, intense memorization and theology and even Bible studying, i get no where, my mind goes completely blank, words don’t stick, i retain no info. Its frustrating at times to say the least, and caused me to feel guilty even at times specially when it comes to reading my Bible, i read and read and 2 hours later still not remembering what i read or even getting it, if i take one verse and journel it that has helped immensely!!  But.... music, the story through the lyrics and the melody and message, they speak often to me and i’ve Found such peace and comfort and hope through music and song, so many times at the right moment a song that speaks my heart cry right then or gives me the encouragement i need in that moment has kept my head above water often, so i thought maybe i would try and post a song from my Cancer Courage playlist each time i blog, maybe it’ll brighten some one else’s day or give them a bit of encouragement or strength for their moment.
January 3, 2018 today I went to work and had a really good day, until around 4:45 this afternoon when Debbie from PMCU called to tell me that my meeting scheduled tomorrow with Oncologist Dr. Lu was canceled until further notice. I was very taken aback and irritated to say the least. In going over rounds for the next day and reviewing each patients files Dr. Lu discovered someone hadn’t dotted all their I’s or crossed all their T’s and made the appropriate things like, lymph node biopsy, EKG, Bonescan, Catscan, Ultrasound, or Medi Port surgery happen and without all those bases covered she said it’s pointless fore me to make the trip in to meet her when we won’t be any further ahead cause without all that done they can’t recommend the best course of action or meds or treatment. While all that made sense and seemed very logical it sent me for a complete spin and I was a basket case till Glen got home from work, the tears would not stop and I felt like the bottom dropped out of everything and I was hung out to dry with this nasty disease still having run of my body and life. I felt like we had done so much waiting only to be left sit yet again. Nurse Debbie felt so bad about it all and apologized profusely and promised first thing the next day to get the ball rolling on all the next steps and appointments and to check in with updates on her progress. I told her I was sorry for the frustration and tears on my end, was just feeling like we were getting no where fast and I was hoping to be started towards the end goal before this and that I have a son getting married in April and i’d Like to be over the worst, she was like, oh, honey, I’m sorry but you will be in the thick of maybe the worst of it at that point!! Well, then, not at all what I wanted to hear, but....life!! She said, is his wedding local?? Does he live nearby? Hmmmm ummmm well, he lives at home, but his fiancé is from Montana and that’s where the wedding is! A gasp, then silence on the other end, then, I hear, i’m so sorry, but, you really need to know that you will not be traveling, definitely not that distance at that point!! You need to be local for any fevers, reactions, and your body or mental health will not be up to that kind of stress and your Dr. will not want you that far away while on treatment, I’d advise if you can the wedding be moved locally or reschedule. Ahhhhh.....life.....can. Be. So. Hard!!!!!! And messy and feel like a million pounds of muck being dumped on you and weighing you under and sucking every granule of oxygen away!!! Glen and I talked long after we went to bed and we decided we would talk to the kids and tell them what the doctor had said and also let them know we do not want them to change the date, cancer doesn’t go by anyone’s schedule so to make them change the date is pointless because no one has a clue when treatment will be over. We also made up our minds and as hard as it was and as disappointing, we came to peace knowing we need to tell them that we won’t plan to be there but we want them to go ahead and keep the date and get married without us. The thought of not being a witness to my firstborns wedding was almost more than I could bear, and yet even thinking of trying to make that trip on treatment felt exhausting already. It was another one of those ares I had to lay down and trust God knew what He was doing and get peace over otherwise I knew the tears wouldn’t stop and i’d Stew for days over the unfairness and disappointment.
January 4, 2019 i got up this morning feeling a bit bereft and irritated all over again that i wasn’t going to my appointment and meeting with the Oncologist. Glen’s advice to me before he left for work was that as soon as office hours opened i make a call to the first Breast Care coordinator from Lancaster and explain what went down and ask her to do follow up and help keep the ball rolling on getting the next steps in place, so i did that and she was so very helpful and assured me she would be behind the scenes making sure this got taken care before closing today.
i decided i couldn’t stand the thought of staying home all day waiting for phone calls and wallowing in impatience so i went to Hagerstown to spend some much needed catch up time with my  Paula and go out for lunch. We hit UNO’S and ate all manner of comfort foods in between many phone calls of appointment scheduling. Was very impressed how fast they got on the ball and righted the slip up me falling through their scheduling cracks. I decided i should be thankful, cause maybe in the end it was for my own safety God allowed all that mix up to happen , as there was a bad cattle wagon accident on 81 and i more than likely would have gotten caught in it enroute, it was a reminder that as irritating as life gets at times God sees the bigger picture and my trust need some work. Glen and I went out on a much needed very over due date to Long horn. Was fabulous food and even more fabulous company and felt so good to go out and be just another “normal couple” for a few hours. We sat down and had “the talk” with the kids and explained to them what the doctor said and that they are to go ahead with wedding plans that they would have our blessing and that we were sorry but we made up our mind and as disappointed as we are we won’t be at the wedding. Was glad LaRonda was here to be in that hard announcement. Felt so awful even having to say any of it, felt like i was completely turning upside down everyone’s life and plans and yet not having any other options. Made realize again how brutal cancer is, its nasty and ugly and affects so many facets of life and not just my life but so many others in my circle. The kids handled it well but were adamant that they had one option, and that was moving the wedding local so that hopefully when the day arrives i could feel good enough to attend and not have the travel or worry of being far from my Doctor. Wedding planning is mentally exhausting enough without someone throwing a curveball, i felt so bad, but was at the same time so proud of their maturity in handling the news and being willing to rework everything. Brandon, said, your my mom, i need you there, i want you there, it wouldn’t be the same!! I said i know, but that means then her family has to travel and details be worked out for here from half a country away, he said mom, we’ll figure it out, they are all healthy and able to travel, no one asks for cancer and would want to trade that so it is what it is we are gonna make it work, you had to make cancer work when you didn’t want to we all gotta do what we need to do. it wasn’t an easy change to get everyone on board with and a lot of details to cover, but the relief that i have a fighting chance to see my son, who has already had to give up more than any kid should have to in life, get married to the love of his life makes me more determined than ever to give this nastiness a kick in the tush and be as strong and well as possible for April 20!!!! I may be bald as a newborn baby by then but if i can feel good and walk down that isle in celebration for him and his love i will proudly polish my bald head till it’s sparkly, i may even sprinkle all the glitter atop my dome just because I can and because i get to be there!!!

Well.... today i am meeting a friend from by gone days for lunch, she to has walked this path, am anxious to talk with her and gain any wisdom or tips she has for getting through this madness. I need to run but i’ll Leave you with the first song on my Cancer Courage playlist......

Cancer...........

December 26, 2018 today Laronda gets in for 2 weeks, is so exciting to have her back with us and Brandon smiling from ear to ear!! Young love is so beautiful to watch and they are both such a treasure!!

December 31, 2018 this evening was our yearly New Year’s Eve party with our local besties Wayne and Miriam Jones and Jerry and Amanda Jones and Karen weaver. We had a great time as usual with a lot of game playing, laughter and of course excellent food!!

January 1, 2019 HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!! I am starting the year out in peace and full of hope!! I’m a firm believer in whispers from God and nudges from heaven coming in many forms and are often everywhere we look if we just take the time to look!! I did a couple of those fun little facebook games on what is your word for the year or what country song speaks your life etc and I had to smile cause I felt like God was even sending me reassuring messages and signs of His faithfulness and guidance even in those. My word of the year is.....COURAGE!!! Hmmmm how very appropriate, how very like God to remind me that though the path may be difficult, with Him I can do this!! Another one I did was a word search and the first three words that you see are the good things in store for 2019, I got.....wait for it.....love, healing and....good sex!!! 😜🤪 ummmmm, sure thank you very much, i’ll Giggle and still claim them all!! But especially the HEALING!! And in all that I saw God’s humor and reassurance that no matter how bumpy and rough this could be He wants healing for me!! the one I did on my 2019 predictions was pretty cool to, there my word was JOY, and I thought that so fit the desire of my heart in fighting this nasty disease, that I could fight this filled with courage and hope and be joyful even through the pain or changes or flat on the couch days. My 2019 surprise was getting a daughter and I loved that cause in April when my firstborn marries the love of his life i’ll Be getting just that, another beautiful daughter!! June 25 is my day of good things, hmmmmm I’m not superstious or anything like that but if I can get most of my treatments and surgeries outta the way June 25 will be close to summer and vacations and family time and that sounds like good things to me!! The song that best suits my life was....STAYIN ALIVE by the BEEGEES. Hmmmm ya think??!! Well, that’s what I plan to do with the love and support of a lot of good people and my Heavenly Father’s help!! My 2019 quote ........ DON’T CHANGE SO PEOPLE WILL LIKE YOU, BE YOURSELF AND THE RIGHT PEOPLE WILL LOVE THE REAL YOU!!!! That...... I love that and I wanna do better at doing just that very thing!!! My country song.......God Bless The Broken Road by the Rascal Flatts...... there’s a lot of truth in that, one of the phrases in that song is God bless the broken road that led me straight to you......and there have been many a broken road in our lives that have led us straight to the feet of Jesus cause that was the only place where relief and help and hope was every second of the painful journey and there was so many times the broken roads of of our life have led us straight to life long friends and prayer warriors that are yet again stepping in and buoying us up!! There has been without fail, every day since diagnosis, when either I pop on social media for a few minutes, or turn on WORDFM that the right song will be playing for what I need mentally at that moment or the perfect devotional thought or encouraging message will be there lifting me up, that, is not a coincidence, that is My God, sending me messages of love and assurance and hope!!

This evening was the Diem sides Christmas Day, was so enjoyable to be with family!!

I feel like the waiting on doctors and appointment scheduling is eternal, have to bring my mind in check against panic that nothing seems to be moving forward and meantime this ugly monster is still in there and growing. The appointment for Friday to meet the Breast Surgeon Dr. Luu feels very far away. I was having a bit of a meltdown to hubby about all of it and how do we decide what treatment plan to do and should we look into other stuff and what if we make the wrong one, he being the calm and steady gently assured me that we will figure this out and that I need to do my best to remain positive and only live in this moment and not borrow any other moments till they arrive, then he preceded to do some digging into and researching other treatments and locations etc. the next morning he came downstairs and said this is what we are going to do and calmly and confidently laid out what he feels we need to do and the next steps that need taken including I should call the breast care navigator and tell her our decision and find out what the next step is. My dear man doesn’t say much or say it quickly and impulsively but when he’s thoroughly thought through something and comes to a decision I know his heart is behind it!! So as soon as I knew office hours were in session I got on the phone and relayed what we decided then went back to waiting for schedules and appointments!! Will be back later.....off for some leg stretches, grapeseed capsules and fresh air!! 😘

Cancer..............

December 21, 2018 Today was meet the breast surgeon day in Lancaster, Dr. Meyers. Glen took the day off to take me and was so glad to have him along to retain information and ask questions. He's a man of few words at times but thinks through stuff more thoroughly and patiently than I do and can keep his thoughts together much better. Dr. Meyers is a very sweet older lady but very open, forthright and kind. She said it is considered at this point until further testing gets done, INVASIVE DUCTUAL CARCINOMA STAGE 1. invasive not to mean panic, but meaning will take a more aggressive treatment, but very doable and curable. invasive meaning that it is the kind of cancer that will grow and spread and take over if it's given half a chance, but not necessarily that it has at this point. Her recommendation even as a breast surgeon is to do a chemo regimen they have found to have a very high success rate at shrinking and annihilating the cancer spots altogether, then reevaluating and if it's totally gone maybe only having to have a lumpectomy versus a total mastectomy, however she reaffirmed several times it is our decision what we would like to choose at treatment or the next step. she was very honest and up front about feeling treatment first would be her recommendation, and after listening to her we both felt comfortable in her being honest with us, I will admit that as not fun as having a mastectomy would be I went with my mind made up that this what we would do, have the surgery get rid of the evil disease move on with life, so it felt a bit like a letdown when she recommended otherwise, but that was just me wanting a quick fix to the nightmare we were in. My receptor test came back as a triple negative, normally it is 2 positives and a negative or 2 negatives and a positive. because of the triple negative and the cancer history in my family she highly encouraged the genetic test be done for further knowing how to best treat and also for the sake of my children and siblings so while we were there we went ahead and did that which consisted of a saliva test. it's amazing how little saliva one has and much work it takes to scrounge some up when one needs to fill a tube!  she said should we decide on chemo, she is saying we need to get a medi port put in, she warned that my hair will leave me and that after the chemo regimen and then whichever surgery us done, either lumpectomy or mastectomy, there would most likely be a preventative/booster round of  radiation also. there was so much to process and decide, we walked out feeling a bit overwhelmed yet relieved to have a lot of answers and info. we left there then went to the hospital for blood work then left for a bite to eat before returning to the hospital for an MRI to rule out any other cancer areas in either breast.
December 22, 2018 was glad for the company of my brother Mar and wife Rosene and little miss Isabella and the yummy sticky buns and breakfast rolls they brought over, was good to get our minds on other stuff even though we did talk about last few weeks events at length.
December 24, 2018 today the Dr. called to tell us the left side is cancer free and the right side the only thing they are seeing is one lymph node that has some blood flow to it, she said the oncologist would be able to tell me more about that later but doesn't feel it was anything to worry about and wanted me to know there's no cancer on left side and that my blood work is great before the Christmas holiday! that was a big relief and was so grateful for there thoughtfulness in that. as has been our tradition for quite a few years our besties Gary and Paula and miss Josie came and spent Christmas Eve with us. we laughed and cried and feasted on all manner of yummy dishes, then ended the evening with the same movie we giggle about every year, Trapped In Paradise. felt so good to at least pretend everything was a bit normal still.

Christmas Day 2018 today was spent with my family, lots of memories were made, felt like a long day and yet at the same time felt like we waited for Christmas so long then suddenly it was over.

December 26, 2018 felt like I could breath a sigh of relief and put the Holidays behind me somewhat and was ready to think about and gear up for getting the show on the road with decisions as to what we were gonna do about treatment plans and next step forward to get this behind us. we have been hearing from quite a few people with suggestions and tips and advice for ulternative treatment and other meds and devices and locations for help with this horrible disease. it's a lot of stuff to sort through and process and we are so very grateful to each one that has reached out and been willing to offer help, it means so much and I thank everyone that has and if we decide not to do something you have extended to us I pray you will not take any of it personal, we finally had to come to a decision and faith in that decision that this is what we feel we are to do for us in this situation, but we love everyone and their care for us, it all becomes so confusing and a bit overwhelming, we wish we could do a little bit of it all but don't feel that's wise either.

this whole process brings back a lot of memories of 14 years ago and being hit with all this when Devin was diagnosed. Glen has been my rock, but he is feeling it hard too. breaks my heart and leaves me feeling so helpless to watch a grown man dissolve in tears and yet to see his heart in all this and feel him being ok and open about it all is so precious. I thank God that if I have to walk this path he gave me a strong sweet man to walk it with me............

until next installment.......................... 

Cancer.....Continued

so the biopsy was done on Friday, then the waiting began, the each dreaded day till news of what the biopsy found, we volley between calm and tears, peace and turmoil, ready to tackle, ready to run, ready for armoring up and moving on and the want to shut down and shut out!
December 15, 2018 this evening we went on a double date for an over due birthday dinner out for Glen with our local besties Wayne and Miriam, was a great eve. with wonderful food and fabulous company and the chance to let all the ugly behind and enjoy the moment and celebrate another year with my man.

December, 16, 2018 woke up this morning feeling heavy and irritable and unnerved. how does one tell the church family where they attend this kind of news, doesn't feel like the thing you put on a social media page or one that you let each one find out about here and there thru bits and pieces along the way. but, I don't speak well, I can't keep my words in a straight organized articulate line and what does come out usually gets sideswiped in a torrent of salty waves. by the time we were ready to leave for church I was at peace and felt like God was saying, wait, wait to see how the Sunday school teacher opens the class, wait for calm and the right invitation then tell in person, let them in, let them share in this hard life stuff. so began Sunday worship and then Sunday school, after everyone settled dear Mrs. Goldie says how she would love to hear about everyone's week, what are hearts are full of or rejoicing over or what's been difficult etc. (paraphrasing there a bit maybe but can't remember quite word for word) needless to say I felt like this is the wait for the right time God had prepared me for and thankfully as He is known to do, He gave me calm almost tearless presentation of the mountain in my life, after an awkward silence, which I so could relate to having been there earlier when I found out the news myself, Stephanie came over and laid hands on me and others reached out and we had a lovely time of prayer and committing this whole nightmare to God, it was beautiful and I was glad to have it out there for more prayer warriors to join forces with me. Our dear besties Gary and Paula and their miss J came and spent the day, was so good to catch up and hang out and be distracted, then the besties around the corner Brent and Miranda came over with all manner of yummys for dinner, so the day that started out heavy and wearying ended in laughter and a renewed sense of I can get through this and I got support and prayer and soul friends that wont let us walk this alone!

December 17,2018 waiting on the Dr. to call with results is torture!!!!! Miranda came and picked me up this morning then we met up with Paula, Beth, and Laura for pedis then got take out to enjoy back at Miranda's house so I didn't have to face the Dr. call alone, but, we didn't get the call however it was such a lovely way to spend the day and to not sit through it alone and make it seem even longer. Laura took me home and we picked up my girls and dropped Em off at work then we picked her girls up and went to Pizza Hut for girls supper out to use Ava's reading reward.

December 18,2018 Emily and I were gearing up to do some last minute Christmas shopping and get outta the house a bit when I got called into work so I decided to do that and take the girls shopping after Ava got off of school. was good to go be with co workers and keep my mind and hands busy awhile. unfortunately that would be the time the Dr. decides to call with the official biopsy results. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma!!!! was so thankful Miriam works the at the same place on the same day, we hugged and cried, dried our tears and made up our minds that we can do this together, it might not be easy but with each other and prayer and God and others the fight was on!! I left work at 3, came home to this gorgeous bouquet from a dear church friend Kaylene, the love and support from others is beyond priceless!!

I picked up my girls and we went shopping, we grabbed coffees and some fries and made little memories together in spite of. rounding a corner at Ross at the end of an isle I was stopped short by a canvas reading, GOD IS WITHIN HER, SHE WILL NOT FALL PSALM46:5 it immediately became my verse!! I felt like God had handed me a love note right there!! I had been messaging some struggles to my friend Susan right before that so I sent her another one with a pic of the canvas and said even now, God is going before me, i'm gonna be ok, I'm gonna be able to walk this, she said, you had better have gotten that!!! I most certainly did!!

 on our way home I pulled over for a bit cause my Uncle Willie and Aunt Judy called to pray with me and curse the dreaded disease, it was beautiful and so meaningful to have them reach out and share their love and support!!
December 19, 2018 another day of what feels a bit like putting in time till the next step, wanting to hurry up and move forward yet wanting to pull back and wait, I was thankful to work again today to keep busy and be around others that are encouraging and supportive. My mama and sister Jess came by for a while with a delicious pot of soup and fresh fruit cake bread, family becomes even more precious at times like these.
so long until the next installment, want to get caught up here so I can just update recent but enough of sitting in front of a screen right now......

Cancer....continued

December 11,2018 I broke the news to family and a few more friends, the support and prayers are priceless!!!
December 12, 2014 I worked today, the support there to is very encouraging!! came home to my dear sister in law Rosene dropping off a bouquet and hugs, feels so good to be thought about and assured of love and support over the hard stuff. tonight was Ava's school program, kind of exhausting to go and act like your minds on what's going on and stuff when it's numb, and how do you answer the age old question, hi, are you this evening??? we only told our family and closest friends so far cause we didn't have the biopsy and actual content, yes, this is that 98% diagnosis. so in answering the question i'd say i'm fine, cause at that moment, for that event, I was good, despite random brain stops at the what if stations.

December 14, 2018 Today was biopsy day at the Science Pavilion in Harrisburg. My dear, steady through the good, bad and ugly of life, bestie, Miriam, took me and my soul sister Susan met us there.

Unfortunately no one was allowed back with me but was comforting to know they were out there waiting and supporting me and I wasn't totally alone. The procedure took about an hour and a half. the nurse was the sweetest, so patient and kind and very helpful and accommodating. She wondered if I have any questions , I was like, uummm, yea!!!! So very many, but I'm not sure you can help me before we actually have results back!! she said, ask anything, it's ok, i'll do my best. so I started with, How bad does this look for me, any idea what we're dealing with? She said, THIS IS NOT A DEATH SENTENCE! and remember medicine has come along way, we are here to save lives, not lose them!! while I know the number of days we have to live are in God's hands, that was very comforting to me. she explained a lot of things to me then, like, since there are 2 lumps, more than likely they will recommend a mastectomy along with some treatment. she was very encouraging thru it all. Dr. Moser was wonderful, they numbed everything up really well, and except for a lot pulling and tugging and prodding it wasn't at all unbearable and I watched the procedure on their screen, I could see the needle going into the lump and also the tissue sample collecting, He was so apologetic and worried he was hurting me, I said honestly Dr. Moser, the most uncomfortable part of me right now is having my right around stretched high above my head at an awkward angle for 90 minutes, pretty sure when I go to move it its gonna flop like a dead fish!! He chuckled and apologized again. once everything was done and they put steri strips on and applied an ice pack I was good to go. afterwards we went to Panera for a bite to eat and to have girl talk, it was a fabulous lunch with exceptional company. as we were sitting there chatting a felt a person looking at me over the booth divider wall and when I looked up I lost all thought and literally felt my eyes bug and mouth drop, then I couldn't get Miriam to let me outta the booth fast enough, coming towards me was one of Devin's most favorite nurses from Hershey days 12 years ago, she had even gifted him his very own stethoscope. Miss Amanda and had a grand reunion, was so good to hug her, but when she asked how I was, it all came spilling out. we both knew then and there that a meeting at a time like this is not a coincidence, we both felt like we were given our hug and message from heaven and it was a confirmation that I was gonna make it thru this hard life stuff, that God places people and messages along the way for us when we need it most, right where we are at that moment.  

Miriam and I left then and did some Christmas shopping and ate comfort food of Auntie Anne's pretzels and just tried to forget about the looming ugly and concentrate on friendships and memories that last. am so beyond thankful for those life time friends that are willing to walk yet again a hard path with us, God knew back when He put us on each others path that we would need that priceless gift for years to come!!

Cancer.....Delivered In Time For Christmas

I've been kind of out of touch with this whole blog site this last year. wasn't my intention was just life. But.....because of life.....I felt like maybe getting back on track with this and having this as my outlet for updates would be a good idea, I will back track and post the pivotal appointment dates and happenings till I get caught up to present time then hopefully update a bit more regularly and on date. so let me catch you all up on what is going on in my life. In April I had my yearly mammogram, after the regular mammo they decided to do a 3-D one and an ultrasound because of detecting a suspicious something which in the end they felt fairly certain was only calcified tissue mass but still wanted a follow up mammo in 6 months. in may I had a partial hysterectomy for endometriosis and poly cystic ovaries, with a bit of cleaning up to them I was able to keep the ovaries.

So the beginning or so of November I decided I should get on that follow up apt and called in and it was scheduled for December the 10th 2018. In the meantime we took the kids and left for family vacation in Florida on Thanksgiving day. We traveled as far as a campground in South Carolina where we stayed till Saturday morning then went the rest of the way to our campground at Fort Desota Park in Florida. In spite of a few cooler days and nights we had an amazing time. Brandon and his girlfriend LaRonda flew from Montana to be with us. We put a lot of miles on our bikes, walked the shoreline and the explored the fort, gathered shells, bird watched, kayaked with the dolphins, took a day trip to the Sarasota Jungle Gardens where Brandon proposed among the flamingos and palm trees, a treasured memory for sure, we kayaked to shell beach for the day where we found more sand dollars than we could imagine and where the kids requested their daddy baptize them in the blue green waters of the gulf, it was another very precious and treasured memory. Saturday December 1 we sadly parted ways, us heading north and Brandon and his now fiancée flying back to Montana.

Around the time I decided I should make that follow up apt I had noticed there seemed to be 2 small bumps towards the back side of my right breast that once and awhile would feel tender but didn't let myself dwell on it much just thinking that it was more than likely the same calcified spot they had detected earlier in the year, however at one point I had mentioned about it annoying me a little while on vacation and then one night asking Glen to see if he could feel what I thought I was feeling and he said yea he felt it and thought it good I had an appointment scheduled.

December 10, 2018......day of follow up mammogram arrived, I took my Emily and my niece Kate with me as we were going to do some Christmas shopping afterwards, not expecting to sit in the imaging office for three hours. on the way to the dr. my friend Beth was messaging our group asking if the girls Christmas date could be impromptu that eve. since we were having a difficult time finding a time that worked for all five of us, so when I got to my appointment and was waiting to be seen I messaged I thought I could make it work for that evening. because of feeling those 2 small bumps for a few weeks I had gone to the appointment with a mental dread hanging over me that this may be something I don't want to hear but at the same time wasn't letting myself dwell on it, however, after the initial regular mammo they came in and requested a 3-D one and after much horrendous and painful yanking and pulling and tucking and squashing I was sent to wait in another room until the tech read the pictures then the nurse came back and said the radiologist/biopsy tech would like us to do and ultrasound for a clearer view, so off we went to do that, and after much probing and pressure from a cold jelly laden instrument and a lot of beepings and typings of measurements and things being recorded I was left to wait yet again until the radiologist/biopsy tech, Dr. Moser could come speak with me himself. Meanwhile as the victim of all these proddings and pokings and stretchings and beeping recordings you are left to lay staring at a cold sterile ceiling while your head spins and aches with scenarios and imaginations to the point of exploding, then just when you feel your about to go mad and you contemplate gathering the hideous backless gown tight around you and making a run for it the door pops open and in walks Dr.Moser. He introduced himself with a handshake than proceeded to pat my arm and explain with apology what they found, not much of which I can remember except that 98% of the time the type of bumps they are seeing is breast cancer and that he wants a biopsy scheduled as soon as possible.

I left the building with girls in a numb fog, trying to act like nothing out of the ordinary went wrong, trying to wrap my mind around the cancer word yet again. Em at one point asked if all was good at the dr. and I told her that I wasn't talking about all that until I had a chance to talk to Glen.

when I got home I talked to Glen and had a bit of a meltdown but he assured me whatever it is we would get through it, the whole day kind of took the wind out of my sails for Christmas dinner with my tribe but in the end I told Glen I'm gonna make myself go, I need my girls, my tribe, we will all be together and it would be better to tell them whats going on all together and in person rather than messaging each one. so off I went to pick up Miranda and then to the local Longhorn to meet up with Paula, Laura and Beth. I tried to engage in conversation and put on a smile, non of which I felt like I could quite pull off successfully, so after sharing gifts and eating our meals I finally took a big breath and broke the news, complete with a little bit of a meltdown. after the initial mind blown looks, they all assured me I would not be walking this alone in any way and right there in longhorn with tears and hugs we joined hands and had a prayer service, it was so heartwarming and beautiful and encouraging and made the road ahead already feel more bearable. 

when I popped on social media a bit later in the eve different inspirational messages kept popping up and it was confirmation to me that God has this, that He is going ahead of me. two word of the year things popped up and I claimed them as mine, my message from Heaven, they were, HOPE and COURAGE, both of which I know ill need plenty of and both I know God is in the business of giving. 

to be continued........